Time bomb

When people ask how old the kids are, I always say, "almost one and almost three." And we really are almost there - Theo will be one in just two weeks. His development has been skyrocketing too - he started clapping today, is getting really good at self-feeding, and has even stood independently a couple of times. I am thinking about how many more weeks, or days, before I wean. It could be any time, really. We do one brief feed in the morning and that's it, and have for weeks. One day, rather than lying down with him up on the daybed in the attic I'll just take him downstairs, and just like that our relationship will be forever changed.

Always on my mind is the fact that the days of Theo being a sweet, compliant baby are numbered. And that breaks my heart. Because he'll never, ever be that again. Right now he's all smiles and love and little fluttery hands touching my face. 

Contrast this with Bobby, who is so, so difficult and infuriating almost all of the time. He now hits me out of anger, yells directions at me (every car ride now involves endless shouts of "drive, mama! Drive!!!" no matter how many times I explain that we have to wait for the green light, have to wait for the other cars to move, etc.). He has horrendous rages in which he turns bright red and sticks his hand in my face and yells at me to stop. And yet all of this is totally normal. Another mother at his school the other day was so fed up with her boy's unwillingness to get into the car that she started yelling to no one in particular, "does anyone want this kid? Free kid!" I told her I'd been there too (ummm...five times a day, actually). As we drove away (with Bobby yelling, "drive!!! Drive!!!") I saw her off in a corner talking and talking to her squirmy, miserable kid. I would have just forced his ass into the seat. But that's me.

So I look at Theo's sweet little face and I can't help but live in dread of the day I'm dragging him kicking and screaming from playgrounds or keeping my face arched away from him so he won't smack me. 

Maybe Theo will be "easy". But...I won't hold my breath.