Goth family photos

To be fair, I had the idea to dress us all in black for our photos this year even before the election, but it felt even more fitting after. I’m pleased with the results. 

Theo asked for a cookbook from his book fair, and I’m determined to have him pick one or two things a week to make and take the time to make them with him. I’m so glad he’s at least interested in cooking; I feel like a total slacker for not empowering these kids with food instruction yet because it’s always just easier for me to do it. Thankfully I’ve been pretty inspired to do complicated cooking projects lately, so this should translate to willingness to work with a kid trying to learn, too.

After many phone calls and complicated app and website set ups, I finally got all my retirement and kid college fund savings contributions automated. I also have a conference call with my tax guy on Monday to make sure everything I’m doing makes sense from a tax perspective. I looked into the costs of higher education - something I have zero understanding of - and it’s not as grim as all that. Sure, if you’re aiming for some top school, room and board in another state, you’re going to be out hundreds of thousands of dollars. But if the kids can stay at home (and why not?) and go to a local university, even something like UCLA will be easily affordable on what I can save in time. It’s the housing that gets you. So that made me feel better. I took a friend to the desert last weekend who says they have $0 saved for their kids’ schooling and don’t plan on saving anything. So I’m not alone in this. At least I can start now, and have six years to save for Bobby and eight for Theo. I’m going to save a little more each month for Bobby so they end up with the same amount. 

Yesterday I began the process of dismantling their haphazard toddler bedroom in anticipation of the switch to a big kid room starting this weekend. I took down all the framed photos I put up when they were three and one - pictures of my grandparents and their grandparents and me; also all their school photos I’ve been lining up on their wall in a crooked desultory manner. I spent all day yesterday repurposing those framed photos into the living room and cleaning and reorganizing the big bookcase. Boy what a dusty mess! It’s still a bit cluttered but at least pared down. Next I need to tackle the big mess of school supplies all over the dining room, which hopefully from now on will be kept in the soon to be new desk in their bedroom. 

Just like last year’s big move to the desert, which was just as exhausting and relentless as I expected, I know this room renovation will also be a huge undertaking (at least this project won’t involve a uhaul truck stuck in soft sand that needs to be pulled out). Also this week should end with a lovely quiet visit to the desert rather than start and end with tons of furniture moving and putting together. 

It’s another season in our house - no more babies and toddlers, no more school-aged kids, now moving into teenager and college kid phase. I’m here for it. 

Futures

This week I chose to focus all my anxiety and angst into something that’s been hanging over my head for ages - my plan, or lack thereof, for retirement and the boys’ college. 

First I tackled my current retirement account, which, according to a guy at JP Morgan, needed a re-allocation. I took this account out twenty years ago - it’s a special small business account which apparently isn’t often offered anymore - and put pretty much nothing into it all the years I struggled just to make ends meet, only contributing in the last few years mostly as a tax shelter. I had to track down the advisor who set it up for me, and after much back and forth managed to set up an online account for it so I could start tracking it. Included in this online account is the answer to the question I’ve had for ages which nobody’s been able to definitively answer - how much do I need to put away each month to have any kind of survivable last quarter of my life? The website has a comprehensive calculator which helped me come up with a plan, one I can live with. But much like paying down my house, I need to get super aggressive about saving. This needs to be my main focus from now on.

The sad part is, the kids’ school funds will have to suffer a little. I just can’t put away as much as I would like for them. But honestly, I feel like I have no choice - I will 100% get old and be unable to work at some point; whether the kids will go to college and/or need any money from me at all is up in the air. In order to grow their accounts the most efficiently, I have to take out 529 accounts, and for those you can only spend the funds on education. So, I’m reluctant to rob myself to pay into these funds that may not even be used (and to be fair, even paying in the amount I had hoped wouldn’t even give them half of what they might need, so it all seems a little hopeless). 

Two things happened that changed everything for me on the issue of saving. One, I had always assumed since my job - the event - isn’t physically taxing and only requires brief spurts of actual work, I thought I could just do it forever. This year changed my mind, however. I don’t want to be trapped into doing this until I’m in my 90s (assuming I’m lucky enough to even have an event for that long!). I don’t actually want to do this forever. It’s insanely stressful and unstable and exhausting. I can barely hack it now, in my 50s - how am I going to keep going twenty years from now? I need an exit ramp. 

The other thing is, with interest rates plummeting, my plan to save money in a high yield savings account no longer makes sense. The returns just aren’t there anymore. So it really is better for me to have these accounts that invest for me and actually grow the money (for the most part). 

I had some pretty massive freak outs this week about how little money I’ve managed to save, how foolish I’ve been, and how I’m going to get stuck paying the price. However, it’s not as grim as all that. If I can continue to make my full income until 70, I can absolutely have a nice nest egg, especially if my social security kicks in and the H’s kicks in (did you know there’s such a thing as survivor benefits to the spouse? I did not). There’s also the option of keeping my event but hiring people to manage it, something I can do as soon as I no longer need to keep every penny. Certainly by the time I’m 70 and the boys are in their thirties, this can start happening. And don’t forget I now have a free house to live in. 

So I feel better that there are solutions on the horizon…but it definitely means no more big expenses. We'll have to get creative with the boys' schooling, too. But we're not rich people; never have been, never will be. We'll figure it out, whether it means two years at a community college and then transferring, or work-study, or scholarships, or me utilizing every extra penny I have to make their school dreams come true and living extremely frugally during their school years. It will be an interesting time in a few years, that's for sure.

Now what?

Well, it’s been a week, almost. Everyone I know, everyone I encounter, is devastated, numb, angry, checked out, etc etc. Everyone is dealing with this horrible loss in different ways. But we’re all scared and feeling betrayed, that’s for sure. 

Since I long ago curated my FB friends, I only got push back on my post from one person who for the last year has made Gaza her whole personality, who wrote a scathing comment on how dare I judge her decision not to vote, then screen shot my post to her page calling me a Nazi and a clown, and unfriended me. Not surprised by that one. You know what I think? I think she feels guilty because she knows she totally fucked up and was just lashing out at me. Whatever. Everyone is lashing out at everyone right now. 

As we were watching the results Tuesday night, when it became clear we were losing, and horribly at that, the H said very flippantly “well, I knew this was going to happen” and started watching stupid videos on his phone. In order to not start screaming at him, I removed myself to the porch and sat in the cold for two hours. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The next day he had tears in his eyes. As much as I didn’t like his initial reaction, I see it now as just self protection in the moment. It feels much less powerless to say “I knew it” than “I can’t believe it”. 

Also? I can’t actually believe it. I’m about 99% sure there was vote tampering in the swing states. I think democrats are too afraid of “sounding like them” to actively pursue this claim, however, which is infuriating. Not underestimating how much racism, sexism, and general shittiness still caused real people to vote for the orange turd - but I would bet $1000 that we actually won this election by a hair but Musk and Putin and whoeverthefuck else rigged it so votes switched or disappeared in some states. Unless someone proves me wrong, this is where I’m at. Which is a terrible place to be, because if we can never have a real election again, we’re more screwed than we already think we are. 

Things have sucked locally, too - there was some kid wearing a maga hat and taunting other kids in Theo’s class on Wednesday (thankfully that’s the only school incident I heard from either kid - hooray for the woke LAUSD system). But I’ve seen way too many people around LA gloating their Trumpism - in particular, one scary incident at my corner gas station in which a guy with a black cloth over his face and tons of Trump regalia was hanging around a little too much when I was filling up. I refused to even look his way; I could just tell he was waiting for me to roll my eyes or show him how disgusted I was so he could start something. Why are you covering your face, motherfucker? It ain’t that cold! 

What can I say? The absolute worst among us have been emboldened to be their worst - the anti-LGBTQ, the racist, the anti-feminist, rule the world now; it’s going to be a very dangerous place for anyone who’s not a straight white Christian male. 

Speaking of straight white males, both the H and I have had conversations about how they need to call out that shit when they see it in person or online, that they need to be the good ones here. For me, personally, the idea of my boys being red pilled by the manosphere scares the living shit out of me. Will our influence be enough to counter the alt right’s ever-expanding grip on young white boys? Will it? 

Anyway. There’s nothing I’m writing here that’s profound or unique. Everyone who hates Trump is feeling all of the same things. My one hope is that most people don’t really care about anything but how much things cost, and that hopefully Trump won’t help that, and, assuming we still have a fair election in 2028, we can kick him (or Vance) out. People love to blame the President for all their problems; I’m pretty sure the orange turd will NOT make life better for the average American and there’s a chance they’ll turn on him like they did in 2020. 

Or, you know, not.

As much as I realize it’s neither practical nor possible for the west coast to secede, boy has that been my go-to fantasy the last few days. America is over - let’s just start our own nation. But, never going to happen. So here we are, tied to government that the vast majority of us doesn’t want and that doesn’t represent our values or interests AT ALL. Cool cool cool.

I refuse to be blasé (oh well, America has always been trash, whatever) nor toxicly positive (everything’s going to be ok!) nor catastrophize (he’s going to tear up the Constitution on day one!). Like most of us, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to survive this. And continue to live my life and run my business with integrity and values whether this country stands for those or not. 

I broke down sobbing in the car taking the kids to school Wednesday morning - Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” came up on my shuffle, and I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I told them I didn’t want to make them scared, but that what just happened was really bad. I think they may think I’m just bummed because a woman lost, and for sure that’s a big part of it for me, personally. But I also don’t want to fill them with despair about their futures - as much as, honestly, they should be filled with despair about their futures.

If I were in my late 30s-early 40s and considering trying to become a single mother by choice right now, that would be a RESOUNDING NO. I’m already feeling guilty that I selfishly brought them into this complete shit show, even though they were both born into the second Obama administration. I kind of envy people my age with no kids who can just try to survive their remaining years - 25, 30? and then peace out of here. If things go the way I most fear - that we’re just trapped in this fascist hell literally forever - all we can do is just try to make it until we can just slide into the void. 

The day after

Today I put all my rage into a Facebook post. Here it is:

I CANNOT get over how few Democrats showed up this time. What happened to record registrations? Record early voting? Record turnouts? Lines around the block? Was that all just a mirage? Were we just wishful thinking and all these people actually were Trump voters? Did THAT MANY new registered Democrats just NOT VOTE when the time came? Did no one understand how important this election was?!? We could have been done with Trump FOREVER. Now we’re stuck with him - and his ilk - FOREVER. We, and the global community, and the planet, are NEVER going to recover from the damage this ONE ORANGE FUCK are going to cause over the next 4+ years. 

I hope those of you who were too apathetic to vote Harris are happy. I hope those of you who “just couldn’t” vote Harris because of Gaza are proud of yourselves (guess what - Trump is about to make things WAY WORSE for the people of Gaza). We handed the future of the entire world over to this craven rapist racist piece of shit and his cronies because we just didn’t show up, and couldn’t outweigh the ignorance, misogynoir, Xenophobia, and just plain shitty character of the other half of this country. If you don’t see Trump this way, then congratulations. The Russian misinformation campaign has succeeded. I hope you’re not too shocked when the price of eggs doesn’t magically plummet, since that’s all you gave a fuck about (oh, and hating immigrants).

I used to have *some* faith in the goodness of the American people, at least some of us. But now I see that the goodness of some of us will NEVER be enough to outweigh the wave of female internalized misogyny, male misogyny, racism, self-hatred, recent immigrants turning on more recent immigrants, tribalism, colorism, colonization, white supremacy, revulsion of non-cis het people, that has always existed but was enabled, promoted, and celebrated by Trump and his ilk. When I see people in MAGA hats and other stupid paraphernalia (made in China), this is what I see. You’re either proudly, unabashedly all or some of the things above, or you’re just too gullible to double check news sources or don’t care to. You think you’re a proud American? Actually, you are. You clearly enjoy all of the things above, which made this country what it is (if you think this country wasn’t built on slavery, genocide and unpaid female labor, you’d better check your history). You’re the real American, not me. I bow to your superior craven-ness. 

All you women who think Trump is great because past traumas taught you to fawn to play-acting Alphas like him, thinking this rapist will protect you from all the other rapists (he only does this because he doesn’t want the other guy taking his property) - good job with your Trump vote. You just made the lives of every non-white and/or non-cis/het person much, much harder, and more dangerous. But, you don’t care about them, so…yay? And this means gas prices are going to plummet and we can start saying the N word again…right? Only one of those things is true. 

I used to cling to the MLK quote that the arc of the moral universe is long but bends towards justice, but now I’m not so sure. I thought the first Trump regime was *hopefully* a blip, and when Biden was elected we were back to sane politics. Now I see that Obama and Biden and all of the less offensive Republican presidents in recent years were in fact the blip, and Trump is what we are now and have always been. The people have, indeed, spoken. And sadly there are now more of them than us - at least, those who turn up to vote. The Russian disinformation campaigns, the manisphere, the influencers, have all succeeded. All the rest of us can do is just try to survive this. God (or whatever) help us all.

Hallowe’en

Another Halloween on the books. Theo’s costume will rank as the most 2024 thing imaginable - he went as inflatable skibidi toilet, much to the consternation of his brother but the delight of nearly all the other trick or treaters. We initially had a bet going that we would hear the phrase “skibidi toilet” twenty times during our entire night; we got to that number within minutes. We also heard just “toilet”, “toilet man”, “the bathroom”, and “water closet”. Also a couple of teenagers said he “had issues”. Theo, as per usual, was delightfully unperturbed by the naysayers and said it was the best night of his life.

Bobby went as a tuxedo t shirt monkey (his favorite animal) and I joined him as a vaguely wrinkled banana.

And so completes Phase 1 of the holiday trifecta. Today right on schedule I put away all the decorations and costumes. The pumpkins we bought a couple of weeks ago have still gone un-carved - a babysitter is coming Sunday night while we’re at a wedding; she loves craft projects so I may ask if she wants to do this with the boys. Personally, I can’t be buggered. They insist on buying these giant, tough pumpkins that are pretty much impossible to cut into. Last year we gave up after just a couple of cuts. Meh. I would like to roast the seeds, however. 

Today I got a cortisone shot in my big toe in an attempt to help with the never ending pain I’ve had there due to arthritis for the last couple of years. I have no idea if it’ll do anything, but I’m hoping for the best. I only wish it hadn’t been the height of covid when I had frozen shoulder - I could have tried this for that, too, and possibly saved myself a solid year of needless agony. 

As far as What’s Happening Tuesday, I’m trying, and occasionally failing, to remain zen about it. I’ve voted; I’ve done my part. I’m glad it’s sooner rather than later - a whole year of Drumpf anxiety has taken its toll. I just want it over with. Do I think we’ll win? I honestly don’t know. No one does. I still think there’s a chance women will save this election, we’ll take it hands down, and we’ll realize we had nothing to worry about. But also he could be elected, the ramifications of which are too hideous to even consider. I listened to an AOC interview in which she talked about a nation wide abortion ban that got me so worked up I couldn’t sleep. Sadly, last time his administration was just a disorganized mess - this time the Christian Right has figured out how to fully utilize that useful idiot. So it really is horrifying. And it could be days, weeks, months? before we even know the results. This is going to suck.

But hey, at least the Dodgers won the World Series…right?