Well, it’s been a week, almost. Everyone I know, everyone I encounter, is devastated, numb, angry, checked out, etc etc. Everyone is dealing with this horrible loss in different ways. But we’re all scared and feeling betrayed, that’s for sure.
Since I long ago curated my FB friends, I only got push back on my post from one person who for the last year has made Gaza her whole personality, who wrote a scathing comment on how dare I judge her decision not to vote, then screen shot my post to her page calling me a Nazi and a clown, and unfriended me. Not surprised by that one. You know what I think? I think she feels guilty because she knows she totally fucked up and was just lashing out at me. Whatever. Everyone is lashing out at everyone right now.
As we were watching the results Tuesday night, when it became clear we were losing, and horribly at that, the H said very flippantly “well, I knew this was going to happen” and started watching stupid videos on his phone. In order to not start screaming at him, I removed myself to the porch and sat in the cold for two hours. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The next day he had tears in his eyes. As much as I didn’t like his initial reaction, I see it now as just self protection in the moment. It feels much less powerless to say “I knew it” than “I can’t believe it”.
Also? I can’t actually believe it. I’m about 99% sure there was vote tampering in the swing states. I think democrats are too afraid of “sounding like them” to actively pursue this claim, however, which is infuriating. Not underestimating how much racism, sexism, and general shittiness still caused real people to vote for the orange turd - but I would bet $1000 that we actually won this election by a hair but Musk and Putin and whoeverthefuck else rigged it so votes switched or disappeared in some states. Unless someone proves me wrong, this is where I’m at. Which is a terrible place to be, because if we can never have a real election again, we’re more screwed than we already think we are.
Things have sucked locally, too - there was some kid wearing a maga hat and taunting other kids in Theo’s class on Wednesday (thankfully that’s the only school incident I heard from either kid - hooray for the woke LAUSD system). But I’ve seen way too many people around LA gloating their Trumpism - in particular, one scary incident at my corner gas station in which a guy with a black cloth over his face and tons of Trump regalia was hanging around a little too much when I was filling up. I refused to even look his way; I could just tell he was waiting for me to roll my eyes or show him how disgusted I was so he could start something. Why are you covering your face, motherfucker? It ain’t that cold!
What can I say? The absolute worst among us have been emboldened to be their worst - the anti-LGBTQ, the racist, the anti-feminist, rule the world now; it’s going to be a very dangerous place for anyone who’s not a straight white Christian male.
Speaking of straight white males, both the H and I have had conversations about how they need to call out that shit when they see it in person or online, that they need to be the good ones here. For me, personally, the idea of my boys being red pilled by the manosphere scares the living shit out of me. Will our influence be enough to counter the alt right’s ever-expanding grip on young white boys? Will it?
Anyway. There’s nothing I’m writing here that’s profound or unique. Everyone who hates Trump is feeling all of the same things. My one hope is that most people don’t really care about anything but how much things cost, and that hopefully Trump won’t help that, and, assuming we still have a fair election in 2028, we can kick him (or Vance) out. People love to blame the President for all their problems; I’m pretty sure the orange turd will NOT make life better for the average American and there’s a chance they’ll turn on him like they did in 2020.
Or, you know, not.
As much as I realize it’s neither practical nor possible for the west coast to secede, boy has that been my go-to fantasy the last few days. America is over - let’s just start our own nation. But, never going to happen. So here we are, tied to government that the vast majority of us doesn’t want and that doesn’t represent our values or interests AT ALL. Cool cool cool.
I refuse to be blasé (oh well, America has always been trash, whatever) nor toxicly positive (everything’s going to be ok!) nor catastrophize (he’s going to tear up the Constitution on day one!). Like most of us, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to survive this. And continue to live my life and run my business with integrity and values whether this country stands for those or not.
I broke down sobbing in the car taking the kids to school Wednesday morning - Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole” came up on my shuffle, and I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I told them I didn’t want to make them scared, but that what just happened was really bad. I think they may think I’m just bummed because a woman lost, and for sure that’s a big part of it for me, personally. But I also don’t want to fill them with despair about their futures - as much as, honestly, they should be filled with despair about their futures.
If I were in my late 30s-early 40s and considering trying to become a single mother by choice right now, that would be a RESOUNDING NO. I’m already feeling guilty that I selfishly brought them into this complete shit show, even though they were both born into the second Obama administration. I kind of envy people my age with no kids who can just try to survive their remaining years - 25, 30? and then peace out of here. If things go the way I most fear - that we’re just trapped in this fascist hell literally forever - all we can do is just try to make it until we can just slide into the void.