I think we're broken up. Although the BF had been cigarette-free and on the patch for a week and a half, Monday night he came over and I couldn't help but notice that the previously lost vaporizer was now found...and he was sucking on it all night, while simultaneously proclaiming to now be a non-smoker. I found this disturbing, but, as usual, tried to sweep it under the rug. As you do.
Then last night he texted me thanking me for helping him quit smoking. I was touched by this. But then he told me he's decided he's going to use the vape instead. Ummm...what? That's not quitting smoking. Maybe it's not as life threatening, but it's just another crutch. I texted that I thought the whole point was to be free of addiction and dependency, to not be constantly stopping to use some device to cover up anxiety. He tried to defend it to me, but I wasn't having it. He is never going to be free of addiction. He's a self-medicating addict.
Once again someone I love has chosen to self-medicate at the expense of a relationship with me. We really do date our parents, don't we?
I didn't know what to say so I texted a sad face. He said he's sorry he hurt me and he'll sleep on my couch and pick up his stuff in the morning. And so he did. I pretended to sleep as he got his stuff out of my closet and cleaned out his drawers, my heart pounding and nausea churning my stomach as I stared out the window with him inches away gathering his things. Then he left.
What have I learned from this experience?
Well, for one, never date a smoker. Just don't do it. Your whole life will be sabotaged by their stupid destructive habit. And make no mistake about it - they love the cigarettes more than you.
Be wary of people with dark pasts. Nine times out of ten they have not actually dealt with their issues even if they claim they have.
If someone makes way less money than you and has pretty much fucked up their whole life and lives in disorganized chaos when you are a very successful Type A person, you are not a match.
If someone has an obsessive, compulsive nature, watch out.
So that leaves single men available for me to date in the LA area at about zero. Good times.
Even worse, I either have to find someone to go to Hawaii with me in three weeks or not go at all (going alone does not appeal to me) for what was supposed to be our one year anniversary.
Good times all around.
Breaking up always sucks, I'm sorry it didn't work out. He seemed like a nice guy overall and good with the boys too. But if all the pieces didn't fit it's best to walk away. Take a few months off from men in general.
ReplyDeleteI do have to disagree with you on one thing, smokers don't love cigs more than the people in their lives. My dad, both grandfathers and my son's father were all smokers. Never once did I feel like any of them would put a cig before anyone they loved. Thankfully my dad managed to quit smoking but it was a long hard battle that involved him "trying" to quit at least 20 times. Patches, gum, meds, cold turkey, tapering, you name it he tried it. Hypnosis finally worked for him (I didn't expect it to but was very happy that it worked!) My son's dad (who I'm still close friends with) used a combination of Wellbutrin and therapy to finally quit. It's not an easy thing to do for some by any means. It doesn't mean that they don't love the people in their lives, it means they have an addiction that they struggle with..
I am so sorry hun. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know it is disappointing. I also feel like someone who smokes has an addiction, and I would not want to be in a relationship with someone like that if I could help it. But I think I might bite my tongue because you may get back with him? Time will tell I guess. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think making it a year and having a healthy and loving relationship that you worked on together is a BIG accomplishment, even if ultimately you were unable to make it work out. You have been vulnerable, and that is SO hard! Sorry this is a hard part. Really sucks about the Hawaii trip. Hope you can find someone to go with you rather than scrapping it :( Be kind to yourself...
ReplyDeleteThis was hard to read... I was really hoping things would work out for you. But you tried, you really gave it your all, and I think that as terribly painful as this was, you probably saved yourself pain in the long run. Better that this happened now than for you to get dragged into years of trying to help him and being disappointed. I hope you'll feel better about things soon, and hope Hawaii works out.
ReplyDeleteOh man. I'm so sorry. I was really rooting for you guys. I'm still hoping he will come around. It sucks that he chose nicotine over you guys.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happens, I am so impressed with YOU. You stuck to your guns about your values and refused to compromise on something so important. I hate that your relationship had to end but that was his choice, not yours.
I really, really hope you get to go on your trip to Hawaii! I hate it when breakups are inconveniently scheduled like that! I went to DR with a boyfriend as we were in the process of breaking up and it was kind of nice and kind of horrible. And then a week later we went to SF together for a conference and that was full on horrible. So much crying on a plane.
The good thing about being single, for me, is that I never ever cry. Relationships make me cry.
But don't give up. A year is impressive. You are a catch. If you want to try again at some point, do. A year is not a failure. It was a good experience.
I think a year is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to get to know someone and try to make a relationship work. I think you should look at this as an accomplishment rather than a failure.
ReplyDeleteYou gave it a year! I mean that was a good try. But it's no good to keep going after that if you know it isn't working. Wish we could do a single mom in Hawaii trip!
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