Obligatory pumpkin patch visit

Despite the snarkiness of this title, we actually had a fun time today. I guess it goes to show when you're determined to have a good time, you do. So despite the fact that:

When we were getting ready this morning T spit up all over the kitchen floor and then crawled in it, and

Some asshole on the 118 mouthed "bitch" at me as I passed him (what the hell is wrong with people??? I gave him a "what the fuck is your problem?" stare down as I passed), and

Bumpus had multiple screaming meltdowns all day; much of the day was spent with Theo lunging unhappily in the Ergo while I tried to steer the stubborn double stroller with one hand while dragging a screaming Bumpus by his arm through the hay with the other, and

I went as part of a new meetup group and yet never was able to connect with anyone, so spent the day alone, and

I had to spend $30 for entrance fees when I thought it was going to be $3, and

I had the unpleasantness of trying to explain to a two-year-old that yes, I know you want to go on that train ride "right now!!!", but you have to get back in the stroller so we can go all the way across the farm to buy tickets to then come back and ride the train (note to self: fucking buy long strip of tickets before your kid sees anything they want to do), and

I had to several times at the sand box jump up and tell B to stop grabbing other people's pumpkins and kicking them, while holding Theo on my boob, and

I had to endure yet another in a series of bitchy grandmothers reprimanding my son because he wouldn't immediately let her grandkid have something he just started playing with just because they wanted it right now, and

I could not, for the life of me, remember where we parked, so was stuck with 17 pound space heater on my chest (Theo) and awkward, difficult to steer double stroller in the uneven dirt for ages in the hot sun going up and down aisles looking for our car, and

Both kids screamed and whined the entire 1 1/2 hour ride home...yes! Despite all this, believe it or not, we still had a great time! We picked out pumpkins, Bobby got to go on a train and in the jump house which would have been impossible last year, I got cute pictures, and one woman took one look at me with my toddler and baby and said, "girl, you frigging rock." And watching all the very pregnant women chase their toddlers around, I thought, man, am I glad that's not me anymore!!!

Many times today I thought how much easier this would be with a partner. Having two children instead of one has really brought this issue home for me, and it sucks, and I hate, hate, hate admitting it. But there's no denying it. Putting aside the "guys never help anyway" argument, let's assume they do help, even a little. Days like this would be 10,000 times easier, and more fun, with a partner. There, I said it. Being a single parent of two little kids is fucking brutal. It takes every ounce of physical, mental, and emotional strength I have to get through it. But you do get through it, and all parents struggle, and all parents understand that outings like this, holidays, and vacations, are not for you to enjoy right now. They're for your kids to enjoy. And somehow right now I'm ok with that. 

I've got the words, I've got the tune

So last night I entrusted a new sitter with the day-into-night care of both kids while I drove up to UC Santa Barbara to play an awards dinner. It was nerve wracking because I've never used her before nor do I typically leave the kids unless they're already in bed asleep and don't even know I'm gone...but in an effort to start building towards my future freedom, I need to let some of that "but I'm the only one who can make Bobby dinner!"-control-y stuff go. And of course everything went fine. The kitchen table was greasy and Bobby was sleeping with the light on and came bounding into my room first thing this morning because his door was unlocked, but hey - I think I can say I've found an excellent candidate for future all-weekend sitter.

I have finally used up all the milk I pumped for my event six weeks ago, which means I am chained to the pump again every time I need to go out. If this pump weren't on loan I would burn it in effigy once all this is over. Spring can't come soon enough. Once everyone is outside my body and off the boob I plan on doing yet another thing I swore I'd never do which is get a tattoo commemorating the fact. Long term readers of this blog will get the connection when you see it. 

I am beginning to think my very presence at night is waking young Theo every couple of hours. Our sleep is horrible. If it weren't for the couple of hours in the late morning when I plunk him in his playpen full of toys in the living room while I go back to bed I would be a basket case. I am plotting to take up residence on the day bed in the attic space for the foreseeable future. There is nowhere else T can sleep (I wouldn't put him up there due to fall hazards), so I'm curious if I slept elsewhere for a while if he'd stop constantly waking. Possible? I don't know, it's just a theory. I've been super wishy-washy about this whole sleep thing mostly because every time I think I need to do something dramatic, suddenly we have a few good nights...only to have a bunch of awful nights follow. So I may try sleeping upstairs. Or not. 

Here is a pic of Theo charming the pants off a dance friend in her mid-nineties today:

Go towards the light...

It's 6:30 and both kids are in bed and asleep. Heck yes.

Remember that time before you had kids where you were horrified to hear mothers say they needed a "break" from their kids, or didn't understand that weird manic energy women get when they're out at night with other adults after days or weeks of being around babies and toddlers? I think I know what Friedan's "problem that has no name" is - it's the normal adult need to be around other adults. I kind of envy those people who prefer the company of children. If you know me at all you know I am not one of them. 

All of this is to say I had a great time singing with my band last night and look forward to all our other gigs this month - even the three long distance ones (San Diego, Santa Barbara). And yes, after a fun night out with friends I found today's endless slog a lot more tolerable. Even enjoyable, dare I say it.

I talked with my bandleader a bit more about travel. Our early in the year stuff may be set in stone without me - that includes DC and one in Rochester in June. But it's ok. Really, the longer I wait, the better - Theo being weaned and sleeping through the night, Bobby being potty trained - the more these things are established the better. Just being able to talk about it makes me happy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, people. 

I've heard it said that all you need in life is something to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I don't always have all these things, but today I do. Huzzah!

Freeeeeeeeedommmm...???

So I spent all last weekend bitterly "watching" all my friends and my band playing and enjoying a fun dance event in New Orleans via Facebook. Contrary to what I had originally thought when I stopped touring with my band, the traveling offers are not in fact drying up, they are multiplying. We have used a few local singers to fill in for me. And I expected to stay off the road for years, maybe permanently. But Abby's suggestion that I find someone to keep the kids home during my next event really made me start thinking...maybe I can start leaving the kids for a weekend here and there. Maybe I need it for my sanity. And maybe it's not such a bad thing to have someone, or a couple of people, I can trust with the 24-hour care of my two kids for a couple of days. Once I'm no longer breastfeeding - which is only months away now - really, why not?

Ideally I would like my San Diego babysitter for this, but she's not always available (and my prediction is she will be pregnant again in a few months and no longer able to sit for me), so I hit up a friend's nanny who is one of these gal Friday types who's always available for long term or short term personal assisting/babysitting/whatever jobs (God bless these people). She came by yesterday to meet the kids and get the general lay of the house, since I am going to use her for an all day-into night gig in Santa Barbara next Tuesday. I was going to pass on the gig entirely - I get kind of weird and control-y about being the one to feed the kids dinner and put them to bed - but this gig pays $450 so I'd be an idiot not to do it. And besides...wouldn't it be nice to let someone else have the frustrating job known as feeding a two-year-old dinner for once? Also, I'm considering this an audition for any possible weekend gigs - including next year's event. 

I told my bandleader to consider me "in" for 2015. Our first thing is a pretty prestigious gig in DC around the time I will probably want to wean T (April). I don't know if these promoters, spoiled by two years of not having to pay for me, will be willing to have me back on board. There may not be anything for me, after all this. But the possibility of it makes me giddy. 

And then there's the kids. Leaving them for two nights doesn't thrill me - but I have to say, being as I spend all day, day and night, as their sole caretaker, I kind of don't feel that bad about it, either. There's Skype, there's FaceTime on phones. And it's two nights, not a week. I think having trips like this to look forward to every few months could really boost my general outlook on life. I would probably break even or lose money doing it, but...who cares? Free trip! Sleep all night! No poopy diapers! No negotiating food/shoes/teeth brushing! Getting to hang out with sardonic jazz musicians, wear awesome vintage outfits, and dance? Yes, please!

Here is Bobby holding one of my all-time favorite books. That's my feminist boy!

Takin' care of business

Despite having zero plans, we had a nice day today. I can't say I know why things are suddenly better for us. Is it me? Is it a hormonal thing? Is it Bobby suddenly behaving better and so I'm happier? Is Mercury no longer in retrograde? Who knows. All I know is whatever desperation and depression I felt a couple of weeks ago is gone. B still has irrational freak outs much of the time, but somehow I seem better able to handle it. Maybe it is the promise of three days "to myself" thanks to three day preschool that has in fact made a difference.

Theo is keeping me up all night. He is practicing standing, crawling, sitting, and rolling all night long, accompanied by triumphant squawking. For some time now I've been tiptoeing out to the living room couch early in the morning in order to catch a few more minutes' sleep, but now I'm considering absconding to the attic all night just to see if my presence is waking him. It's possible, but the fact that he wakes up even when a sitter is here tells me that may not be the case. Maybe once he gets past this milestone the sleep will get better...?

I sent out my "hire" email to next year's teachers (mostly this year's teachers). Not surprisingly most of them want more money. Yet another reason to raise my prices, if I didn't have enough reason already (read: my empty bank account). I am determined to not dilly dally about getting my event set up this year - last year I really blew it waiting too long to hire people. I want at least my offers out there so I can start piecing things together and getting a picture of what my eighteenth event is going to look like. 

Havin' a heat wave

We're on the tail end of yet another wicked heat wave. I went into this weekend full of dread, facing a deadly combo of triple digit temperatures and no plans. And had I written last night it would have been a very different post. But luckily we got a last minute invite to a birthday party today where we had a nice time, and it killed the whole day, so I came home feeling pretty content instead of my usual exhausted and crabby.

I am sooooo looking forward to fall. I don't know what fall is supposed to look like in Southern California anymore - we had no fall nor winter last year at all, just one impossible endless dry summer. Time was when winter meant icy nights and rain every few days. Now...I don't know. 

I just can't catch a break financially. Last night I checked my credit card balance on the assumption that I was doing a decent job keeping my expenses down, preparing to pat myself on the back...and was horrified to see that with three weeks  in my billing cycle still left, I owe over $3000! Apparently a "pending" charge from the hotel I thought I covered with my last payment was not covered. Ughhhh. So now my money will run out even sooner than expected - I should be flat broke by December. Sucks. I did find a way to borrow from myself interest-free, it will just cost me later...but I'm not worried about later. Some older male friends I told about my price increase plans told me I need to tick them up even higher, that I shouldn't just aim to make enough to just get by. They're so right. See? Think like a man.

Things have been good with me and Bobby. He repeats everything I say, imitates my gestures, thinks everything I think is funny or cool is funny and cool, treats the baby the way I treat the baby (kisses, pats on the bottom, etc). As much as I look forward every day to the day these boys are older, I also dread the day they don't think things I like are cool and that I magically know everything. I never stopped revering my mother (or at least her impeccable taste), so it's possible they won't one day think I'm a big dork. But I won't count on it.

I raised the straps on B's car seat and bingo! No more escaping. Thank god for google, huh?

A day at the Getty

Not much to report today except that I had a nice visit to the Getty museum (one of my favorite places in LA) with a couple of SMCs and their babies.  And I just had to show off these ridiculously cute pictures of Theo (ignore the bruises on his forehead from the constant bonking):