Naturally, we have run into a snag. Saturday I noticed the hot water coming out of any faucet was just a thin trickle; Sunday morning confirmed it when I couldn't use the shower and had to take a quick sponge bath in the tub. Flash back to the days in my old apartment in the East Village that had more days without hot water than with, and large pots of water heating up on the stove. Ah, I remember it well.
I still have no hot water. They say my galvanized pipes are the culprit and they need to be swapped out for copper which will of course cost a fortune and delay everything. Of course. And no hot water (or water at all) today. I would be more upset about this, but right now I have more pressing issues to worry about.
Apparently it's Do or Die time with the BF, just shy of one year. After spending a day with him, watching, exasperated, as he smoked all day while wearing a nicotine patch, even leaving a movie I took him to because he was "too antsy" (read: needed to go out and smoke), I was fed up. That night in bed I decided to let him have it, finally.
He asked if his not quitting would be a deal breaker and I said yes. I said I hated how we were all inconvenienced by his stupid addiction, how much it intruded on our lives, how unfair it was. That the rest of us don't get to take a break from life every hour. That he is an addict and I am dating an addict, and exposing my children to an addict, something I swore I would never do, and that this is all my old codependent bullshit, and I hate myself for it.
He calmly asked if there was anything else holding me back and I said yes, his financial irresponsibility. That he is in no position to be a part of this family when he can't even get his own shit together or take care of basic things like his teeth or see a doctor or make sure his car runs.
He asked if he got these things taken care of and quit smoking would I feel better about being with him? I said yes, of course.
Then he finally said the words. "Then we need to have a serious conversation about me moving in here."
My answer wasn't great but was a direct response to the sickening dread I felt when he said those words. "Well, I'd have to have a lot of therapy before anything like that started happening."
He said it was late and he had to get to sleep.
We lay in silence for a few minutes while I stared at the smoke detector light on the ceiling.
Then he rolled back over and kissed me and said he loved me, to which I grunted a response.
The next morning we were too caught up in the tragedy in Orlando and the realization that there was no hot water to deal with anything else.
We texted throughout the day. He says he's going to try not smoking at all for a week. Why he didn't do this when he first got the patch two weeks ago annoys me to no end. He says he's going to get everything else sorted out, too - the labyrinthine back taxes, the health insurance, the unpaid bills. He says if he doesn't then he'll end it himself, not wanting to make an enabler out of me. I asked how confident he feels that he can actually get all of these things accomplished. He said, "very". But I am not confident at all. I give it maybe 20%.
He keeps asking if we should break up for a few months until he meets all of these goals, and, if he does, can he then move in. I don't have an answer for any of this, really. Although I have determined that I don't want him living here without a bigger commitment, i.e., marriage. But that I am a long way from even considering marrying him. He has a lot of shit to prove to me first, and I need to feel ready. And I'm soooo not.
Hanging in the balance now is Bobby's Father's Day thing at school on Friday, our trip to Hawaii in a month, and countless tickets to things over the next few months. It all sucks. But right now I don't really want to see him. I need some time alone with my thoughts. It worries me how similar he is to my mother with his self-medicating and empty promises and financial instability.
Have I, yet again, chosen to date my mother?
And if so, there is no way that will ever be a positive or worthwhile thing in my life.