What a to-do

Something has been brewing for a few weeks now that all blew up dramatically last night. So much so that I had to leave a play I was at during intermission and go home, leaving my friend behind. I sent her an apology text later.

I don’t think I should go into too many details here, but suffice it to say it’s around the project my friend and I undertook to get an urn niche for our little old lady dancer friend who died in Jan. We fundraised the money to buy the niche and pay funeral expenses - costs that were inexplicably not provided for by her family - with the intention of having a gathering in two weeks to celebrate her life (mostly among swing dancers, but of course family is invited). Sounds lovely, right?

Well. Of course where grieving family are involved nothing can ever go smoothly. And the friend I undertook to do this with is notoriously pushy and a control freak who often rubs people the wrong way. So everything just blew up. The one family member we’ve been collaborating with blindsided us by wanting to make our swing dance community gathering also about her brother who nobody knew, who she somehow had money to buy a niche for, and we objected on the terms that it wouldn’t look right to have all these people who paid for the lady’s niche come in and feel like their money went to pay for this other random person’s funeral. We suggested having a family service first and then a community service later only for the lady - she objected. We involved the owner of the cemetery, who was always gushing over us saying how wonderful we are for doing this, and who I started taking yoga from last week, hoping he and/or our contact there could help. The family member did finally agree to two services but we were trying to nail down details and make sure our portion would really be just for our person and no one else, in a flurry of emails and calls. Somehow the owner saw the emails and became convinced we were “excluding family” (we never said this and in fact said the exact opposite on numerous occasions), decided we were the devil, and told us so in no uncertain terms. He got into an ugly shouting match over the phone with my friend in which he told her she was a horrible person, then emailed us both about how cruel we were and said if we don’t agree to the family’s terms right now he’s not only going to cancel the lady’s niche and make a statement to our donors how awful we are, but also kick us out of our own niches that we bought for ourselves. He had no interest in hearing our side of the story or letting us correct him that we never had any intention of excluding any family, quite the opposite. 

His extreme overreaction and abuse to us made me so mad that my voice is hoarse from yelling about it to various friends. I got four hours’ sleep. Bizarrely, my friend, who was the brunt of all this, wants to just concede to everything and carry on. I agree we need to concede, but for everyone’s peace of mind I think we need to just let the family take over completely, fuck the community part (that can happen at my event in September anyway), and remove ourselves entirely because it’s clear we’re not wanted and we’ve just upset everyone, so we need to just scrap our plans and go away. 

Never mind the fact that we did all of this and made it possible, never mind the fact that if not for us she’d just be in a box in someone’s closet, never mind the fact that this family member insisted on a “do resuscitate” notice for this lady against everyone’s wishes and the caretakers had to sit by helplessly watching this lady suffer for months when she just wanted to go, and told us so, repeatedly. But no, we’re the cruel ones. Cool cool.

The cemetery people repeated over and over how family is first and their obligation is to them, not us, and I agree, because legally that’s how it is. But in this, and many cases, I say fuck family. They didn’t give a shit enough to make any plans for her at all, kept her suffering alive against her will, and are trying to piggyback onto our hard work and money raising by throwing another person into the mix. Fuck family. For real. We’re clearly the only people looking out for her. 

And fuck this guy for assassinating our character like that. I’m furious. I am considering canceling my niche anyway just because I don’t want to give them my money, but I’m going to wait and see what happens next. I don’t think we should proceed with our part of the celebration and I don’t want any part of it going forward. We can celebrate her later on our own terms. 

It’s truly amazing how ugly things can get and how quickly things can spiral out of control. I know if it had just been me in charge none of this would have happened - I’m much better at managing difficult people than my friend is. But the combination of her volatile nature and this tricky situation just blew up and unfortunately here we are with this ugly mess on our hands. Life really sucks sometimes. 

Orthodonture

Ah, the moment I’ve dreaded. The moment of “these kids need braces - and immediately”. Having observed how Bobby has a tooth stuck up in his upper gum because there’s nowhere for it to drop in, and how Theo has really pronounced buck teeth that make it difficult for him to eat (he’ll just pick away at sandwiches and burgers unless I cut them into small pieces because he can’t bite them), I can’t delay anymore. I’m particularly worried about Theo, because I have a friend my age with a similar issue and she’s had tons of problems with her teeth over the years because of this and is currently undergoing extremely expensive dental surgery. The orthodontist says if we don’t correct this now before he’s a teenager the only way to do it later would be jaw surgery. Yikes.

The funny thing is, very few people my age had any kind of orthodonture - only rich kids got braces back in the day - and somehow we all turned out ok. So there’s a little part of me that is skeptical that any of this is really necessary, especially considering the horrid experiences I’ve had with dentists trying to upsell me on every little thing. But…I don’t think this is a risk I’m willing to take, just ignoring this advice. And as much as the $7000 price tag (to start!!! It’ll end up being about $12,000 in total) is horrible, and I don’t currently have it, thankfully I can finance it with no interest at a cost of about $250 a month. And the H had agreed to a rent hike of that amount a couple of weeks ago anyway, and he also offered to pay half the fees on top of that as well. So financially I won’t even really feel it.

The change to our daily lives, though, is something I’m very apprehensive about. Bobby I think I can trust to be fairly conscientious, but Theo has a whole other level of daily responsibility that will of course become my responsibility. He has to wear head gear twelve hours a day - at night, of course - to push his front teeth back. For eighteen months. That’s going to be a lot. Especially worrisome is the week he’s at summer camp, which is the only time I won’t be with him. 

As we were walking out from the dentist’s office I asked both boys what they thought about all that, since it’s their bodies under discussion. Bobby said quickly that he wanted braces. Theo, while I’m not convinced he really understood what was going on, also said he wanted to go ahead. I know his teeth bother him. It also helps that they know lots of kids who have had things like this, so it’s something they aspire to. I think for Bobby, too, it makes him feel older. His braces are only for two years, so the good news is he’ll only have them for less than that first awkward year of junior high school. By the time he turns thirteen they’ll be done. Same for Theo, who will also need full braces once this part is over. 

We’re going to spend a short time seeking out less expensive options but I will probably just go ahead with this plan. It’s going to change our lives a bit, but this is what life with kids is, constant change. We’re moving into big kid territory. Bobby has one year left at this school and then he moves on - Theo has gotten tall and skinny lately and all of his pants are suddenly too short. When their sweet little baby voices start changing I’m going to lose it. I think this is why I’m so frantic about spending these times out in the desert - it’s the only time we really switch off and enjoy each other. Even the H, a lifetime workaholic, commented as we were heading out there last weekend that he desperately needed family time. It’s funny that a little shack in a god-forsaken desolate place can bring an otherwise busy and distracted family together.

February desert visit

We had a lovely desert visit even though it was just for one night. Thankfully the weather cooperated and it wasn’t as cold as last time, and even though the wind kept me up at night, it abated enough by the morning that we were able to get some things done outside on Sunday before we left late in the afternoon. We won’t be able to go back for about six weeks - not until end of March - due to back to back birthday parties. I imagine things will be very different then. Hopefully no more night temperatures in the 30s and hopefully day temperatures in the 70s and 80s. We have such a tiny window to enjoy good functional weather out there that I feel a certain urgency about it. The H thinks we’ll be able to visit all summer but I’m not so sure. With no power those three digit days could be pretty unbearable; I can definitely hang better than he can, since coming from NY where the temperature doesn’t drop at night on the hottest days I’ve had many miserable hot nights and am used to it. My band also may be locked into Knott’s every weekend this summer again, so there’s that, too. 

We spent a decent amount of time chatting with our contractor. The jury is out as to if he will be able to get anything more done for us before he leaves again in April, which is coming up fast. He seemed to say he’d have time, but then would tell us he’s got several other jobs waiting on him, too, which made me skeptical. Time is running out. I know the reality is he just doesn’t know himself if he’ll have time so he doesn’t want to promise anything. It would be such a bummer if April came and went and we still have no windows or insulation. Just those two things and basic plywood walls would change everything for us - again, we could move things in permanently and stop living in a construction zone. Here I am trying to cook breakfast next to buckets of nails and boxes of tubes of caulk - it’s just a mess. My tolerance for these conditions is going to run out soon.

We were able to get all of the hammocks hung and it was everything I’d hoped - the boys loved swinging in them (broke the straps on two of them of course, so we’ll definitely have to upgrade the straps and carabiners) and I think it looks great, just having this little fire pit oasis in the middle of nowhere. Hopefully next time it’ll be warm enough to hang out there at night. 

My Soviet wall sink arrived from Ukraine and we hung it on the outhouse. It’s funny how a simple little device like this can bring you such joy and make life feel so luxurious. Just having an easy solution for hand washing - a difficult thing with no running water - makes such a difference. My hands have never been so clean in the desert.

The visit was much needed. Last week my business partner in my online registration system - the person who I bought it with and who has been the tech guy running it since 2018 - told me abruptly that he wants out, and is in fact stepping down from all dance-related activities, including running my scholarship program and putting together talks at my event (in addition to leaving me with no operable registration system months before I have to open). After freaking out and heavily researching for about 48 hours, today I have two zoom meetings set up with two dancers who have started up their own systems to see if I want to use them, and I’m fairly confident at least one will meet my needs. Replacing him on my system probably isn’t practical - as much as I love my system and think it’s perfect, it’s very old and clunky, and I can’t imagine who would want to take that on and run it for free. Most tech people would rather build their own and make some money off of it for all the work involved. So I just have to retire it and start over. Oh, and add yet another cost to my already bloated budget. It just never ends. I know I can’t be too resentful - this guy did a ton of thankless work for free just out of the goodness of his heart, and he has every right to throw up his hands and say he’s done with it at any time. The pandemic seriously damaged any hope we had of making our system sellable to other events, so there’s no incentive for him to continue work on it. I get it. But boy was I panicked. And at this moment I still don’t know what I’m going to do, and the idea of starting from scratch with a new and untested system on my 25th anniversary fills me with terror. This plus the hotel issues and I’m already dreading this year. Let’s hope the zoom meetings today bring me a little peace of mind.

Wrapping up

I am finally closing in on my tax preparation grand finale - collating all the numbers I’ve collected from all my accounts (two bank accounts, two credit cards, venmo, and PayPal) to put them together into a profit and loss statement that my tax preparer will use to sort my taxes this year. My appointment is March 1st. I really don’t know how it’s going to go this year, so I’m bracing for the worst. My California venues grant is taxable, and I took some deductions last year that otherwise would have been applicable this year. I made less money, but that grant put me over the top. I also paid a lot in estimated taxes, but I’m prepared for the fact that I may owe more. I hope I get a pleasant surprise. But 2022 was a weird year financially, so I don’t know what to expect. Finishing up my tax work means I can take a little mental break again, which is good. Having to do tax stuff every day or night kind of feels like homework - it’s definitely a chore. So it’s not surprising that I empathize when the kids bemoan their homework load. I hear ya, kid.

We’re going to try to nip off to the desert this weekend, even though we’re going to freeze our butts off again. It’ll be so different when the place is insulated. I’ve heard nothing from our contractor neighbor - and I don’t want to be pushy. He knows we have work for him and has told us he’d squeeze us in when he can. If only we could get those windows in and insulation in it would make such a difference. We could actually move in some furniture, move out all of the leftover construction stuff, and actually be kind of comfortable. For me, I’m looking forward to a weekend of just enjoying the environment - unlike last time, there’s no big projects to do, just small ones. We can hang the hammocks and just chill. I can’t wait to get away. And the timing couldn’t be better, as I’m looking ahead to what might be some years of a return to austerity - we may have to stop all these trips and just go to the cabin on long weekends and school breaks, unless it can be done for free like our upcoming Hawaii trip entirely paid by points. I’m perfectly content spending all my free time out there; that was sort of the whole point. And while I’m sure we’ll face challenges with vandalism and break ins at some point, it’s been nearly a year with the security cameras and nothing has happened yet, nor has the county come a-knocking telling us to tear everything down, although I expect that could happen at any time, too.

I’m glad the boys seem to enjoy going out there despite it being not that interesting for them; the day they groan in disgust when I tell them we’re heading out there will just break my heart. But I feel like, for now, a) they’re kids and just roll with things, b) they enjoy the adventure as much as we do, and c) they also dig that it’s our very own place. When I was talking to Bobby once about what he and Theo would inherit when I’m gone, and how they would have to decide whether to keep or sell things, he said, “the cabin, well, I’m definitely keeping that,” and that made me happy. I had a bit of a fantasy that he or Theo could attend Copper Mountain College just down the 62 and live in the cabin as free lodgings. I definitely wonder what role this place, and spending time out there, will have on their future selves. 

New month, new you

It’s February. Normally (as in, 2020 and before) this would be the night I’d be nervous and rubbing my hands together in anticipation of opening registration in a few hours, my bank account a gaping empty maw waiting to be refilled. But. I’ve moved the opening until May 1st under the assumption that this means I can still be “off” and not working for three more months. However, I don’t know if it’s really playing out that way. I still have event stuff to do every day, and people are reaching out with questions. Today another blow from the hotel - there’s a huge Beyoncé concert announced near the hotel on my weekend so they anticipate selling out, which means I will not have my usual latitude to add more rooms for people once my block sells out. I’ve added this information to all my messaging, but this is a huge problem. I don’t even want to think about the ramifications of not having rooms at the hotel available. Just another thing to be anxious about. 

And I’m definitely thinking that by next year it may make sense to move opening back to February. I’m starting to get worried that by May 1st people have plans for the summer booked already. This may not be a good policy. Right now it’s also covid wise - delaying until closer to the event means it’s easier to make policy decisions. But by next year, hopefully, that will no longer be relevant. 

I’m in my usual fiscal end-of-year panic about how quickly my money is disappearing and how can I spend less going forward…but I just don’t know how. I asked the H to pay more rent - it costs way more to live here now than it did when he moved in in 2016 - and he agreed. But that couple hundred dollars extra a month is not going to staunch the hemorrhaging. Life has just up and gotten super expensive. I need to make more money, but right now I don’t know how to make that happen.

The boys are in a bit of a difficult phase…I remember this happening a lot when they were littler; somehow things would just incrementally get more and more out of hand until I (and we) would have to lay down the law and start threatening consequences. It mostly has to do with homework and bedtimes - it’s become nearly impossible to get through either of these things without having to nag over and over, with both boys distracted and full of energy and jumping all over each other. It’s so frustrating. I read a passage in a book recently where a woman described her two brothers as boys “doing nothing else but constantly wrestling” and this is so true. I think of this every day. My cousins were like this at this age, too, and it also drove my aunt crazy. Solidarity.

As of tonight after we laid down the law, things *seem* to be a little more peaceful around here. But the boys absolutely loathe homework, and who doesn’t? I can only sympathize so much, and rationalize it with “life is full of things you have to do that you don’t want to do”, but kids don’t really hear that. They just know they spent all day in school and now they’re home where all the fun things are and they still have to do school things. It sucks. 

In other news, I’m on week 4 of my diet and am down nearly 7 lbs. It’s going well. While I started thinking I’d mix up the calorie days, I’ve found it’s easier to just do less than 1300 a day, every day. It’s mathematically impossible not to lose weight using this method, and the results are there. I am still 5 lbs overweight. But that definitely beats being 12 lbs overweight. I hope to be back to my event weight by Cancún in three weeks, which I am on track for. I haven’t tried my diet pills. I don’t feel the need yet - but I know in about a month or so is when it gets hard; when I’ve lost enough that I can justify stopping or gorging now and again, when the driving incentive goes away and the exhaustion and doubts creep in. Why not just stop? You’ve lost enough. Give yourself a break. All the things I tell myself that make me end up gaining ten pounds in two months. And so it goes. For now I’m very pleased with the progress, though, and feel good about continuing.