Spring break on The Big Island

Last night we returned from our spring break Big Island trip, mostly funded by Marriott points (free stay in Kona) and airline miles (got us one way for free). 

Going into the trip, I had only planned one thing - a late night manta ray swim, which I’ve done twice before, but is so special and rare that I really wanted the kids to experience it. One thing I forgot about Hawaii - which I always forget - is that going into it with no plans is a very bad idea. So we had a couple of lost days that just weren’t thought out very well and resulted in lots of sitting in the hotel room on devices. But then again, at those times we were all exhausted and needed the downtime, so I’m not sure if it could have or should have been any different. 

We flew in on Monday, and arrived early enough that we had a whole day to kill with no actual plans, so pretty much just wandered around and got dinner. 

Tuesday I wanted us to have a solid beach day, so we went to Hāpuna beach and boogie boarded, which was fantastic. The only drawback is there was nowhere to rent an umbrella or chairs, and with no shade anywhere, we couldn’t stay as long as I would have liked. So by about noon we were ready to go, and I had nothing planned for the rest of the day except dinner and a farmer’s market in Waimea. 

So we went to several places to try to get shave ice and they were all closed, then went to the farmer’s market which was tiny and only had a smattering of vegetables and no fruit; it was far too early to try to stay around for dinner, so we just drove home in defeat and doom scrolled until it was time for dinner. I did find us a really pleasant Oceanside place to eat so hopefully that redeemed the day.

Wednesday the H had talked me into booking a snorkeling tour at Captain Cook - I had done this before and remembered it was a great snorkeling spot, and although I was reluctant to spend another $500, I figured I should go for it, based on how poorly my lack of planning had turned out so far.

Much to my chagrin, despite having snorkeled plenty of times before, Theo suddenly developed a fear of the fish and wanted out, so he sat on the boat most of the time. And Bobby said he was cold and didn’t want to do it, either. So that was a big waste of time and money.

Once again we had nothing planned for the afternoon and were too drained from the snorkeling debacle to be motivated to go on yet another excursion, so we hung around the hotel room and doom scrolled until it was time to set off on the manta ray tour. I was terrified the boys would not want to do it, would freak out and want to get back on the boat, etc etc…if Theo couldn’t handle a few small fish 20 feet away from him, how the hell was he going to react to a 15 foot long manta ray *literally* bumping into him in the ocean in the middle of the night?? We had a talk with them both, and I guess a little guilt went a long way - they both enjoyed it and said how cool it was, thank god. 

The next day, the H had booked a surfing lesson for the boys. I was highly skeptical. I figured Bobby might be up for it, but I didn’t picture Theo, still little at just eleven, being able to hold his own on a surfboard in open water. These kids can swim, but they have almost no experience being in deep ocean water where they can’t touch the bottom. It’s way different doggy paddling around your tiny, shallow pool than swimming in the ocean. So I did not feel good about it at all, and my fears were soon realized. The young guy doing the “lesson” paid zero attention to them - he had his back to Theo almost the whole time, and never seemed to notice that Theo was off on his own, unable to keep up. Bobby finally had to go over and sit by him on his board because it was clear Theo was struggling. At one point he fell off the board and could barely get back on, and I was absolutely horrified. I really thought my worst fear - that one of my kids would drown on vacation - was about to come true, right in front of my eyes, while I watched helplessly from the shore. I couldn’t have been more relieved when somehow the instructor saw him and came over to tow him back to shore while the others continued. There were almost no surfable waves, so Bobby pretty much just sat on the board or paddled around for the entire 1 1/2 hours. Good times!! Glad I didn’t pay for that shit. 

I had rented snorkel equipment in the hopes of snorkeling at that beach, but it was overcast and windy and cold, so I returned it unused, and once again we went back to the hotel room for more doomscrolling. We did get in a nice date night that night, now possible by being able to leave kids in the hotel room unattended. 

Our final day, Friday, was packed full of adventures, thankfully. It was my fourth trip to the Big Island and yet I had never been to the fabled green sand beach, largely because it’s so remote and difficult to fit into an itinerary. But we went, and endured a bumpy, crazy ride in the back of a pickup truck, and it was fabulous, definitely my favorite thing we did. We only had 45 minutes there or I would have gotten in the water, which the boys did. I would definitely go again, except I would hike it and plan to spend the entire day, bringing a lunch and a change of clothes. 

We had wanted to hit up Punalu’u, the black sand beach with turtles we visited last time, but ran out of time and skipped it to go straight to Volcano National Park, which was closed on our last visit. It was moderately interesting, but not great - apparently a lot of the cool features were gone since the H was a kid (a visitor center with a Geiger counter constantly going off, the ability to walk down into the crater, etc). A lot had changed since the eruption that affected our 2018 trip. So we saw some cool steam vents, looked at the crater, and went in a lava tube before the sun set and it was time to go home.

We returned yesterday night, an uneventful trip home, thankfully. Planes didn’t crash, tattoo didn’t get infected, nobody burned except Bobby’s legs and arms on the first day despite my hyper vigilance with sun screen. A good time was had.

But I think it’s safe to say that, as with all things right now, the cloud of what’s happening in our country overshadowed everything with a sense of doom. Everyone said, “just unplug, don’t pay any attention to this stuff when you’re gone”, but that was totally impossible, and also, to me, morally questionable. You can’t unplug right now - none of us have that privilege. So I followed the drama of the senator visiting Garcia in El Salvador, and the 1 AM Supreme Court ruling against further deportations, and the protests yesterday that, so far, have not caused a declaration of martial law today as everyone had feared. The whole time I couldn’t help but wonder when - or if! - we’d be able to have a Hawaiian vacation like this again, even with free flights & lodging. I wondered whether I should cancel our cruise in June. I wondered, and wonder, again, just how bad the financial pain is going to be for me this year - is it going to be a total wipeout, like 2001, back when I was single and childless and my expenses were 1/10th of what they are now…? I’m terrified. A bunch of Koreans canceled during the week, with thousands in contest fees going with them. I didn’t even have enough money in my stripe account to fund the refunds and so had to set up a wire to pay them. I’ve never had to do that before. How bad is this going to get?? I feel like all of us, whether we know it or not, are looking over a cliff right now. We’re still standing on the edge of the cliff, but in a month or two we’ll be plummeting down. The real effects of all this financial ineptitude won’t be felt for a few more weeks, but when it does - look out. And again I have to ask myself…how bad will it be for me this year? How many hundreds of people will I lose? I won’t know for weeks, as now until about mid-July are always dead for signups anyway. The uncertainty and fear are killing me. It’s really, really hard to exist under these conditions. 

Body things

So in the middle of tariff insanity and rollercoaster stock markets, I decided to get another tattoo with the rest of my rapidly diminishing money. It was a nine hour extravaganza on Monday with the same female artist who did my other tattoo. As last time, the planning and designing took about six hours, with a dinner break, and then an hour of outlining and an hour of color. I can say this - unlike last time, this time HURT LIKE FUCKING HELL. Like, unbearable, labor-like hell. Why? In looking at tattoo pain charts, there’s no reason this part of my arm should have been so much worse than the other part of my arm (like really, completely night and day). I was gripping the seat and clenching every part of my body and groaning in misery. I’m very tempted to make this the last tattoo. I know I wanted a New York one, but oh my god. If anything, I would not do both outlining and color in the same session. It’s just too much. I was shaking uncontrollably and then pretty much limp by the end of it. Nope. Not doing that again. 

So what we did was combine elements of the first tattoo - traditional style elements - to make it look like they were intentionally grouped together rather than done years apart with no planning. It’s a bit of a bold move for me, since the idea behind the first tattoo was to hide it under a short sleeve most of the time, whereas this one will be visible most of the time. In other words, it’s more of a commitment to outing myself as a somewhat alternative person. This was a conscious choice. I’ve decided I want to be the kind of woman who has visible tattoos. This is a big shift in my life-long unwillingness to visibly identify with any particular group so I can always blend in unnoticed. Perhaps it’s just so true that as you get older you stop caring about that stuff and just want to do what you want to do. “Why shouldn’t we decorate ourselves?”, my tattoo artist said on our first meeting. Why not, indeed?

So for the next few days I have to keep it under a tight Saran-wrap-type bandage, which unfortunately has been leaking for days, even after I continually expand its borders with extra pieces she gave me. I’m tempted to just rip the whole thing off now, but the last thing I need is an infection as I’m headed to Hawaii for a week (I’m already seriously questioning my judgment about doing it this close to this trip). So I’ll take it off Sunday night before we leave, which is already a day short. Can’t wait to be done with this healing part. Then I just have to keep a good barrier of approved lotion (which I kept from last time) and lots of sunscreen during the trip. Hopefully it’ll all turn out ok. 

In other news, yesterday, ten days into taking the terzepatide pills, I started to feel vaguely nauseated, and this has continued into today. So one would think if it was food poisoning or some kind of virus, I’d already be throwing up or be getting past it. Is it the pill finally kicking in, or just a coincidence? I’m still hungry at normal times, still thinking about food - which tells me it might just be a coincidence. But I’m not 100% sure how these GLP-1s work with regards to nausea and/or losing interest in food…does the nausea come first, then the food noise stops later, or does the food noise stop because you’re nauseated so nothing looks appealing? I kind of have felt like crap in general physically and emotionally the past couple of days, because a) my arm hurts, b) I’m PMSing and bloated and crampy, c) political stuff is getting me down and depressed, and d) I can’t exercise because of my arm. So any number of these things could be contributing to the general bad constitution I’m currently experiencing.

Tomorrow I go to a Bernie Sanders rally downtown, Sunday I go dancing and celebrate a 90 year birthday party, then Monday we leave for The Big Island. I think we were last there in 2017, 2018? The kids were so little then, they don’t even remember it. It’s going to be a very different experience going to Hawaii with a cell phone having teenager and his almost pubescent little brother. No car seats! 

Hands off

So the H had this idea to protest on Saturday as penguins. While I thought the idea was clever, I worried that it was making light of how dire things are, that it was just sort of silly, and I didn’t feel like being silly. But he reserved some rental costumes for us, which I had to go pick up, and he made penguin-related signs, and we packed up snacks and water and went downtown to protest with ? thousands of people (nobody knows for sure, and reports vary wildly. Suffice it to say it had more of the strength and size of the protests I remember from 2017). 

What ended up happening was this. While our costumes delighted everyone and brought some (probably) much-needed levity, it was also a huge drag for me. Mainly, rather than getting to participate fully in the protest, we became just props to be taken pictures with. It was hard to move, or sit down, or take the heads off, without people demanding we stand up and let them take a picture. This was fine initially - it’s not like we didn’t expect lots of attention - but it grew old, fast. Then there was the reality that I couldn’t see or hear anything inside that head, which made me massively anxious because I was hyper vigilant for violence or attacks, and not being able to see anyone around you or hear anything but your own breathing was really awful. I had worried about being too hot - I loaded us up with icy water in our camel backs under the costumes - but really that was the least of our problems. I felt completely removed from everything that was going on - I couldn’t connect with anyone, couldn’t see people’s faces or read any clues - and then (possible) right wing podcasters kept sticking microphones in our faces trying to interview us and ask “gotcha” questions (I refused to speak to anyone but the H tried to engage and just got flustered. I wonder what MAGA video he’s now featured on). 

I felt much better at the end of the march when I stripped everything off and went to walk around the crowd, grab some quick pictures of signs, and share smiles and thumbs up with like-minded people. A friend came with us who went in an inflatable triceratops costume; she said she liked being able to be distant from people inside a costume. I realized that I really don’t. I need to be able to connect with people. Maybe I’m less of an introvert than I thought.

So as much as it was an unpleasant experience, everything was fine - nothing bad happened, people loved our outfits, and the massive swell of resistance all around the world was really great to see, especially for someone like me who’s been at this for months. It was good to be there with the H finally. He agreed the costumes were worth doing but only once. 

I’ve had to tune out a lot of the backlash. I remember this from after the women’s march. When you get loud enough, suddenly everyone has an opinion about what you’re doing. My various desert FB groups have become completely overrun with MAGA idiots mocking and deriding us (that’s really the only online space I still share with Republicans at this point), and that’s to be expected - but of course as always the left has to devour itself, too, mostly on racial lines. Black folks in my feed pointing out how we’re all a bunch of privileged white people not having to worry about the cops coming for us (yes I’m aware of this fact, thank you), my Jewish friend immediately texting me how dismayed she was that I posted some pro-Palestine signs I’d seen, someone bemoaning the fact that most of the protesters are old people (true, but what can you do? It’s not their fault young people feel utterly hopeless), posts again beating the dead corpse of Biden/Harris and if only they hadn’t contributed to genocide, etc etc etc. Just a lot of negativity on a day when we ALL should have come together to fight this travesty of a fake regime, which is going to eventually fuck all of us up one way or another. Yet just like in November, so many preferred to just sit on their asses and tell us what they think about it when nobody asked their stupid opinion. Either be part of the solution or be part of the problem, people. 

A friend pointed out that I’ve become Reddit famous, ha ha. Here I am (everyone of course assumed I was a man):

Summer locked in

Today I brought a book and camping chair to go hang out at the rec center to get the kids signed up for camp. As soon as I dropped them at school I headed over - I was about 12th or so in line. At 8:15, I was 45 minutes before online sales opened and an hour 45 before the office opened for in-person sign ups. I was able to get Theo in on my phone, but there was no online sign up for CITs, so I had to wait until 10. 10:45, really, since it took forever for the people in front of me to get signed up and paid. But I got them both in for the final four weeks before school. Phew.

All the parents around me were having the same conversations - how impossible this system is, how crazy last year’s sign up day was, what life is like after the fires, how much we hate Trump and how much everything sucks. 

Yesterday was fucking brutal - between the orange turd intentionally tanking our economy and infuriating all our trading partners, to the sudden announcement that my rival (or sister, depending) dance competition on the east coast decided to cancel, I started really spiraling. This event canceled because they’re very dependent on international visitors and of course no one feels safe coming here right now (although they moved their event to be just a month before mine), but I also have insider knowledge that since an ownership handover last year their management has been a bit of a shit show and the new owner probably was looking for a convenient out (I had a similar situation when I had agreed to host the World Lindy Hop Championship in 2001 and was able to get out of it because of 9/11). So they are not in the same situation as me, but it did give me pause, plus flashbacks to 2020 of watching other events fold one by one. I’ve been worried all along that a bad economy could affect me - how could it not? - but now I’m really worried, like, crunching numbers and trying to figure out just how bad I could potentially eat it this year. I decided to cancel the remodel of my pool (desperately needed - after 21 years, the whole thing is crumbling) and just save that money I had put aside to potentially live on. 

It could be really, really bad. I could lose hundreds of people, and this, of all years, as I’m taking on $30,000 in extra expenses adding a day. How horrible. 

I don’t really see a scenario in which I don’t lose customers - it’s now just a question of how many. My room block is full, the contests are full, registration is about where it was this time last year. But all of that could easily change. People could start canceling. My international instructors could decide not to come and I’d have to replace them. Just like in 2020, everyone is just waiting and watching in terror - but if things don’t start to look less dire in a month or two (and I don’t see how this is possible) people are going to decide they just can’t afford a dance camp right now, no matter how fun it may be. 

And this is all assuming that things don’t go really apeshit in the next six months. Invasions, empty shelves, unemployment, riots in the streets…? I can’t help but feel like we’re careening towards an America we couldn’t possibly imagine right now, after decades of peace and prosperity; will we even recognize ourselves by summer…? Will I look back on this post and think, “wow, remember when I thought I’d even have an event??” I was just here five years ago. I still remember that tentative optimism. And the hideous realization that I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

Add to this the announcement today that a friend from the dance scene, who had been missing for a few weeks, was reported as deceased and believed to have died around January 20th. He was a troubled soul, although I liked him a great deal. No cause of death will be released for some time, but I’m going to guess suicide. I just saw him in December at one of our Christmas gigs. We’re all shattered by the news. A friend of mine and I were talking about how all this shit that’s happening is going to take down the most vulnerable people - people like him, who were always on the edge emotionally and financially. They’re just not going to survive this. Another friend posted that she’s in a desperate situation and is trying to sell things; I sent her $100 to her Venmo. Only the strong will make it through this - which is some eugenics / lord of the flies / survival of the fittest Nazi bullshit if I’ve ever heard it. 

We decided to stay in town this weekend - the H really needs to work, and I really want to go to the big downtown rally. Luckily he’ll come with me for the first time. It looks like there’s finally real momentum for these protests, and I’m here for it. Sad to miss possibly our last desert trip for months but also glad not to be missing this giant protest. 

I’m glad summer is locked in now, everything mostly paid for, plans made. I don’t know how successful some of these things will be - from the volunteering camp to sleepaway camp to the cruise to Bobby’s first stint at being a CIT (which he balked at, initially, when I brought it up again a couple of days ago - too bad, you’re doing it!) - but you have to try things. And I’m trying to prepare myself for a shitty turnout at my event but still hold my head high and do my best for the people who did pay the money and show up, and set myself up to just bloody well persevere like I have so many times before. It’s all about survival now.

Friend desert visits

I had a friend desert visit this last weekend that, despite the ongoing issue with my oil light popping on and off (I’ve taken the car in for this three times), went swimmingly. I did make the executive decision to keep us close to Joshua Tree on Saturday, which was teeming with people, rather than head up to Amboy where there’s no people and no service. I’m pretty sure it’s just a sensor issue, but it’s still pretty anxiety producing. Of all times, now is not a good time to ruin my engine and potentially have to get a new car.

It feels weird and guilt-inducing to try to have a normal life while all around us things are crumbling. A political pundit summed it up well recently when he said one minute you’re protesting, the next you’re buying new placemats…and it all seems so ridiculous. And yet everyone says you need to take breaks for your own sanity, and tune out so you don’t get overwhelmed; you have to balance your life otherwise you’ll spiral into inaction. Also, when you have kids, you have to keep up some semblance of normal life so they don’t just get scared and anxious. But you also have to stay engaged and keep fighting. There is a lot of conflicting messaging right now. It’s hard to know what’s the right thing to do. I made a tone deaf post on FB recently decrying the lack of basic decency in America right now - and unsurprisingly all my POC friends swooped in to tell me it’s always been this way and express their annoyance with me that I’m only now just noticing it, because of my white privilege. And I get that, but also, I’m not only just now seeing it, and the point I was trying to make was about how this cruel and sadistic regime enables people’s cruelty and racism in ways we haven’t seen (publicly) in decades; I don’t think that can be debated. But I can’t explain that, because it makes me sound defensive, and I can’t delete the post because it’s “dirty deleting”, so I have to just leave it up there for people to misread and continue to paint me as just another clueless white lady who thought we solved racism when Obama was elected. Sigh. This is where we are. And I hate it. From now on I’m going to more carefully vet my posts because this one was definitely a mistake and not at all the message I was trying to convey and not at all how I see things. Lesson learned.

In other news, I started the terzepatide pills yesterday. Just took pill #2. So I can say with some certitude that a) I am not allergic to it, and b) I’m not so sensitive to it that I instantly start projectile vomiting. I can already see a problem, though - since it’s a pill that you’re supposed to dissolve under your tongue and not chew or swallow, so far what I see happening is it pretty much just dissolves into your saliva and then you swallow it so you’re pretty much just swallowing the pill anyway. I’ve seen people complain about this online. So my prediction at this point is that these pills will be largely ineffective - I’m going to guess I’ll take these for a month with zero results, then switch to shots. Most people seem to go this route and notice an instant change. 

I have *some* of our summer figured out. I was able to get the kids registered for one week of a local inexpensive camp in June that focuses on volunteering efforts. It’s definitely an experiment; it was recommended to me but nobody had actually had their kids there. Still, it’s local, cheap, and just one week right after school ends. Then I booked a cruise that straddles two weeks in June and gets us back on July 1, so I can just not book any camps during that time since we’ll be gone too many days each week for camp to be worthwhile. So now I only have to find a camp for four weeks, and the one I have my sites on is the one they barely got into last year, which opens for registration on Thursday. I called and they have a CIT program for older kids that you just sign up for, no interview process. So I’ve got my fingers crossed that I will be able to get both kids in there. I suppose I’ll just go camp out on the sidewalk like I did last year. Stressful! 

We’re headed to the desert as a family next weekend, and it might be our last, sadly, as the only available weekend after that is Memorial Day, and odds are we’ll be playing Knott’s that night (also, it’s going to be wicked hot). I’d like to go the weekend after, too, to shut the place down for the summer, but again, wicked hot, and Knott’s. I’ll miss that place. I hope we can spend lots of time there in the fall.

Bobby is 13

I have a teenager. I HAVE A TEENAGER. What is happening. How can I have a teenager when I’m a teenager…?

Bobby turned thirteen yesterday. When I went into their room to sing “happy birthday” in the morning, the first thing he said was, “I shouldn’t have to go to school,” and I can’t argue that one. Unfortunately, since he’s thirteen on a Monday, he’s going to spend pretty much his remaining childhood birthdays in school. Booo.

In the evening we went to a fish taco place for dinner, then I gave him my old phone wrapped in a Trouble board game box, which didn’t fool him one bit. He said he knew he was getting a phone. Dammit. He was happy about it, though, and, bonus for me, I don’t have to hear him ask for a phone every day of my life anymore. So, there’s that. 

What is Bobby like, at thirteen? He’s a smart, quiet boy who talks with this distinctive lilt probably from his friend group which is almost entirely Latino and Asian (there’s a little Mexican-Spanish upturn in his speech, which I find charming). He’s polite and kind, but also very introverted and awkward (I can’t imagine who he gets that from). I would say he’s a bit mopey, but who isn’t right now? He’s entitled to a bit of dark introspection, in my opinion. At the moment he doesn’t show any interest in anything but video games, which pains me to no end, but so it is. I wanted him to have a normal childhood, and I guess that’s what a normal childhood is in 2025.

During dinner, the H randomly brought up a story about Amy Schumer having success with a new weight loss drug, which was the perfect opener to tell him I have, in fact, also signed up for said drug. I actually changed from semaglutide to terzepatide after freaking out a bit about potential nausea; I contacted the company about my fears and they switched me. The drugs are in the mail now, so I may start next week. The H was supportive, thankfully - he knows how closely I’ve been watching the development of these drugs over the years, and how I was waiting for shortages to end and a pill form to become widely available. So I figure one of three things are possible here - 1, they don’t work at all; 2, I become so horribly nauseated that I quit in disgust, or 3, they become a useful tool in finally reaching a healthy weight and maybe even staying there for a little while. I don’t have much to lose - 10 lbs would be amazing - so hopefully I can use it and then taper off fairly quickly. I really don’t know what to expect. But I’m just curious enough to at least try. 

Technology encroaches

One of the biggest parenting hurdles of our age is technology, and how to manage it for your children. Anyone with a kid right now knows this struggle, especially if you’re cough older and are baffled by technology in general. 

Since B started jr high last summer, the entreaties for a phone have been constant and irritating. The H and I have held out in the belief that phones are bad for kids, and people I respect say “hold out as long as you can”. And I stand by this - I have no regrets not giving Bobby a phone up until this point. But. He’s turning 13 on Monday. Literally everyone he knows has a phone. He’s still nursing his rickety kid’s watch from probably 4th grade (?). I had bought him a refurbished Apple Watch on prime day back in October with the intention of giving it to him on his birthday to at least step up to an actual phone at some point.

But. I went to set it up yesterday, and, surprise, it’s locked by the previous user. Took it to a TMobile store - they said there’s no way to get into the watch; I’d have to return it. Talked to Amazon - they won’t take it back because it’s been too long. Fair enough, although shitty because I spent $200 on something that legitimately can’t be used and never should have been sold, who cares if it’s been a few months?? Whatever. I contacted the business of origin, some family run electronics company in NY. I don’t have high hopes. Left a one star rating. Boy do I wish I’d opened it and tried all this back in October. 

But. On the way back from the store I called the H to discuss options, and thankfully he suggested I just give him my old phone, fuck it. What happened was he saw that all the kids at the birthday party last weekend had phones, and realized we were being unreasonable. I’m all about not being that parent that sets up non-sensical arbitrary rules just because. And the fact is, these kids have been terminally online for years (largely at the H’s insistence, as in getting them IPads and then VRs, which they’re on constantly). Bobby’s had a laptop for over a year now, and although I installed parental controls on it, to be honest I don’t have the slightest idea if they’re even set up properly or doing anything at all. Bobby has also had a very old phone of mine in his room that he’s been able to roam the web with freely for years (I gave it to him to listen to music, not realizing he could access the web with it). So…what’s the danger of having a phone, actually? That he can finally fit in with his friends? Text people outside of the family? Ugh, I give up. Just give the kid a phone already. I’ve been paying the extra line for months, and the phone is free.

As I set it up for him, I discovered there’s tons of restrictions I can put on it as his parent anyway, even shutting it down at night and restricting what kind of photos can be sent or received or what kind of websites can be accessed. And he’s going to be soooo happy. I’m excited to give it to him. 

I feel like he has the maturity to handle a phone (I would never give one to Theo right now) and is probably way more interested in his VR anyway. Also, the school has enlisted a total phone ban as of a week or two ago, so he can’t get in trouble at school with it. Now I just hope my crappy old phone holds up!

In other news, I’ve done something that’s either the smartest or stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I’m still questioning my sanity about it, so no judgment, please! I’ve signed up for semaglutide pills from an online pharmacy. Gasp!! Why? Well, I’ve been fascinated by these weight loss drugs for years - and was always very curious about them (since results are all over the place). I was waiting to see a) how safe & effective they were over time (it’s been years and we’re not seeing people drop dead or develop tumors!), b) if a pill form would appear, and c) if shortages would end, opening up the market for non-diabetics like me. All of these things have now happened. So I thought…why not? The food noise in my head causing me to compulsively eat when I’m not hungry is intense and never-ending. There aren’t enough hobbies or activities in the world to distract me enough from this. My pattern for years now is to diet for a couple of months, lose most of the weight I want to, and then slowly gain it all back. So every year I spend about two months at a healthy weight and then ten months 5-10 lbs overweight. I’m fucking over it. 

If I could predict the outcome of this experiment now, I think what’s most likely to happen is it will make me so horribly nauseated that I’ll quit within days and then spend weeks or months battling with this online company to cancel my subscription. I am terrified of the nausea. I would rather be fat than constantly nauseated, any time. However, I may not feel nauseated at all, it may just be temporary, or may be mild. Who knows? You don’t know until you try it. Also, it may just straight up not work. I have heard people claim that because they already eat when they’re not hungry, the drug making them not hungry doesn’t help. At all. So odds are this will be a spectacular, expensive failure, like the very expensive hair transplant I bought for the H as a wedding present that, in my opinion, did absolutely nothing. But. I’ve been obsessed with the idea of these drugs for years and I just want to try it out. I’m curious to see how, or if, my body responds to these GLP-1 inhibitors. And I do realize once you go off them that you gain all the weight back. But maybe, just maybe, I could lose enough weight and feel so fabulous that I’d be more motivated to keep up good habits…? It’s hard to stay motivated when you starve yourself for months at a time and lose some weight but are still ten pounds heavier than you were five years ago and still can’t fit in to half your closet. I don’t want to be super skinny, but I feel like being 135-140 pounds at 5’4” is a perfectly healthy weight. And it would take nearly a year of intense every day overeating to go from there back to the weight I am now. So, we shall see. I don’t know when I’m actually going to get these drugs - a couple of weeks? - and I want to be feeling good in Hawaii next month, so I probably won’t start for another month, so end of April. Maybe I’ll change my mind before then, or I’ll tell the H and he’ll talk me out of it. But boy does the prospect of possibly losing weight with some assistance, instead of raw dogging it like I do everything in life, sound appealing right now!

Theo is eleven

Theo turned eleven yesterday. When I went into his room to wake him up, he gave me the 10 + 1 sign with his hands, and I started singing happy birthday, and sleepy Bobby joined in, which I thought was very sweet. 

Later the whole family went to a conveyer belt sushi place in Little Tokyo which, despite my fears (I read a review that said it had a 2+ hour wait for dinner, typically) ended up being really fun and only a short wait. I’m glad I could cobble together a quick and fun plan for him so he could feel special. We did cake and candles when we got home, and I forgot to give him his lone present (some Percy Jackson books, his only request). Maybe we’ll open it after his party Sunday.

So what is Theo like, at eleven? This is what I’ll want to know if I ever read this again, and Theo may want to know if he ever finds it. Theo is an extroverted, fun-loving kid with a great sense of humor who never seems to take anything personally and is pretty much always upbeat and friendly. So, the polar opposite of me at his age. He’s so different from me and Bobby, in fact, that if I hadn’t birthed him myself I would wonder who his genes came from, because they couldn’t have been mine, ha! I think the only thing we have in common is a sardonic sense of humor, which  to be fair, we all have. In observing the brother dynamic, I often wonder how different each child would be if the other never existed. How different would things be if it were still, thirteen years later, just me and Bobby in this house - or if there had never been a Bobby? How much of Theo’s personality is just little brother energy - bouncing off of, reacting to, and filling any vacuums left by his big brother, who is probably a more important figure than even I am to him, at this point? I often point out to Bobby how bored and lonely he’d be without this constant companion, and he only shrugs, but the response is quite different when I say the same thing to Theo. Younger siblings are so formed by their birth order…and yet, at least in Theo’s case, manage to forge their own way in the world and be fierce, free individuals. Free of parental expectations and anxieties, free of having to do certain things or be a certain way. I used to say, at the worst, Bobby got my anxiety and Theo got my exhaustion…but the other side of that coin is Bobby got my enthusiasm and Theo got my experience. I’m so glad I made that (admittedly) crazy leap to attempt a second child as a single mother by choice. He is a delight and our worlds just wouldn’t be the same without him. I now present to you my last 40-year-old egg.

Birthday season

For the H’s birthday, I bought us all a tour of the windmills near Palm Springs. It was not cheap, and conflicted with several other things I would rather have been doing (like the Women’s March - wahhh!). It turned out to be a total ripoff - just a short trip on a golf cart to look at some windmill blades, with not a lot of information given…and…that was it. Thankfully the H got a kick out of how bad it was and we all had a good laugh about it. Then we saw Mickey 17 at the drive in (which was meh, but the desert drive in experience is always fun). 

The next day we finally had the water guy out to fill our two tanks, which *I think* means we now have about 500 gallons at our disposal, which means getting to fill my cowboy tub and also nice hot showers.

However, after he left, we discovered the bigger tank had a leak around one of the nozzles, which then meant hours and hours of attempted repairs on our part, which unfortunately never really took. So we have a slow leak which means possible mold and of course loss of water. But by 6 pm we just had to leave it. Also, inexplicably, the plan to attach a hose at the bottom to use gravity for water pressure apparently doesn’t work - the H claims the water is coming out of the hose at barely a trickle. Which makes zero sense to me - I’m convinced he has a nozzle turned off somewhere, and I might just check that myself when I go out there with a friend in three weeks. But if this is true, it means having to get a water pump, which will need a power source. Sigh. Nothing can ever be simple. 

It’s birthday season, and I’m determined to not let it sneak up on me like it did last year. I decided to lean into it in this final week, and today went and bought goody bag supplies and ordered a cake at Costco. It’s the first year I don’t really have a theme - last year I made it after their favorite VR game at the time, Gorilla Tag, but this year there really isn’t a stand-out idea, so I’m just doing generic things, like candy and the ubiquitous Takis for the goody bags and a basic chocolate cake. Also I’m trying not to order anything on Amazon, which severely limits my theme-related purchasing (I went to my local Party City store but it’s closing in weeks and the shelves were all but bare). 

Nearly everyone Theo invited is coming, but Bobby’s friend attendance is a lot more vague; I don’t have any parental contact info for most of the kids, and several I did have can’t make it for whatever reason. I figure Theo will probably have about 10-12 friends there and Bobby will have 3-5. This will cost me about $1200. Help. 

Theo just wanted some Percy Jackson books, so I got those. And Bobby of course wants a phone, which he’s not getting, so instead he’s getting an Apple Watch which I bought months ago and have been paying monthly fees for this whole time. It’s connected to my old phone, which I have in a drawer, and at some point next week I’m going to have to go to the TMobile store to get it all set up which I don’t have the slightest idea how to do. I’m not convinced it’s even going to work out, honestly. I jumped at the chance for a cheap early generation Apple Watch but with it having to be connected to a phone, to me it’s pretty much like just handing him a phone. I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest idea how to navigate all this shit. Apparently, nobody else does, either. 

March-ing

Protest, protest, protest. I haven’t given this many people the finger since the No Values punk festival last year.

Protested at SpaceX Saturday and then up in Ventura today. It’s been gratifying - unlike the sad little City Hall protests I went to before people started getting their shit together, these have been really well-attended. I’d say about 90% support from passing cars and 10% idiots giving us the finger which I enthusiastically returned. Fuck them all. I hope their grandmas lose Medicaid and end up on the street. Seriously. I hope every one of them dies in horrible ways. 

In other news, I’m going to have to pack up my protest boots this weekend (darn it) for a desert weekend ostensibly for the H’s birthday tomorrow. I bought us all a tour of the windmills by Palm Springs. And hopefully we can have the water hauler guy come fill our tanks. And a movie I really want to see is playing at the Drive In. So I’m excited about that.

Unfortunately his birthday tomorrow and our trip are a bit darkened for me right now over a fight we got into yesterday. It’s far too boring and stupid to get into, but suffice it to say I feel like he waaaay overreacted to something that shouldn’t have been even a problem, got really snotty and jerky about it, and I’m pretty sure still thinks he’s right even though he apologized. I’ve noticed he does this - apologizes really fast just to end the fight, but we never clarify what happened and I know he just goes off thinking I’m wrong but he’s keeping the peace so whatevs. What happens is it leaves me feeling unsafe, because how do I know when he’s going to get all pissy about the next stupid thing that wasn’t even remotely a problem? So I don’t know when, but I feel like this needs to be addressed. I won’t feel good about it until we talk it out. And I don’t know when that’s going to happen with tomorrow being his birthday and his working non-stop all other times. To be fair, incidents like this are extremely rare - once a year? But still a drag. Sigh. L’enfer, c’est des autres. 

I think we will do a cruise - maybe a shorter, cheaper one, and book interesting non-cruise related excursions ourselves? - since I can’t think of anything else to do for the summer and I know everyone except me will love it. Maybe I’ll just go on the water slide over and over. I haven’t pulled the trigger because of all the financial bullshit going on. It’s very difficult to commit to a big expense like that. But I think we’re going to do it. 

Summer does hang over me like the Sword of Damocles - I went to a summer camp expo on Saturday, but, unsurprisingly, all of the camps were too far away to drive to every day in rush hour traffic, and also prohibitively expensive. I’m torn between a) trying to get Theo and Bobby at the same rec enter camp, with Bobby as a CIT, which will be difficult to pull off for many reasons, b) having just Theo go to rec enter camp which will also be difficult, or c) saying fuck it and having a feral summer. A feral summer wouldn’t be the end of the world - they still have a week of sleepaway camp - but the very idea of spending SEVEN WEEKS with two kids at home in their pyjamas, haranguing them to brush their teeth, playing video games all day every day while I cook and clean up three meals, all at my absolute busiest and most stressful time of the year, makes me want to slowly peel my skin off with a ham key. The reason the rec center camps would be tough is it’s just so hard to get a spot now. Remember what happened last year? Even showing up an hour early to wait in line was about three hours too late; I barely got them the spots I did, after sitting on concrete for three hours. I don’t even know what the CIT program process is like, but I do know it involves an interview to be selected, and he may just not make it. I could handle Bobby at home alone with me all day more than I could handle both of them. But getting Theo a spot at any camp is not guaranteed. Sigh. I hate it. 

February down

I’m turning my thoughts to aspirational living in an attempt to counteract all the doom and terror. Thanks to a very healthy tax refund headed my way (when, who knows, with nobody currently still employed at the IRS), I feel freed up to think about our annual summer trip. To be fair, the refund is only my money I’m getting back after way over-paying estimated taxes in September, but STILL.

I kind of wish now that we were going to the desert for spring break and that I had saved the cheap Hawaii trip for summer, however. In fact I’m almost considering cancelling everything and doing just that. But I thought we’d be doing a Mexican cruise for the summer. I did some research and sent one that looked good to me to the H - and he’s all for it - but he did caution me that the shore excursions are pretty terrible and it’s really best to just stay on the boat and enjoy the lack of crowding while everyone else gets ripped off in tourist traps in town. That made me think. To me the whole point of a cruise is to see new, interesting places - I’ve never been to the west coast Mexican cities. He encouraged me to watch some videos. So I found some for the exact cruise I wanted. And I’ve got to say…it’s not great. The cruise itself looks like Vegas on a boat - everything I’m not interested in - shitty pop music, red meat, alcohol, and throngs of Trump supporters. I’d be totally into the water slides, but…that’s about it. Nothing else about it looked even remotely appealing. Sure enough, the excursions did look like overcrowded tourist traps predicated on tequila tastings and Chinese souvenirs. And if there’s no point in even going ashore…then, fuck it. I’m not spending $1300+ a person to go to Vegas Boat Prison. And unfortunately from California this is our one option. We could always fly to another city and do a Caribbean cruise, but that just adds another $2-3,000 to the overall cost. So I’m kind of soured on the whole idea at the moment. 

I looked into maybe flying to Florida and combining a sister visit with something cool like a liveaboard charter boat to the Keys for some snorkeling (I’ve always wanted to see Dry Tortugas Nat’l Park - although who knows what’ll be happening with the parks system in four months), but again, big time $$. Then I thought of driving to Lake Havasu, just a bit east of our cabin, and doing a houseboat. Again, $$. Then I thought of an international trip somewhere cool like Vietnam…once again, $$. Ok fine, how about camping? I think that’s all I’m left with unless I want to spend $5000-$7000, which I don’t. Hmmm. I’ll think on it. 

I had a consult for my proposed Bowie tattoo - we’ll do it on April 7. It’ll most likely be in the vicinity of my current tattoo and kind of blend them together. I’m beyond excited. 

I’m doing the economic blackout tomorrow (usually I think things like this are pretty stupid, but this one seems to be gaining some traction, and it’s no skin off my nose, so why not), and am protesting the co-president at the Star link headquarters in Long Beach on Saturday, then driving up to Ventura for a protest on Tuesday since nobody in LA could get one together. I sure wish we were all actors getting paid to protest. I could use that check for a houseboat this summer.

Is hatred of the Orange Turd becoming my entire personality?

Is hatred of The Orange Turd becoming my entire personality? I definitely have asked myself this question often, lately. Perhaps it has, at least temporarily. But…how could it not? Things are so extremely dangerous right now - the most dangerous I’ve ever seen them in my lifetime - how can you not be laser focused on what’s happening every day in our skeleton of a government? And then I think of all the damage done and how difficult or impossible it will be to undo…and then the suicidal ideation starts again. And then I just have to distract myself until it passes, and think about The African Queen, when Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn are hopelessly lost on a river and pretty much lay down to die, and then the camera tilts up to show the path they were looking for was just beyond some tall reeds. I may watch that again, actually. I need to be reminded that there is hope on the horizon.

My stance these days, as the horrors and outrages just continue day after day (and, sadly, largely on weekends when we would normally get a break, since that’s when President Elon and his incel army™️ do all their dirty work, when the courts are closed), is that I know this is all hopeless but at least they can never say I went down without a fight. I’ll be kicking and screaming the entire way. I have a highly developed sense of justice and fairness - TikTok tells me this is a feature of autism - which plays back to my earliest memory of being told to go to the principal in preschool for defending a friend who was being bullied, and refusing to go. Not bad for a four-year-old. I can at least know I spoke out, I protested, I showed my anger and outrage. I didn’t just shrug my shoulders and put my head down. Fuck that. 

Yesterday I got three friends to go protest with me, but there was a lot of confusion about where to go and when - I decided to go to city hall at noon, but that was a mistake. Only a couple hundred people were there, whereas the “official” protest was at some random spot in North Hollywood and had thousands. Sigh. I won’t make that mistake again. Still, it was an empowering day, and felt good. We all felt as though we were “doing something”, even though intellectually I understand these protests don’t amount to jack shit, once again, at least I’m showing my outrage while I still can.

In other news, we had a lovely desert visit over the weekend in which we finally made it to the quaint drive-in movie theater I’ve been trying to get us to for years, which was a fun time, and we cleaned out the shipping container and plumbed the two water tanks so we are ready for our first water shipment any time. This means we can start having hot showers and filling the cowboy tub I bought years ago and all sorts of things involving large amounts of water. We go again in three weeks. I have a couple of friend visits planned, too. Can’t wait. I’m just sad that Joshua Tree National Park has been a victim of the Nazi and now will probably be a hot mess for some time. I guess we’ll stick to visiting Amboy and local trails instead. 

Screaming, continued

There is another protest tentatively scheduled for Monday. As such, we’ve shifted our plans to have Valentine’s dinner on the 13th, head out to the desert on Friday (14th), return Sunday, and then go protest on Monday the holiday. Assuming the protest comes together. Which it might not. I ordered two American flags as the theme of the protest is “no kings” and it is damned well time to take back our fucking flag. 

It’s hard to comment on anything else going on due to the severity of what’s happening - yes, there is real life happening; the return of my toe pain (boooo), kids in school, stress about summer plans, tax work, event work, plans for the desert, etc. I think the most non-depressing thing that’s happened is I took the liberty of booking us a trip to The Big Island for spring break. We were supposed to just go to the desert and work on projects, but…those Marriott points and flight points were eating a hole in my pocket. I talked about it with the H, and he said he wants me to have something to look forward to, so I flew into action. Airline miles are terrible now - we used to be able to get to Hawaii even at peak times for 20-30K per flight; now it’s 75 and up. So I got us return flights using points and booked $250 flights going. I got free lodging. The only other costs will be tours, food, and rental car. Again, not as cheap as a week in the desert, but…we need this right now. We haven’t been to the Big Island since probably 2018 or so - the boys don’t even remember it - and I could really use a day on a black sand beach. And they’re old enough now to do the fabulous manta ray tour. Off we go. Counting the days. 

Speaking of costs, I took Bobby to the orthodontist for his appointment in which we were supposed to get the ball rolling on braces…and when we got there they had no record of the appointment. So that ball has been kicked down the road two and a half more months to when they have another opening that’s not during school. That’s fine…right?

Next month we find out if Theo will finally be admitted to the gifted program at his school, and today I submitted the permit to allow him to continue there if he isn’t admitted. My prediction is wait listed again for the gifted program with a possibility for admission at the beginning of school when some kids leave to go to middle schools instead, and approval of the permit. However, there’s always a chance (slim) that he won’t be allowed to continue at this school for the final year. That would be wild! Would he return to Mt Washington? I can’t even imagine that! But I won’t have to because both of those things happening are extremely unlikely. I know enrollment has never really recovered from COVID, so I don’t think kids are being kicked out of schools at this point.

I’ve pretty much just become a political junkie now - there is hardly a time I’m not listening to a podcast or watching a YouTube video or checking in on social media to see if I missed some major development. Things are moving so incredibly fast and are so incredibly urgent that I don’t want to miss anything. Is it unhealthy for me? I’ve asked myself this many times, but so far, I don’t think it’s gotten to the point where I need to unplug. I feel worse and more anxious when I don’t know what’s happening. And I’m still functioning and doing all the things I need to do, including exercising and getting out of the house and cooking good food. Right now we’re at this pinnacle we had to get to sooner or later, where judges are pushing back angrily at the orange turd and Elon’s defiance of court orders. Let’s not forget, judges have big egos, too, have devoted their lives to the rule of law, and don’t take kindly to people (especially unelected randos) flouting said laws and rulings. The question is…will anyone enforce the punishments? Will it just be symbolic fines that mean absolutely nothing to billionaires, and then we’re “even”? It reminds me of the Sopranos episode where the guy changes his mind about selling his lakefront property to Tony Soprano, so Tony sends his goons to park a boat in the water right in front of the house and blast rat pack music incessantly until the non-seller loses his mind. At one point the wife screams at him that they’ll just keep paying the fines, who cares? It means nothing to mobsters. That’s how I feel about these thugs that have taken over and are plundering our government right now. This is some mafia-level bullshit. 

One thing that’s given me comfort lately is a post by someone pointing out that all presidencies start out with shock and awe, in which the newly elected throws everything at the wall in this massive projectile vomit for weeks just to look powerful and make things happen quickly. But eventually, they come up against congress, and the courts. And you need a larger majority to get actual legislation passed than they have now, and things are going to start happening to him, and he’s going to have to actually act like a president and not a spoiled brat knocking over toys. And he can’t and won’t do that. And suddenly he won’t seem so all-powerful and invincible. Personally I still think Elon and his incel army have already wrecked our government beyond repair with whatever secrets they’ve stolen and sold and whatever malware and spyware they’ve installed on literally everything. I don’t know how you come back from that, or any of this, really. Especially when I see all the idiotic cultists in my friends’ comments cheering all this illegal sadistic shit on. They’ll never learn, even if they lose everything because of him. They’ll still love Big Brother even if those gas and egg prices continue to climb. 

Screaming into the void

On a whim, I attended a protest downtown yesterday. The lack of marches or protests this time around has been puzzling me - we’ve known this goon was going to take over since November. Where is the outcry? Last time around there was a massive protest with thousands of people shortly after the election. This time it was almost impossible to get information - and tons of people saying “be careful, I don’t think this is legit” - if I hadn’t dug around and found a Reddit thread, I wouldn’t even have known it was happening. But I put on my “Is he dead yet?” shirt and combat boots and headed down there. 

What I found was a small desultory group, an odd mix of mostly Latino teenagers and pissed off menopausal white women who have free time in the middle of the day. But I was glad to be there. It’s nothing but it’s also something. I’m not just “taking it”. I’m not pretending it’s not happening. I was there, screaming into the void. At least I can say at the end of the United States, I did that much.

January’s over, but…

So the longest month of the year is over, and for some reason I’m relieved just by the symbolic ticking over of the month even though it means nothing. Hope springs eternal, I guess?

I don’t have to tell anyone reading this that the Orange Turd outrages and illegal treasonous activity continues. Once again, I thought the worst would be over by now, but the hits keep coming. It seems people are too stupid to see when he threatens a thing, implements it, and then immediately retracts it, that it’s not a “win” for him. Usually it’s a combination of realizing the thing he did will make him unpopular plus the other side doing something they were doing under Biden anyway and his finding a way to make it look like they’re capitulating when they’re actually not. But then again these are the same people who were stupid enough to vote for him, so there you go. It’s been two plus weeks of non-stop rage and frustration on my part. My only solace is listening to podcasts like Meidas Touch and The Bulwark to hear other, smarter people be equally incensed so I feel less crazy. 

I’m trying to comfort myself with aspirational things, so this weekend I gave our living room a glow up with some new lamps and new framed art by a friend’s kid, changing a 24-year-old setup. I love it and it makes me happy every time I walk in the room. 

I’m also plotting to have the pool re-done since it’s completely falling apart after 20 years and might endanger the house if I don’t deal with the problems soon. I don’t really have the money, but as usual I’ll find it. Bonus, we get a nice cleaned up pool. Very much looking forward to that, since it’s been practically non-functional the last couple of years.

I opened my contests on Saturday night and it went well - a couple of technical glitches that were my fault, but ones hardly anyone noticed and that were easily fixed. It felt less insane than last year - way fewer panicked emails - probably because I expanded most of the more popular contests with the additional day. So at least on my end the extra day plan is already making things better. And as of now I have exactly the same number of people coming as this time last year. I always want more, of course, but this year? I’ll take what I can get. The fear of being spun into a global economic depression by one narcissist in charge haunts me always. There’s plenty of time before September for lots of damage to be done. 

Colonoscopy biopsy came back clear, no cancer. It’s such a relief to know that, at least right now, colon cancer is not in the cards for me. Maybe I’ll escape that family curse yet.

I’m thinking ahead to spring break and also summer plans for the kids. As I’ve talked about a lot here, now that Bobby is aged out of the parks and rec summer camps, I’m at a bit of a loss. He did express interest in the CIT program, and I may still try for that, but apparently you have to interview, so he may not get selected. Also with how insane these camp signups are now, Theo may not get in, either. I just don’t know. I feel like we could very well just have a nice summer at home - I would love to not have to get up early, and the kids can be left at home now when I need to go out and do things. My only issue with this is a) I know they would just spend the entire summer on screens, b) I don’t want to be making lunch every day and hustling them through dressing/tooth brushing etc, especially when I really really need to focus and work, and c) the prospect of not having a minute to myself all summer kind of makes me want to cry. There are so many specialty camps for kids, but they’re SO EXPENSIVE. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford $1200+ a week for two kids to go to camp and build robots for a few hours (and that’s on the cheap end). I signed up for a summer camp expo just to get some ideas. I know I’ll figure it out - but it’s stressful.

I was going to have us just spend part of spring break in the desert working on projects - but part of me wants to say fuck it and go to Hawaii. I have enough points for free lodging and one way flights, so I’d just have to pay one way (about $1000 for me and the kids), plus a rental car, pet sitting, and airport parking. It all adds up, I know this. So obviously spending a few days in the desert for free is the cheap option, and useful as we have some big things to accomplish out there that take more than a day (setting up water tanks, drainage for the kitchen sink, solar). But man oh man would an escape to paradise feel absolutely amazing. I’ll see how I feel about it. That trip can always be moved to the summer, too. We’ll see. 

Colonoscopies - real and metaphorical

Today I had my first colonoscopy, which I really should have done years ago after my aunt died of colon cancer, my cousin (then in his 20s) discovered it and had part of his colon removed, plus our grandfather having died of it in the 80s. But, better late than never, right?

I had a lot of fear and anticipation going into it, partially the fear of “finding something” of course, but mostly of the prep part which everyone who’s been through it volunteered to tell me how horrible it was. So under Kaiser, as much as five days ahead of the procedure you have to stop eating any high fiber foods or foods with seeds or peels - basically, all fruit and vegetables, beans, legumes, seeds, and nuts, which pretty much constitutes my entire diet. Then the day before it’s liquids only (the gnarliest fast I’ve ever done), plus force-consuming four miserable liters of prep liquid. So it was basically a multi-day torture session. But I did it, and went into the hospital, and they poked and prodded me endlessly to find my non-existent veins, they gave me the medicine, the room became a tin can, and I woke up in another room after having dreamed about some friends that lost their house in the fires. 

I allowed myself to eat multiple donuts today in celebration of having gotten past this Big Scary Thing, which was probably a mistake. The results? One small-ish polyp to be sent for a biopsy. I’m not overly concerned. The size/type apparently rarely turn out to be cancerous. I had hoped someone would comment on my pristine 40-years-with-no-red-meat colon, but no such compliments were offered. Ha!

I’ve mostly been lying in bed watching Korean dating shows and eating donuts (stopping only to make the kids dinner and make sure they do homework and fold their laundry) under the guise of “recovering”, but really, I felt completely normal about an hour after the procedure. However, I can see why they don’t want you driving home. Hoo boy. 

So with having croaked my way through two nights of singing with the orchestra (still congested and coughing, five weeks later-!), introducing myself back into society after self-isolating for a month, and now having survived the colonoscopy, most of the things giving me massive anxiety are now behind me. No pun intended.

But of course the metaphorical colonoscopy continues in the form of this treasonous illegal regime headed by a con man and felon (and, apparently, Nazi side kicks). I had hoped that the “shock and awe” portion would have been mostly last week, but of course the daily outrages continue. We really are watching the American Experiment die in real time. Everyone I talked to at the dance event was in horror of it all; that and the fires was on everyone’s mind. Not much more to say about that except yup, it’s everything I had feared and yet more. Eighty years of fighting for equality and fighting against fascism wiped out in one week. Un fucking real. 

Still going

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I’m really struggling. I would say I’m “fighting depression,” but I’m not actually fighting it. It’s just happening, and I’m letting it, because it’s an appropriate reaction to the sheer horror of what’s happening in our country right now. In fact, horror doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’d love to say “we’ve been here before and survived” - something you can say about wars or economic disasters or terrorist attacks or, even at this point, global pandemics - ! - but we haven’t actually been here before. And I don’t think we’re going to survive, not as a democracy, not as a country. And many actual people aren’t going to survive, either. I heard today that, as promised, the orange turd is vowing to withhold all fire aid to CA unless congress democrats give him everything he wants. Which makes me so ill I can’t even stand it. I want to punch walls and break things. Can we become our own country now and stop subsidizing all the stupid red states that voted for this piece of shit? The Jan 6 pardons, the removing all DEI initiatives and employees, the erasure of anything lgbtq from all federal agencies…I’m just so utterly disgusted. I could go on and on. I’m just full of rage at all times. I can’t believe we’re living this nightmare. And once again he openly told us he got Musk to mess with the “vote counters” in Pennsylvania and nobody is going to do a damned thing about it. He cheated his way into office, is going to utterly destroy this country, and nobody fucking cares. I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it.

In the meantime, of course, life must go on. I’ve got a few very stressful things coming up, which is adding to my depression and anxiety. I am actually a little better, illness wise - the congestion is easing enough that I can at last mostly taste again, and I’m only blowing my nose 10-15 times a day and not 50. Which means I don’t really have an excuse to not sing tomorrow and Saturday…but I’m really going to struggle to do so, also. I’m going to try to practice a little today so I’m sure I can actually do this. Either way I’m dreading it. Also, being back in a highly charged social situation which I am not prepared for at all. I’ve been completely isolated (other than my family) for a month now; to suddenly be in a room with hundreds of people that all need to be greeted graciously, some of whom are friends I’m seeing for the first time who lost everything in the fires…I just can’t. I honestly wish I were still so sick I could just get out of it entirely. 

Then the other sword of Damocles is my looming colonoscopy on Tuesday. I really, really wish I had planned this for some other time. As of today, I can no longer eat most fruits or vegetables or grains or nuts or seeds or beans (so basically my entire diet); as of Monday, I can’t eat anything at all the entire day and have to start this revolting clean out, then Tuesday I have to get up at 5 AM and continue to force this crap down my throat for hours until I finally have the procedure. I know I’m being a big baby - everyone has to do this sooner or later, and plenty of people endure far worse medical things on a daily basis - but I am completely dreading it. And then of course there’s the fear of what they’ll find. What if they find cancer, and this ends up being my “cancer year” on top of everything else? Look at me, catastrophizing. 

So basically right now I’m just waiting for next Wednesday. Everything between now and then is just stressful and scary. I’m hoping, too, that after the “shock and awe” of these first few days in office, the outrages will be fewer and further in between rather than one every five minutes. I knew this week would suck and boy was I right. 

So it begins…ugh

Ready for four (at least) years of outrage, sadness, and helplessness? Me neither.

Like most sensitive folks, I’m avoiding all media today except those that refuse to play video/audio and instead just give appropriately snarky analysis. 

We’re back from the desert, and had a pleasant, utterly unproductive weekend. It was too chilly for roasting marshmallows or hanging out in hammocks, but I did spend some quality time in the chair hammock reading and swinging, and we finally shopped for big pants for Bobby. He’s been campaigning for baggy pants and more hoodies for ages. Every one of the 2000 kids at his school wear the same uniform every day: baggy jeans or sweatpants or pyjama pants, and giant oversized hoodies. Far be it from me to criticize a soon-to-be teenager for wanting to fit in, but I have to admit I’m a bit dismayed at the utter lack of creativity and individualism with these kids. Where are the punks, goths, hippies, mods, metal heads…? Why did this change? Anyway. Bobby’s happy with his new stuff, and I’m happy he’s happy. Thankfully Theo doesn’t care. Yet.

I booked their duo-birthday trampoline place party today. It’s going to cost $1200. FML. I hope this is the last one. 

I am still just as sick as I was three weeks ago - still completely congested, can’t taste or smell, and filling a garbage can a day with tissues. At this point I’ve had to tell my bandleader that I may not be able to sing this weekend. I would hate to miss it - it’s an important event - but this illness has no end in sight, and there’s no way I can sing with a completely clogged nose and my voice dropped an octave. I’ve had to cancel another week’s worth of exercise classes. I’m so sick of it I could cry. I just want to breathe and taste my food again. I don’t understand why this won’t just go away already. It really is the virus from hell.

We’re all on high alert for more “once in a generation” high wind events here in LA, one starting today and going through tomorrow. It’s not windy here, and my weather app shows no wind in our area, but I know it’s happening elsewhere, which means more fire risk. Yet another thing that never seems to end. Until it rains, and the winds die down, we’re still in danger. My displaced friends have stated that they really don’t know what to do next. They’re all holed up in hotels, trying to get a hold of insurance, and not sure where they’re going to live and for how long and what’s going to happen. Again, I can’t even imagine the stress of that, especially if you have kids in school (and especially if that school has burned down, as many have). Ugh. It’s all so horrible, I can’t spend too much time thinking about it. 

Sorry, not a lot positive today. But we’re ok, kids are ok, business seems to be fine (for now), this illness will pass some day, I’ll get back to exercise when I’m no longer a walking pathogen, the sun will rise again.

I have to say, I’m so glad we have this “second home”, a place to lay our heads that’s not dependent on any grid or utility. Just knowing we have somewhere to go that has comfortable beds and food and water and a bathroom we can use, is tremendously comforting. I shudder to imagine what circumstances would cause us to actually use it for something other than a pleasant weekend in the country, but knowing it’s there does give me some peace of mind.

Recovery?

I’d say the air is finally clean and clear, but considering that it’s been over a week since I’ve been able to smell anything, I don’t really know. Everyone is freaking out about unseen dangers still lingering in the air - asbestos, toxic chemicals - but then others say the danger is long gone now unless you’re dealing with the actual burn areas and debris. It’s making me paranoid, for sure, especially since two of my essential senses are gone (smell and taste), I feel especially vulnerable and know I’m not able to properly judge my surroundings. 

We had a full week of normal operations around here - kids at school, me doing work. I miss my exercise dearly and feel incredibly guilty for not getting out and helping, but I’m also coughing and hacking and blowing my nose every three seconds, so don’t want to get people sick, or make myself sicker. I’m starting to panic a bit that I have heavy singing duties in just a week - two nights with the orchestra - which would be totally impossible now. I’m wondering if I should head back to the doctor, since this stupid illness has dragged on for three weeks now and doesn’t show any sign of change or improvement. It’s been more than a week since I tasted anything, which is so frustrating I want to cry. Other than that first round of covid, I’ve never been this sick in my life. Wtf.

I’ve had a ton of brain taxing work this week (learning new computer systems and web update systems, etc) - believe it or not, January is one of my busiest months, since I pretty much have to have my entire event ready on the web for my price increase in just two weeks. I thought I had my teaching lineup settled, but now I have an opportunity to bring in another teacher, and those negotiations are moving slowly. There’s so much left to do and so much that won’t get done in time. Between that and all the tax work, my head is spinning. 

On Wednesday I got so depressed I just ended up sleeping most of the day. The mental toll of seeing your friends and neighbors suffering, your city suffering, knowing how easily it could have been and could still be you, being endlessly sick, being cooped up in the house with no exercise, and the dread and terror of what’s about to happen in this country and the world, just got to be too much. A friend says about 89% of Altadena has been completely destroyed. Even people who still have homes aren’t allowed back for weeks. Everyone’s displaced in hotels with just a few things they happened to grab. They’re managing to put on a brave face, but I just can’t imagine. I’d be a wreck. And yet it could happen here, any time, with no warning, just as it happened to those people who like me only thought “it’s going to be a little windy”. Jesus Christ.

I’m thankful we can escape for a bit this weekend - maybe a change of environment will cheer me up. I miss our cabin - it’s been two months since our last visit - so even though it’s going to be cold out there this weekend, I hope it helps my mental state.

Next week no matter how I feel I’m getting back to at least walking. I booked a couple of exercise classes that I may cancel depending on how I feel. Monday I plan to do a complete media blackout as I can’t deal with how horrible things are about to get. For two more days, we have Biden. I’m just going to cling to that thin comfort, for now.

World on fire, part 4

I was all dressed up and ready to go to the courthouse today to report for jury duty as I was told to last night, but got a call and a text that I’m no longer needed and my service is done. Bit anticlimactic, but I’ll take it. It definitely makes kid pick up and drop offs less problematic.

As of now, you wouldn’t know large swaths of our city had been destroyed, from where I am. Blue skies and most debris cleaned up. Today is, for now at least, the last dangerous day as winds are supposed to pick up in certain areas (again, not here). So we’re all just sitting and waiting and crossing our fingers. So far existing fires seem pretty well contained. I’m keeping an eye out, still obsessively checking the news and then abruptly shutting it off when the orange turd inevitably comes on.

Our house and yard are covered in dirt and ash - don’t even ask me about the pool - and I would get out and clean, but the yard guys and pool guys will probably do all that…? I’m still afraid of the air quality and exacerbating my already horrific head cold which just lingers on and on. Well, that’s my excuse for being lazy, anyway. 

Speaking of head cold, I already mentioned this, but it bears repeating - because I’ve had days and days of not being able to taste anything, I’ve come to realize this is like the poor man’s Ozempic. I find I’ve lost all interest in food. Because I get no enjoyment out of it, I don’t bother with it. Unlike Ozempic, it doesn’t quiet the food chatter in my brain - I still constantly think about getting up for a snack, etc - but because I know I’m not going to get a dopamine hit from the food, that I’d essentially just be wasting it, I don’t bother. This is why I don’t drink or do drugs. So I’m just eating simple, nutritious things in small amounts, things I’ll get enough protein and vitamins from, but nothing unctuous and good. It’s an interesting dilemma - as much as this annoying condition has made dieting easier, not getting enjoyment from food definitely sucks a lot of joy out of life. I don’t want to be the kind of person who “forgets to eat” and hates cooking and just wants fuel to get through the day - I want to be a person who sees food as love and bonding and celebration, who gets rhapsodic over working with vegetables and herbs and acids and fats and good things; I want to suck the very marrow of life, and food is a big part of the human experience. However, being that person and also being a 50-something woman trying to maintain a healthy weight are largely incompatible. La luta continua. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when my poor raw bloody nose finally de-congests and I can smell and taste again. I hope I don’t start stress-binging for the pure bacchanalian pleasure of it. 

World on fire, part 3

La Luta Continua. Fires are starting to be contained, but the Palisades fire is inching into the valley and Brentwood, which has all those people understandably panicked. Air quality has improved considerably. I keep signing up for volunteer opportunities but get turned away because they have too many volunteers. How awesome is that? 

I have jury duty next week, but checked in for Monday and don’t have to go in. I’ll check in every night. Honestly, I don’t mind doing it - I have the flexibility, and I’m just that kind of person that I’m happy to do my civic duty. As long as kids can be dropped off and picked up for school, it doesn’t interfere with my life any at this time of year. 

I should find out later today if kids will have school this week. I think it’s likely they will, but I’m trying to prepare that they may not, at least for a day or two. Their schools are a bit closer to the almost-evacuation zone near the 2 and the 134, so I’m not sure what infrastructure issues they may still be having. 

Friends who have lost everything are starting to post and start up GoFundMes. God, I can’t even imagine. Trying to find a rental - when thousands of others are in the same boat - knowing it could be two years before you have your own home again - and all the paperwork and accounting and tax stuff and receipts and applications and finding contractors (again, while thousands of others are trying to do the same), not to mention replacing every single thing you own, from clothes to cookware to toothbrushes…where do you even begin?? Plus keeping up with your job and school and everything else you were doing on Tuesday when you thought it will just get a little windy. It’s…I don’t even have the words. 

I’ve been watching news coverage non stop, but as of today many news stations have had to move on - there’s not much to report now except the palisades fire creeping through Mandeville canyon. Winds are expected to return in the next few days, though, so everyone is on edge. 

Other than two grocery store trips, I have not left the house at all, for many reasons. I want to stay off the roads, I don’t want the bad air to exacerbate my ongoing illness, I don’t want to leave the kids alone, there’s nowhere to go, I’m lazy and bored and want to stay glued to the television in case something happens locally. And I know this self-imposed exile will end tomorrow, so why not spend another day in bed? I’ve made huge progress on both taxes and event planning, so it’s not all for nought.

Physically, my cold or whatever has transitioned from a fiery, angry throat to horrible head and nose congestion. I can’t breathe at all (using nasal sprays helps temporarily) and I have had no sense of smell or taste for three days now which is very upsetting. I’ll admit it has helped my diet, though, since I don’t want to waste good, yummy food when I can’t even enjoy it. I’m down four pounds. Four more to goal #1; five more after that to goal #2. I can do this. 

Next week is the final week of sane politics in this country. It’s really hard facing the unbearable load of shit that’s about to pour down on all of us. 

Here’s a picture of Bobby looking bored at a Burger King.

World on fire, pt 2

The madness continues. We are still very lucky, safe in our homes with power (and now) internet. But new fires kept popping up last night, starting a torrent of conspiracy theories - it’s gotta be some California-hating MAGA lunatic, right? - but as of now we don’t know what’s started all these random smaller fires, so I’ll withhold theorizing. Let’s just say we all panicked a bit when fires broke out in Hollywood and then Studio City within minutes of each other, and I’m here alone, sick, with two kids. Our neighborhood could 100% go up in flames at any moment - we’re in a hill, with lots of dry brush. I’m at the very bottom of it on a busy street, but so were many of the homes destroyed in Altadena. Let’s just say if someone chose to fuck with us here there’s really not much we could do, with no water and resources stretched so thin. I slept with the fire extinguisher next to the bed and had the boys pack bags. 

Yesterday was endless heartbreak as friends - close friends - one by one announced their total losses on FB. There are a few who don’t know anything yet. I remember that horrible sick feeling so well during Katrina when I had to sit here helpless, thousands of miles away, wondering what had happened to the property I had just bought days before. Of course that’s entirely different because it wasn’t my personal home with all my stuff in it - but financially, it was devastating; remember, I didn’t technically pay off the debt from that debacle until I paid off this house three months ago (so 19 years later). 

So many landmark businesses and historical buildings are gone. LA is going to look very different after this, and people are going to be displaced for years, or may never come back. Also, the already tentative insurance situation for all of us is going to get a lot gnarlier (I fully expect to just be dropped by State Farm entirely at this point - and with the Orange shit stain in office, nobody’s going to do anything about it). 

Kids are now off school all week, which is nowhere near as upsetting as it would have been a few years ago; honestly, they’re happy as clams just building things together on the VR all day as long as I throw food at them occasionally. And for me, I feel good having us all together and knowing they’re safe. I have tons of boring tax work to do, which has to be done at home anyway, so other than getting 0 exercise I’m living pretty much the week I had planned. Still dieting which is terrible timing (all I want to do all day is stuff my face…but I don’t), but having this dry throat/head cold/whatever bullshit illness I’ve been dealing with the past two weeks plus this horrid air quality has been challenging, to say the least. What I wouldn’t give for a breath of fresh air right now. But I’m afraid that is a long, long way off.

Fires are still raging, winds are still blowing (elsewhere) and we are still in danger every minute. I desperately need to get to a grocery store - I had just thrown everything out after the fridge failed again while we were on our trip - but I’m reluctant to leave the house unattended (apparently many people have left our little hill neighborhood and now thieves are prowling around looting. Awesome) or leave the kids unattended. I tried to get delivery going but the stupid app is having some kind of server problem. Not sure what to do about all that. 

It’s hard to say if even on Monday things will be normal and school will return. I’m profoundly grateful that we even have a home and a school. I realize all of this could be gone in the blink of an eye, and that happening over the next few days, while unlikely, is not impossible. 

The H had a terrible fire years ago in which his pets died, and he often talks about how traumatizing and terrible that was, but yesterday said how he realized if he just hadn’t let it traumatize him as much it really wouldn’t have been that bad. Umm..what? He said the bad part was his reaction to it. Ummm…yeah? That’s what trauma is. Nobody chooses to be traumatized. Your reaction is your reaction. When you’ve had one of the worst things possible in the human experience happen to you, I say you get to react however the fuck you want. And just turning off your feelings about it…well, that’s a reaction, too, and you’re entitled to it, but I certainly wouldn’t be prescribing that for anyone else (which is what he was doing, reaching out to people who just that day found out they’d lost everything). Then a friend who had just evacuated wanted to philosophize about how fascinating it is that nature just clears everything out from time to time…and I just had no patience for it. I snapped that it’s easy to get all philosophical when you haven’t just lost everything. All of this smacks of my former culty religion so I was just extremely triggered. Can’t we just accept that all of this sucks and is a terrible tragedy and leave it at that? There’s nothing more to say. It sucks. Period. 

World on fire

It seems appropriate to start this dumpster fire of a year with “unprecedented” wind storms and wildfires tearing across Los Angeles. So far we’ve been very, very lucky. 

I had warnings of big Santa Ana winds headed our way yesterday, and my primary concern was power loss (and of course my recurring slightly irrational fear that the big pine tree at the corner of our lot will crush our house and kill us all). The last time we had a big wind event here was in 2011 when I was pregnant with Bobby - power was out a night, a full day, and then part of another day. I threw out all my food in fear of infection. But mostly I was just bored. So that’s mainly what I was planning for. 

Turns out wildfires were way more of a danger than I had imagined. While the winds died down for us by about midnight, they raged through the night in some areas, and many of my friends had to evacuate and/or probably have lost their homes, friends just a few miles away in Altadena and Pasadena. It’s unlikely the fires will come here, especially with the winds gone, but we’re all on edge.

I’m shocked we never lost power. Internet will probably be out for days, but obviously my cell phone is working. Woke up to a hellscape of raining down ash and orange sky; I didn’t know what to do about the kids and school. I got a call that school would run as usual, so drove through the mess of downed power lines and tree branches in the road to Theo’s school, only to be met by an administrator who told us we should head home since the school was in no condition to be open and half the staff wasn’t going in. I didn’t bother to check Bobby’s school (and glad I didn’t, as just a few minutes ago I got the call from that school to come pick up our kids for the day). So we’re here doing non-internet things, and waiting. I don’t imagine this will be resolved any time soon. The destruction is massive and infrastructure is seriously damaged everywhere. I’m glad we at least get two more weeks of Biden before the Orange turd takes over and tells us to go fuck ourselves because we don’t worship him. 

Today’s going to be a nail biter, for sure. Think good thoughts for us.