March-ing

Protest, protest, protest. I haven’t given this many people the finger since the No Values punk festival last year.

Protested at SpaceX Saturday and then up in Ventura today. It’s been gratifying - unlike the sad little City Hall protests I went to before people started getting their shit together, these have been really well-attended. I’d say about 90% support from passing cars and 10% idiots giving us the finger which I enthusiastically returned. Fuck them all. I hope their grandmas lose Medicaid and end up on the street. Seriously. I hope every one of them dies in horrible ways. 

In other news, I’m going to have to pack up my protest boots this weekend (darn it) for a desert weekend ostensibly for the H’s birthday tomorrow. I bought us all a tour of the windmills by Palm Springs. And hopefully we can have the water hauler guy come fill our tanks. And a movie I really want to see is playing at the Drive In. So I’m excited about that.

Unfortunately his birthday tomorrow and our trip are a bit darkened for me right now over a fight we got into yesterday. It’s far too boring and stupid to get into, but suffice it to say I feel like he waaaay overreacted to something that shouldn’t have been even a problem, got really snotty and jerky about it, and I’m pretty sure still thinks he’s right even though he apologized. I’ve noticed he does this - apologizes really fast just to end the fight, but we never clarify what happened and I know he just goes off thinking I’m wrong but he’s keeping the peace so whatevs. What happens is it leaves me feeling unsafe, because how do I know when he’s going to get all pissy about the next stupid thing that wasn’t even remotely a problem? So I don’t know when, but I feel like this needs to be addressed. I won’t feel good about it until we talk it out. And I don’t know when that’s going to happen with tomorrow being his birthday and his working non-stop all other times. To be fair, incidents like this are extremely rare - once a year? But still a drag. Sigh. L’enfer, c’est des autres. 

I think we will do a cruise - maybe a shorter, cheaper one, and book interesting non-cruise related excursions ourselves? - since I can’t think of anything else to do for the summer and I know everyone except me will love it. Maybe I’ll just go on the water slide over and over. I haven’t pulled the trigger because of all the financial bullshit going on. It’s very difficult to commit to a big expense like that. But I think we’re going to do it. 

Summer does hang over me like the Sword of Damocles - I went to a summer camp expo on Saturday, but, unsurprisingly, all of the camps were too far away to drive to every day in rush hour traffic, and also prohibitively expensive. I’m torn between a) trying to get Theo and Bobby at the same rec enter camp, with Bobby as a CIT, which will be difficult to pull off for many reasons, b) having just Theo go to rec enter camp which will also be difficult, or c) saying fuck it and having a feral summer. A feral summer wouldn’t be the end of the world - they still have a week of sleepaway camp - but the very idea of spending SEVEN WEEKS with two kids at home in their pyjamas, haranguing them to brush their teeth, playing video games all day every day while I cook and clean up three meals, all at my absolute busiest and most stressful time of the year, makes me want to slowly peel my skin off with a ham key. The reason the rec center camps would be tough is it’s just so hard to get a spot now. Remember what happened last year? Even showing up an hour early to wait in line was about three hours too late; I barely got them the spots I did, after sitting on concrete for three hours. I don’t even know what the CIT program process is like, but I do know it involves an interview to be selected, and he may just not make it. I could handle Bobby at home alone with me all day more than I could handle both of them. But getting Theo a spot at any camp is not guaranteed. Sigh. I hate it. 

February down

I’m turning my thoughts to aspirational living in an attempt to counteract all the doom and terror. Thanks to a very healthy tax refund headed my way (when, who knows, with nobody currently still employed at the IRS), I feel freed up to think about our annual summer trip. To be fair, the refund is only my money I’m getting back after way over-paying estimated taxes in September, but STILL.

I kind of wish now that we were going to the desert for spring break and that I had saved the cheap Hawaii trip for summer, however. In fact I’m almost considering cancelling everything and doing just that. But I thought we’d be doing a Mexican cruise for the summer. I did some research and sent one that looked good to me to the H - and he’s all for it - but he did caution me that the shore excursions are pretty terrible and it’s really best to just stay on the boat and enjoy the lack of crowding while everyone else gets ripped off in tourist traps in town. That made me think. To me the whole point of a cruise is to see new, interesting places - I’ve never been to the west coast Mexican cities. He encouraged me to watch some videos. So I found some for the exact cruise I wanted. And I’ve got to say…it’s not great. The cruise itself looks like Vegas on a boat - everything I’m not interested in - shitty pop music, red meat, alcohol, and throngs of Trump supporters. I’d be totally into the water slides, but…that’s about it. Nothing else about it looked even remotely appealing. Sure enough, the excursions did look like overcrowded tourist traps predicated on tequila tastings and Chinese souvenirs. And if there’s no point in even going ashore…then, fuck it. I’m not spending $1300+ a person to go to Vegas Boat Prison. And unfortunately from California this is our one option. We could always fly to another city and do a Caribbean cruise, but that just adds another $2-3,000 to the overall cost. So I’m kind of soured on the whole idea at the moment. 

I looked into maybe flying to Florida and combining a sister visit with something cool like a liveaboard charter boat to the Keys for some snorkeling (I’ve always wanted to see Dry Tortugas Nat’l Park - although who knows what’ll be happening with the parks system in four months), but again, big time $$. Then I thought of driving to Lake Havasu, just a bit east of our cabin, and doing a houseboat. Again, $$. Then I thought of an international trip somewhere cool like Vietnam…once again, $$. Ok fine, how about camping? I think that’s all I’m left with unless I want to spend $5000-$7000, which I don’t. Hmmm. I’ll think on it. 

I had a consult for my proposed Bowie tattoo - we’ll do it on April 7. It’ll most likely be in the vicinity of my current tattoo and kind of blend them together. I’m beyond excited. 

I’m doing the economic blackout tomorrow (usually I think things like this are pretty stupid, but this one seems to be gaining some traction, and it’s no skin off my nose, so why not), and am protesting the co-president at the Star link headquarters in Long Beach on Saturday, then driving up to Ventura for a protest on Tuesday since nobody in LA could get one together. I sure wish we were all actors getting paid to protest. I could use that check for a houseboat this summer.

Is hatred of the Orange Turd becoming my entire personality?

Is hatred of The Orange Turd becoming my entire personality? I definitely have asked myself this question often, lately. Perhaps it has, at least temporarily. But…how could it not? Things are so extremely dangerous right now - the most dangerous I’ve ever seen them in my lifetime - how can you not be laser focused on what’s happening every day in our skeleton of a government? And then I think of all the damage done and how difficult or impossible it will be to undo…and then the suicidal ideation starts again. And then I just have to distract myself until it passes, and think about The African Queen, when Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn are hopelessly lost on a river and pretty much lay down to die, and then the camera tilts up to show the path they were looking for was just beyond some tall reeds. I may watch that again, actually. I need to be reminded that there is hope on the horizon.

My stance these days, as the horrors and outrages just continue day after day (and, sadly, largely on weekends when we would normally get a break, since that’s when President Elon and his incel army™️ do all their dirty work, when the courts are closed), is that I know this is all hopeless but at least they can never say I went down without a fight. I’ll be kicking and screaming the entire way. I have a highly developed sense of justice and fairness - TikTok tells me this is a feature of autism - which plays back to my earliest memory of being told to go to the principal in preschool for defending a friend who was being bullied, and refusing to go. Not bad for a four-year-old. I can at least know I spoke out, I protested, I showed my anger and outrage. I didn’t just shrug my shoulders and put my head down. Fuck that. 

Yesterday I got three friends to go protest with me, but there was a lot of confusion about where to go and when - I decided to go to city hall at noon, but that was a mistake. Only a couple hundred people were there, whereas the “official” protest was at some random spot in North Hollywood and had thousands. Sigh. I won’t make that mistake again. Still, it was an empowering day, and felt good. We all felt as though we were “doing something”, even though intellectually I understand these protests don’t amount to jack shit, once again, at least I’m showing my outrage while I still can.

In other news, we had a lovely desert visit over the weekend in which we finally made it to the quaint drive-in movie theater I’ve been trying to get us to for years, which was a fun time, and we cleaned out the shipping container and plumbed the two water tanks so we are ready for our first water shipment any time. This means we can start having hot showers and filling the cowboy tub I bought years ago and all sorts of things involving large amounts of water. We go again in three weeks. I have a couple of friend visits planned, too. Can’t wait. I’m just sad that Joshua Tree National Park has been a victim of the Nazi and now will probably be a hot mess for some time. I guess we’ll stick to visiting Amboy and local trails instead. 

Screaming, continued

There is another protest tentatively scheduled for Monday. As such, we’ve shifted our plans to have Valentine’s dinner on the 13th, head out to the desert on Friday (14th), return Sunday, and then go protest on Monday the holiday. Assuming the protest comes together. Which it might not. I ordered two American flags as the theme of the protest is “no kings” and it is damned well time to take back our fucking flag. 

It’s hard to comment on anything else going on due to the severity of what’s happening - yes, there is real life happening; the return of my toe pain (boooo), kids in school, stress about summer plans, tax work, event work, plans for the desert, etc. I think the most non-depressing thing that’s happened is I took the liberty of booking us a trip to The Big Island for spring break. We were supposed to just go to the desert and work on projects, but…those Marriott points and flight points were eating a hole in my pocket. I talked about it with the H, and he said he wants me to have something to look forward to, so I flew into action. Airline miles are terrible now - we used to be able to get to Hawaii even at peak times for 20-30K per flight; now it’s 75 and up. So I got us return flights using points and booked $250 flights going. I got free lodging. The only other costs will be tours, food, and rental car. Again, not as cheap as a week in the desert, but…we need this right now. We haven’t been to the Big Island since probably 2018 or so - the boys don’t even remember it - and I could really use a day on a black sand beach. And they’re old enough now to do the fabulous manta ray tour. Off we go. Counting the days. 

Speaking of costs, I took Bobby to the orthodontist for his appointment in which we were supposed to get the ball rolling on braces…and when we got there they had no record of the appointment. So that ball has been kicked down the road two and a half more months to when they have another opening that’s not during school. That’s fine…right?

Next month we find out if Theo will finally be admitted to the gifted program at his school, and today I submitted the permit to allow him to continue there if he isn’t admitted. My prediction is wait listed again for the gifted program with a possibility for admission at the beginning of school when some kids leave to go to middle schools instead, and approval of the permit. However, there’s always a chance (slim) that he won’t be allowed to continue at this school for the final year. That would be wild! Would he return to Mt Washington? I can’t even imagine that! But I won’t have to because both of those things happening are extremely unlikely. I know enrollment has never really recovered from COVID, so I don’t think kids are being kicked out of schools at this point.

I’ve pretty much just become a political junkie now - there is hardly a time I’m not listening to a podcast or watching a YouTube video or checking in on social media to see if I missed some major development. Things are moving so incredibly fast and are so incredibly urgent that I don’t want to miss anything. Is it unhealthy for me? I’ve asked myself this many times, but so far, I don’t think it’s gotten to the point where I need to unplug. I feel worse and more anxious when I don’t know what’s happening. And I’m still functioning and doing all the things I need to do, including exercising and getting out of the house and cooking good food. Right now we’re at this pinnacle we had to get to sooner or later, where judges are pushing back angrily at the orange turd and Elon’s defiance of court orders. Let’s not forget, judges have big egos, too, have devoted their lives to the rule of law, and don’t take kindly to people (especially unelected randos) flouting said laws and rulings. The question is…will anyone enforce the punishments? Will it just be symbolic fines that mean absolutely nothing to billionaires, and then we’re “even”? It reminds me of the Sopranos episode where the guy changes his mind about selling his lakefront property to Tony Soprano, so Tony sends his goons to park a boat in the water right in front of the house and blast rat pack music incessantly until the non-seller loses his mind. At one point the wife screams at him that they’ll just keep paying the fines, who cares? It means nothing to mobsters. That’s how I feel about these thugs that have taken over and are plundering our government right now. This is some mafia-level bullshit. 

One thing that’s given me comfort lately is a post by someone pointing out that all presidencies start out with shock and awe, in which the newly elected throws everything at the wall in this massive projectile vomit for weeks just to look powerful and make things happen quickly. But eventually, they come up against congress, and the courts. And you need a larger majority to get actual legislation passed than they have now, and things are going to start happening to him, and he’s going to have to actually act like a president and not a spoiled brat knocking over toys. And he can’t and won’t do that. And suddenly he won’t seem so all-powerful and invincible. Personally I still think Elon and his incel army have already wrecked our government beyond repair with whatever secrets they’ve stolen and sold and whatever malware and spyware they’ve installed on literally everything. I don’t know how you come back from that, or any of this, really. Especially when I see all the idiotic cultists in my friends’ comments cheering all this illegal sadistic shit on. They’ll never learn, even if they lose everything because of him. They’ll still love Big Brother even if those gas and egg prices continue to climb. 

Screaming into the void

On a whim, I attended a protest downtown yesterday. The lack of marches or protests this time around has been puzzling me - we’ve known this goon was going to take over since November. Where is the outcry? Last time around there was a massive protest with thousands of people shortly after the election. This time it was almost impossible to get information - and tons of people saying “be careful, I don’t think this is legit” - if I hadn’t dug around and found a Reddit thread, I wouldn’t even have known it was happening. But I put on my “Is he dead yet?” shirt and combat boots and headed down there. 

What I found was a small desultory group, an odd mix of mostly Latino teenagers and pissed off menopausal white women who have free time in the middle of the day. But I was glad to be there. It’s nothing but it’s also something. I’m not just “taking it”. I’m not pretending it’s not happening. I was there, screaming into the void. At least I can say at the end of the United States, I did that much.

January’s over, but…

So the longest month of the year is over, and for some reason I’m relieved just by the symbolic ticking over of the month even though it means nothing. Hope springs eternal, I guess?

I don’t have to tell anyone reading this that the Orange Turd outrages and illegal treasonous activity continues. Once again, I thought the worst would be over by now, but the hits keep coming. It seems people are too stupid to see when he threatens a thing, implements it, and then immediately retracts it, that it’s not a “win” for him. Usually it’s a combination of realizing the thing he did will make him unpopular plus the other side doing something they were doing under Biden anyway and his finding a way to make it look like they’re capitulating when they’re actually not. But then again these are the same people who were stupid enough to vote for him, so there you go. It’s been two plus weeks of non-stop rage and frustration on my part. My only solace is listening to podcasts like Meidas Touch and The Bulwark to hear other, smarter people be equally incensed so I feel less crazy. 

I’m trying to comfort myself with aspirational things, so this weekend I gave our living room a glow up with some new lamps and new framed art by a friend’s kid, changing a 24-year-old setup. I love it and it makes me happy every time I walk in the room. 

I’m also plotting to have the pool re-done since it’s completely falling apart after 20 years and might endanger the house if I don’t deal with the problems soon. I don’t really have the money, but as usual I’ll find it. Bonus, we get a nice cleaned up pool. Very much looking forward to that, since it’s been practically non-functional the last couple of years.

I opened my contests on Saturday night and it went well - a couple of technical glitches that were my fault, but ones hardly anyone noticed and that were easily fixed. It felt less insane than last year - way fewer panicked emails - probably because I expanded most of the more popular contests with the additional day. So at least on my end the extra day plan is already making things better. And as of now I have exactly the same number of people coming as this time last year. I always want more, of course, but this year? I’ll take what I can get. The fear of being spun into a global economic depression by one narcissist in charge haunts me always. There’s plenty of time before September for lots of damage to be done. 

Colonoscopy biopsy came back clear, no cancer. It’s such a relief to know that, at least right now, colon cancer is not in the cards for me. Maybe I’ll escape that family curse yet.

I’m thinking ahead to spring break and also summer plans for the kids. As I’ve talked about a lot here, now that Bobby is aged out of the parks and rec summer camps, I’m at a bit of a loss. He did express interest in the CIT program, and I may still try for that, but apparently you have to interview, so he may not get selected. Also with how insane these camp signups are now, Theo may not get in, either. I just don’t know. I feel like we could very well just have a nice summer at home - I would love to not have to get up early, and the kids can be left at home now when I need to go out and do things. My only issue with this is a) I know they would just spend the entire summer on screens, b) I don’t want to be making lunch every day and hustling them through dressing/tooth brushing etc, especially when I really really need to focus and work, and c) the prospect of not having a minute to myself all summer kind of makes me want to cry. There are so many specialty camps for kids, but they’re SO EXPENSIVE. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford $1200+ a week for two kids to go to camp and build robots for a few hours (and that’s on the cheap end). I signed up for a summer camp expo just to get some ideas. I know I’ll figure it out - but it’s stressful.

I was going to have us just spend part of spring break in the desert working on projects - but part of me wants to say fuck it and go to Hawaii. I have enough points for free lodging and one way flights, so I’d just have to pay one way (about $1000 for me and the kids), plus a rental car, pet sitting, and airport parking. It all adds up, I know this. So obviously spending a few days in the desert for free is the cheap option, and useful as we have some big things to accomplish out there that take more than a day (setting up water tanks, drainage for the kitchen sink, solar). But man oh man would an escape to paradise feel absolutely amazing. I’ll see how I feel about it. That trip can always be moved to the summer, too. We’ll see. 

Colonoscopies - real and metaphorical

Today I had my first colonoscopy, which I really should have done years ago after my aunt died of colon cancer, my cousin (then in his 20s) discovered it and had part of his colon removed, plus our grandfather having died of it in the 80s. But, better late than never, right?

I had a lot of fear and anticipation going into it, partially the fear of “finding something” of course, but mostly of the prep part which everyone who’s been through it volunteered to tell me how horrible it was. So under Kaiser, as much as five days ahead of the procedure you have to stop eating any high fiber foods or foods with seeds or peels - basically, all fruit and vegetables, beans, legumes, seeds, and nuts, which pretty much constitutes my entire diet. Then the day before it’s liquids only (the gnarliest fast I’ve ever done), plus force-consuming four miserable liters of prep liquid. So it was basically a multi-day torture session. But I did it, and went into the hospital, and they poked and prodded me endlessly to find my non-existent veins, they gave me the medicine, the room became a tin can, and I woke up in another room after having dreamed about some friends that lost their house in the fires. 

I allowed myself to eat multiple donuts today in celebration of having gotten past this Big Scary Thing, which was probably a mistake. The results? One small-ish polyp to be sent for a biopsy. I’m not overly concerned. The size/type apparently rarely turn out to be cancerous. I had hoped someone would comment on my pristine 40-years-with-no-red-meat colon, but no such compliments were offered. Ha!

I’ve mostly been lying in bed watching Korean dating shows and eating donuts (stopping only to make the kids dinner and make sure they do homework and fold their laundry) under the guise of “recovering”, but really, I felt completely normal about an hour after the procedure. However, I can see why they don’t want you driving home. Hoo boy. 

So with having croaked my way through two nights of singing with the orchestra (still congested and coughing, five weeks later-!), introducing myself back into society after self-isolating for a month, and now having survived the colonoscopy, most of the things giving me massive anxiety are now behind me. No pun intended.

But of course the metaphorical colonoscopy continues in the form of this treasonous illegal regime headed by a con man and felon (and, apparently, Nazi side kicks). I had hoped that the “shock and awe” portion would have been mostly last week, but of course the daily outrages continue. We really are watching the American Experiment die in real time. Everyone I talked to at the dance event was in horror of it all; that and the fires was on everyone’s mind. Not much more to say about that except yup, it’s everything I had feared and yet more. Eighty years of fighting for equality and fighting against fascism wiped out in one week. Un fucking real.