Stayin' Alive

So BO8RT came to one of my gigs this week and began the arduous job of meeting my friends (read: hundreds of dance world acquaintances whose names I can't remember). To his credit, he handled it well. He's seen me in my natural habitat now and can hang. All night I wondered if I could hear the distant call of the shrinking penis. But no. He was only intimidated by my heels.

If he can survive my event, in which I am queen bee presiding over 1,000 people for a few days - then we know he's a keeper.

Theo threw up Wednesday and Bobby threw up today and I started to feel extremely nauseated. What timing, huh? I've been cursing my luck all day, but honestly, it could be worse - it could be next weekend-! Both boys seem to have rallied; they ate a good dinner and have been happily playing, so maybe, just maybe, this is a mild one...? Please?

And I could kill for some egg foo young. BO8RT is bringing me some even though he had Chinese for lunch and even though he's risking catching our lurgy. What a guy, huh?

Two weeks and Six weeks

Two weeks left to my event. If I didn't have to spend this entire week editing a hall of fame video, I would be pretty confident about the amount of work I've accomplished. But that is going to be a huge undertaking, sifting through hundreds of hours of video looking for clips; I'm not even sure the computer that I last used for editing two years ago will even turn on. I start tonight after the kids are asleep. God help me.

BO8RT and I had our romantic date in Malibu. I feel extremely awkward on dates - I never know quite how to behave. I suppose this is why people drink. But we had a lovely time and I could tell he'd really put a lot of thought and planning into it, which was very sweet.

We are coming up on six weeks together this week, which for me is when everything typically falls apart. Physiologically I suppose this is when that first burst of attraction hormones dies down and reality sets in. There is for sure part of me that wonders if there will suddenly be some ugly surprises surfacing now; but that's the risk you take in dating and getting to know people. So far everything is good. One day at a time.

Kinda Sorta

We are entering the phase of the year where every moment is spoken for - all evenings, every school day when normally I could relax (well, as much as you can, looking after a seventeen month old). I still have several big projects to complete, not to mention the day to day fielding of emails and calls and last minute customer service issues and paperwork. It's a lot. I'm glad this only happens one month out of the year because I could not live like this all the time. I am ever so slightly panicked that it will not all get done. Oh well. My fall back position is at least I had the foresight to hire a daytime sitter for the final three days before my event so I'm not trying to entertain children while scrambling to get everything organized like last year (during which I almost lost my mind). And just think - next year Theo will be in school the same days as Bobby, so I will have three weekdays every week to work instead of squeezing work in on weekends and week nights!!! Oh, that's going to be heaven. So the hard stuff is behind me. Or almost.

BO8RT came over last night and worked me. I get NO sleep when he visits - partially for obvious reasons but partially because my tiny, creaky, sunken mattress is absolutely horrible for two people. He also sleeps horribly and then has to go operate heavy machinery all day (literally). Yet another thing you never think of when you're single - mattresses, and the importance therein. If I make decent money this year I *may* push forward with my plans to switch rooms with Bobby. Right now his bedroom is right off the living room so it's impossible to have people over without waking him up; and I want to take the opportunity to do a giant reno on my current room. It needs the filthy old carpet torn out and hardwood put in, the ceiling needs to be re plastered, and the shitty wallpaper liner stripped and walls and trim painted. I can do all that without disturbing him and then just move him (and preferably Theo) into that room and I'll take over his room. Maybe that will be the perfect opportunity to get a big new bed...? And hey, if the man isn't around anymore, still...big new bed!

I have zero reason to think he won't be around. He has yet to say I love you or ask me to be his girlfriend, but he did tell me last night he mentioned me to his sister and said "I kinda sorta have a girlfriend" and I keep telling people I kinda sorta have a boyfriend, so there's that. Personally it doesn't feel real until we're "Facebook official". Hopefully this time if I change my status to being in a relationship with someone, I won't have to sheepishly take it down two weeks later like last time.

This Saturday we're finally doing the "big romantic date" in Malibu we were supposed to do for our second date but I couldn't get a sitter for. I'm hoping he'll ask me to be his girlfriend then. Until then we'll just be kinda sorta.

Dance like nobody's looking

I finally got to tell my sister about the new guy yesterday (she'd been on vacation and then catching up with work for about two weeks). Then last night he took me to meet his "family" - his parents are gone, so oddly enough the Hungarian/German relatives of his first wife have adopted him. Apparently they never see her but he hangs out with them all the time. They were lovely, warm people, and I could tell they had a great deal of affection for him. He told me he never took his ex-girlfriend of six months over there but took me in just a month of dating. Which says a lot about his regard for me and my place in his life.

And that place is huge. He talks a lot about our future - in somewhat guarded tones, because he doesn't want to freak me out - which is both thrilling and scary. Have I felt like I had a future with someone before and had it all fall apart horribly? Yes. Am I cautious now because of that? No. You only live once, you know? I say just go with your feelings, freely and without fear, dance like nobody's looking, and if it doesn't work out, fuck it. At least you had an interesting experience.

In one of my book clubs someone posited the question, would you rather be a 40 year old grandmother or a 40 year old virgin? I went for grandmother. I was quite shocked anyone would choose virgin, but quite a few people did. I think your answer to this question says a lot about your approach to life. 

So what will happen with this guy? Who the hell knows? I feel nothing but good things about him right now, and see a bright future. But I have felt this way about other people before, absolutely. Has he? He says no, that even with his two ex wives he didn't feel the way he does about me. Is he full of shit? I'd like to think not. 

It's funny that the things that trouble me are the little stupid things and not the big things. I have zero concerns about introducing him to the kids at some point, for example. But I am concerned about him potentially living here and where all our shit is going to go and what the hell I'm going to cook for him and am I going to be stuck doing his laundry and being a maid. Those things trouble me a lot because I know what happens when men and women get together - the woman just turns into a free housekeeper. I already have to do the work of three people and that is quite enough, thank you very much. 

These are the things I think about.

For today I am up in the play space with the kids (the best I can manage after three hours' sleep and on this triple-digit day) and then later tonight he's taking me out. I'm just going to take this one day at a time and try not to sweat the small stuff.

I think I can, I think I can...

Today marks just four weeks to my event - slightly less if you factor in that the final week is technically the beginning of my event so less prep time. It's right about now that I get jealous of people who are enjoying the final days of summer, going on fabulous vacations, etc...until I remember how hard they all work the entire rest of the year. I'll shut up now.

My mommy & me friend has bought a house in Maryland - they are officially moving in a few weeks. I'm sad. This is definitely the end of an era for all of us. It also means I have to hustle to make more stay at home mom friends to see us through the kids' remaining at home time (which for Theo is still four long years). 

Spent another great weekend with BO8RT in which he arrived each night after the kids were in bed, kept me up all night (*cough*), and then tiptoed out in the morning so I could spend all day doing kid stuff, only to shower, put on a little lipstick, shave my legs, and do it all again. Oh, he did buy me dinner and take me on a romantic drive into the mountains in between boinking, just in case you were wondering-!

I went to his work. It was fun watching his excitement as he showed me the machinery, the jobs he was currently working on, and how it all worked. I forget that guys do have a boyish quality with this stuff sometimes - they just want to impress you and have you say, "that's great, honey! Good job!" I still kind of suck at positive reinforcement but I will say having two little kids has made me way better at it. 

As you all know (and I'm sure some can relate to) this relationship stuff is completely alien to me. I'm just trying to apply things I've learned from being a parent to being with a man - compromise, be patient, ask "how can we do better?" instead of getting frustrated and shutting down, etc. Not that much of this has really come up yet at this stage in the game other than one instance when he was trying to be helpful last week and I was a total snatch to him and then apologized because it was the right thing to do, even though I felt like being defensive.

But can I do this? Do I have the capacity to juggle a (currently) demanding business, two little kids, and a grown man? Other people seem to be able to pull it off. I think I can. All you can do is try, right?

Go on

My event is a month away. A month. I should probably be losing it about now. But I'm not. It might be because I'm distracted by two small children and a new relationship, or it could be that I've done it seventeen times, have delegated a lot, and am very much on top of it and focused because if I'm not the event will fail, I'll lose the house, and we'll be on the street.

Bobby has moved up to the three-year-old class at school. He has had accidents every day. Good times. 

Theo is walking all of the time now and is so ridiculously cute and cuddly I see why I wanted another baby when Bobby was this age.

Don't worry. I am not thinking of kids with BO8RT. He is "snipped" and I am old. At least we don't have to worry about any oopsies! 

I'm going to visit him at his work tomorrow. He works at (runs?) a print shop that mostly makes car valet cards. He's a blue collar guy - doesn't make much money and works long hours laboring over this complex machinery. He is convinced he will make a lot more money in the future as the business expands. We'll see if he's for real or just a dreamer. Fortunately I didn't expect someone to be highly educated or a professional to be with me (I mean, what the fuck am I? A high school graduate who lucked out with a successful business). He's supported entire families before so I know he can do it. Anyway as long as he's gainfully employed and can pay for the occasional dinner, I'm good!

Details

So, for those of you who missed my last post, BO8RT and I like, totally did it this weekend. I had hopes that having pushed two babies out of my vag would make the first time out after five years not painful. Um...nope. But it's all good.

Friday he came over to "watch a movie". He showed up with a giant, beautiful flower arrangement (awwwwww). The movie (Going Clear) turned out to be corrupted on my dvr so we made out instead. I didn't want him to leave so I asked if he'd stay over if it was ok if we just cuddled. He did and we did.

Honestly - I was a ball of anxiety that day before he came over. I became absolutely obsessed with thoughts of my last "relationship" before I decided to go the Smc route. It was the last time something went from 0-60 like this, the last time someone was so attentive and did and said all the right things...only to have it crash and burn just a few weeks later when I realized this person was a lazy, entitled sociopath who would have sucked the life out of me had I not cut it off at the pass. All I could think about was, is this guy going to be the same? Is he going to be another horrible let down? Or even darker thoughts - is he a rapist? Is he a child molester? What am I getting into???

I sometimes have issues with anxiety. I've mentioned that, right?

Anyway. As soon as I saw his sweet face coming up the stairs I just knew everything would be ok. We talked all night, got no sleep, and then the next day I did kid stuff while he went to work and then he took me to a Chemical Brothers concert where I did not, despite my fears, have a panic attack, and then he stayed over again but it was so freaking late by the time we got home that we both just collapsed in bed and slept. 

But then last night after he worked again and I had a pleasant day at a kid's birthday party on the beach, he came over and we totally did it. And it hurt and I was off my game having not experienced sex with another person in the room since 2010. But that's to be expected, and it was actually a lovely experience despite how anxious I was about it

It kind of reminded me of my first time at the old age of 20. It hurt and was kind of awkward for me but I was with someone I really liked and felt really safe with, so it was ok. That feeling safe thing is very important.

Later he grabbed my hand and told me he adored me. He's a very special guy. He really is.

How did we manage all this with the kids in the house? Well, they slept through everything and he would leave in the morning before they got up. It's far from ideal, but really, what are our options? 

It's fascinating to be with a "real man" who has tons of relationship experiences and is so open about his feelings. I can see how many women would find this off putting - he can be very feminine that way - but luckily for him, I don't. Perhaps being raised on 70s and 80s androgynous rock stars has some benefit after all. 

So, what now? Well, we have yet to really state we're in a relationship but I know that's just around the corner, just like the jettisoning of other daters was. And introducing the kids? No idea. All in due time. No rush.

We have all the time in the world.

This weekend

I believe this weekend's activities can be summed up by the following video:

https://youtu.be/lQlIhraqL7o