Bobby is fourteen

Bobby is fourteen! The same age I was when my mother remarried and I went to live in the husband’s old studio apartment in the East Village with my 24-year-old sister while he moved in with my mother. To be fair, I was a few months shy of fifteen, so for Bobby it would be him this December. I’m sure he’ll be more mature by then, but STILL. Probably not my mother’s best parenting moment (as much as I, personally, loved it).

I start to feel bad for Bobby for having the last of the three March birthdays - it’s hard to keep up the enthusiasm after doing the dinner out/cake/presents three times in a row. Since this was the one I didn’t plan, it was probably my least favorite - the H selected a Korean BBQ place (or rather, his Chat GPT did) and it wasn’t very good; mostly empty, tiny salad bar, and nothing except chewy, unpleasant meat (the kids were not into it). All this for $200. I mostly ate white rice, wilted lettuce, and an egg soufflé thing I had in Korea (at least I got some protein). Bobby selected a cheesecake for his birthday and I got him an Aphex Twin shirt (in addition to the mountain bike). And that was that.

What is Bobby like, at fourteen? Introverted, rarely animated unless he’s on his VR playing with other kids. There are days I barely get a thumbs up from him. Sometimes he can be cranky, at which point I just leave him be. I don’t know the science behind it, but I’m pretty sure his true personality is hiding under the young teenager-ness that was all of us at one point and someday he’ll “come back to me”, as it were. He’s just been temporarily hijacked, and my job is just to be understanding and ride it out. 

It’s hard to imagine Theo, who’s so chatty and extroverted, becoming like this; he may never. I think puberty manifests in a variety of ways and probably bounces off existing characteristics. Bobby was always on the shy side; Theo never was. I’ve always been romantic and emotional; puberty launched those tendencies into the stratosphere for me.

The H gets frustrated that Bobby doesn’t “open up” and treats it like a problem to be solved - I feel like this is just who Bobby is and he has a right to privacy. My mother also bemoaned my shyness - mostly because it completely ruined my young child acting career - and it drove me crazy how much she wouldn’t just let me be. So I’m triggered by this dynamic between them. Personally I think it’s ridiculous to expect your teenager to come to you with all their problems and act as though you’re their best friend. They should know they CAN come to you and that you’re a safe space, but beyond that, you need to back off and just let them be. Bobby’s not depressed, has friends, and does well in school. I don’t see a problem here. 

Today was the final day of school until April 6th, and boy am I excited to not have to drag my ass out of bed for a while. Today the boys’ rec center camp announced it’s opening the day school resumes. I’m going to ask the H to take them to school that morning so I can go line up; last year I was there shortly after 8 and was almost the last to get a spot. It seems these camps get more and more popular every year. At twelve, this is Theo’s last chance to be an actual camper. Oddly enough, of the many options I gave them for the summer, the only thing they wanted to do was this camp. They were so meh about their sleepaway camp that I decided despite having put down deposits I’m going to cancel. I feel like that camp served its purpose, and there’s no need to shell out that amount of money for something neither of them really care about. They didn’t care for the volunteer camp, either, so the heck with it. I don’t love the idea of these kids malingering all summer at this rec center camp, but as of now I don’t see any other options. I figure I won’t start them until after July 4. This is, of course, assuming I even get spots.

I was thinking since the kids will have three or so weeks at home, I should come up with a plan for screen time. It’s one thing to hang out on a screen for a few hours when we’re all doing that just killing time until we have something to do, but day after day of that just won’t fly. They HAVE to do something else. So I think we need to have a family meeting to come up with a plan - how much time per day is acceptable, other things they can do, and what times. The idea of having to police them - or entertain them - all day during the summer when I’m at my busiest doesn’t thrill me, but I see the writing on the wall as far as our summer camp days being behind us, so it’s better to start setting a standard now. Pretty soon - maybe even next summer - there won’t really be any place for Bobby to go, unless I find some sort of summer-long CIT situation for him, or summer job, or something like that. I keep an eye out and always ask my local mom groups, but rarely get any helpful information. It definitely explains why my teenaged summers consisted of just sitting at home watching tv twelve hours a day until it was time to go back to school. Or wandering the streets with other poor kids who’s parents couldn’t afford to whisk them off to Europe or the Hamptons all summer. There just aren’t great options for younger teenaged boys, especially ones who aren’t into sports. 

I got the news that it’s going to cost between $30,000 and $50,000 to repair my collapsing garage - something I’ve been delaying for 25 years but now has reached a breaking point (literally). So every penny I can save, helps (ie not spending on sleepaway camp). How am I going to pay for this? I don’t know, really - my tax refund will cover some of it, but of course I was expecting to need that money for basic expenses, not some huge expensive project like this. I might have to use up my business line of credit. Welp. It was fun being debt-free for a while.  

Theo is twelve

We celebrated Theo’s birthday at a conveyor belt sushi place in a Japanese market in Gardena last night, followed by cake at home and the big reveal of the boys’ new mountain bikes, which Bobby seemed a lot more excited about. Getting, and assembling, and getting the accessories and bike rack for these bikes was an endless and exhausting scramble (mostly on the part of the H) and all cost well over $1000 which explains why we haven’t done it until now. Thankfully the H is on a new health kick and wants to start exercising, plus we want the kids to have something else to do in the desert, so now’s the time. I will not be joining them, not yet. I’m afraid of getting hurt and prefer walking, thank you very much. But now that the H has free weekends, it’s the perfect thing for them to head out and bike. I’m thrilled that they’re all getting off screens and getting some fresh air.

I unexpectedly got notice this week that Theo finally made it into the gifted program for next year! Hooray! So that’s years of worry gone in an instant. Honestly, I probably had nothing to worry about - LAUSD has been losing students for years due to declining birth rates, and Theo had 19 points in contrast to the minimum required of 8. But it’s a relief to know he’s settled in to Bobby’s school for next year; he’s already picked his classes and done a tour of the school. I asked the boys if they’d be interested in possibly taking the public bus home next year - it picks up right in front of the school and drops off just a few blocks away from home. They seemed apprehensive but willing. I’m not so sure I want them starting out on public transportation quite yet; the buses in LA are gnarly, since everyone drives - the only people on buses are people who can’t drive for a variety of reasons, some benign, some not so much. But I feel like with a stop right in front of the school that it’ll be mostly students, anyway, and as long as they’re together it should be fine. I feel sort of like when I got them started walking home from school - they might have been a little too young, but they needed to have a little responsibility and freedom. I told them I was never driven to or from school a single day of my life; I always either walked, took a school bus, or public transportation when I started high school (which Bobby will this fall). Anyway. It’s just a thought. 

I feel like, with admission to the gifted magnet finally, that this is Theo’s time to shine. He’s a smart, industrious kid, who always gets glowing reports from his teachers, and I feel like he’s gotten the short end of the stick the last couple of years. I guess being a younger sibling myself, I’m aware of how left behind they get - always getting the hand-me-downs, always having experiences second, never being prioritized. I try not to do that with these kids, but unfortunately a certain amount of prioritizing the older kid just has to happen - everything about their life is a first for you, too, which means you’ll make more mistakes with your first but they’ll also get the focus (and anxiety). Luckily, Theo seems mostly impervious to this dynamic - he’s a completely different personality from Bobby and has always seemed determined to do things his own way and not stand in his brother’s shadow. I know he can rise to the challenge of all honors classes and a tougher work load at school, although I expect a certain learning curve at the beginning of 7th. 

For now, spring is springing everywhere, and I can sense a feeling of winding down. Kids are working on their final projects and performances at school, and everyone is looking toward graduation and spring break. It’s odd to think of leaving elementary school behind for good - certain things like participating as a parent and take home projects are largely behind us now. I probably won’t be getting to know any fellow parents anymore, or spending any time on campus, or getting to know any teachers, or helping with homework. A lot of these things I’m not going to miss - I did them, I’m done with it - but it is strange to think of these things being over FOREVER.

Birthday month

We’re just back from two weekends in a row out in the desert. I have to say, going out this weekend probably wasn’t the best idea. Despite all our efforts, entertaining the kids out there still proves to be challenging. They don’t want to play outside because it’s always too hot or too cold or too windy or too sunny; we break down and let them bring devices but the batteries run out or the hot spots from our phones are too spotty; we bring tons of board games and card games but they never want to play with any of them. Our next attempt is mountain bikes for their birthdays which are currently hidden around the back of the house. I’m hoping they’ll want to ride bikes around there, but I can see them not wanting to do that, either - the sand could be challenging, it could be too hot, and I personally worry about them inadvertently going on other people’s property (there’s no fences anywhere, so who’s to know?). Sandboarding is great but it’s an all-day adventure and not something we can do every time we go out (and certainly not right now with Theo’s ankle still healing - he was on crutches about five days and is currently still on the mend). 

This particular visit was one of our lesser ones - we went to the car show, but the kids had no interest in it, and as I had feared, the whole thing was a little too MAGA-coded for my taste (let’s just say one confederate flag was too many for me). So we didn’t spend much time there. Then made the mistake of going to a marine bar late for dinner, which was way rowdier and scarier than I would ever want us to be subject to. The food was decent, so next time it’s 9 and we want dinner and everything’s closed maybe I’ll just sent the H over there to pick some stuff up for us and bring it back to the cabin. The kids and I were stressed out from it - a lot of yelling and swearing and cigarette smoke in our faces, just awful - so we vowed NEVER AGAIN. And our water tank pump inexplicably broke so no showers for us. Good times. At least next time we go out it’ll be spring break and a totally different vibe. 

The whole world is on edge after our dipshit so-called President started a war with Iran last Friday night as we were driving out there. It’s been really hard to not fall into apocalyptic catastrophizing - and also just anxious, intrusive thoughts in general, especially regarding the kids and their safety. At this moment I’m really glad both kids are years too young for the draft. 

Speaking of ages, it’s birthday month, with Theo turning twelve on Friday and Bobby fourteen eleven days later. Right now they’re a portrait in childhood stages - Theo still pre-pubescent with his little kid voice and little kid priorities (couldn’t care less about his clothes or appearance or haircuts or cleanliness) and Bobby now towering over us and obsessed with all of those things, in particular his (as I call them) pantalones gigantes. He’s a pretty stylish kid, years from where I was at his age; but then again, I was infinitely poorer. The idea of buying new clothes was almost unheard of - everything was from the Salvation Army - so I early learned to not even try to keep up with my rich little private school friends and instead just embrace being quirky and an oddball. But Bobby can actually keep up with his peers (the only difference being I insist on buying him band shirts, MY favorite bands, which I keep waiting for him to get sick of), and also it’s a bit easier now because kids pretty much wear pyjamas to school on the regular, something that would have been unheard of 40 years ago. There’s zero individuality or style - every kid at his school from 7th-12th grade wears giant jeans or sweatpants or pyjama pants and plain solid color t shirts and hoodies. How incredibly boring. You would think having access to the internet would make kids more creative, not less. Yet here we are. 

I keep wondering when the puberty bomb will hit Theo and morph him into a completely different person the way it did Bobby. I don’t remember exactly when that happened to Bobby, but I know it was when he was around 12. And I know Theo, too, will be lost to us for a few years as he folds into himself and barely grunts or makes eye contact, always on the verge of being rude but never quite, and I just play along knowing this is temporary and that his true self has yet to emerge. It’s still hard to picture two giant, low-voiced teenagers stomping around this tiny house with their giant shoes like bulls in a china shop. But I’m just a year or two away from that. In just three months they both graduate from their respective school situations - elementary and middle - never to return. Theo has been directed to select his 7th grade classes even though we don’t know if he’s been admitted to the gifted magnet or not; he followed my advice and went with all honors (yay). It makes me feel a little better that even if he isn’t admitted to the gifted magnet he still has access to higher-level learning. I once again floated the idea of the boys taking the public bus home once they’re at the same school again, freeing me from daily pick ups, and they seemed tentatively interested. We’ll see how that goes come fall (maybe).

For now, we have two more birthday nights out at restaurants and cake (I’ve put my diet on pause for March), and it’s a three-week countdown to spring break. I have to lean into my business a bit coming up, and am also trying to schedule volunteering and/or political action every week. All while just hoping the whole world doesn’t fall apart in the meantime.