Yes!

I got a bid from the contractor, and it came in pretty much exactly where I wanted it! I ran it by the H just to be polite, but went ahead and approved it and sent a deposit, and we’ve had some back and forth about materials since. He seemed to be comfortable with the idea of someone else doing the work. The plan is to start when the wood for the walls arrives in about two weeks, so week of 5/8. They also will install the wood burning stove, so we’ll have to get the H’s car out there sometime before then. I’m super excited. I so hope this doesn’t all fall apart. 

By end of May we *should* have the remaining five windows installed, insulation throughout, ceilings closed up, wood plank walls, carpet upstairs, and the stove installed. That’s enough that we can move all the furniture in, but I probably wouldn’t bother with that until the heat of summer is over. If these guys work out, maybe I can tap them to build the overhang & porch and fix the exterior which has begun to warp and peel off, when and if I can afford it.

I’ve been on a hotel-finding frenzy, while also trying to get set up for my opening on Monday. I heard back from the Hollywood hotel, who want $80,000 to rent their ballroom for a weekend. I also contacted people about a San Diego hotel that was used for a jazz festival and found out the hotel pulled some criminal behavior on the band members’ credit cards; then I called the Palm Springs hotel I was interested in for New Year’s and they are putting together a package for me, but it’s not going to be good. The sales manager told me straight up that they wouldn’t be able to get their rate under $200 PLUS resort fees, so honestly I don’t know why I’m bothering. It’s also eleven billionty degrees in Palm Springs at Labor Day. Also Vegas. Every other hotel I’ve looked at in LA, San Diego, Palm Springs and everywhere else is over $200, $300 that weekend.

That’s when it hit me - maybe the weekend is the problem. I don’t want to move off a holiday, however, and there’s one that no other major events fall on, and that’s July 4. July 4 isn’t great because it will sometimes fall in the middle of the week, and is more of a family weekend, but the good and inexplicable news is that hotel rates, including at my current hotel, are great that weekend. Why Labor Day is suddenly such a hot commodity I don’t know, but this was a revelation to me that I could solve my room rate woes and save my relationship with this hotel if I just move my date. And boy how great would it be to get a whole summer to myself after, not before, the event. So I feel like I can rest easy now and when the time comes to renew, simply offer to move, so the hotel can get their big bucks on Labor Day and I can still have a good rate. Of course this is dependent on the hotel being available that weekend. But once again, a cursory look around has shown me that my current location is really the best. At least I know that now. 

Tomorrow morning I take Theo to get his Invisalign. It’s going to change our lives a bit and add more mental and emotional labor for me, so I’m not looking forward to it. I hope he does ok and is responsible about it and it doesn’t hurt his teeth too much. 

Maybe??

I have returned from my lady getaway to my cabin. The friend I brought was a perfect guest - paid for everything, despite my protestations; didn’t flinch at any of the harsh conditions; and was delighted by just about everything. We left in the afternoon on Saturday, went to Joshua Tree National Park on Sunday, and came home today. The neighbor was there working on his place and we went and chatted with him about what he was working on. I’m burning with jealousy because their place is so well planned out and professional, and is going to be so amazing, and our place is such a cobbled-together mess. But as I always tell myself when someone else is just plain better at something than me: that’s their path, and this is my path. Ha!

Speaking of desert spaces, so the contractor came this morning - young back packer type guy who showed us pictures of his baby girl and took measurements and drew up a cool 3D image of our place on his iPad right in front of us. It all went great, but of course I’m waiting on that bid. Just praying that a) they actually send one and b) I can afford them. I’ll be so heartbroken if this is yet another company I can’t afford. Fingers crossed. I texted the H that I was meeting with another contractor and he seemed unperturbed, so at least I broached that topic. 

After writing about my hotel issues last week, I came to a very unpleasant and blinding realization that makes everything that’s happened recently make sense - I think the hotel is trying to get rid of me. With all hotels in the area charging $400/night for rooms on my weekend now thanks to the giant new stadium in the area, and my group getting $140/night, I’ve realized I’m the rent controlled tenant they’re trying to low-key pressure to leave so they can make the big money. This is why they’re making zero concessions for me, charging for every ridiculous little thing, and not helping me out by expanding my room block. The general manager told me at our meeting last year that most of the contracts they’re stuck in now they would never enter into today. When he told me that, I thought, am I one of those contracts…? I have three more years with them. I guarantee - I’d bet about $1000 - that when it comes time to renew my contract (probably some time next year), they’ll ask for something outrageous like $300, $350 per night, and I’ll pull my pockets inside out and say, “too rich for my blood” and leave, and they’ll celebrate and get in all the high roller Beyoncé ticket holders. 

Or, you know, I could just be paranoid and they really do want to keep me, but will definitely be raising my rates significantly because everything sucks now. Either way I need to start making an escape plan. So I’ve started doing some research on other hotels. Of course, there’s nothing as good as I have it now. Anything I pick will be a step down and more expensive. Why? Because everything sucks now. Big changes are coming for me. I’ve been at this hotel since 2002. I’m scared and sad and freaked out just thinking about moving. The last time I moved I lost half my attendees and it took years to recoup those losses. I don’t have good memories of that time. 

I’ve reached out to a Hollywood hotel that would be a dream, but I know they’re going to be too expensive. I’d also be losing proximity to the airport and the pool is much smaller (this is important). But. I’d be back in Hollywood and that’s a dream of mine, having left there in 2001. I hope I can at least get over there to tour the property even if it doesn’t work out. 

Kids had a day off school today, so tomorrow I hit the ground running doing a bunch of work-related stuff that all has to happen before I officially open a week from today. God I hope it goes well. There’s so much at stake right now. 

Maybe not

Not surprisingly, the contractor I was talking to completely disappeared. Or rather, not completely - he was supposed to go by my place the next morning, but never did, and never contacted me again, with the exception of a voice message on Saturday that was obviously meant for someone else (as in, introducing himself like I was a new client). Next!

I traded voicemails with yet another company, this one through Houzz, who turned out to be pretty interesting. A new company with young guys who want to make a name (but have years of experience as builders) - I told the guy all the peculiarities of the job, and was specific about not having a lot of money and just wanting these three things - windows, insulation and interior walls - done quick and dirty. He asked if the crew could maybe stay in the place to cut time off of long commutes out there and back, and said it would only take a few days to knock these projects out. They want to come by Monday morning, which is when I’ll still be there with my friend. They seem pretty keen. I called this morning to confirm and they’re still planning on coming out. Will they actually show up? Who knows. Will they actually submit a bid? Who knows. I figure getting this project done is a lot like internet dating - there’s going to be tons of ghosting until I find “the one”. If these guys turn out to be yet another disappointment, I just have to get back on that horse and keep trying. But for now, I’m hopeful. The guy that didn’t show up seemed kind of out of it and flaky - reminded me a lot of the guy that ripped us off, actually. These guys are, once again, all about servicing the Airbnb market (not us, obviously) and trying to build up their portfolio so are willing to take on these kind of things. I figure if, miracle of miracles, it works out with this place, I’ll ask if they can rent a port-o-potty for their time there so they don’t use our outhouse, and when I go to give them keys I’ll pack up the few things we have in there - beds, cooking stuff, lanterns - and put them in the container, so I’ll be less weirded out at the prospect of strangers sleeping in our place. If they’re saying it will only take days, it can’t cost that much…right? Well, we’ll see what happens on Monday. Either they’ll show or they won’t and either they’ll write something up for me or they won’t. Until that happens I will keep this to myself. I’m not up for a big confrontation with the H until there’s a valid plan going forward. All of my striving may result in nothing but him going out and doing it all himself anyway.  Either way I’m very much looking forward to going out this weekend, being joined by my friend, and having another stellar desert weekend while the weather is good. 

Last night Bobby was involved in a school program for the 5th graders in which students had worked in groups to write short plays, and then parents (professional actors, being as we’re in LA and all) acted them out. I got dressed up and the three of us went over to the school at 5 PM with the intention of being there for maybe an hour. Omg this thing stretched on for two hours and that was only until we guiltily snuck out at intermission. I had to bring Theo because I didn’t want him at home alone, and he was climbing the walls the whole time, as were all of the other younger siblings dragged along, not knowing what they were getting into. About an hour into it the audience started to get restless and loud, and we couldn’t even hear most of the plays because there were no microphones. Oh, it was miserable. Were the plays any good? Well, imagine for a minute sitting through ten plays written by ten- and eleven-year-olds. It was cute and fun for about twenty minutes…then…oy. So we made our escape and I frantically threw some dinners together and had the boys shower and cram through their homework. Funnily enough, an email thread today among the people in charge said it was a huge success and that they had concerns that it was too long but their kids told them it should have been longer. Ummm…no. All of the parents I was sitting with were checking their watches and repeatedly asking, “how many more of these are there? We have to go!” I seriously hope if they do this again that they at least split it up over two nights or something. I still feel a bit like we all ran a marathon last night. 

Today I got word that the hotel, despite what they had reassured me, will no longer be able to add rooms to my block, and I only have 1-5 rooms left each night. I open in two weeks. This was my worst fear, having to open for ticket sales and simultaneously tell everyone there’s nowhere for them to stay. I swore I would never do an overflow hotel again after I was burned by it in 2017, but I don’t think at this moment that I have a choice. There may be a way to set it up so that I have no liability, though. So it could all work out with some grumbling but not a huge amount of grumbling. I’m going to play it by ear and see how many people ask about rooms over the next week or so. 

Here’s me and Theo in happier times (before the plays started)

Maybe?

Shockingly, I got a call from a contractor (?) after filling out a form on Angi. He emailed and called, and of course I don’t answer my phone, so I emailed back the full scope of the project and warned him of the particulars - there’s no address, there’s no water or power, there’s not much money. I was amazed when, a few hours later, he wrote back that he loves these kinds of projects and he’d like to come see it tomorrow. 

Of course I’m skeptical - we’ve had so many guys out there I’ve lost count at this point, and they’ve all been untenable for one reason or another - but part of me believes that, just like with trying to have babies on my own, persistence in the face of disappointment and setbacks is key. I sent him a pin of the place and he said he’d go by tomorrow. Who is he? It sounds like they’re a property management firm. He thought this was an Airbnb that needed repairs and he sounded slightly taken aback that it wasn’t. There’s almost a complete lack of web presence which concerns me - there’s no way to get reviews on these people. But my experience has been the places with flashy websites also expect flashy budgets. So that could be a red flag or could be meaningless for our purposes. He said he has references and I intend to call them all, even though of course he’s only going to send us positive ones (and the guy that ripped us off had references, too, which I neglected to call). He says he won’t take any money upfront. So we’ll see. I figure if we get a signed, detailed contract, and the price is right, there’s no reason not to proceed. At a certain point you just have to trust people, which is hard after everything we’ve been through, but the place has to get finished, and logistically I really don’t think we can do it ourselves. So, here we are. 

I am currently withholding this information from the H until it looks more solid - a written estimate, perhaps, or until I have to meet the guy out there and can’t lie about why I suddenly have to head out. For all I know this guy won’t head out there at all and I’ll never hear from him again. Or he’ll say he’ll write something up but not actually do it. You know - contractor stuff. 

In the meantime I plan on another solo trip next weekend because of course the H has to work. I asked a friend who expressed an interest in going so she may join me. I’m looking forward to it. 

Theo was sent home with a covid test yesterday because apparently his class was “exposed” - and his teacher has been absent since Tuesday. His test is negative, but who knows. It’s pretty shocking that these kids never caught it. Still waiting for that shoe to drop. Bobby has been part of a grade-wide playwriting project which will culminate in some actor parents performing it on Monday night. It’s cute to see his excitement about it and how he wants to make sure we’re early so we can get good seats. He’s mostly a pretty even keel kid and can be hard to read, but every once in a while he’ll suddenly show enthusiasm for something and it’ll surprise me. He joined the yearbook club unexpectedly this year, which of course delighted me since I was the editor of my high school yearbook. It just gives me happy feelings about what fun it’ll be to watch him grow into junior high when he’ll have lots of opportunities to start leaning towards some interests. I asked both kids recently if they had any inkling of what they’d like to do for a living - Theo doesn’t know, but Bobby says he’d like to be an engineer, but I think he mostly says this because we’ve told him a few times he’d be good at that. I don’t know if he’s prepared for the amount of math involved. But I can see right now that he’s got a very organized brain - he’s perfectly capable of staying on top of his homework and projects, which is pretty good for an eleven year old boy who would I’m sure much rather be playing Gorilla Tag. When I was their age I probably still wanted to be an actress and a dancer; when I was twelve I saw Picnic at Hanging Rock and it blew my mind so much I decided right then and there that I wanted to be a filmmaker, which I avidly pursued for about twelve or so years until I realized that path was going to be completely impossible without money and connections and I had neither. I don’t think either of these boys will ever be interested in taking over my business, assuming it survives, which is just as well since I’ll have to do it all my life, which means they’ll have to have taken on other careers anyway. So, so much for a family-run business. Some day I may be tasked with finding a successor, which is an interesting thought. But I get ahead of myself.

Solo trips

Last weekend I went out to the desert by myself. It was mainly to meet yet another contractor, but also to try out being by myself out there. The H has been on an extended work frenzy - other than our Hawaii trip and taking time off for the boys’ birthday parties, he hasn’t been home before 2 AM once in nearly two months and we’ve barely seen each other. I was determined to not let a completely empty weekend go by without a desert visit (we’re back in at Knott’s this summer, so by May every weekend will be occupied until the fall). I thought about taking the kids, but then thought about how bored they would be, and how much I didn’t feel like entertaining them. I just needed time to myself. So the H took the kids to work, and I went.

I was concerned I would be scared, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The weather cooperated, so the temperature was perfect day and night, and there was no wind, which is unusual for this time of year. It was a delight being out there. It was slightly tempered by the fact that I wasn’t alone - the new neighbor was there working on his place and camping out just a few feet away. I finally got up the courage to go introduce myself as I was leaving - and the results couldn’t have been better. He’s a nice guy with the same aspirations as us - just wants to build a weekend place for himself and his family, and is slowly figuring out the logistics of water, power, etc. We traded info at a rapid pace - did you know about this, did you know about this? We exchanged numbers and he sent me a rendering of his place, which will be very modern. Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather nobody be there, but if we must have a neighbor, this is pretty much the best case scenario. 

The contractor I met with was a bust (will not give estimates for anything - just gave me an hourly rate for his guys but refuses to give a time estimate for each job, so it’s impossible to know what finishing up will cost. Yeah, forget it). The H and I had a contentious discussion in which he insists that we give up on all contractors and he just does the work himself. I see where he’s coming from, and certainly it’s not like we have any other options at this moment. I know he’s capable of the work, but I worry that YouTube videos alone are not enough detailed instruction to do jobs correctly. I also worry about logistics - he’ll need a truck, generator, and extra hands. If I go help him, it means the kids have to come, too, which means them being bored to tears while he and I work all day. This also means having to do this while there’s no school, which is summer, which is unbearable out there. And it means his having to take off work, which means loss of income and clients and having to be non-existent in our lives for the weeks around any time we work out there. All of these things just don’t make a great case for doing it ourselves. I can see doing some things - upstairs flooring, maybe, and painting the exterior. But structural things like windows and insulation and siding I feel like really need to be left to professionals. With summer coming on I don’t see us being able to do anything until October anyway, and then kids are in school so I can’t go. To me, continuing the contractor search makes more sense. So the neighbor says he’s going to look for us, and I reached out to some people on Yelp. La lucha continua. 

Last day on Kauai

Our Wailua river kayaking day was pretty epic, for a variety of reasons. Everything went well - there was one big downpour, but it happened during our stop at the Fern Grove, so perfect timing, really.

The kayaking was pleasant but a lot more of a grind than I’d remembered - maybe because I had a non-helping child in the front. I’m shocked I can still move my arms today. The hike up to the secret falls was a bit nuts - extremely slippery and muddy. Most of the time we were in up to our ankles, and everyone walking back towards us was covered head to toe from various slips and falls. There were also a few instances of fording cold, strong current river, which was a little scary with kids, but we all made the seemingly endless trek. However, just as we got within view of the falls, one of the tour guides from another group told us breathlessly that we need to turn around RIGHT NOW because the river had just doubled in size and we may not be able to get back through it, and our kayacks may be in jeopardy of washing away. Since we could see the falls, the kids and I were ready to turn around and go - everyone else was fleeing like the place was about to explode. But of course the H wanted to keep going and spend a few minutes looking at the falls since we’d come all that way. I didn’t see the point in just standing there for five minutes when we were in serious danger - like, we saw it, let’s go! But the kids and I were all yelling that we needed to get out of there, and he grumbled angrily for the first few minutes back. See, this is what it’s like living with someone with ADHD - his need for constant intense stimulation takes over any sense of boundaries or safety or other people’s comfort. It’s definitely been the most difficult thing in our relationship. 

The good news is he always gets over it. And the river was definitely more difficult to get through on the way back, and our kayacks were definitely about to wash away when we got to them an hour later. But as we went, despite being the last ones out, several groups were just starting their way in. 

Either way it was a good way to spend our last day here - the full Hawaii experience - and, miracle of miracles, I finally got my vegetarian loco moco for dinner, which was spectacular. 

I had a bit of a moment as we were driving through another rainbow to pick up dinner (because of course the restaurant was fully booked, leaving us to eat out of boxes huddled on the hotel room floor, again). I’ve come full circle with this place, Kauai. From my solo visit in 2010 during the weekend my aunt died which a month later put me on the path to single motherhood, to the disastrous visit alone with a toddler and a baby, to a couples visit with my new boyfriend, to a family visit today. And now I can’t help but feel like this will be my last visit - at least, probably for a long time, as there are so many other places in the world I want to see - and it’s poignant and sad and makes me feel things. This hasn’t been a great visit; I’ve changed, and the place has changed, and the magic has gone due to familiarity. I’m older now, and the sense of not wanting to waste time is upon me. We only have seven more years with Bobby as a child - we need to do more things with him than just this. But the part this place has played on my development as a person and a mother cannot be denied. It’s kind of like an amicable split from a first husband married young. Kauai can be over here doing it’s thing and I’ll be over there doing my thing, and we can wave to each other, and maybe we’ll circle back, and maybe we won’t, and either way it’ll be ok.

Hawaii

It’s our penultimate day on Kauai, and it’s been a bit fraught, to say the least. I think I’m deciding our time frequently visiting Hawaii may be behind us, for a while. 

While this trip was technically free - free airline miles and hotel room via points - it’s still going to cost a small fortune for me, between the rental car, airport parking, baggage, resort fees, and most importantly, food, which is costing us upwards of $250 a day. All at the time of year when I can least afford this. This probably wasn’t the greatest idea, this trip…but back in the fall when I booked it I didn’t know how broke I’d be; I also didn’t know how expensive Kauai had become. And we’ve never been here as a family of four. This isn’t the kind of trip you do on a whim with no planning and no money put aside, and I’ve done both, and the results have been mixed. I give the trip about a 4 out of 10 at the moment.

Things started off horribly with our first two full days here being ruined by giant storms all day - we did get a small break for about an hour in which we were able to get to Hanalei pier and jump off of it a few times before the torrential rains started again, but other than that, Friday and Saturday consisted of driving around in the rain, bored, arguing about what to do and where to eat, endlessly yelping restaurants only to discover they’re closed or the prices have doubled since the menu pictures were posted to Yelp. The H harps endlessly about what a ripoff everything is, which always results in vetoing whatever place I’ve found and spending another two hours googling and yelping and driving around aimlessly looking for something cheaper, only to discover the sketchy cheap places only have meat and absolutely nothing for me to eat, which makes me feel guilty when we have to all pile back in the car to head back to the expensive place that has one thing on the menu I can eat even if I don’t really want it and it’s usually pretty terrible. This scenario has presented itself for nearly every lunch and dinner we’ve had for the last four days. To say I could scream is an understatement.

We’ve tried to mitigate some of the money hemorrhaging with supermarket trips - the $5 sushi has been a bright spot, but other than that the daily bagels and muffins for breakfast and makeshift lunches of Doritos and cheez whiz on crackers have been a huge drag. I feel like I’ve gained back every pound I’ve lost since Christmas, and I could just be right. 

If I were here by myself I’d be eating a pristine diet of fresh foods from farmer’s markets and Thai curries and tacos. But I’m with men who want meat and giant portions for no money and those things just don’t mesh. To his credit the H never intentionally makes me feel bad about being the lone vegetarian that consistently ruins all the plans - but his general agitation has gotten under my skin, and all I want to do is just to go home.

I’m glad I didn’t book a bunch of expensive tours that all would have gotten canceled by the shitty weather, but each day has been a disorganized mess of spending all morning frantically googling to find things to do when the H decides what I want to do isn’t “epic” enough, then discovering the “epic” things he wants to do are not safe this time of year and definitely not kid-friendly. Then we end up doing what I wanted to do anyway but hours later. It’s exhausting. 

I’m so glad we only have one more day, and on this one day only we have kayaks rented to go do the Wailua river plus Secret Falls, a tour I did on my first trip here which I think we can manage on our own. So unless weather cancels us, we’ll be occupied the entire day with that, then can come home and pack and get ready to leave Wednesday morning. Finally a day of not pissing around looking for fucking restaurants. I can’t wait. 

Despite my bitching, we have done some cool things here. We did the drive up to Waimea canyon - it was pretty much clouded in, but after this picture was taken it cleared a little and we got to see some of it. 

We’ve had three good beach days with lots of swimming, snorkeling and boogie boarding. I can say I got my fill of beaches, and I’m grateful for that. I was worried I’d never get in the water at all as the trip began. The hotel has been nice, and we’ve enjoyed the pool and hot tub. Tomorrow will hopefully be a good high note to end the trip on. 

But I’ve decided it’s time to change up our school break plans. I think other than traveling cheaply to neighboring states like we’ll do this summer, I should focus more on quality than quantity - if finances allow, save up for an every-other-year international trip, and go to the cabin for the shorter school breaks. That’s what the place is for, after all. I don’t know if returning to Hawaii multiple times is really worth it anymore. The kids are old enough that they can go international and it’ll have more of an impact on their lives. So I think we can officially label this particular trip “better in concept”.

One bummer thing that happened was our desert neighbor and contractor has had a falling out with the father-in-law (our actual neighbor, where the contractor stays from Dec-April), and isn’t allowed to stay with him anymore, so they are leaving the area. He was very apologetic about not getting more done for us - he actually wanted to put in our windows today and tomorrow, but couldn’t find the spare keys that the father-in-law has, so we missed that opportunity. If we’d been home I would have driven out there with keys and we’d have windows in by Thursday. Ugh. But I’m feeling very sad that we’re losing these important neighbors, and under bad circumstances as well (sounds like there was a big shit show that got them kicked out). They were cool people and I was looking forward to getting to know them. I feel sort of lost and adrift without people we know nearby, even though there are others we’ve met at the Palms we can always call on for help or advice. So that was a big blow, emotionally. I’m glad I’m meeting a new contractor over the weekend - I kind of feel like he *has* to be the guy now, that I’m out of options. I’m still debating on if I should just drive out on Sunday or try to brave the place all by myself on Saturday night, or try to drag the kids with me. Personally I think I should try to be by myself out there, just to see what it’s like. After this week and after three more days of spring break when we get home with two antsy kids and nothing to do on our return, I think a solo desert trip might be just what the doctor ordered.