That old chestnut

I debated on whether or not to even write today since there are bloggers out there who are having real problems, and mine just seem so stupid and petty in comparison. They don't just seem stupid - they ARE stupid. So I hope if you read this you understand that I am not being normal and rational right now, and there's a reason. I believe with my event coming up in three days that I have been experiencing a return of my "old" self which is being brought on by anxiety out of control, and it looks a little like this:

I have been feeling like garbage lately, even though nothing is technically “wrong”. Because I’m doing all that old stuff. Nightmares. Horrifying scenarios running through my mind all day about Bumpus dying. Choking disorder when eating. Irritability. Impatience. Inability to get joy out of anything. Obsessing on tiny turns of phrase or tones in people. It’s that old anxiety monster. And there’s really no cure for it other than the event being over and my stress level going down.

I was actually so bitchy the other day that I caught myself thinking, as I turned on the amazing air conditioning in my car to cool down on a hot day, “of course it would have to blow right in my face.” I’m starting to sound like my mother again.

So this is what happened with my party. Even with my friend graciously helping, even with her picking up the food, even with everyone having a great time, getting to bond with an old friend and his new baby, even with getting gift cards which is far preferable to acquiring a bunch of crap I don’t want, even with everyone helping clean up so there’s nothing to do today, I still wasn’t happy. What the hell is wrong with me?

I was annoyed that many of the people who RSVP’d didn’t show. People kept pointing out, “there’s a lot less people this year,” which annoyed me.

I was annoyed that many of the people who did show had to leave early to go somewhere else.

I was annoyed that many people came late.

I was annoyed that once again only about half the food was eaten and had to be thrown away.

I was annoyed hardly anyone went in the pool.

I was annoyed it wasn’t hot enough.

 

I was annoyed by everyone’s toddlers running amuck and wanting to mess with the baby (toddlers just can’t keep their hands off of babies, apparently).

I was annoyed that I feel obligated to put on this party every year, yet I’m so over it – it’s expensive and a mountain of work and just isn’t fun for me. Yet at the same time I feel like it’s an important pre-event bonding experience, since it’s really the only time these people get together. But next year the event won’t be right on its heels, which means either a) I won’t be as stressed out so having the party will be a better experience, or b) I can feel free to stop having the party and travel instead, maybe go to Hawaii or see the family.

I feel like my party is a tradition…and yet like many traditions I believe it’s the type that gets taken advantage of; when people know it’s always going to be there, they skip one or the other. Lord knows I’ve had much poorer turnouts at my party than this year (like that one wicked hot year where everyone just stayed home because of the heat). I should keep doing it, really. But God is it a lot of frigging work!

Since I woke up all pissed off today, I thought I should try to look at the bright side of all the things that annoyed me – like, look at all those nice people who DID come to my party, spend the day, and bring me presents.  Don’t they get any credit? Look at the people who stopped in even though they had somewhere else to be. Look at my friend who helped SO MUCH and took so much of the stress off of me (and it was an enormous help). Look at how lucky I am to even know enough people to have a party.  Most people would just have awkward gatherings with old college friends and the guy who works in the cubicle next door.

But look at ME, who has this beautiful, perfect child, an event that’s successful, and tons of great friends, even if we don’t spend the time together that we used to, even if we are all kind of going our separate ways.

As of today I have 589 people.  That’s phenomenal! I hope I get to 650 by Weds night, although even if I don’t it’s no big deal – I’ve already exceeded all my own expectations. Of course the money still sucks, but I still maintain that it will even out in the end. There are TONS of extra women, and I know this will be a problem, but I have a plan to fix this for next year so I can at least stave off the complaints with that. And we’re moving to Labor Day next year. Apart from worry about the money stretching that long, I really don’t have a bad thing to say about that.

But much like my pre-eclampsia only being curable by giving birth, there really is no cure for my bad feelings other than getting through the event and it being over. All the self-talk in the world won't really help the fact that I make my entire living off of one long weekend a year and that long weekend starts in three days. I challenge anyone to remain cool as a cucumber under those circumstances.