Dance like nobody's looking

I finally got to tell my sister about the new guy yesterday (she'd been on vacation and then catching up with work for about two weeks). Then last night he took me to meet his "family" - his parents are gone, so oddly enough the Hungarian/German relatives of his first wife have adopted him. Apparently they never see her but he hangs out with them all the time. They were lovely, warm people, and I could tell they had a great deal of affection for him. He told me he never took his ex-girlfriend of six months over there but took me in just a month of dating. Which says a lot about his regard for me and my place in his life.

And that place is huge. He talks a lot about our future - in somewhat guarded tones, because he doesn't want to freak me out - which is both thrilling and scary. Have I felt like I had a future with someone before and had it all fall apart horribly? Yes. Am I cautious now because of that? No. You only live once, you know? I say just go with your feelings, freely and without fear, dance like nobody's looking, and if it doesn't work out, fuck it. At least you had an interesting experience.

In one of my book clubs someone posited the question, would you rather be a 40 year old grandmother or a 40 year old virgin? I went for grandmother. I was quite shocked anyone would choose virgin, but quite a few people did. I think your answer to this question says a lot about your approach to life. 

So what will happen with this guy? Who the hell knows? I feel nothing but good things about him right now, and see a bright future. But I have felt this way about other people before, absolutely. Has he? He says no, that even with his two ex wives he didn't feel the way he does about me. Is he full of shit? I'd like to think not. 

It's funny that the things that trouble me are the little stupid things and not the big things. I have zero concerns about introducing him to the kids at some point, for example. But I am concerned about him potentially living here and where all our shit is going to go and what the hell I'm going to cook for him and am I going to be stuck doing his laundry and being a maid. Those things trouble me a lot because I know what happens when men and women get together - the woman just turns into a free housekeeper. I already have to do the work of three people and that is quite enough, thank you very much. 

These are the things I think about.

For today I am up in the play space with the kids (the best I can manage after three hours' sleep and on this triple-digit day) and then later tonight he's taking me out. I'm just going to take this one day at a time and try not to sweat the small stuff.

I think I can, I think I can...

Today marks just four weeks to my event - slightly less if you factor in that the final week is technically the beginning of my event so less prep time. It's right about now that I get jealous of people who are enjoying the final days of summer, going on fabulous vacations, etc...until I remember how hard they all work the entire rest of the year. I'll shut up now.

My mommy & me friend has bought a house in Maryland - they are officially moving in a few weeks. I'm sad. This is definitely the end of an era for all of us. It also means I have to hustle to make more stay at home mom friends to see us through the kids' remaining at home time (which for Theo is still four long years). 

Spent another great weekend with BO8RT in which he arrived each night after the kids were in bed, kept me up all night (*cough*), and then tiptoed out in the morning so I could spend all day doing kid stuff, only to shower, put on a little lipstick, shave my legs, and do it all again. Oh, he did buy me dinner and take me on a romantic drive into the mountains in between boinking, just in case you were wondering-!

I went to his work. It was fun watching his excitement as he showed me the machinery, the jobs he was currently working on, and how it all worked. I forget that guys do have a boyish quality with this stuff sometimes - they just want to impress you and have you say, "that's great, honey! Good job!" I still kind of suck at positive reinforcement but I will say having two little kids has made me way better at it. 

As you all know (and I'm sure some can relate to) this relationship stuff is completely alien to me. I'm just trying to apply things I've learned from being a parent to being with a man - compromise, be patient, ask "how can we do better?" instead of getting frustrated and shutting down, etc. Not that much of this has really come up yet at this stage in the game other than one instance when he was trying to be helpful last week and I was a total snatch to him and then apologized because it was the right thing to do, even though I felt like being defensive.

But can I do this? Do I have the capacity to juggle a (currently) demanding business, two little kids, and a grown man? Other people seem to be able to pull it off. I think I can. All you can do is try, right?

Go on

My event is a month away. A month. I should probably be losing it about now. But I'm not. It might be because I'm distracted by two small children and a new relationship, or it could be that I've done it seventeen times, have delegated a lot, and am very much on top of it and focused because if I'm not the event will fail, I'll lose the house, and we'll be on the street.

Bobby has moved up to the three-year-old class at school. He has had accidents every day. Good times. 

Theo is walking all of the time now and is so ridiculously cute and cuddly I see why I wanted another baby when Bobby was this age.

Don't worry. I am not thinking of kids with BO8RT. He is "snipped" and I am old. At least we don't have to worry about any oopsies! 

I'm going to visit him at his work tomorrow. He works at (runs?) a print shop that mostly makes car valet cards. He's a blue collar guy - doesn't make much money and works long hours laboring over this complex machinery. He is convinced he will make a lot more money in the future as the business expands. We'll see if he's for real or just a dreamer. Fortunately I didn't expect someone to be highly educated or a professional to be with me (I mean, what the fuck am I? A high school graduate who lucked out with a successful business). He's supported entire families before so I know he can do it. Anyway as long as he's gainfully employed and can pay for the occasional dinner, I'm good!

Details

So, for those of you who missed my last post, BO8RT and I like, totally did it this weekend. I had hopes that having pushed two babies out of my vag would make the first time out after five years not painful. Um...nope. But it's all good.

Friday he came over to "watch a movie". He showed up with a giant, beautiful flower arrangement (awwwwww). The movie (Going Clear) turned out to be corrupted on my dvr so we made out instead. I didn't want him to leave so I asked if he'd stay over if it was ok if we just cuddled. He did and we did.

Honestly - I was a ball of anxiety that day before he came over. I became absolutely obsessed with thoughts of my last "relationship" before I decided to go the Smc route. It was the last time something went from 0-60 like this, the last time someone was so attentive and did and said all the right things...only to have it crash and burn just a few weeks later when I realized this person was a lazy, entitled sociopath who would have sucked the life out of me had I not cut it off at the pass. All I could think about was, is this guy going to be the same? Is he going to be another horrible let down? Or even darker thoughts - is he a rapist? Is he a child molester? What am I getting into???

I sometimes have issues with anxiety. I've mentioned that, right?

Anyway. As soon as I saw his sweet face coming up the stairs I just knew everything would be ok. We talked all night, got no sleep, and then the next day I did kid stuff while he went to work and then he took me to a Chemical Brothers concert where I did not, despite my fears, have a panic attack, and then he stayed over again but it was so freaking late by the time we got home that we both just collapsed in bed and slept. 

But then last night after he worked again and I had a pleasant day at a kid's birthday party on the beach, he came over and we totally did it. And it hurt and I was off my game having not experienced sex with another person in the room since 2010. But that's to be expected, and it was actually a lovely experience despite how anxious I was about it

It kind of reminded me of my first time at the old age of 20. It hurt and was kind of awkward for me but I was with someone I really liked and felt really safe with, so it was ok. That feeling safe thing is very important.

Later he grabbed my hand and told me he adored me. He's a very special guy. He really is.

How did we manage all this with the kids in the house? Well, they slept through everything and he would leave in the morning before they got up. It's far from ideal, but really, what are our options? 

It's fascinating to be with a "real man" who has tons of relationship experiences and is so open about his feelings. I can see how many women would find this off putting - he can be very feminine that way - but luckily for him, I don't. Perhaps being raised on 70s and 80s androgynous rock stars has some benefit after all. 

So, what now? Well, we have yet to really state we're in a relationship but I know that's just around the corner, just like the jettisoning of other daters was. And introducing the kids? No idea. All in due time. No rush.

We have all the time in the world.

This weekend

I believe this weekend's activities can be summed up by the following video:

https://youtu.be/lQlIhraqL7o

Relationship in progress...

Last night I had my final (for now?) first coffee date. The guy was very nice and funny and smart...but had zero sex appeal (to me). I was a bit nervous going into it because I really thought he could give BO8RT a run for his money. But he only confirmed what I already knew about online dating - it's hard. You meet so many people, you message so many more, but there's always something not quite right for you or the other person. So often when someone would message me I'd look at their picture and think, "I can't have sex with that face." I'm sure many people thought that about me, too. So, that's it for the first dates. 

I deleted all of my online profiles and took the apps off my phone. BO8RT told me the night before that he had done the same, unbidden by me. This does not mean we're exclusive...yet. He is still "talking" to other people. I would say this bothers me, except that a) I had a date with someone else last night, and b) even I don't feel entirely ready to just be "all his" even though I've cut off all avenues to meet anyone else. Mostly I did that because I'm just tired of making the effort. 

He knows there will be no *ahem* until it's just us. I hope I can stick to that. We're spending another weekend together coming up. It's going to be hard not to jump his bones, girl, I'm not gonna lie.

It's been five years since I had sex. If you consider someone twisting their limp dick into a point and stuffing it in you only to give up after a couple of minutes and apologize while you stare awkwardly at the ceiling, having sex. The last time I enjoyed sex with someone? Probably about 2005. Ten years, people. Ten years. 

But this isn't about sex. This is about the very real possibility of being in a real, loving relationship with a person, something I have not experienced in easily over 20 years. Naturally I'm thrilled that there's even a possibility of this, but it's scary, too. Can I trust this person? Can I trust him around my kids? He's going to want to come into my life and change things - do I want that? I've been proud and strong and single for so long - do I want a partner? Do I want to expose my kids to possible abandonment, exactly what I was hoping to avoid for them?

Or do I just stay single and celibate forever? Guess which one I'd choose!

Saturday

So I had my Smc meeting and was delighted to hear of three more pregnancies. At this rate, nearly all of our members are either pregnant or moms; one is pregnant with #2. I had always wanted this group to be "thinker/tryer" focused, and it was for a while, but it does seem like our demographic is changing. Perhaps soon we'll have to do playgrounds rather than brunches.

Then I brushed out my hair and put on lipstick and went to see BO8RT. We were supposed to just spend a couple of hours together...but...well, let's just say I put in several calls to the baby kennel to delay my pickup time. 

We lay on a blanket in Griffith Park and groped each other. We walked around. We drove around. We got dinner. We talked about anything and everything. He played me songs on his phone. I played him songs on my phone. He kept telling me how pretty I am and how amazing I am. Umm, more please!

I'm pretty fascinated by how different dating is now than it was in my 20s and 30s. I mean, I'm dating the same people - it's the same generation of guys, just that we're all older. I don't know if I'm just choosing better people or just have lucked out or am putting out a different, sexier energy, but I'm delighted by all the sexual attention being directed at me (except for the Text Rapist. That guy can fuck right off). I mean, when I did online dating before, every guy I met treated it like a frigging job interview; even the couple of times I went on more than one date with someone they were just cold fish who didn't want to touch me. Maybe we all have lowered expectations in our middle age-? God knows, BO8RT is not some incredibly hot, good looking guy. But I find myself very drawn to him because he's just so thoughtful and open and compassionate. I told him the story of what happened with my mother and he had tears in his eyes. He really cares about people, without being a pussy. Which is a rare thing.

So now after a lovely weekend it's time to get back to reality. Diaper changes, cooking several meals a day, wiping spilled food off the floor, shuttling kids in the car, customer service for my event which looms a mere six weeks away. Yikes.

We don't have a fourth date set, but I'm not even worried about it. We text all day long, and we're both pretty smitten. It's great for once to not be made to feel insecure. Such a rare feeling.