Fear and loathing in LV

Tonight we head out to Las Vegas for friends’ destination wedding. I’ve known the groom since he was a young teenager some 25 years ago, and the bride from a few years after that. 

This whole trip is a bit slap-dash and I’m afraid I’m going to regret how little thought or planning I’ve put into it - other than obsessive-compulsively shopping all week for an outfit and coming up empty. I did get us a hotel room some months ago, but other than that there’s nothing planned or packed. The wedding happens at a chapel and then we drive somewhere else for the reception; we’re going to leave the kids in the hotel room all day, which I don’t feel great about, only to make a pit stop between wedding and reception to throw a pizza in their faces and leave them for a few more hours. We’ll see how all this goes. 

After trying on countless modern and vintage things - the dress code is blingy glitzy Vegas - I admitted failure and instead went with a tried and true 1940s look which is really the only way I know how to dress up. I’m old, and my body is in no shape to wear something clingy and sexy and good for a hot summer wedding. Maybe twenty years ago, but not now. My other similarly aged friend said she’s afraid she’s going to look like a nun compared to everyone else. I definitely feel that. But I’m just going to do the old tactic I developed in junior high when I realized I was too poor to compete with the rich girls and their Benetton and swatches - just don’t even try; do something completely weird and different. So I’ll wear one of my favorite pink 1940s dresses and a fabulous feathered hat and that’ll be that. 

One of the H’s co workers died suddenly last weekend, so he has the funeral today and then we’ll head out later tonight, probably rolling in around midnight if we’re lucky. Then tomorrow’s the long wedding day, then a kid-friendly pool party on Sunday and then we get home. 

For me, now on my third weekend out of town in a row, I am utterly thrashed - yesterday I crashed so hard I canceled my yoga class and just took a two hour nap in the middle of the day. I’d also gotten my flu shot earlier which may have been a contributing factor to my complete exhaustion. But I’m wrecked. All I’ve been able to do for the last three weeks is get home from a trip, do laundry and groceries, pack and unpack and then pack again and head out for the next trip. It’s taking a big toll.

Bobby’s orthodontist says she wants him to start “treatment” early next year - which means braces or Invisalign - before his bite becomes too set. So, that’s happening. Luckily Theo can wait so it doesn’t all happen at once. They have their doctor appointments in a couple of weeks, and I had mine yesterday, scheduled my long overdue first colonoscopy for January. 

And of course the elephant in the room of all this is our big (and possibly final) election looming just three weeks and change away. My confidence has waned quite a bit in the last couple of weeks - we’re at such a stalemate at this point that I now think there’s a good chance that the unthinkable will happen and the Orange one will win. In which case, I say what I said back in 2016, that we’ve proven we’re too stupid for democracy. If people really think the Democrats cause hurricanes and people really believe the Republicans aren’t gunning to remove women’s rights, then I just fucking give up. This is my way of emotionally preparing myself for the worst. I hope I’m wrong, I really do. I filled out and mailed my ballot the day I got it - not that my California vote means much - and got the text that it was recorded and counted. Here we go!

Spooky season

I love how Halloween is no longer just a day but a whole season. Yesterday on the 1st I did my annual Halloween decorating, just bought Bobby’s costume (plague doctor), and am planning on volunteering for Theo’s fall festival at the end of the month. If it weren’t nearly 100° today and for the whole next week, it would almost feel like fall.

I’m one third of the way through my trifecta of weekend trips - survived Chicago last weekend, now on to Eureka, CA on Friday and then a destination wedding in Vegas the weekend after. I’m slowly starting to engage in household projects - today I sifted through a giant tub of 20 year old tax stuff, throwing away most of it but shredding anything with sensitive information. Next week I’d like to start moving some of the family pictures out of the boys’ room (I don’t know if my soon-to-be teenagers necessarily need photos of their great-grandparents hanging on their walls - that seems like a powder room thing) in preparation for their big room transformation, and framing some art that’s been sitting around, some to take to the desert (prints) and some to hang here (originals). There are so many house projects - once again, every room, closet and drawer in this house needs a complete clean out and overhaul - but I’m just going to tackle one small thing at a time. These are the kinds of things my brain has room for once my event is over.

Yesterday marked the first 1st of the month that I haven’t had a mortgage payment. The silence on my bank account transactions was deafening. I also added the boys to my payroll as a way to save on taxes and put money away for school, as recommended by my accountant, so that process has at long last begun. 

In a strange turn of events, about 10 days after I got an email from KIA USA about my car now having a “case” opened about the battery issue, and not hearing anything during that time, I suddenly got a call from the dealer that my car had been fixed and was ready for pick up. Umm, what? So yeah. Got my car, turned in the loaner (they were unphased by the broken lock, thank god), and after nearly three months, it was all over. Weird! So a big exhale there - hopefully I can just drive this car into the ground and live payment-free for at least a few more years. 

How it went

On Wednesday, once the money from savings landed in my main account, I set about to do a wire transfer to the mortgage company…only to discover there was a limit on how much could be sent in one day, which would mean I would have to send wires over five days, which meant I would be past the date of the payoff quote amount. I decided to mail a cashier’s check instead. I had a lot of misgivings about sending a check of that magnitude off in the mail - I figured I’d send it FedEx with every insurance/signature required/return receipt protection possible, BUT STILL. When I asked for the check at the bank, the teller looked skeptical and said, “wouldn’t you rather do this by wire?” Apparently if you go to a bank they don’t have the same daily limits. Phew! So there was a lot of verifying of identity and signing of papers and double checking of information, and then it was done, all in just a few minutes. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “this is what rich people get to experience all the time.” Paying off debts. Freedom. Transferring large amounts of money like you’re buying a latte. No big whoop. For the first time since I was probably nineteen, I am completely debt free.

This won’t last, of course. Odds are I will need to dip into this house’s equity again someday, whether it be to support me in retirement, pay boys’ school or housing or business start up costs, whatever. But I can enjoy having a “free” place to live for the time being.

Then, of course, there’s the car situation. For nearly three months now, my car has malingered at the Kia dealer, and as of now there is no end in sight as far as when or if it can be fixed. Over a week ago a “case” was opened for me by Kia USA and they said I would be contacted; as of today I’ve heard nothing. So I have no idea if the car can be fixed, or if they’ll just offer me some low buy out of my now useless car, or if they’ll put me in a new(er) Kia. If all of this involves having to get a new car, I’m a bit torn. I hate that this is happening right as I have no money for a down payment to keep a payment relatively low; but I also don’t want to settle for some shitty used car that I never would have chosen for myself under different circumstances. I would like 4WD for desert purposes, but I don’t know if I’m willing to give up the Niro’s spectacular gas mileage for something I’ll rarely, if ever, use. I had hoped to jump over to Subaru next, but they only offer a hybrid in the Forester which is just too much car for me. And expensive. Sigh. The uncertainty of all of this is really getting to me. I’ve not been bothering to contact Kia USA myself because the next three weeks are impossible - I leave Wednesday for Chicago; then the following Friday for northern CA for a jazz festival, then the following Friday for a wedding in Vegas. I have zero time to do any real research or work on this, and I’m only home a handful of weekdays and no weekends for three more weeks. I’m completely overwhelmed and just want my car back so I can drive a free car for the next 5-7 years. But that’s the least likely scenario. Most likely I’ll be out my car and be stuck with a $500-$700 car payment. Ugh!

Add into this stress, the fact that Theo has a diorama to be made by Friday that we haven’t even started, and I leave Wednesday morning. The H and I both freaked out about this this morning and I spent all day and $60 at a craft store buying supplies; now we just have to build everything (thankfully I did have Theo fill out the 12 3x5 cards for his presentation about it, so we know what things need to be depicted). Can I just say how much I despise these projects? Last time - 3rd grade? - Theo’s teacher, bless her soul, had the kids make them in class so the parents couldn’t take over. He didn’t do particularly well, but at least it was an even playing field. When the kids have to work on them at home, it only means one thing - the parents end up doing it. I’m expecting to spend pretty much all of my remaining time this week working on this, and I hate it so much. I so hope this is the last one we ever have to do.  

In other news, Bobby is doing well in school - all As and Bs, apparently - and I’ve set up a plan for a “big boy bedroom” that I figure we’ll implement over Thanksgiving week, a week for which we had no plans anyway. It’s going to involve stripping everything out of there, getting rid of tons of stuff, painting, installing new light fixtures, and all new furniture. It’s going to be a huge job that will probably take about 4 days and cost about $2000. It’s a huge change - the biggest since I first had them move into that room together at 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. And most likely this will be the last configuration of that room until they’re adults. When they’re gone, it’s going to be my fabulous vintage dressing room. 

Milestone accomplished (almost)

After a week of wringing my hands, the house payoff quote finally arrived yesterday, and hurrah, it is exactly my balance. I immediately initiated a large transfer from my savings to checking, which will take a couple of days, and then I set up a bank transfer on probably Thursday, and then it’s done. I am officially mortgage free. 

I had a conversation with the one friend I trust with this information, and it was interesting the difference in perspective. Having no children, she sees her paid off house as hers to do with as she wishes; she imagines at some point she’ll sell it and downsize to a condo or apartment and live off the profit. Having kids, I see this house as theirs, and something I want to leave behind intact, not with money still owing or sold for me to live off in my final years. She pointed out that if I do manage to live into my 90s, these “kids” will be middle aged men with their own homes and careers; they shouldn’t *need* a house to be left to them. I tend to forget this - having come from a long line of poor people who left nothing behind (no money, no property), I tend to want to “do better” for these kids. But is anyone entitled to an inheritance? Not really. You need the money when you’re young and starting out, not when you’re in your 40s or 50s (hopefully). I have life insurance for them, and depending on when I kick off maybe some leftover money. Maybe I need to shift my perspective. That’s not to say it’s bad to try to keep this place mortgage free and to not use it as an ATM, but maybe give myself the grace to do that if it becomes necessary. 

So I have (or will have, within days) accomplished one of my greatest goals, which is to pay off the house I wisely bought at 29 in 2001, at the age of 52, while my kids are still young. And now that extra money can go to their school funds, and my retirement. And maybe an international trip or two, to boot.

Last weekend we did a quick desert trip to open the place up after being shut down for nearly four months. As with last year, the spiders and scorpions had taken over, but only the ground floor, and they were all dead. It didn’t take much to dust the place off and make it inhabitable again. It’s easy to forget that at this time last year we still didn’t have stairs or an overhang or any furniture in the place. We had a lovely night under the stars in the hammocks - it was too warm, even, for a campfire - and the next day got on the road before the mid-90s temperatures crept in. We won’t be able to get out there again until the end of October, which bums me out more than you can imagine. I can’t wait until the kids are more self-sufficient and I can sneak off to the place by myself in the middle of the week. 

Heat wave

Our week long wicked heat wave has finally come to an end, and temperatures are headed to the low 70s by next week. It’s symbolic for me - event is over, summer is over, moving on to the new phase. 

I had wanted to spend the weekend at the cabin last weekend but knew temperatures may not allow it; I was correct, it was 104°. But we did have tickets to Polyphonic Spree at Pappy & Harriet’s in Pioneertown, so we opted to just drive out for the night. I had a lot of misgivings about the whole plan - keeping the kids out late, at a bar, in the heat, to see a band I barely know and they don’t know at all? It was looking like a “better in concept” situation for a minute. But thankfully it all worked out. The last time we tried to go to Pappy & Harriet’s was during the pandemic when everything was sort of half-open and disheveled; this time it was a really good experience, with good food and cool people. We even got to sit in a booth and watch the band, so Theo could lie down and I didn’t have to stand. And the band, in that tiny space, was fantastic. They always have stellar music there. I looked at the H and said when the kids are graduated from school we seriously need to just move out there and go to concerts and enjoy our lives. I was half kidding. 

I’m pleased to report so far, a month into the new school year, both kids are doing great. As you know I had concerns about Bobby just because of all the changes, but so far he seems to be managing his time and doing his work with minimal complaint, as is Theo. The library pickups have worked out great, and that’s been a huge relief. 

Right now I’m anxiously awaiting my house pay off quote - I made the mistake of googling the topic today and found that in most cases the pay off price will be more than your posted balance. However, it doesn’t look like much more - maybe $3000? So I shouldn’t be in for any huge surprises, but again, I just don’t know. And I don’t know when exactly this quote will arrive in the mail. I may not get it until next week some time. Getting all of that squared away and paid and recorded will be amazing. I don’t feel I can really exhale until that happens.

Speaking of exhaling, I was also able to exhale a bit after last night’s presidential debate, which I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety about. The H came home early to watch with me and then we watched hours of analysis after. I’m glad to be with someone who’s on the same page about this stuff as me - and who has the same level of interest. While I was kind of hoping the orange turd would drop dead on live TV, short of that, I’ll take what we got, which was him looking ridiculous and on the defensive and Kamala being fierce and controlled. Will this win us the election? I don’t know - my certainty in that department has been waning lately - but I know it didn’t hurt us. Two more months. God (that I don’t believe in) help us all.

A week out (nearly)

The event is officially over when all the boxes are put away in the shed, and that finally happened today. With the closing and locking of the shed door, it is now time to look forward.

I still have a few payments to make due to vendors lagging in sending invoices, but it’s a small and manageable amount, so I’m finally able to do some real calculations and determine that yes, in fact, I can pay off my house this month. I submitted a request for a payoff quote which should arrive in about a week, and then it’ll happen. Money will be tight after until I release contest registration in February - I may have to dip into my loan - but I will be mortgage-free, hopefully forever if I play my cards right. Unless there’s some ugly surprise like a pre-payment penalty or something like that, I should be able to do it. This is significant also in that it officially marks the end of my New Orleans debt from when I bought a four plex in 2005 that got wiped out by Katrina; most of what I’m paying now is not my original loan but the $250,000 in debt I piled on to this house from that mess. Hey, it only took nineteen years. 

In a shocking decision, the hotel agreed to pay all of my overages from their double booking error; I never would have expected that, and I am extremely grateful. Maybe they’re not so keen to get rid of me after all. 

I still have some loose ends to tie up next week but mostly I’m done. The project I want to focus on now is upgrading the boys’ room. It’s pretty embarrassing that I have an almost 13-year-old in a room that still has toddler-sized furniture in it; their room has always been a hot mess, with junk everywhere and scrapes on the walls and posters barely held up with scotch tape. It really needs a complete overhaul, with new paint and a desk and new beds. They say they want twin beds rather than a bunk bed, so we’ll figure out how to make that work; they also need a desk somewhere. Bobby has not asked about sleeping up in the attic, so hopefully that idea is on the back burner. I don’t know when or how we’re going to do all of this, but I plan to get it done before the end of the year. It’s weird to think this new bedroom setup could be their final one in this house, and that in as little as six years Bobby could be on his own. My how the time flies!

The After Times

It’s the day I always dream of - the day after my event, with a house full of boxes and laundry and an empty refrigerator. It’s over, and we survived, and everything went, and the customers are happy. 

To be honest I’m feeling meh about everything, and I don’t think it’s just the exhaustion talking. The event did have an abnormally high number of stressors this year - tons of flakiness with judges, teachers, and competitors, having to make way for celebrity visitors which stresses me out, the hotel once again dropping the ball on air conditioning, water, parking, and internet connections, a person freaking out because someone else was wearing a pro-Palestine t shirt, having to kick out two creepers who both threatened lawsuits (one already had a lawyer contact me), a friend using my event as leverage to call out another event and now that event is all angry, a teacher phoning in the morning of that they weren’t going to make it, my main teachers/competitors having a severe brain injury and barely making it through the weekend, an old friend’s girlfriend talking shit and having to confront them about it, etc etc etc. It’s all just so, so exhausting. 

Every organizer I’ve talked to lately has expressed a severe level of burnout, and I’m no different. My mind can’t help but wander to thinking about how great it would be to just not have to do this anymore - to just say fuck it and wander off into the desert and make macrame plant holders. This year I really felt my age - I didn’t dance at all, and for the first time ever didn’t come down and socialize late night Sunday. I had to buy an emergency pair of shoes because the heels I brought hurt my arthritic toe too much, and despite babying my voice all weekend it was still very difficult and extremely stressful trying to sing at half my usual capacity. For the first time I had to seriously ask myself…how much longer can I realistically do this? Will I really make it another twenty years? 

It’s fair to say there was little to no joy in it - it was just something I had to suffer through and survive. It’s always been this way, but somehow this year was especially mentally draining. Must one enjoy one’s occupation? Is that too much to ask? Perhaps. I do take pride in it, and it is meaningful to me, but boy is it all a royal pain in the ass. I feel like every year we just barely pull it off. 

The real question is the money, and I have no answers yet and probably won’t for at least another couple of weeks. So many of my payments to people are still pending, I don’t know what my actual costs are going to be, and I’m still waiting on the money Stripe is holding hostage for another week. Pre-sales for next year went well. But I made less money during the weekend by a few thousand dollars, and a lot less cash. I wish I knew right now if I’ll be able to pay off my house by October - that would be a huge boost to my spirits - but I just don’t know yet. Too many variables that could swing things too many thousands of dollars either way. 

A few days before the event I was driving home from the Y and was thinking about all the chaotic last minute customer service emails and work I still had to do, and I glanced over at a cemetery on the right side of the road and thought, “that looks so relaxing.” I laughed. But my brain had a good point. 

In other news, in my usual frenzy to fill the school break vacuum with something fun, on a whim I submitted an application for a permit to hike The Wave in Arizona, one of these rare bucket list items that apparently only 8% of lottery applicants get selected for. Well, guess what? We got a permit for Dec 30th. So it looks like an Arizona Christmas for us! Now I have to plan an inexpensive road trip around The Wave and figure out how that all works. Adventures await.