Graduation

Bobby graduated from elementary school on Monday. Much to my surprise and delight, he won the Presidential Gold award for academic excellence, which I’m still beaming about. Since the information about graduation was hard to come by, I wasn’t really prepared for what a big deal it would be - we didn’t have any nice clothes (Bobby’s outgrown all his button up shirts) so he was one of only a few kids not in a suit or nice shirt, and we didn’t have flowers or leis or balloons. BUT I got my sister here from Florida, got tickets, got us all there on time, bought presents (a Devo shirt and a Kraftwerk shirt), made a cake with a customized Kermit, and made dinner plans. Next time I’ll make sure everyone has a decent shirt. 

It’s been a non-stop whirlwind since Friday - my sister came in late that night, then the H and I went to an all day punk festival that was awesome but destroyed my body and melted my brain, then Sunday Bobby had a class get together at a park and then I had to go sing at Knott’s, then get up early Monday for the graduation, then yesterday I opted to keep both kids home from the last day of school because who cares anymore, then went to a class get together for Theo where none of the parents talked to me, and today and tomorrow there are more friend get togethers. Needless to say, my exercise and diet have been suffering, which is causing me some anxiety, sigh.

Yesterday my sister and I hiked up by the old school and saw they were doing the traditional last day of school whiffle ball game, and I saw a bunch of Bobby’s old friends participating, and I teared up a bit. I realized I haven’t been doing that hike because it breaks my heart a little bit to see the boys’ old school. Things would have been so different if they had stayed there. Bobby graduating from the school he’d been in since kindergarten, where I knew all the parents and had watched all the kids grow up, would have been very emotional. I don’t think either of us felt much about graduating from a school Bobby had only been in for one year. 

However, it was still a great day, and I’m very proud of all he accomplished. With Theo still having two years at the new school, I’m going to try to lean in a little more and get involved over there - it’s my tendency to detach from places when I know they’re about to end (childhood trauma); for his sake, I feel like I need to focus on his remaining time there. 

Slight exaggeration - actually two mothers talked to me at Theo’s class get together, people I’d met before, and they both have older kids that just completed their first year at the jr high. Sadly, it did not go well for them. They struggled, couldn’t keep up with the work, were overwhelmed. To say that was hard to hear is an understatement. Bobby already had a hard time remembering to get things done on time this year - he stubbornly refused to write assignments down in his planner no matter how many times I cajoled him - so I’m concerned he’s going to go the same route as these kids. I guess it’s just a heads up to me that I need to have his info on my computer and need to check in weekly that he’s turning things in and getting decent grades. I had a hands off policy with his current class, but maybe I have to be more vigilant next year. Luckily both parents said their kids did fine socially. So there’s that.

One parent gave me the suggestion of having Theo walk with friends to the nearby library to wait to be picked up after school, which would solve the problem of how to pick up the kids an hour apart. Apparently their kids did this all last year and it worked out. So I’ll give that a try. I’m a bit concerned about 5th grade boys raising hell and driving the librarians crazy, but Theo’s a good kid - if I lay down expectations I’m fairly confident he’ll not be a nightmare over there. One good thing, it’ll make my days a little longer - I gain an hour each day (Bobby won’t get out until 3:30, which means a pick up more like 3:45), different from the 2:45 I’ve been doing all year. So there’s that. Now, on to summer!

June gloom

We had a couple of weeks of what Angelenos call “May gray” and now we’re headed straight into “June gloom”. This means every day we wake up and it’s cold and gray - the heat is kicking on again in the morning, and I use my seat heaters in the car. This continues until early in the evening or sometimes all day. The sun may poke out for an hour or two late in the day, or it may not. I have to say, this is my least favorite part of living in this part of the country. You have this weird, London-like winter in May and June before you’re finally allowed any summer, which then lasts well into October. School is ending, summer is here in a couple of weeks, and yet it’ll be colder than it was in January. I hate it. 

While it’s very un-motivating to wake up to cold and gray every day, I have been sticking with my workout routines - I’ve settled into yoga Monday nights, Pilates Tuesday, weight training Wednesday and Friday. I don’t go to the Hollywood Y anymore since my favorite teacher left, and I found a Y in Sierra Madre that’s easier to get to. My routines are about to be interrupted, though. Kids off school means everything changes - we’ll be getting up later, I’ll be potentially dropping them at camp right as many of these classes start. I’m low-key panicking about losing all the momentum I’ve built with both diet and exercise - between our big road trip and then Korea, and changes to my schedule, I’m worried I’m going to lose all the progress I’ve made. I’m down 9 lbs (halfway to my goal) and clothes are starting to fit again - I’d hate to start ticking back up again because I stop working out or start overeating. Ugh. I’m going to have to be really vigilant the next three months.

Another mortgage payment today, and my constant question is - is this one of the last? Ever?? If things go the way I want, my last regular mortgage payment will be Sept 1. Once the event is over and all the dust has settled, I’ll know for sure if I can pay off the house entirely by Oct 1. This is the closest I’ve ever been to this dream. I’ve been making housing payments of one kind or another since 1990. The day I pay this place off could be the happiest day of my life, really. Between that and paying off my Hollywood Forever niche (burial spot) next month, that will free up an extra $5000 a month. That’s unimaginable. And yet in just four months I could be there.

The final week of school starts tomorrow. I’m still completely in the dark as to all the 6th grade activities coming up - there’s supposed to be some thing pretty much every day (dances, picnics, etc) but I don’t have times or locations. I don’t even technically know if I’ll be able to get enough tickets for graduation next Monday. It sounds like that one is first thing in the morning (blergh) and then the kids can go home - although all kids are expected to return for a final day of school the next day (Tuesday), we may just skip it. There will be no more homework; the standardized testing is all done. It’s party time, or almost. Five more days. I’m going to miss this comfortable routine; and I’m especially going to miss two kids at the same school. We won’t have this again until fall of 2026. I’m going to miss this elementary school life. Things are simple and the kids are easy right now. I worry what comes next. I remember years ago a relative was melting down over her kid entering jr high and I didn’t understand - now I do. I finally donated all of our unused but opened wedding alcohol to a friend - it occurred to me that having teenaged kids alone in a house with tons of opened alcohol just sitting around wasn’t a great idea. I was a good kid but even I took swigs of the mini vodka bottles my mother was gifted but never drank, just out of curiosity. 

Bobby hasn’t asked to move his room up to the attic for a long time; I hope he’s decided he wants to stay with his brother for a while longer. Their room is really juvenile - I’ve done nothing to update it since they moved in there together at 2 and 4. I keep thinking I need them to get out of the bunk beds and need to get rid of their toy boxes and move in desks and more adult things, and that day will come, but, just not today. 

Memorial Day

I made the best of being trapped at home on a 3-day weekend due to my first Knott’s appearance on Sunday by packing in other activities - Friday night I spent the night in Santa Barbara after seeing Queens of the Stone Age with a couple of girlfriends and yesterday we went to the LA County Fair, something I’ve never done but would do again. I got cheap tickets at the grocery store and we went early, so got to enjoy rides and food with no lines - by about 3 pm the hoards of people arrived, and that’s when it became unbearable and we all wanted to leave. The afternoon crowds were what I had expected the whole experience to be like; thankfully we dodged that bullet. Still came home with a massive Disney rash around both ankles, again. Ugh. 

We’ll be back at this same spot (the Pomona Fairplex) in two weeks for a massive punk music festival, which could go either way for us, really - the H has an injured knee and has a hard time walking and standing; it’ll be very hot with no shade and nowhere to sit on black asphalt; the audience will be mostly current and/or former male punks with axes to grind (we both think there’s a chance of a massive riot that will shut the whole thing down, hence deciding not to bring Bobby). On the other hand, based on the age of the bands, we imagine most people in attendance will be 50+ so unlikely to cause trouble or be in any better shape than us. 

Two more weeks of school, and the last week barely counts - I think there will be a number of half days and parties and things. My sister will be visiting, so I thought it would be fun to make a box cake for Bobby’s graduation. He’s a huge Kermit the frog fan, so I ordered this figurine for the cake and made a little felt graduation cap and paper diploma for it:

I love that these boys still enjoy childlike things - I say, enjoy the last of your childhood as long as you can. I was still playing with dolls at 14! Why not? With Bobby entering a whole new phase of life this year, I think this could be the year that he morphs into a whole different person; for now I’m going to treasure these last vestiges of his pre-teen life. 

Final visit of the season

This weekend was our final desert visit of the season. Or rather, most likely our final desert visit, as the H is determined to make it out once or twice. With me singing every Sunday at Knott’s, plus extreme temperatures, I find this scenario unlikely. Last year I watched weekend temperatures every week just as an experiment, and they rarely if ever dipped below 105-ish, which is just untenable with no power. This visit, like our previous one two weeks ago, was during a heat spell - 95° both days - and it was pretty unbearable. I sat out in the hammock chairs and it felt like someone was aiming a hair dryer at my back when the wind blew. Our remaining projects - installing the kitchen sink, figuring out our water tank situation, building a shower corral - are still left undone. 

I'll miss the place over the summer, but mostly I'm concerned about what it means that we won't be there until September; it means there's a giant mountain to climb before we see it again, which is my event. And everything will look different by then, and I don't know what's going to happen, and it makes me very insecure. 

I realize I do this every year, but I'm worried about attendance. I'm only on a par with last year as of now, which says to me I will not have a better year than last year as I had hoped, and I can really only expect about another 300 people or so in the next 3 months. As is typical right now, it's nothing but refund or transfer requests every day and no new signups, so I'm playing chicken with my bank account and wondering when I'll have to dip into my savings again, and how that will affect my house payoff dreams. This plus the "May grey" that's descended, leaving every day cold and overcast until the late afternoon, is just taking its toll on me emotionally. 

We've only three more weeks of school, and it dawned on me that I'm actually going to miss the predictability and routine, as much as I'll enjoy not having to get up early. From mid-June on, every week is going to be different, which will definitely get in the way of my workout classes, and keep me on my toes. Then in August the new routine begins - juggling pick ups from two different schools at different times, and that'll be our life for two years until they're joined together again (hopefully). Will I have a paid off house? Will my event be ok? Will my plans to expand the event work out? Will I even be able to have my event at this hotel past 2027? Everything right now is unknown, and it's leaving me feeling uncertain and restless.

When we were young

There’s something about music festivals featuring bands of your youth that make you feel simultaneously both young and free and also impossibly old.

After much debate, we decided at the last minute to attend our third Cruel World despite having had a mild fit over their choice to headline Duran Duran (not goth…not goth!). I was still there for Tones on Tail (anything to get me in the presence of at least some members of Bauhaus and Love and Rockets). I hastily threw together this customized Love and Rockets-themed outfit from a jogging jumpsuit from JC Penney and an L&R logo from one of the H’s too small t shirts. I felt pretty good in it.

Unlike previous years, the weather was perfect. Also unlike previous years, there was nobody there I was overly excited to see, and therefore no magical moments, although I was caught off guard by how emotional I got hearing Simple Minds’ “Alive and Kicking”, and also really enjoyed Jesus and Mary Chain with all their buzzy psychedelic awesomeness, finally got to hear The Stranglers do “Peaches”, and of course Tones on Tail to round out the night.

My body, as usual, was destroyed. Back hurt after a few hours, feet and legs ached despite lots of sitting/lying down, and even with compression socks I still got Disney rash. 

I had hoped working out or walking five days a week would make me in better shape for this. Nope. Still old. Nothing can undo that, sadly.

So here I am the day after this festival with all bands in their 60s and 70s, and surrounded by mostly people like me who had 70s and 80s youths, feeling my aching body and awash with the feelings and sounds of my formative years, and just full of…I guess…saudade is the only word that really sums it up.

I also ran into the boy who broke my heart in high school, which, while delightful, also made me feel some type of way. We’ve been in touch since HS and resolved past issues and are now pleasant but distant friends - I mean, we’ll never hang out or anything - and we had chatted briefly on FB about both going to the No Values show in June, but I was surprised to see him yesterday. That certainly added a little something to that weird feeling of being so far removed from my teen self, and yet she’s still in there, you know?

It’s odd to look at my kids now - especially Bobby, as he’s on the eve of being a teenager - and think this is the little person that will still be inside them when they’re grown men and completely different than they are now. Will they one day listen to the music of their youth and cry? Is there music of their youth, or is their music just my music? Will music mean the same thing to them, or not, since obviously music was my way of escaping my traumas and dissociating? I wonder these things about them, while also acknowledging a) they’re boys, b) their childhood was in the teens, not the 70s, and c) they are growing up in Los Angeles and not Boston and New York City. So many differences. 

Today is Mother’s Day, and with the specter of my own broken maternal relationship long behind me now, I can enjoy the day and claim it for myself. I’m going to sit in bed and nurse my aching body and later we’re all going out to a nice vegan dinner. I’m grateful for these men in my life, I really am. 

May is here

May is here and I am torn between feeling like I wish this time would never end, and wishing it would go more quickly. Spring is always weird for me because my event is open (as of this year, we’re always open) but I’m between the opening hoopla and the time where things need to get done, so it’s an awkward holding pattern. The kids are itching to be done with school - five more weeks - everywhere is a feeling of ramping up while also winding down.

After doing a bit of research and asking in groups, I was able to find some suitable summer camp options for older kids for next year - gone will be the days of lunches provided and full days, however I’m pleased to see there’s at least something to keep tweens and young teenagers occupied for a few hours each day. I’m especially interested in some theater camps, science camps, and volunteer camps. Everything will cost more than I’m used to, but I may not need many weeks in the future. I will probably have to Frankenstein together a series of different camps week by week. I also got a notice that the boys’ atheist sleepaway camp may be canceled due to lack of signups, which has me slightly panicked since this is the only year they need to be somewhere as I’ll be in Korea for three of the weekdays they’d be gone. I know that camp never really rebounded after covid, and it makes me sad. I saw that the YMCA sleepaway camp still has a few spots - but I don’t want to bail and make their situation worse, while also not wanting to be left canceled on at the last minute. I imagine they won’t know for sure until it gets so close that they have no other option but to close. I’m just hoping desperately that they can squeak by one more year. 

Our penultimate desert visit starts tomorrow night, and that’s another thing that’s coming too fast. I’m struggling to figure out how to stay on my diet while also cooking for other people all weekend. I’m down six pounds - my Lose It calorie counting app threw me a little party - and I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer have to wonder if the method I developed will work. It definitely does; now I just have to stick with it for three more months. I’m 1/3 of the way there. I’m still at the point where none of my clothes fit, I still have a big fat gut, and I can’t cross my legs or bend over and tie my shoes easily. But I know from experience that another 5-6 lbs and all of that will change. In 5-6 lbs I can wear 70% of my wardrobe; in 12 lbs I can wear 100% of it. That’s my goal. I think I can do it. 

Camp sign up craziness

Well. After missing the kids’ usual rec center camp sign up because they moved it a month early, I’ve been waiting three weeks for today, when a second batch of camps open. I even communicated with one that said to just come by this morning and that registration starts at 10. I sidled over there at 9, assuming I’d be the only one there and would just play on my phone for an hour.

OH NO. I get there an hour early and there’s a huge line of at least 60-70 people, many of whom brought chairs and coolers and looked like they’d already been there for hours. The guy working at the front of the line was telling someone else that odds of getting in weren’t good, so I decided to cut my losses and go home and try the online system for the camp the boys went to in I think 2018 or 19. Their online system wasn’t up, and upon calling, they said to just come by, so I hurried over. This line wasn’t so bad - only about 10-15 people, and I had high hopes. 

BUT. It took two and a half hours to get to sign up. Why it took so long, I have no idea. Slow system, they said. Each person seemed to take 15-20 minutes. In the meantime the online system seemed to be working sporadically, so people would drive up and say they had “just signed up online” (WHAT) and were just there to drop off paperwork. It was maddening. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do if I finally got to the head of the line only to find out they just sold out. I kept trying the system on my phone, but it continually crashed, said things were unavailable, made me go through endless “prove you’re not a bot” tests then only to tell me I couldn’t select things. This went on for hours. By the time I finally made it to the window, I was a nervous wreck. The phone was ringing off the hook and the beleaguered parks & rec worker had to keep pausing to answer it, telling other panicked parents to come by but spots were filling up fast. People in line had friends or partners at home trying on their computers, and one by one they dropped off as they got spots while I still waited. Oh, it was infuriating!!

Long story short, we did get in and all is well. And the fact that this particular camp, which was very under-attended five or six years ago and not very well run, is now suddenly so popular, says to me maybe they’ve improved. It’s crazy when even your “last resort” is still this stressful to get into. 

Sometimes when you get so focused on “getting” a thing like this, you get tunnel vision and forget to evaluate if it’s even worth it. Do the kids even want to go to this, or any, camp? I haven’t even told them about it because if they express the slightest negativity about it I know I’m going to lose my mind. But there’s also the fact that, of course these kids don’t want to do anything but play video games. Their ideal summer is staying in pyjamas, not brushing their teeth, eating ice cream and playing Gorilla Tag on their VRs every day. Do they really get to choose that as their summer? Of course not. So off to camp they go, but I have a feeling that Bobby, at least, is kind of over it. Not many older kids go to these camps - they’re really for the 5-7 year olds - so there may not be many kids their age to play with (which is where the eagle rock camp was better for them). I just don’t know. It’s like, I should feel happy and relieved and grateful that I pulled off the impossible and got cheap childcare for two kids for the whole month before school starts (and right when I need to focus and work the most), and I am, but I’m also kind of ambivalent. This doesn’t solve the problem of what the heck I’m going to do next year when B is 13 and too old - try to convince him to do a CIT program? Make him do a CIT program whether he wants to or not? Let him malinger at home while Theo still goes by himself? Let both kids malinger at home? I know it’s a year away so I really shouldn’t be even worrying about it, but I’m going to have to figure it out before next spring. Now that I know how completely nuts the parks & rec summer camp sign ups have become, I know how much more hyper vigilant I’m going to have to be now. The days of strolling by the day camp opens to register your kid are long gone. 

In other news, we had a lovely and HOT weekend in the desert. It was mid-high 90s, which is actually unusual for April. I got my ass out of bed on Saturday to do yoga at the Palms, which was great, and the rest of the time read hundreds of pages of various books (Welcome to Wonder Valley and Nomadland) sitting in the chair hammocks, and helped set up our shower with the water heater I bought three years ago. 

Just for last weekend we had it set up on the east side of the house, but will try to build something more permanent along the side of the shipping container. I have to say, having a hot shower was a revelation out there. 

Time is running out before it’s no-go time until late September or October - we can really only manage two more weekends before we’re out for the season. I don’t know if we can get a shower structure built in that time. 

Because of the hot days, the nights were incredible - Saturday we had a nice fire and lay in the hammocks and it was warm and delightful. That’s what being out there is all about. I wish we didn’t have such a tiny window each spring and fall for good weather, but at least now we know that with insulation the place stays warm in the winter, so even 40° nights are easily tolerable without any heating at all. The H says he still wants to go in the summer, but he was wilting even in the 91-95° heat, and summers can be 110-120° pretty consistently for months. That’s not manageable. Even if we had AC, what the hell would we do all day? Sit around, bored, in a tiny box? What’s the point? Also, my band is on for every Sunday at Knott’s all summer again, so weekend trips are pretty much out. 

Tonight I’m going to try a new Y in DTLA to try a “power yoga” class. I’m not really up to it - I’m fasting and on my period and generally out of sorts - but maybe I need the distraction, and I’ve already dealt with uncomfortable, triggering things today so might as well just pile on one more new, vaguely threatening experience.