Rainy days & Fridays

I think things are returning to somewhat normal around here. B still cries when I leave the room, but he is content in any of his containing devices (jumper-living room, playpen-dining room, Go Pod-kitchen, crib-bedroom) as long as I'm nearby. His extreme fussiness after this trip, and my resulting frustration and exhaustion, really makes me question future non-essential travel with him. It seems the more people I talk to/hear from on this issue, the more people seem to have decided to just not travel for a few years. Although one person last night told me their one-year-old niece can already play basic games on an IPod Touch, so at least maybe by next holiday season B can be entertained by a device of some sort.

This doesn't solve the problem of band travel - one gig confirmed for August, three more in the works, two others I've already passed on. I should just pass on them all, honestly. But I don't want to let the band down, and I do enjoy the stimulation these jobs offer. I thought of maybe bringing a sitter along - I know one girl who might be game - but when you add up buying her flight, paying food for three days, plus paying her, we're into thousands, and these gigs rarely make more than $700 or $800 or so. So maybe by the summer I won't mind throwing money down the toilet - and BOY would it be helpful to have someone else on the flight with me. But I have no idea what B will be like by next summer. He might be a nightmare, who knows? Ugh! I wish people would just stop frigging hiring us already!

For now it is pleasantly rainy and cozy here. I have been baking up a storm and cooking as if to prepare for a major disaster. I get a slight inferiority complex when I see all the people on FB with their trees and decorations already up; I will do all this next week. This week is all about recovery!

And work on my event. It dawned on me that tomorrow is Dec 1st and I still have no pricing structure in place, I am short three bands, and have no themes selected. So yesterday I emailed a bunch of bands, put the schedule online, and started work on the online registration form. Now is when I have to make all the decisions that will affect me until fall of 2014. Can you see why I sometimes get paralyzed and just can't make any decisions? It's very daunting. But it has to be done, and now. Registration opens Feb 1, which will coincide with all of my money running out. But at least I've been aggressively saving, so in case I get into trouble I have a small safety net (which I'd much rather use to build a sleeping loft in my attic than to pay my water bill, but you've gotta do what you gotta do, right?).

Here's a pic of me DJing last night:

Separation Anxiety

Not sure if we've hit this milestone or if we're both just discombobulated from the trip, but Bumpus has been super clingy/needy/whiny/cry-y the last two days. It's like having a newborn all over again - only one that weighs 20 pounds and can pull my hair out, put bruises all over my arms and legs from kicking, and never sit still for a dressing or diaper change. Agh!

Normally we have a pleasant, quiet home with only the sounds of toys and B chattering to himself. This week it's been blood-curdling screams every time I even make a motion to get up and leave the room, even if I don't actually leave the room. Almost non-stop crying, even when I'm right there. I would question if he's sick or in pain except for the fact that he is immediately happy the minute I pick him up. If this goes on much longer I may just revert to newborn tactics and strap him to me in a carrier all day. He's obviously going through something, I just don't know what, or how long it'll last. But boy do I wish I had my jolly little guy back!

For me, I am somewhat exhausted and fed up, but I think I'm putting a good face on. The band recently got an offer to play a weekend event in Canada in May, and as always I have mixed feelings - it's a great opportunity for us, and personally I'd love to do it. But what about the kid? Do I take him? Who watches him when I sing? Do I leave him behind? Will he be weaned by then? Would anyone be willing to watch him for a whole weekend, and if so, at what cost? Is fifteen months too young to be left behind (I'm thinking probably yes)? I can sub out and get another singer of course. But I do really hate having to make these decisions. So glad he'll only be a little baby once! Someday soon I'll never have to ask myself these questions ever again. That's very freeing.

In other news, I noticed I lost a follower in the last couple of days. It's always kind of an odd thing - I try to tell myself it probably has nothing to do with me; someone was maybe cleaning out old blogs off their list, or just isn't interested in the topic anymore, or canceled their account, any number of things. But then the sensitive side wonders if I said something that offended someone, or if I got boring or monotonous, or since I had the baby the drama is over so I'm no longer interesting. In short, is it something I said? Makes me wonder.

For now I am very busily booking my schedule for the holiday season, responding YES to every invite I get, because I want to get out and enjoy myself as much as possible. Most of these events are Bumpus-friendly so I'll be taking him, but for example this Saturday I'm seeing a movie, so it's to the Baby Kennel we go. Can't wait, personally - I desperately need a break-!

Nipples o' Fire

I think the above title pretty much sums up my holiday weekend. Oh, there was more to it than that, of course. But I'm experiencing yet another episode of breastfeeding-related pain, and it ruled this last week. Months ago it was all-over achy pain; this time it's just the nipples, from being suctioned all night, clamped between hard gums, pulled like taffy and yanked across the room. It's not surprising, then, that they have reacted by feeling like they're on fire all the time. I've never loved my deliciously cool silicone nipple guards more than I do now. Looking for this phase to end real soon!

So, the holiday. Let me just say it was a really nice visit, the seemingly impossible challenge of flights with baby, rental car, driving in the middle of the night to the b&b, etc, all went seamlessly. Everything just worked out. And Bumpus delighted his relatives, and it was a joy to see how much they enjoyed him. But as when I critique a piece of writing and pick it apart for analysis, this doesn't mean I don't like it. So yes, it was a great trip. But here is the breakdown:

B was ok on the outgoing flight because he slept a lot; return was miserable. He is just too big, strong, and full of energy to do this anymore. I am considering shelling out the dough for the extra seat from now on. To spare my neighbors I walked the aisles nearly the whole 5 1/2 hour flight. Thank God for the Ergo! Otherwise he was just a kicking, squirming, back-arching, nipple-tearing maniac. At least I don't have to fly with him again for a LONG time, probably not until summer. Maybe by then I can shell out $1000 for an extra seat. Because this whole thing? This is not happening again, period.

Our troubled sister was ok - no weird incidents - but she sure does know how to shut down a conversation. She has her obsessions - hatred of the wealthy, fear of having no retirement, and her peri-menopause. Even as we were giving thanks around the table she brought it back around to how they have no money in the bank, no savings (join the club!) And she talked endlessly about her hair loss, hormonal issues, rages, hot flashes, etc. What do you say to a person who is always at the end of their rope, who is always miserable, year after year, who's life pretty much sucks, and never gets better? There's only so much sympathy you can offer. I know people got this way with me years ago before I decided to get happy and stop draining everyone. I feel bad for her, but sometimes I wish she'd just lighten up, even if only for a minute.

The weather ended up being very cold, which really restricted our movements. We kind of couldn't do anything, which was kind of a bummer because it's such a neat area with lots of fun activities (Western Mass). Still, with the cold and the baby and the general exhaustion, it was just as well. I have a whole new appreciation for you ladies who raise kids in cold climates, good Lord!

I never did get to sit and enjoy a meal with my family because of the baby, and that sucked. I did feel like my personal experience of the holiday was sort of thwarted, but oh well, it's not about me anymore, right? ;)

I mentioned the story of my friend who unintentionally insulted us (by telling her son B's father left us) and my step mother pointed out that she's a loose cannon, I don't know what she'll say around me, so I don't feel safe around her. Which I think perfectly articulates why I haven't called her back despite her attempts to contact me. Made me feel a little better about it.

I stayed in a solar-powered farm b&b with llamas and goats and peacocks, run by aging hipsters. Will for sure stay again, it was delightful!

And now...Christmas!!!

8 months

Too heavy for a Monday morning?

Yesterday I wrote this whole post about being afraid of the toddler years, only to have it disappear when I tried to add a photo. This updated blogger app blows, by the way. But at least it gave me more time to think through these fears and come to the root of them. And the root isn't pretty.

I spent the day with shall we say "spirited" boys, and it kind of freaked me out, as hanging out with other people's children pretty much always does. I was sitting there holding my sweet, innocent, compliant little baby who pretty much has no power, and watching as the older boys poked each others eyes out with sticks, threw sand in each other's faces after repeatedly being told to not to throw sand in each other's faces, and sticking their tongues out at their mothers. It was a nightmare. And I was left asking myself the same question I always ask myself - is this bad parenting, or is this just the way kids are? Which means, Bumpus will some day be like this, too!

Everyone I know with toddlers appears to be struggling (well, based on their Facebook updates, anyway). It just looks so hard. Of course many of them have toddlers and new babies, which is harder. But I still live in terror of the day B becomes angry, defiant, and disrespectful. And it makes me ask the hard question - will I stop loving him if he's like that?

Of course not, you say. He's your son, your blood. He could turn out to be a serial killer and you would still love him (while disapproving of his "choices"). But. Things are a little different from my perspective, because the minute I expressed an opinion of my own and tried to show my mother I was an independent person, she cut me off, and we haven't spoken since. That was essentially the end of our relationship. Could this happen to us?

I also want to tell myself "of course not, you're not a narcissist, and you already respect B as a human being and accept he has a right to his own personality, which your mother never did." But those fears are still there. Sure, it's easy to say that NOW, when he's so easy and a delight to be around. What happens when he's difficult? When we have a series of days of non-stop tantrums and crappy behavior, despite my best efforts? That's bound to happen, right? Even with no divorce or moving or instability? Every kid does that sometimes, right? And normal parents get through it and have a sense of humor. But am I normal?

I suppose it'll be like everything else, where you're just "in it" and you hardly notice the bad times, and there are far more good times. Right now I get little to no sleep, B destroys my nipples, and sometimes whines all evening for no apparent reason. None of these things are particularly pleasant, yet I just go through them because, frankly, I have no other choice. And the hours and hours of constant smiles and cuteness more than makes up for these things.

But I admit it. I'm scared of Bumpus getting older and being a rotten little kid, and not knowing what to do, and not loving him anymore. This scares the crap out of me.

Meeting & Greeting

Aha! At last my Pasadena SMC group is having a meeting that I know about! It's not their fault; I have issues with my Yahoo account and so signing into the group is a real pain, especially since it's best done on the computer, not the phone, and as you know I rarely touch my computer these days because it's so clunky (and I have pretty much ceded the office to the dog at this point). But for some reason I got a string of emails from them about their monthly meeting which is tomorrow...and as long as it doesn't rain, I will finally get to meet some local SMCs! Can't wait!

Yesterday I joined one of my mommy's groups for a downtown LA adventure, which was fun. But I have to say I feel slightly alienated by all the husband talk. Again, not their fault, and they have all been very nice and welcoming to me. But there's something uncomfortably familiar about joining an already established group - they already have their friendships established, and it's my job to try to fit in. It just reminds me of the millions of times I had to do this as a kid since we constantly moved house, with resultant changing of schools, sometimes even in the middle of a school year. It's not fun trying to assimilate yourself into a closed group. So there were times yesterday where I found myself staring into space alone while everyone talked amongst themselves, and for sure being single just makes me feel like I don't belong. At one point I even found myself saying, "oh yeah, we have hardwood floors, too." And who is this "we", exactly? Me and Bumpus, I guess!

It reminded me of how amazed I am that my single girlfriend relationships haven't changed at all since the baby. Those were the relationships that I thought would suffer the most, and yet they have flourished. It really makes me think that it's not children that put a wedge between women, it's husbands! Either that or bitching about men is such a huge part of my life that I still need my single gals to get together and bitch with. So, we still have that in common, apparently!

It's funny because I get this weird attitude when I'm in the married mommy group like these women are all "held down" somehow, even though I know this can't be true. Is this something I tell myself to make myself feel better, superior? Probably. That and years of conditioning from an angry feminist mother (who ironically threw her whole life away over men...as you do). Just the way they talk about their husbands...and it's never negative, mind you...but I see how many choices they don't get because they have to compromise all the time, especially when it comes to parenting. Not getting to choose the name you really want for your kid, for example. Just all those little indignities that go along with sharing your life with another adult.

Although I have a situation right now that I could really use a husband for. My bandleader booked us to play a free benefit tonight from midnight until 2 am, way down in south Orange County (over an hour drive). I originally agreed as we do this every year (though normally not in the middle of the night), but yesterday I got to thinking how insane this will be - B usually goes to bed around ten, so dragging a sleeping baby out at that hour, into a loud, bright environment, where nobody will be able to watch him while I sing, hours away in the cold (and possibly rain), to get home at 3 am and try to get us both back to sleep - and for free? I don't know why I agreed to this. I'm going to tell him I can't come. However if I had someone at home who could watch the sleeping baby for a few hours, I would go. So, I guess those husbands are good for something!

First Christmas plans

Yesterday I went to Ikea "just to look". $115 and two giant bags later, I had bought 20 jars for "gift in a jar" Christmas gift ideas, a spring form pan, a laundry basket, candles, soft toys for Bumpus, and several other things. Buying the toys for B gave me kind of a funny thought. For this first Christmas, when I'll be home alone and Bumpus won't really understand the concept, how do I handle the whole "gift" thing?

I figured I'd buy him presents, of course, and I'm sure the relatives and some friends will send things. But it's kind of funny to think of Bumpus seeing me buy the gifts, watch me wrap them, and then have him open them. Not that he'll grasp any of this at nine months, but it kind of cracks me up.

Then I started thinking about future Christmases when he does grasp the concept - and I've decided I am "doing" Santa (that sounds wrong). Then I started thinking about how the Santa presents should have special wrapping paper, different from the Mommy gifts. And then I started thinking, does Santa bring mommy gifts, too? Should I buy myself something and wrap it just for fun?

So many new things to think about!!! I've been on such a Christmas frenzy lately, and it's all kind of funny since Bumpus won't understand any of it! He will, however, see pictures of his first Christmas one day, and he'll want to know about it.

Today I hit up the dollar stores for cheap decor. Once upon a time I got my pregnancy tests there. My how times have changed!