What a weekend

It was a WEEKEND. Started off with several shitty, triggering comments left on several of my podcast videos from someone who is clearly in the cult still. Despite having deleted the comments and hidden the channel from him, the comments still show up as the first thing you see when you click on the video. If you click on the comment, it’s not there, but it still comes up right under the video. Apparently this is just how it works. What the actual fuck is the point of being able to delete comments if you can’t actually delete comments??? Also, you can’t block people from seeing your content, either, just make sure any *future* comments don’t get posted. He can continue to view everything I post and keep commenting with no idea that he’s not actually able to. I’m so annoyed and have been really triggered and upset all weekend (especially because the gaslighting bullshit he posted was exactly the type of shit my mother used to say to me).

Then our fridge broke again, after being repaired just a few months ago, and of course, once again, none of us noticed until everything was literally hot. Even though last time I bought thermometers so we’d have more of a heads up this time, of course they got knocked over and pushed to the back because of all the crap in there. We had a frantic run to Home Depot to try to buy a new fridge - having decided we were sick of repairing this one - but then after buying it, got a hold of the repair guy who was able to come by and fix it after all (waiting on a part now), which is still way cheaper than a whole new fridge, and I had to call to cancel the order of the fridge, but the person told me I need to call back tomorrow to “make sure” the cancellation went through, but tomorrow will be too late for a refund, so now I’m worried about that.

In the middle of all this I had to run out and finance a new phone because my rickety old one wouldn’t even charge anymore, and it took over six hours on the phone with TMobile, Apple, and GoDaddy to figure out why my email wasn’t working (apparently I had to clear my cache).

I struggled to remind myself all weekend how grateful I should be for all the nice things in my life, because these things that happened are petty and have solutions and don’t really matter in the scheme of things. As of now most are resolved (except the YouTube issue which will continue to irritate me - I may just turn commenting off in the future). We didn’t have to fork out $2000 for a new fridge that was a step down from the one we currently have, and I have a kick ass new phone which, apart from the extremely irritating loss of a whole day trying to fix the email issue, works great. And paid very little for it, as we were able to use some promos and just stick the cost on my monthly bill. But STILL. 

We watched It’s a Wonderful Life Saturday night, an event we’d been looking forward to with the kids, but for me anyway, it didn’t go as I had hoped. The H promised the kids hot chocolate, not realizing we didn’t have any. So when we stopped the movie in the middle to make some, I hustled myself into the kitchen to make it from scratch, while being annoyed that I had to use things I was saving for other recipes to make it. To be fair, he offered to run out and buy some - I should have taken him up on this - but I figured I make this same recipe all the time for the kids so it shouldn’t be a big deal. But I was so exhausted from having had a late night gig the night before in Santa Barbara that it was a bit of an ordeal, and then to top it off later Theo said it “wasn’t very good”, despite having loved it many times before. Theo just has this way of hurting my feelings the way no one else can. I considered confronting him about how rude this was, but backed down because I’ve just had too much conflict lately and was already feeling shitty over the YouTube stuff and just didn’t want to make things more shitty. In the end, I think the kids were bored by the movie, and honestly after watching George completely go off on his family and make everyone cry, I kind of wished Clarence hadn’t saved him in the river. So George Bailey gets to verbally abuse his whole family, including his wife who clearly is and has always been the only one keeping everything together (renovating an entire house on her own while having four babies in rapid succession), and we’re supposed to be happy when the town comes to bail him out. Pffft. I’d like to see a modern version in which Mary leaves his lame daydreaming ass because she clearly doesn’t need his selfish abusive BS anyway. Now that would be a wonderful life.

Doing Christmas

We “did Christmas” yesterday. It’s one of those processes that kind of sucks when you’re in the middle of it - lots of stress and dealing with dusty picture rails and things falling and pine needles and glitter everywhere - but once it’s done, it’s nice. I order an ornament of our family photos every year, and there are so many of them now that they fill a whole shoebox. This is the beginning of the end of “Christmases with children”. It’s a weird thought.

I wonder what these kids will remember about their childhood Christmases? What presents will stand out, what moments? They probably won’t be the ones we think. For me, I remember best the year I got a tiny portable television after four years of not having a tv at all; the screen was about the size of an iPhone, and it was black and white, and I don’t remember using it much because you could barely get any reception on it (and not long after, we got an actual television). I remember Christmases at my grandmother’s place in rural Connecticut, and in those last years she was alive (she died when I was fifteen), I made the strange habit of waking up on Christmas Day before sunrise, sneaking outside and climbing a tree to take a picture of the sun as it peeked over the horizon. I have no idea where these pictures ended up. 

My kids will probably remember when they got a play station or a VR or an iPhone (some day). Which is normal. I’d love for them to remember all the invisible labor I put into making things magical for them - the big breakfasts, the planning, the candy making, the decorating - but…they’re kids. I certainly don’t remember my mother’s invisible labor; when I was a kid, she existed only as a person to acquire toys for me. The meals, clean clothes, clean toilets all just happened naturally. Right? Our parents don’t really become human until we become adults ourselves. Kids can’t, and perhaps shouldn’t, understand how much work goes into holidays. 

I’ve been giving the whole house a general glow up - mainly in moving pictures around and filling empty wall spaces. I got the kids’ room done (I ordered one more vintage pennant to put on their wall):

I had to find the pictures I took of them for their yearbook for 2020 when they weren’t in school, and print those out. I’m pretty pleased with how their year-by-year photo displays turned out.

I’ve also been rubbing down dirty walls, trim and light switches with a magic eraser, and dusting and rearranging things in general. I’ve ordered a jewelry box to keep my mess of jewelry organized, and will do a cull of my makeup as well. I’m also overdue for a closet clean out. 

The kids have two more weeks of school and then three weeks off - but we’re really only home for about a week before we leave on our AZ/UT trip, for which we all need long johns and snow boots. I’m pretty sure Theo can wear the ones I bought Bobby years ago that we never used, and mine should still fit, but Bobby will need new ones and we all need warm underwear under our clothes. It’s an expensive time of year. 

Thanksgiving in the free world

Another Thanksgiving week has passed, another one full of building ikea furniture, moving stuff around, and spending time in the desert. After I built the boys’ desk while blasting The Smiths all day on Monday, Bobby helped me build the rolling filing cabinet, I built the under-bed boxes, and we went up to ikea once more to get bed slats forgotten earlier in the week, and get some desk organizing items. The next two days were spent sorting and disposing of STUFF. 

Thankfully the H has a coworker with kids who loves our hand me down toys, so a living room full of stuff went to work one day and never came back. By Wednesday I was completely exhausted so took the day to record a podcast and get ready for our desert trip. 

We had a nice Thanksgiving dinner at Spaghetti Western, a campy joint in the Morongo valley, which made me happy as I was able to get a nice small portion of spaghetti rather than having to suffer through heavy, rich Thanksgiving food which I can’t stand. We spent three nights and four days out at our place, finishing up the “shower corral” (getting the water tanks piped and in position will have to wait until another time). We went to a mural unveiling up in Amboy. We used our new pizza oven and made twice as much pizza as any of us could eat, but at least we have a fun dinner option out there now.

The boys played on their VRs outside, but also played in the dirt quite a bit, and we had an epic two hour game of Uno one night. It was too cold to stay out at night in hammocks, so we used the little space heater to warm up the downstairs so we could be comfortable in there after the sun went down.

We came home last night dusty and happy, my mind spinning with all the things I have to get done between now and the end of the year. My event planning is woefully behind, due to not hearing back from some instructors who may have conflicts but don’t know for sure yet. I suddenly have a backlog of podcasts I need to edit and release. And Christmas is upon us - we got home too late to do any decorating, so the tree and lights will have to wait until next weekend. Everyone needs haircuts and new shoes and winter wear for our big trip coming up at the end of the month. I’ve got two out of town gigs in the next two weeks, and no idea what to get anyone for Christmas. We’re doing updated VRs for both kids, and that’s kinda it. We’re finally at the volume of presents we should have been this whole time.

Tomorrow I’m going to make little photo displays of all the boys’ school pictures (they used to be haphazardly displayed in silver frames on their wall - I’m going to give that concept a little glow up) and hang the vintage pennants I bought. I hope they don’t hate it. But I think the room will look a lot less antiseptic with things on the walls. Bobby has really embraced using the desk, which is great. 

Bobby insisted on setting up his vintage style alarm clock to actually work as an alarm, but as I predicted, the immediately hated it. Those old school alarms are no joke. I think your mother coming in and gently calling you to breakfast in a fake Polish accent (for some reason) is a lot less jarring. 

I still have to find a home for all their books (I may bring them out to the desert - it’s the perfect place to read) and the giant garbage bag of stuffies that’s still in the living room. I’m hoping to maybe get them to at least pare them down. Even though I think it’s adorable that they still want them. 

Like many Americans, I’m pretty terrified of what next year will bring, so I’ve distracted myself with aspirational living - let’s say we (or I) do decide to be a full time desert person in my old age. I would still want to escape during the summer. What about enjoying the equivalent but in a place like Maine or Massachusetts or upstate New York? Just a small hunter’s cabin, off grid, preferably on a water front? I spent much of my childhood summers by and in the Finger Lakes or lakes by my summer camp in Maine; what a treat it would be to get to enjoy summers in places like that, again. The older I get, the more I find my thoughts drifting east…am I really just going to stay here forever? When am I going to go home? Maybe there’s a way to have a little of both, and the best of both worlds. 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

We commenced work on the boys’ Final Room (as I’m calling it) this weekend. We’re nowhere near done - the real torture begins today, as I have to go through all of the crap that came out of their room and figure out how to dispose of it all, but we at least got done what I wanted to get done over the weekend - removal of all items, painting, and setting up of beds. The H had to ditch out of a long-planned night out with friends for dinner and a Hannah Gadsby comedy show - but it was worth it as he used that time to set up all the furniture.

One big lesson learned: for the love of god, don’t let your kids put stickers on the furniture or walls. I beg of you. I spent pretty much the entire day painstakingly scraping stickers off of their dresser, only to end up dinging and scratching the wood and pretty much ruining it. Also made big holes in the plaster of the walls where the stickers were. Good times.

We spent probably 5 hours at ikea, as I pretty much expected. It was torture. My feet and legs hurt so badly from all the standing and walking that I still feel it now. I had a plan for what I wanted to get, of course - I’d already made a trip over there some weeks ago - but the H wanted to look at literally everything in the store to make sure we weren’t “missing anything”. As in, I don’t trust your judgment (when, shocker, we always end up going with my plan anyway). This drives me nuts, but I also know men are like this. 

However, being a person of unending patience, we got through it without much conflict other than me having to tell him to stop snapping at the boys (pay attention! You need to be looking for things to put in your room! Why is nobody listening?”) who understandably were bored AF and just wanted to get out of there. 

To be fair, the H is facing a major crisis at work - the motherboard of his printing press is fried again, which means he can’t do any work and has no discernible income for an unknown period of time, and really should have spent the weekend farming out his existing projects to competitors to get them done on time instead of doing this, so he was very stressed out. I get it. 

Here’s some before pics of their disaster of a toddler room:

And here’s what we’ve done so far: beds, new rug, new paint. Next up is setting up their new desk, book shelves, and under bed storage; putting things on the walls and switching out lighting (some things have been ordered and won’t be available until next week).

The main thing is sorting through all The Stuff. I’m hoping this is the last time we have to cull their toys and kid books - they really shouldn’t have toys anymore, being as they never play with anything except their devices (mostly VRs). 

It’s weird to think of them being high school kids and beyond in this space. Of course, Bobby will most likely elect to move up to the attic at some point. Or to the shed, and that’ll be a whole process of making that space livable. But thankfully that’s for another time. 

Goth family photos

To be fair, I had the idea to dress us all in black for our photos this year even before the election, but it felt even more fitting after. I’m pleased with the results. 

Theo asked for a cookbook from his book fair, and I’m determined to have him pick one or two things a week to make and take the time to make them with him. I’m so glad he’s at least interested in cooking; I feel like a total slacker for not empowering these kids with food instruction yet because it’s always just easier for me to do it. Thankfully I’ve been pretty inspired to do complicated cooking projects lately, so this should translate to willingness to work with a kid trying to learn, too.

After many phone calls and complicated app and website set ups, I finally got all my retirement and kid college fund savings contributions automated. I also have a conference call with my tax guy on Monday to make sure everything I’m doing makes sense from a tax perspective. I looked into the costs of higher education - something I have zero understanding of - and it’s not as grim as all that. Sure, if you’re aiming for some top school, room and board in another state, you’re going to be out hundreds of thousands of dollars. But if the kids can stay at home (and why not?) and go to a local university, even something like UCLA will be easily affordable on what I can save in time. It’s the housing that gets you. So that made me feel better. I took a friend to the desert last weekend who says they have $0 saved for their kids’ schooling and don’t plan on saving anything. So I’m not alone in this. At least I can start now, and have six years to save for Bobby and eight for Theo. I’m going to save a little more each month for Bobby so they end up with the same amount. 

Yesterday I began the process of dismantling their haphazard toddler bedroom in anticipation of the switch to a big kid room starting this weekend. I took down all the framed photos I put up when they were three and one - pictures of my grandparents and their grandparents and me; also all their school photos I’ve been lining up on their wall in a crooked desultory manner. I spent all day yesterday repurposing those framed photos into the living room and cleaning and reorganizing the big bookcase. Boy what a dusty mess! It’s still a bit cluttered but at least pared down. Next I need to tackle the big mess of school supplies all over the dining room, which hopefully from now on will be kept in the soon to be new desk in their bedroom. 

Just like last year’s big move to the desert, which was just as exhausting and relentless as I expected, I know this room renovation will also be a huge undertaking (at least this project won’t involve a uhaul truck stuck in soft sand that needs to be pulled out). Also this week should end with a lovely quiet visit to the desert rather than start and end with tons of furniture moving and putting together. 

It’s another season in our house - no more babies and toddlers, no more school-aged kids, now moving into teenager and college kid phase. I’m here for it. 

Futures

This week I chose to focus all my anxiety and angst into something that’s been hanging over my head for ages - my plan, or lack thereof, for retirement and the boys’ college. 

First I tackled my current retirement account, which, according to a guy at JP Morgan, needed a re-allocation. I took this account out twenty years ago - it’s a special small business account which apparently isn’t often offered anymore - and put pretty much nothing into it all the years I struggled just to make ends meet, only contributing in the last few years mostly as a tax shelter. I had to track down the advisor who set it up for me, and after much back and forth managed to set up an online account for it so I could start tracking it. Included in this online account is the answer to the question I’ve had for ages which nobody’s been able to definitively answer - how much do I need to put away each month to have any kind of survivable last quarter of my life? The website has a comprehensive calculator which helped me come up with a plan, one I can live with. But much like paying down my house, I need to get super aggressive about saving. This needs to be my main focus from now on.

The sad part is, the kids’ school funds will have to suffer a little. I just can’t put away as much as I would like for them. But honestly, I feel like I have no choice - I will 100% get old and be unable to work at some point; whether the kids will go to college and/or need any money from me at all is up in the air. In order to grow their accounts the most efficiently, I have to take out 529 accounts, and for those you can only spend the funds on education. So, I’m reluctant to rob myself to pay into these funds that may not even be used (and to be fair, even paying in the amount I had hoped wouldn’t even give them half of what they might need, so it all seems a little hopeless). 

Two things happened that changed everything for me on the issue of saving. One, I had always assumed since my job - the event - isn’t physically taxing and only requires brief spurts of actual work, I thought I could just do it forever. This year changed my mind, however. I don’t want to be trapped into doing this until I’m in my 90s (assuming I’m lucky enough to even have an event for that long!). I don’t actually want to do this forever. It’s insanely stressful and unstable and exhausting. I can barely hack it now, in my 50s - how am I going to keep going twenty years from now? I need an exit ramp. 

The other thing is, with interest rates plummeting, my plan to save money in a high yield savings account no longer makes sense. The returns just aren’t there anymore. So it really is better for me to have these accounts that invest for me and actually grow the money (for the most part). 

I had some pretty massive freak outs this week about how little money I’ve managed to save, how foolish I’ve been, and how I’m going to get stuck paying the price. However, it’s not as grim as all that. If I can continue to make my full income until 70, I can absolutely have a nice nest egg, especially if my social security kicks in and the H’s kicks in (did you know there’s such a thing as survivor benefits to the spouse? I did not). There’s also the option of keeping my event but hiring people to manage it, something I can do as soon as I no longer need to keep every penny. Certainly by the time I’m 70 and the boys are in their thirties, this can start happening. And don’t forget I now have a free house to live in. 

So I feel better that there are solutions on the horizon…but it definitely means no more big expenses. We'll have to get creative with the boys' schooling, too. But we're not rich people; never have been, never will be. We'll figure it out, whether it means two years at a community college and then transferring, or work-study, or scholarships, or me utilizing every extra penny I have to make their school dreams come true and living extremely frugally during their school years. It will be an interesting time in a few years, that's for sure.

Now what?

Well, it’s been a week, almost. Everyone I know, everyone I encounter, is devastated, numb, angry, checked out, etc etc. Everyone is dealing with this horrible loss in different ways. But we’re all scared and feeling betrayed, that’s for sure. 

Since I long ago curated my FB friends, I only got push back on my post from one person who for the last year has made Gaza her whole personality, who wrote a scathing comment on how dare I judge her decision not to vote, then screen shot my post to her page calling me a Nazi and a clown, and unfriended me. Not surprised by that one. You know what I think? I think she feels guilty because she knows she totally fucked up and was just lashing out at me. Whatever. Everyone is lashing out at everyone right now. 

As we were watching the results Tuesday night, when it became clear we were losing, and horribly at that, the H said very flippantly “well, I knew this was going to happen” and started watching stupid videos on his phone. In order to not start screaming at him, I removed myself to the porch and sat in the cold for two hours. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The next day he had tears in his eyes. As much as I didn’t like his initial reaction, I see it now as just self protection in the moment. It feels much less powerless to say “I knew it” than “I can’t believe it”. 

Also? I can’t actually believe it. I’m about 99% sure there was vote tampering in the swing states. I think democrats are too afraid of “sounding like them” to actively pursue this claim, however, which is infuriating. Not underestimating how much racism, sexism, and general shittiness still caused real people to vote for the orange turd - but I would bet $1000 that we actually won this election by a hair but Musk and Putin and whoeverthefuck else rigged it so votes switched or disappeared in some states. Unless someone proves me wrong, this is where I’m at. Which is a terrible place to be, because if we can never have a real election again, we’re more screwed than we already think we are. 

Things have sucked locally, too - there was some kid wearing a maga hat and taunting other kids in Theo’s class on Wednesday (thankfully that’s the only school incident I heard from either kid - hooray for the woke LAUSD system). But I’ve seen way too many people around LA gloating their Trumpism - in particular, one scary incident at my corner gas station in which a guy with a black cloth over his face and tons of Trump regalia was hanging around a little too much when I was filling up. I refused to even look his way; I could just tell he was waiting for me to roll my eyes or show him how disgusted I was so he could start something. Why are you covering your face, motherfucker? It ain’t that cold! 

What can I say? The absolute worst among us have been emboldened to be their worst - the anti-LGBTQ, the racist, the anti-feminist, rule the world now; it’s going to be a very dangerous place for anyone who’s not a straight white Christian male. 

Speaking of straight white males, both the H and I have had conversations about how they need to call out that shit when they see it in person or online, that they need to be the good ones here. For me, personally, the idea of my boys being red pilled by the manosphere scares the living shit out of me. Will our influence be enough to counter the alt right’s ever-expanding grip on young white boys? Will it? 

Anyway. There’s nothing I’m writing here that’s profound or unique. Everyone who hates Trump is feeling all of the same things. My one hope is that most people don’t really care about anything but how much things cost, and that hopefully Trump won’t help that, and, assuming we still have a fair election in 2028, we can kick him (or Vance) out. People love to blame the President for all their problems; I’m pretty sure the orange turd will NOT make life better for the average American and there’s a chance they’ll turn on him like they did in 2020. 

Or, you know, not.

As much as I realize it’s neither practical nor possible for the west coast to secede, boy has that been my go-to fantasy the last few days. America is over - let’s just start our own nation. But, never going to happen. So here we are, tied to government that the vast majority of us doesn’t want and that doesn’t represent our values or interests AT ALL. Cool cool cool.

I refuse to be blasé (oh well, America has always been trash, whatever) nor toxicly positive (everything’s going to be ok!) nor catastrophize (he’s going to tear up the Constitution on day one!). Like most of us, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to survive this. And continue to live my life and run my business with integrity and values whether this country stands for those or not. 

I broke down sobbing in the car taking the kids to school Wednesday morning - Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” came up on my shuffle, and I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I told them I didn’t want to make them scared, but that what just happened was really bad. I think they may think I’m just bummed because a woman lost, and for sure that’s a big part of it for me, personally. But I also don’t want to fill them with despair about their futures - as much as, honestly, they should be filled with despair about their futures.

If I were in my late 30s-early 40s and considering trying to become a single mother by choice right now, that would be a RESOUNDING NO. I’m already feeling guilty that I selfishly brought them into this complete shit show, even though they were both born into the second Obama administration. I kind of envy people my age with no kids who can just try to survive their remaining years - 25, 30? and then peace out of here. If things go the way I most fear - that we’re just trapped in this fascist hell literally forever - all we can do is just try to make it until we can just slide into the void.