Futures

This week I chose to focus all my anxiety and angst into something that’s been hanging over my head for ages - my plan, or lack thereof, for retirement and the boys’ college. 

First I tackled my current retirement account, which, according to a guy at JP Morgan, needed a re-allocation. I took this account out twenty years ago - it’s a special small business account which apparently isn’t often offered anymore - and put pretty much nothing into it all the years I struggled just to make ends meet, only contributing in the last few years mostly as a tax shelter. I had to track down the advisor who set it up for me, and after much back and forth managed to set up an online account for it so I could start tracking it. Included in this online account is the answer to the question I’ve had for ages which nobody’s been able to definitively answer - how much do I need to put away each month to have any kind of survivable last quarter of my life? The website has a comprehensive calculator which helped me come up with a plan, one I can live with. But much like paying down my house, I need to get super aggressive about saving. This needs to be my main focus from now on.

The sad part is, the kids’ school funds will have to suffer a little. I just can’t put away as much as I would like for them. But honestly, I feel like I have no choice - I will 100% get old and be unable to work at some point; whether the kids will go to college and/or need any money from me at all is up in the air. In order to grow their accounts the most efficiently, I have to take out 529 accounts, and for those you can only spend the funds on education. So, I’m reluctant to rob myself to pay into these funds that may not even be used (and to be fair, even paying in the amount I had hoped wouldn’t even give them half of what they might need, so it all seems a little hopeless). 

Two things happened that changed everything for me on the issue of saving. One, I had always assumed since my job - the event - isn’t physically taxing and only requires brief spurts of actual work, I thought I could just do it forever. This year changed my mind, however. I don’t want to be trapped into doing this until I’m in my 90s (assuming I’m lucky enough to even have an event for that long!). I don’t actually want to do this forever. It’s insanely stressful and unstable and exhausting. I can barely hack it now, in my 50s - how am I going to keep going twenty years from now? I need an exit ramp. 

The other thing is, with interest rates plummeting, my plan to save money in a high yield savings account no longer makes sense. The returns just aren’t there anymore. So it really is better for me to have these accounts that invest for me and actually grow the money (for the most part). 

I had some pretty massive freak outs this week about how little money I’ve managed to save, how foolish I’ve been, and how I’m going to get stuck paying the price. However, it’s not as grim as all that. If I can continue to make my full income until 70, I can absolutely have a nice nest egg, especially if my social security kicks in and the H’s kicks in (did you know there’s such a thing as survivor benefits to the spouse? I did not). There’s also the option of keeping my event but hiring people to manage it, something I can do as soon as I no longer need to keep every penny. Certainly by the time I’m 70 and the boys are in their thirties, this can start happening. And don’t forget I now have a free house to live in. 

So I feel better that there are solutions on the horizon…but it definitely means no more big expenses. We'll have to get creative with the boys' schooling, too. But we're not rich people; never have been, never will be. We'll figure it out, whether it means two years at a community college and then transferring, or work-study, or scholarships, or me utilizing every extra penny I have to make their school dreams come true and living extremely frugally during their school years. It will be an interesting time in a few years, that's for sure.

Now what?

Well, it’s been a week, almost. Everyone I know, everyone I encounter, is devastated, numb, angry, checked out, etc etc. Everyone is dealing with this horrible loss in different ways. But we’re all scared and feeling betrayed, that’s for sure. 

Since I long ago curated my FB friends, I only got push back on my post from one person who for the last year has made Gaza her whole personality, who wrote a scathing comment on how dare I judge her decision not to vote, then screen shot my post to her page calling me a Nazi and a clown, and unfriended me. Not surprised by that one. You know what I think? I think she feels guilty because she knows she totally fucked up and was just lashing out at me. Whatever. Everyone is lashing out at everyone right now. 

As we were watching the results Tuesday night, when it became clear we were losing, and horribly at that, the H said very flippantly “well, I knew this was going to happen” and started watching stupid videos on his phone. In order to not start screaming at him, I removed myself to the porch and sat in the cold for two hours. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The next day he had tears in his eyes. As much as I didn’t like his initial reaction, I see it now as just self protection in the moment. It feels much less powerless to say “I knew it” than “I can’t believe it”. 

Also? I can’t actually believe it. I’m about 99% sure there was vote tampering in the swing states. I think democrats are too afraid of “sounding like them” to actively pursue this claim, however, which is infuriating. Not underestimating how much racism, sexism, and general shittiness still caused real people to vote for the orange turd - but I would bet $1000 that we actually won this election by a hair but Musk and Putin and whoeverthefuck else rigged it so votes switched or disappeared in some states. Unless someone proves me wrong, this is where I’m at. Which is a terrible place to be, because if we can never have a real election again, we’re more screwed than we already think we are. 

Things have sucked locally, too - there was some kid wearing a maga hat and taunting other kids in Theo’s class on Wednesday (thankfully that’s the only school incident I heard from either kid - hooray for the woke LAUSD system). But I’ve seen way too many people around LA gloating their Trumpism - in particular, one scary incident at my corner gas station in which a guy with a black cloth over his face and tons of Trump regalia was hanging around a little too much when I was filling up. I refused to even look his way; I could just tell he was waiting for me to roll my eyes or show him how disgusted I was so he could start something. Why are you covering your face, motherfucker? It ain’t that cold! 

What can I say? The absolute worst among us have been emboldened to be their worst - the anti-LGBTQ, the racist, the anti-feminist, rule the world now; it’s going to be a very dangerous place for anyone who’s not a straight white Christian male. 

Speaking of straight white males, both the H and I have had conversations about how they need to call out that shit when they see it in person or online, that they need to be the good ones here. For me, personally, the idea of my boys being red pilled by the manosphere scares the living shit out of me. Will our influence be enough to counter the alt right’s ever-expanding grip on young white boys? Will it? 

Anyway. There’s nothing I’m writing here that’s profound or unique. Everyone who hates Trump is feeling all of the same things. My one hope is that most people don’t really care about anything but how much things cost, and that hopefully Trump won’t help that, and, assuming we still have a fair election in 2028, we can kick him (or Vance) out. People love to blame the President for all their problems; I’m pretty sure the orange turd will NOT make life better for the average American and there’s a chance they’ll turn on him like they did in 2020. 

Or, you know, not.

As much as I realize it’s neither practical nor possible for the west coast to secede, boy has that been my go-to fantasy the last few days. America is over - let’s just start our own nation. But, never going to happen. So here we are, tied to government that the vast majority of us doesn’t want and that doesn’t represent our values or interests AT ALL. Cool cool cool.

I refuse to be blasé (oh well, America has always been trash, whatever) nor toxicly positive (everything’s going to be ok!) nor catastrophize (he’s going to tear up the Constitution on day one!). Like most of us, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to survive this. And continue to live my life and run my business with integrity and values whether this country stands for those or not. 

I broke down sobbing in the car taking the kids to school Wednesday morning - Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” came up on my shuffle, and I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I told them I didn’t want to make them scared, but that what just happened was really bad. I think they may think I’m just bummed because a woman lost, and for sure that’s a big part of it for me, personally. But I also don’t want to fill them with despair about their futures - as much as, honestly, they should be filled with despair about their futures.

If I were in my late 30s-early 40s and considering trying to become a single mother by choice right now, that would be a RESOUNDING NO. I’m already feeling guilty that I selfishly brought them into this complete shit show, even though they were both born into the second Obama administration. I kind of envy people my age with no kids who can just try to survive their remaining years - 25, 30? and then peace out of here. If things go the way I most fear - that we’re just trapped in this fascist hell literally forever - all we can do is just try to make it until we can just slide into the void. 

The day after

Today I put all my rage into a Facebook post. Here it is:

I CANNOT get over how few Democrats showed up this time. What happened to record registrations? Record early voting? Record turnouts? Lines around the block? Was that all just a mirage? Were we just wishful thinking and all these people actually were Trump voters? Did THAT MANY new registered Democrats just NOT VOTE when the time came? Did no one understand how important this election was?!? We could have been done with Trump FOREVER. Now we’re stuck with him - and his ilk - FOREVER. We, and the global community, and the planet, are NEVER going to recover from the damage this ONE ORANGE FUCK are going to cause over the next 4+ years. 

I hope those of you who were too apathetic to vote Harris are happy. I hope those of you who “just couldn’t” vote Harris because of Gaza are proud of yourselves (guess what - Trump is about to make things WAY WORSE for the people of Gaza). We handed the future of the entire world over to this craven rapist racist piece of shit and his cronies because we just didn’t show up, and couldn’t outweigh the ignorance, misogynoir, Xenophobia, and just plain shitty character of the other half of this country. If you don’t see Trump this way, then congratulations. The Russian misinformation campaign has succeeded. I hope you’re not too shocked when the price of eggs doesn’t magically plummet, since that’s all you gave a fuck about (oh, and hating immigrants).

I used to have *some* faith in the goodness of the American people, at least some of us. But now I see that the goodness of some of us will NEVER be enough to outweigh the wave of female internalized misogyny, male misogyny, racism, self-hatred, recent immigrants turning on more recent immigrants, tribalism, colorism, colonization, white supremacy, revulsion of non-cis het people, that has always existed but was enabled, promoted, and celebrated by Trump and his ilk. When I see people in MAGA hats and other stupid paraphernalia (made in China), this is what I see. You’re either proudly, unabashedly all or some of the things above, or you’re just too gullible to double check news sources or don’t care to. You think you’re a proud American? Actually, you are. You clearly enjoy all of the things above, which made this country what it is (if you think this country wasn’t built on slavery, genocide and unpaid female labor, you’d better check your history). You’re the real American, not me. I bow to your superior craven-ness. 

All you women who think Trump is great because past traumas taught you to fawn to play-acting Alphas like him, thinking this rapist will protect you from all the other rapists (he only does this because he doesn’t want the other guy taking his property) - good job with your Trump vote. You just made the lives of every non-white and/or non-cis/het person much, much harder, and more dangerous. But, you don’t care about them, so…yay? And this means gas prices are going to plummet and we can start saying the N word again…right? Only one of those things is true. 

I used to cling to the MLK quote that the arc of the moral universe is long but bends towards justice, but now I’m not so sure. I thought the first Trump regime was *hopefully* a blip, and when Biden was elected we were back to sane politics. Now I see that Obama and Biden and all of the less offensive Republican presidents in recent years were in fact the blip, and Trump is what we are now and have always been. The people have, indeed, spoken. And sadly there are now more of them than us - at least, those who turn up to vote. The Russian disinformation campaigns, the manisphere, the influencers, have all succeeded. All the rest of us can do is just try to survive this. God (or whatever) help us all.

Hallowe’en

Another Halloween on the books. Theo’s costume will rank as the most 2024 thing imaginable - he went as inflatable skibidi toilet, much to the consternation of his brother but the delight of nearly all the other trick or treaters. We initially had a bet going that we would hear the phrase “skibidi toilet” twenty times during our entire night; we got to that number within minutes. We also heard just “toilet”, “toilet man”, “the bathroom”, and “water closet”. Also a couple of teenagers said he “had issues”. Theo, as per usual, was delightfully unperturbed by the naysayers and said it was the best night of his life.

Bobby went as a tuxedo t shirt monkey (his favorite animal) and I joined him as a vaguely wrinkled banana.

And so completes Phase 1 of the holiday trifecta. Today right on schedule I put away all the decorations and costumes. The pumpkins we bought a couple of weeks ago have still gone un-carved - a babysitter is coming Sunday night while we’re at a wedding; she loves craft projects so I may ask if she wants to do this with the boys. Personally, I can’t be buggered. They insist on buying these giant, tough pumpkins that are pretty much impossible to cut into. Last year we gave up after just a couple of cuts. Meh. I would like to roast the seeds, however. 

Today I got a cortisone shot in my big toe in an attempt to help with the never ending pain I’ve had there due to arthritis for the last couple of years. I have no idea if it’ll do anything, but I’m hoping for the best. I only wish it hadn’t been the height of covid when I had frozen shoulder - I could have tried this for that, too, and possibly saved myself a solid year of needless agony. 

As far as What’s Happening Tuesday, I’m trying, and occasionally failing, to remain zen about it. I’ve voted; I’ve done my part. I’m glad it’s sooner rather than later - a whole year of Drumpf anxiety has taken its toll. I just want it over with. Do I think we’ll win? I honestly don’t know. No one does. I still think there’s a chance women will save this election, we’ll take it hands down, and we’ll realize we had nothing to worry about. But also he could be elected, the ramifications of which are too hideous to even consider. I listened to an AOC interview in which she talked about a nation wide abortion ban that got me so worked up I couldn’t sleep. Sadly, last time his administration was just a disorganized mess - this time the Christian Right has figured out how to fully utilize that useful idiot. So it really is horrifying. And it could be days, weeks, months? before we even know the results. This is going to suck.

But hey, at least the Dodgers won the World Series…right?

October desert visit

Just returned from our October desert visit. The weather was absolutely perfect, which made me that much sadder that we weren’t able to go at all the rest of the month. October and April are really prime time out there. 

We listened to game 1 of the World Series on the radio in the car on the way out. I’m not at all a sports fan, but I have to admit, being in east LA just minutes from Dodgers Stadium and having my hometown team (Yankees) vs the Dodgers this year is pretty thrilling, so I’ll be paying attention. I’ll never forget how we listened to the Dodgers World Series win on the radio in the car in an In-N-Out parking lot at the height of covid in 2020.

This weekend was surprisingly productive despite the goal of just being relaxing. We met with a water hauler who gave us lots of good advice on how to set up our gifted tanks, so I think we could be getting that set up in maybe a couple of visits, which would be life changing. In anticipation of that, the H built a shower corral on the side of the container, working all day in the hot sun yesterday. We just need a couple more panels of wood and some finishing touches (hooks, bench, place to hang the shower head) to make it workable. And of course the water. 

We had another lovely night under the stars in hammocks roasting marshmallows and also went to the Palms for a wacky music festival. I just love that place. It really is the desert equivalent of the East Village. We’re starting to be recognized there by the staff which is very gratifying.

Friday we had Theo’s Halloween carnival, for which I made the wise choice this year to donate items rather than volunteer (I still have ptsd from my stint as treasurer at the boys’ old school). It was funny how this time, Theo ran off with his friends while Bobby stuck to me like glue (because he didn’t know anyone there anymore, mostly). I asked him if it was weird to be at his old school, and he said yes. 

This week I’m going full bore into starting up my podcast again, but the takers have been few (I advertised in my FB group but only a couple of people have responded, so I’m guessing it may be a short season). I’ll just see how it goes. 

Now I have the complicated work of putting together my teacher lineup for my event, which I have to say gets more difficult every year. This year I have zoom meetings and consultations involved - it’s a big deal. The puzzle pieces will eventually fall into place, but right now everything is up in the air, and I’m going to have to let some people go, which sucks. 

Spooktacular times coming

We all survived the Vegas wedding. I looked like the late queen of England, and I’m ok with that. The boys were perfectly content with us frisbeeing a pizza at them in between the wedding and reception; we even tossed it in the room while yelling, “pizza!” in a creepy voice and shut the door - but they didn’t even notice because they were both on their VRs. Well, Bobby noticed, only to text us a laugh emoji. I was reminded of my loathing of Las Vegas - I wasn’t exaggerating how much I despise the place, being as it’s all about things that mean nothing to me; gambling, alcohol, and red meat. No thank you. Spent all week recovering, yet again, and have been massively procrastinating on a few event-related projects that I just never have the energy for. Bleh.

Bobby has a community service requirement at this school - five hours per semester - and last night we did half of it. One of my oldest dance friends runs a non-profit to make and distribute burritos to unhoused folks on LA’s skid row. I’ve donated to them from time to time, and always meant to go join in and volunteer, but this requirement finally got me to actually make a plan and go. I was very apprehensive - my general terror of interacting with new people was at an all-time high - but luckily we spent the hours making the burritos and didn’t make it to downtown (gotta be honest - skid row is pretty gnarly). The boys pitched in and did great - it didn’t hurt that the first person we saw was the boys’ babysitter who apparently volunteers every month. It was tiring, but I enjoyed it, and hopefully the boys will get a sense of satisfaction about it even though it’s not as fun as video games. I figure we’ll just do this every couple of months or so; I told another parent in case they were looking for volunteer opportunities for their kid, too. It’s not often I get parenting wins, but I feel like this was one.

Oh, and Bobby got straight A’s this semester so far. So I guess that’s two.

Tomorrow we have a Spooktacular day planned - pumpkin patch in the morning (sadly, the donor sibs couldn’t join us this time, but we’re going to try to get together this December), then costume shopping, then the puppet show (I had asked the boys if they were still interested in going to this, and Bobby immediately said, “YES. HOW IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION.”). Bobby decided he wasn’t too keen on being a plague doctor, so we returned his costume - I think he was weirded out by the bird beak mask (in my opinion, the best part). I hope to find something suitably ridiculous for myself. 

And so begins the Holiday Trifecta. We’ll have a nice night of trick or treating in Eagle Rock as we’ve done the last few years, then for Thanksgiving week we’ll remodel the boys’ room, then at Christmas we’ll go to Utah and hike The Wave (planning and booking this trip is another thing I’ve been grossly procrastinating about). In the meantime I’ve got an event to plan and hiring and firing to do. 

I had my annual checkup, which went well. I don’t know if I started the conversation but we pretty much spent the entire visit talking about menopause (which I’m not in yet). That topic really does take over your whole life when you’re in your fifties. My doctor is not opposed to HRT, nor am I, but I wouldn’t do it unless the symptoms were really unbearable. According to this week’s Science Vs. podcast, although HRT has gotten a bad rap in the past, there still are some risks (breast cancer, heart attacks). It seems like it’s a “how bad is it that you’re willing to accept this small risk”-type situation. How bad, indeed. Only time will tell. For now, these slightly irregular periods, having long outgrown their use, continue to be a nuisance. 

Here we are being volunteer-type people. 

Fear and loathing in LV

Tonight we head out to Las Vegas for friends’ destination wedding. I’ve known the groom since he was a young teenager some 25 years ago, and the bride from a few years after that. 

This whole trip is a bit slap-dash and I’m afraid I’m going to regret how little thought or planning I’ve put into it - other than obsessive-compulsively shopping all week for an outfit and coming up empty. I did get us a hotel room some months ago, but other than that there’s nothing planned or packed. The wedding happens at a chapel and then we drive somewhere else for the reception; we’re going to leave the kids in the hotel room all day, which I don’t feel great about, only to make a pit stop between wedding and reception to throw a pizza in their faces and leave them for a few more hours. We’ll see how all this goes. 

After trying on countless modern and vintage things - the dress code is blingy glitzy Vegas - I admitted failure and instead went with a tried and true 1940s look which is really the only way I know how to dress up. I’m old, and my body is in no shape to wear something clingy and sexy and good for a hot summer wedding. Maybe twenty years ago, but not now. My other similarly aged friend said she’s afraid she’s going to look like a nun compared to everyone else. I definitely feel that. But I’m just going to do the old tactic I developed in junior high when I realized I was too poor to compete with the rich girls and their Benetton and swatches - just don’t even try; do something completely weird and different. So I’ll wear one of my favorite pink 1940s dresses and a fabulous feathered hat and that’ll be that. 

One of the H’s co workers died suddenly last weekend, so he has the funeral today and then we’ll head out later tonight, probably rolling in around midnight if we’re lucky. Then tomorrow’s the long wedding day, then a kid-friendly pool party on Sunday and then we get home. 

For me, now on my third weekend out of town in a row, I am utterly thrashed - yesterday I crashed so hard I canceled my yoga class and just took a two hour nap in the middle of the day. I’d also gotten my flu shot earlier which may have been a contributing factor to my complete exhaustion. But I’m wrecked. All I’ve been able to do for the last three weeks is get home from a trip, do laundry and groceries, pack and unpack and then pack again and head out for the next trip. It’s taking a big toll.

Bobby’s orthodontist says she wants him to start “treatment” early next year - which means braces or Invisalign - before his bite becomes too set. So, that’s happening. Luckily Theo can wait so it doesn’t all happen at once. They have their doctor appointments in a couple of weeks, and I had mine yesterday, scheduled my long overdue first colonoscopy for January. 

And of course the elephant in the room of all this is our big (and possibly final) election looming just three weeks and change away. My confidence has waned quite a bit in the last couple of weeks - we’re at such a stalemate at this point that I now think there’s a good chance that the unthinkable will happen and the Orange one will win. In which case, I say what I said back in 2016, that we’ve proven we’re too stupid for democracy. If people really think the Democrats cause hurricanes and people really believe the Republicans aren’t gunning to remove women’s rights, then I just fucking give up. This is my way of emotionally preparing myself for the worst. I hope I’m wrong, I really do. I filled out and mailed my ballot the day I got it - not that my California vote means much - and got the text that it was recorded and counted. Here we go!