Break!

We had a pleasant weekend in the desert, the first of the kind I’d been dreaming of since I bought the place, in which we just had to pack some clothes and a cooler and head out - rather than having to bring half the house every time. We didn’t do much - met with a new contractor to see about a porch and a staircase, ate a lot of expensive restaurant food, and were generally foggy and dehydrated. 

The new contractor that I found in a local group was a funny guy - Ken doll handsome and with adhd characteristics; talked our ears off for two hours while I kept trying to loop him back to taking actual measurements and talking about materials. He had a good idea for the staircase - right now we’re still using a ladder to climb up to the top floor. His idea was to have stairs going sideways along the back wall which is way better than just building a sturdier ladder. The H didn’t like him, but seems ok with continuing - we should get a bid shortly. As always I don’t know what to think of this guy, but I do know we don’t really have a choice and it would be nice to get these final projects finished even though I technically can’t afford it. Also as always he pointed out all the things the previous contractors did wrong. They love doing that. Sigh. 

One good discovery is that the insulation is doing a bang up job - even with the temps dropping to the low 40s at night, we never needed the heater. The upstairs stayed toasty from the all day radiant heat from the sun, and good bedding meant we were never cold. I know it can get a bit colder out there - it was high 60s during the day and 40s at night and I know it can be 50s in the day and 30s at night, but at least most of the time it won’t get that cold, and we probably only have three more winter visits at most before the glorious spring comes again. 

It’s Monday of the first week off school and I’m a bit panicked about everything that has to happen this week - mainly the grant paperwork - but I keep telling myself it’ll all get done. I have to do two podcast interviews and edit those and tee them up for release while I’m gone; wrap all the presents (when kids go to bed); make candy; prepare for our trip (laundry, packing, use up food, etc); get my hair done; find something for us to do all day on Thursday while the cleaning lady is here and it’s raining all day; get groceries; go to the bank to deposit cash from our last band gig; make breakfast, lunch and dinner each day and clean up after; and, of course, grant paperwork. Why am I blogging right now instead of starting? Procrastination - but I’m going to blame it on the fact that the H is monopolizing the bathroom so I can’t get up and start my day. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 

Final week of school

Two more days of school and then I (we) get to sleep in for three weeks (mostly). I’m inordinately excited about this. I know Bobby, my fellow night owl, feels the same.

We’re lagging on Christmas presents this year. Bobby has made an expansive list, which is very helpful, but Theo has no idea what he wants, and we have no idea, either. We did trade their untouched Nintendo switch for a second used VR headset, but we need to supplement with other small things and we’re at a loss. Bobby asked for sunglasses and a drink cooler and I figured both boys could use those things so I ordered them for both, and I also got some books and impulse bought a Lego chess set. But time is running out - we leave for Florida a week from Sunday so our Christmas will have to be Saturday, and all of these things have to be bought, shipped, and wrapped. I also haven’t even begun the candy making I normally do at this time - mostly because there’s no rush, I don’t need to give any out until next week, and next week is pretty empty while this week is pretty full. It’ll all fall into place I’m sure, but right now it’s still up in the air.

This week I’m just allowing myself to enjoy my last moments of solitude before the three week onslaught of family time, which for much of it involves cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least three people every day, which I despise doing. My whole life becomes food prep and kitchen cleaning and it sucks up pretty much all of my time. Not to mention having to monitor kids actually changing their underwear and brushing their teeth and the constant, pulsating guilt of knowing the kids are on screens too much and I really should be arranging fun and enriching activities for us but I just don’t have it in me to be fun coordinator anymore after twelve years of parenting. Don’t get me wrong - I’m actually looking forward to the school break. But I am experiencing a certain amount of existential dread regarding what I’m actually going to do with these kids all day every day.

I had a big nothing of a corporate gig last night that paid ridiculously well, then tonight is the real marathon in that we have to drive to San Diego and back. I probably won’t be home before 3 AM, which is scary. I promised myself last time we did this gig that we should stay at a hotel rather than try to drive home - but here we are. The H will take the kids to school in the morning. And I’ll probably need all day to recover. The good news is, it’s (almost) the last of the gauntlet of Christmas gigs (one more easy and fun one next Friday). 

Looming ever above my head is my grant review which I have not tackled other than reaching out to my accountant for help. He wrote up a chart of accounts for me - that’s one thing done - but someone else in his office has to do a year’s worth of bank reconciliation, and I haven’t heard from that person. I also have a ton of work to do myself, but I’ve been forcing myself to wait until next week so I don’t rush it and can take the time to focus. I’m so terrified of this whole process - I know they’re going to demand some money back, but how much is the question, and when, and will this ruin my life or not. It’s so scary I just have to put it out of my mind every time I think about it. There’s no way out but through, so next week I just have to be a big brave girl and sit down and tackle it piece by piece until it’s done. I desperately want to get this handled before I leave, but the accounting stuff unfortunately I don’t have a lot of control over.

Period showed up three weeks late all nonchalant like the brunch guest as the check arrives, with a Starbucks in one hand and phone in the other, not understanding why everyone’s annoyed. I wouldn’t mind if it was consistently late - fewer periods is of course better - but I’ve entered the age of inconsistency; for all I know I’ll get another one in two weeks, then another a month after that, and another six weeks after that. Sigh. 

Decorated

We did the Christmas decorating this weekend, and I don’t know if it’s age finally catching up with both of us, post-two time covid infection exhaustion or menopause for me, but it knocked both of us out and I hate to admit it but I didn’t enjoy it at all. I just wanted to be done, but between the tree buying and decorating, light hanging and living room decorating, it pretty much took the entire day, and halfway through I was officially done. I did, however, enjoy that the kids seemed to get a kick out of looking at our old familiar ornaments and hanging them, and that was delightful. I do have some Christmas-loving kids, and I’m here for it. The H badly injured his knee putting lights on the house and has been stressed out and limping around all week, worrying about work and not letting it heal. 

I had an odd weekend of emotional upsets that I’m still not recovered from. Sunday I had a very stressful gig in which we played for a fellow dancer’s memorial service, and there were several people there that I can’t stand who normally I can avoid, but, you know, funerals, where everyone comes out whether you want to see them or not. I just hid backstage when I wasn’t singing, so I couldn’t socialize or really be present, and I felt guilty about that, but I also knew the people I didn’t want to deal with would 100% approach me if I made myself available (one finally just barged backstage “to say hello”). So it was basically four hours of torture. Then - and this sounds petty, but hear me out - the goth festival I’ve been waiting to hear an announcement for suddenly put up next year’s lineup, and…apparently it’s now a lame 80s Top 40 festival, because that’s where the money is. I was, and am, absolutely gutted. I feel like I was enjoying a seance in a cemetery and then some cheerleaders showed up. I posted my dismay on the festival’s group (I wasn’t alone in this), got relentlessly attacked and laughed at until I had to block some guy and leave, and then spent the rest of the night trying to calm the adrenaline surging through my body. Once again, the jocks and cheerleaders ruin everything. 

I also am starting to feel like, as much as I’m enjoying the work and feel like I’m doing something important, doing this podcast is kind of fucking with my mental health. It’s digging up a lot of ugly memories and making me feel like a broken person, which I’m not. I think I’m going to just do a couple more interviews this month - one today, one in a couple of weeks - and give myself a break for the holidays. I need to get some distance from it. Then regroup in January and start up again until I’ve made my way through all the people that wanted to talk to me, which could only be a few more at this point. But since I can schedule episodes for whenever, I definitely have enough to fill up December. Then I may find I’m done with the whole project. We’ll see. 

My period is now nearly three weeks late. I’ve been through this before during this year, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone quite this long. I feel the same sense of uncertainty that I had as a young girl, waiting for it to appear - when will I get it? What if I never get it? What if it stains my clothes and everyone laughs at me (I saw Carrie too many times)? Now I have similar but opppsite questions - when will I get it? What if I never get it again? What if it stains my clothes and everyone laughs at me? I always secretly hope my period will just stop appearing and I won’t have any other symptoms - a friend had this experience - but considering how much my mother suffered and how my sister dealt with hot flashes for years, this scenario is fairly unlikely. So for now I just play the waiting game. My prediction is I will get it sometime in the next couple of weeks, and I’ll continue to have irregular periods for a few more months or a year still. We shall see. Other than rapidly gaining weight and a fair amount of bloating and cramping, I feel fine. Exhausted all the time, but fine. Welcome to life in your 50s. 

Back in the Groove

Two more weeks until winter break! I feel like the time is dragging and flying all at once. We were too exhausted to decorate for Christmas last weekend as I’d planned, so we agreed to wait until tomorrow. It does not feel Christmas-y yet because of this. 

The kids’ new school does not do any kind of holiday program, which is bizarre. I’m so used to kids practicing Christmas carols and having to get together white shirts and red sweaters and things. I have to admit I’m kind of bummed. The only thing I can guess is after covid shutdowns the teachers rebelled and said they’re not doing it anymore. I can’t blame them. I’m sure coordinating all that is a huge pain in the ass. 

Since I *think* the H has finally grasped the concept of not buying the kids mountains of toys they’ll never use, I think we’re on board to have a small Christmas list this year. He wisely traded the kids’ unused Switch for a second used VR, since that’s pretty much the only thing they use now and not fighting over the one we have would be great. I think we’ll just get a few small things and then that’s it. I think this is a good plan. I impulse bought a Lego chess set which I’m kind of regretting now. 

My life has become completely consumed by my podcast work, and I’m not mad at it, except that it’s made me largely forget about any event organizing I should be doing (hiring teachers and musicians, updating the website, advertising - every week these things are in my calendar and every week I push them forward to the next week), and I’ve also pretty much stopped exercising entirely, and it shows. I made a promise to myself to get back to walking at least three times a week starting Monday. The weather is cool, I can always go after picking up kids from school, I have no excuse. BUT I just feel like I’m in this flurry of activity to get as much content going as possible; I’ve announced the podcast’s existence in the two relevant FB groups, so now the pressure is on to consistently produce shows. And I think I can continue to do this through December. However…last night I went back through the threads in which people had expressed interest in being on the show, and realized I’m through about half of them. There is, in fact, a finite number of people who would want to do this; it’s a tiny religion, most people who left don’t feel a need to talk about it because they didn’t have a bad experience, many people aren’t interested in being on podcasts, and those who are just may not be able to find the time. So I have a lot of factors against me. I knew most likely this podcast could only be a “limited series” of twenty or so episodes, but I kind of hoped I could continue for a bit longer. If I run out of people to talk to I can certainly re-edit the current long episodes into more digestible “highlight” versions of a half hour or less; that’ll keep me busy. And I’d still like to explore putting shorts on TikTok in an attempt to get more visibility (my listeners/viewership is still very low). But as of right now, recording, editing, and uploading these long videos takes entire days of my time, often 8-10 hours, which is a lot, and causes me to neglect other things. Still, I think it’s important enough that I feel compelled to push forward. 

Our band didn’t get hired for Knott’s this year, but we still have four other gigs in the next two weeks, most of which involve long, late night drives (Santa Barbara, San Diego, Irvine). We are on for Germany in February which means I’m going to miss Bobby’s send off to Catalina for his 6th grade trip, which sucks. But I think 2024 is the return of international travel for us, and I’m thrilled.