Anticipation

Two more nights until opening night. I’m pretty nervous, even though I know I shouldn’t be. I guess I’m having my usual pre-event “nobody’s going to show up this year!” freak out. It’ll pass. Somebody will show up. Right??

Friday night the kids and I went to an “Astronomy Night” at B’s school. What I was picturing was a group of kids sitting nicely while someone in charge gave a lecture on astronomy and let the kids look through telescopes. What actually happened was a large group of screaming kids clambering around playground equipment in the pitch black night while socially awkward older men from the Astronomy Society tried to prevent small children from getting nose prints and peanut butter fingers on their expensive lenses. It was so exhausting managing the boys’ intense energy and chasing them around in the dark that by the time I got home and wrestled everyone into pajamas I wanted to collapse. Ah, parenting.

Earlier that day was Bobby’s first time with the after school chess club. For this I had to pick him up after school and walk him to the lunch area to meet with the group. As soon as he saw the group, which mostly consisted of much older kids, he started crying and saying he didn’t want to go. As with all parents in moments like this, I started my usual routine of begging, coddling, threatening and guilt tripping to get him to relent and go to the club. In the end, what worked? The promise of a blue frosting-covered donut afterwards. Ha ha ha! He is his mother’s son. Sure enough, when I picked him up an hour later he was totally into it and can’t wait to go back. I delivered the blue donut. We were both happy.

How do we raise violin-playing, chess-playing children in this day and age when everything is iPads and video games? Am I just a dinosaur that has pseudo-intellectual fantasies of raising pretentious Luddite children? Am I handicapping them by not allowing them to be constantly inundated by technology, like everyone else? Am I trying to teach them skills that don’t even matter anymore in this digital age? I feel like I want to protect their innocence; but what’s most likely really going on there is a projection of my own childhood obsession with being innocent and aloof (the roots of which would fill a novel). Oh, how these children suffer for our own emotional issues, don’t they? All they want is to play MineCraft, for fuck’s sake. 

March on!

I marched on Saturday. It was a really good experience - the organizers really had their act together this year; lots of extra staff in the subways, lots of toilets. I thought for sure there’d be way less people and the right wingers would have a good laugh at our expense - I was kind of obsessed with this fear, actually, as in the days leading up to the march it seemed like all of my friends one by one decided they were going to skip it this year. However, the march ended up being huge and very inspiring. I decided to wear a witch hat and cape in homage to the feminists of the 70s who would dress as witches during demonstrations. I had such a blast wearing it and got such good feedback that I decided my new women’s march persona is going to be Resistance Witch.

I’m oddly hopeful about our future - the blue wave coming in November, not to mention the countless pissed-off women who’ve been inspired to run for office. Once this whole Drumpf nightmare is over, is it possible we’ll actually be better off than we would have been? Anger can be a spectacular motivator.

The boys are doing well - I’ve planned their joint birthday at a bounce house/trampoline place where we attended a birthday party a few months ago. I feel like at 6 Bobby has outgrown the little kid playplace we’ve been using, and since I’ll be inviting all of his kindergarten class, I need to be prepared for any number of kids. Luckily this year Bobby’s birthday falls on a Saturday (March 24) so we’ll have it then. 

In three weeks we go join two other couples and six more kids at a cabin in the mountains. It’s been such a dry year that I’m worried there won’t be any snow, but I’m sure it’ll be a crazy good time. I’m also trying to plot out a family trip to Hawaii this summer, using the free flights we got from delays last summer. It will be the first time traveling with two kids since that disastrous trip when Theo was a baby. I can only hope travel with a six-year-old and four-year-old (not to mention another adult) will be dramatically different. 

But everything depends on how my event goes this year. I open for registration in just a week. My money has nearly run out. This year is a total wild card - the year after a big anniversary year; who the hell knows? I estimate I’ll lose 200-300 people to be back where I was the year before; but I could lose more, or I could keep my numbers up, which would be amazing. No plans can be made until after the 1st. 

I so hope I have a good opening night. Resistance Witch has bills to pay!

Edit: was able to add a picture!

Resolutions and such

It’s a new year. I’m pretty heartened to see the general attitude on Facebook about it is “let’s grab this year by the balls!” instead of last year’s fear and defeatism. Hey, we survived a whole year with an incompetent lunatic in the White House. I’m furious he’s still there - but we’re still alive and functioning. That’s something, right? And it’s all about those mid-terms. I can’t frigging WAIT for November.

As usual I’ve assembled myself a list of resolutions. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep any of them. I’m still in Little Kid Mode - I’m still responsible for the every need of three people (sometimes four). It’s a lot, and I am always exhausted, no matter how much time off or rest I get. I figure this will continue at least until Theo is in kindergarten, which is still almost two years away. So just surviving the year is my number one resolution.

Secondary is learning piano (I have a cheap intro lesson with B’s violin teacher next Saturday) and resuming yoga finally (tentative plans to check out a local studio on Tuesday). I would also like to not buy any new clothes for myself for an entire year (except underwear and socks), sticking with second-hand clothes only. Being a seasoned vintage clothes shopper, this should not be an issue. But there is some comfort in just waltzing into a Target or an Old Navy and pulling things your size off the rack and getting in and out fast. Vintage clothes (even modern vintage) takes a lot more digging and time (and creativity). But somehow I got the bug up my butt that I really don’t want to contribute to the fast fashion industry anymore, so I’d like to at least try that. 

I would also like to take off the 5-7 pounds I packed on since the summer. I know this is laughable to some, and I’m pretty annoyed with myself that I even care about such a paltry amount of weight. But I know that not caring is exactly how you wake up and find yourself 20, 30, 40 lbs overweight one day and wonder how it happened. Being vigilant is how you stay slim. But oh, it’s so exhausting, and hard, and it’s so tempting to just say “fuck it” and let yourself slip into middle aged spread. To say I have a complicated relationship with weight at this stage in my life would be an understatement. 

What I would like for my life this year is this: try to get through the final full year of schlepping Theo between preschools and lots of childcare time with some grace; continue to have thriving, healthy kids; continue to be in a loving relationship; have another successful event that benefits from the many changes I’m making this year and makes enough to renovate my kitchen; continue to work on my mental health and not let intrusive thoughts ruin my serenity; be able to have those rare, elusive moments of just sitting in the moment and feeling grateful and proud of all I’ve accomplished. 

But mostly, be kind to myself. I do a lot, and I’m not perfect, and striving for perfection is a fool’s game. People always say, “everyone does the best they can,” but that’s total bullshit. I don’t always do the best I can; I assume this is true for everyone else, too. Sometimes you fuck up and you know you’re fucking up and you just don’t care. Welcome to being human. I know 2018 will have many of those moments of not being my best. Let’s hope I can have the grace to shrug my shoulders, chuckle to myself, and try to do better tomorrow (maybe).