Sunday, June 26, 2016

When there are grey skies

We scattered my uncle's ashes in the Atlantic yesterday, five years after his wife's were scattered there. My sister, two cousins, one cousin's girlfriend, her mother, and my sister's step mother all piled into two rowboats and each said something about him and scattered his ash in the water. 

I chose to sing the sweet sentimental song "Sonny Boy" that I sing to the boys, which got the tears flowing. I felt like the two sons - my cousins - were in that moment in need of a little push to emotion. We were all kind of doing that Brit thing of covering our emotions with humor. It's hard but I'm trying to be more open and less buttoned down these days. It's not easy when you've had a lifetime of stuffing your feelings.

When there are grey skies
I don't mind the grey skies
You make them blue
Sonny boy...

So, my uncle is gone. He chose to end his life at 80 because he just didn't want to get old and disabled. I understand it and I don't. No matter what, we have to accept it. It's easy for me to say I would never do such a thing, but I don't know what it's like to be old.

There was a lot of advice given about my relationship. Everyone says two things at once - that you need to be compatible and in synch, but that also relationships require compromise and sometimes you can't stand the person.

Ain't no happiness nowhere.

Still back and forth with the BF. He confirmed for me last night that we are indeed on a break and it's indeterminate - "for perspective". Which, again, I don't think is a bad thing, I could use a little distance right now. But I don't entirely understand our problem. I mean, if he is in fact quitting smoking and getting his financial life in order, then what's the deal? We don't seem to be communicating. It could be a counselor is in order just so that if we do break up it's for good reasons, not just over a misunderstanding. 

In the meantime, I'm enjoying being at the event where I first was recovering from a chemical pregnancy, then the next year brought my new baby, and now four years later am here with my four- and two-year-olds at home. There is a lot of history here and I am letting that sink in. 

I hope some day the cousins, sister and I can find a way to spend more time together. We all felt it when we were together yesterday for the first time in ages - it's just us, now. With the boys more able to travel in upcoming years it might just start to be possible.

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