tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26888102729142038132024-03-22T12:38:13.853-07:00Chasing The Gerber DragonJust further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.comBlogger1538125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-83478086829016953762024-03-22T12:37:00.001-07:002024-03-22T12:37:40.743-07:00Kicking the can down the road I got the hotel proposal, but only for 2026. It was, thank god, a good offer, with no ballroom rental fee and a guest room rate only $30 higher than our current rate (as opposed to $90 which was what I was expecting). So relief all around, there. However -<div><br></div><div>I emailed back to bring in the subject of adding a day and night on to my program, and she wanted to talk on the phone, so we just did. Adding the night is no issue for 2026, but may not be possible next year due to another group using the space. Kinda sucks but kind of ok, too - also, it may turn out we can use it. However, the one thing that happened that raised red flags for me was the fact that they only want to give me contracts for two years. In the past they’ve never done less than three - and my current set is five years. I asked why and she said “they’re just not contracting anyone beyond 2027.” She also said that she pleaded my case to “finance” and they all agreed I was the best fit for that weekend - which, I guess, is nice, but the fact that they had to have a meeting to consider if they even want me anymore was a bit concerning. So I feel a bit…I don’t know…strung along? Like, we’ll keep you until 2027 but after that you could be replaced. The most likely issue is they’re unwilling to get into long term commitments - which I get - and want to see if they can “do better” in three or four years’ time. I guess I should be grateful they’re giving me a good deal and my place is (or will be, unless something happens between now and signing) secure until 2028. But it’s also possible the reason they don’t want to commit is something like the hotel is set to be sold or demolished. I mean I guess I shouldn’t be worried about things I have no control over - most likely I will continue to have a good relationship with them for as long as the event lasts. But I also might be moving location or weekend by 2028 which is a bit scary. Oh well…I guess we just kicked that can down the road a few years, but it’s still going to have to be dealt with. Sigh.</div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime, Bobby turns twelve on Sunday, and the next two days are going to be all about packing and preparing for our RV trip to the Death Valley star camp (two nights), Trona pinnacles (one night), Glamis hot springs resort (two nights), boondocking by the Kelso dunes (one night), Mitchell caverns tour, and then home. Then the boys just have two months of school left, I’ve got to sort out what will probably be their last year at cheap rec center summer camp (Bobby ages out after this year), and then BAM my event is upon me. </div><div><br></div><div>Spring has sprung around here and summer is constantly on my mind. I know I’ll regret it later, but boy I can’t wait for it to be hot and school to be over. I’m going to give the boys more free time this summer - I figure I’ll only have them in camp the month before school starts (assuming I even make it in - last year I barely did). Talk has begun for 6th grade culmination stuff - picnics, softball games, graduation itself, which hopefully my sister can come out for. It’ll be Bobby’s first *real* graduation, shifting from one school to another, since preschool. I don’t know if he’ll have another until actual high school graduation. Then our lives change forever when he starts at the junior high down the road and and he and Theo are separated again for two years. It’s hard to get a sense of what, if anything, he thinks about all this. Maybe these kids don’t overthink and catastrophize the way I did/do. At least he’ll be with friends. It was super cute, and heartwarming, to see him at his birthday party with all these kids he’s known since he was five. I never had that, but I’m so glad they do. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_6190_2aad_1885_49f1" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1CbZkLT_h8Zz8xWcs_6aEyZXVOG7rMVeo" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-77946579852888463642024-03-18T10:07:00.001-07:002024-03-18T10:07:56.148-07:00Birthday gauntlet almost completeThis weekend was the much anticipated (read: feared) dual birthday party at the trampoline park. I got myself a bit worked up fearing the overstimulation and chaos I knew was coming. But in the end, it was actually pretty ok. We had about 17-18 kids total, way too much (terrible) pizza we later “donated” to the local homeless encampment, just enough cake, and mostly gift cards for presents, which alleviated my fears of the house filling up with plastic crap again. The check-in process was a bit crazy - some parents left their kids to figure out how to check in on their own, and of course there were always problems (unsigned waivers, couldn’t find waiver, etc etc) and kids were just wandering around aimlessly not knowing where to go or what to do. Luckily I knew these kids (they weren’t Theo’s new friends I don’t recognize) and so was able to grab them and fix whatever issue was happening at the desk. It was a real eye opener as to how helpless kids still are at this age. It’s easy to forget, sometimes. <div><br></div><div>Enough parents stayed that I got to chat with, and I have to say it was nice reconnecting with these people after so long. Naturally most of the conversation was about junior high next year, and also how much everyone hates the new principal at our old school (lots of comments like “you got out just in time”). Most of the kids in Bobby’s class will also be going to the same Jr/sr high - I think for many of them it was kind of the only option, since they made the decision to keep their kids in elementary school for 6th grade, all the most sought after jr highs with gifted programs filled up for 6th and have no spots for 7th. I wonder how many people intentionally held out for our school like we did, and how many found out the hard way they should have moved their kid last year. </div><div><br></div><div>Still, I’m glad Bobby will be going forward to a new school with so many friends. I never had this when I was his age, and I feel like it’ll make the transition so much easier. Also, selfishly, it’ll make me less anxious for him. His class toured the school last week and he seemed positive about it. I’m very much looking forward to whatever orientation they offer us as families before the school year starts - I have zero understanding of how the school works, or what we’ll be facing come August as far as drop offs/pick ups/homework, etc. I’m worried Bobby is not at all prepared for how hard it’s going to get. I do remember for myself how difficult it suddenly became in 7th grade - there was a lot more work, the material was much harder, and we were suddenly inflicted with mid term and final exams, which I loathed. Bobby is already forgetting homework and not doing well on these Latin root tests his class has been doing. It’s a delicate dance to know how much I should be breathing down his neck and how much I should be letting him figure it out. Unlike me at his age, though, he does not appear to be plagued by perfectionism, so I’m worried he doesn’t mind failing tests or not turning in work (things that would have horrified me at his age). Still, his teacher seems to think he’s doing just fine, so I don’t know how much I need to worry about all this. Well. I guess when he starts at the new school we’ll see how he does. </div><div><br></div><div>Now all we have left is Bobby’s actual birthday on Sunday - I’m going to drive to Santa Monica to try to get him a cookie puss cake from California’s only Carvel store again; then we’re officially done with “birthday season”. As always, it was exhausting and expensive. But everyone had a good time and was celebrated, so I feel good about it.</div><div><br></div><div>Next up, one more week of school and exercise classes and then we’re in an RV for a week. We’re going to a Death Valley “star camp” for two nights (a camping set up in Panamint valley with telescopes, a giant glowing chess set, and a tent set up with video games for the kids so they aren’t too miserable), then to the Trona pinnacles which I’ve always wanted to check out, then two nights at a hot spring resort with an atv rental on one of the days, then back up to the Mohave national preserve where we’re finally doing a tour of the Mitchell caverns. I’m hoping we can swing by Bombay beach as well to see what new art installations they have going on. I recently became a patron. </div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime, I’m tackling my existential dread head-on and am making strides towards securing new contracts with my hotel going forward. I finally got to chat with a friend of a friend who’s a higher up at another hotel chain, someone I kept missing over and over for weeks while I spun my wheels (she’s very busy), and the conversation was very helpful. She confirmed what I already knew - that because of new labor laws, it is impossible to get any kind of group room rate at hotels under $200/night these days, and that I should definitely be making decisions about adding food in to offset costs. She said I should ask the hotel for a proposal for the next few years, and I did. Once they put something together for me, she said she’d go over it. I’m very grateful to have someone helping with this process. But I’m also having realistic expectations as far as what they’re going to offer me. I think the future of this event is going to be much more expensive rooms with a much shorter window for booking - and I know I’m going to lose some people because of the rising costs, and I’m just going to have to live with that. When 2026 rolls around and our rates go up, I’m going to have to be transparent about why, and also give people a reasonable expectation as far as when rooms will sell out. Most people will get it. We all know everything has changed in the last few years, costs of everything have skyrocketed. At least I still have this year and next before the sticker shock moment. And hopefully I can add in that extra day and night next year to make people feel like they’re getting more event for the same price. Fingers crossed this all goes well. My entire future literally hinges on it. </div><div><br></div><div>Here’s a picture of Bobby being awkward at his birthday party (he is for sure my kid).</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_c95e_45fe_9e5e_f75a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1a4fyIqir3LLruKInHMJmCG5DnA2zNnuK" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-59727431346771169212024-03-14T10:13:00.001-07:002024-03-14T10:13:33.008-07:00No more single digits! Theo is tenThis big kid turned ten yesterday. We had a little family party with singing and a cake and a few presents - a Percy Jackson book set, a fancy head strap for his VR, a bubble gun and a solar robot kit. He seemed pleased. <div><br></div><div>What is Theo like, at ten? He’s very different from his brother, which means he’s very different from me. He’s easy going, social, extroverted. He’s a morning person, doesn’t get emotional at movies, and has recently been disliking more and more foods which makes it challenging for me (all he’ll eat for breakfast these days is applesauce). He’s excelling in math and doing well in school. Unlike last year’s birthday party disaster, this year he’s got ten kids coming from his old school and new school. The kid can dance. I hope he pursues that in some way. At ten, he still enjoys a cuddle, which is delightful. He’ll watch my trashy reality dating shows with me. My relationship with him is very different from my relationship with Bobby, just because they’re so different and need/want different things from me. But I sincerely hope they both feel equally loved, because that is definitely true. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_6a8b_aa9f_41a1_5f4b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1Q2JXSM4p9CM0wYWr8u5vcF5pKOYtJIrl" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-23199353584740031472024-03-12T09:40:00.001-07:002024-03-12T09:40:12.533-07:00He’s in!First thing this morning I got the acceptance letter that Bobby made it into the gifted program at Eagle Rock jr/sr high. So, years of speculation are now settled - he’s in! Coincidentally, all of the 6th grade classes are touring the school tomorrow, so that will be his first window into the next six years of his life. It was unlikely that he <i>wouldn’t </i>make it, but there was always that chance. I’m glad that’s settled. I hope the parents get another tour, too. It’s been a couple of years so I don’t remember much about it, and I have no idea how the school runs as far as how the schedule works for 7th graders. I *think* class starts a half hour later than Theo’s school (in California, junior and senior high schools are mandated to start no earlier than 8:30) but I don’t know when the school day ends or how much those start/end times are influenced by extracurriculars. We’ll find out! <div><br></div><div>Theo was wait listed for the gifted program for 5th grade, which was also no surprise. I imagine there’s a chance he’ll get in for 6th grade when a lot of kids leave for junior high - but even if he doesn’t make it next year, odds of him getting in to the gifted program at Bobby’s new school are pretty good, since he’ll have all the points I’ve gotten for him plus now “sibling points”. </div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime, it’s Theo’s last day of being nine. It’s funny to think that ten years ago I was starting to have labor pains but wasn’t sure if it was the real deal or not. That was my life a decade ago. It feels like a million years have passed. </div><div><br></div><div>This week I publish my final podcast episode. I have done twenty - two special “mental health” episodes to round out the season, two non-CS interviews, and sixteen ex-CS interviews. Personally, I could keep going - I’m going to take a short break, but only to see if I can get more subjects. The last thing I can try is to post in the main ex-CS FB group looking for people who want to tell their stories - I imagine I’ll get a handful. But if I don’t get any, or enough, I may just end the project. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve created a resource that will live forever, which has helped people. It’s fucked me up a little bit, too, but it’s ok. Overall it’s been very cathartic.</div><div><br></div><div>I did my tour of the Hyatt yesterday and it was as expected - everything about the place was just too small for my event. I’m waiting on a bid from them so I know what the going offer is. But it occurred to me that other than renegotiating next year’s contract to include a Thursday night at my current hotel, there’s really no urgency to do anything else. Right now my public stance is going to be “sorry, room block is sold out” and that’s it. It sucks, and it will impact my sales, but the hotel won’t budge (because really, why should they?), and there’s no point in knocking myself out over it (there’s not much I can do, anyway). I’m waiting to see if they’ll add a few more rooms just to sell out existing nights for me, then I’ll wash my hands of it. </div><div><br></div><div>I survived the weekend gig despite being in the presence of a few people who make me profoundly uncomfortable. I did my usual hide-in-the-corner thing, which is very effective. Next we all have to make a decision about how to handle this problematic guy, but that conversation is still muted from the weekend, so I’ll await instructions there. </div><div><br></div><div>After a few days off I return to the gym today for yoga, followed by something called “yogalates” tomorrow, and a strength training class at my home gym on Friday. I’ve been exceptionally wiped out by the time change - I don’t remember being so adversely affected by it before; so far this week it feels like I’m being made to wake up in the middle of the night to get kids to school. Yesterday I just came home and let myself sleep. I felt guilty for sliding back into old habits, but I just couldn’t deal. My friend and I have decided to do a diet challenge for April. I’m skeptical I’ll be able to stick with it - I’ve failed utterly up until this point - but I’m hoping a little accountability will help. I’m going to do the 5:2 again as it’s the only thing that really worked for me. I just have to get back in the habit. I know from experience that the exercise, despite being good for my mental health, longevity, and strength, won’t do shit for weight loss unless I also cut calories. It would be great to lose some weight by summer, to fit into my clothes, etc etc. It’s all about forming new habits. I’ve been able to do it with exercise, so there’s no reason I can’t do it with the 5:2 again. Until April 1st I’m going to enjoy my birthday cake and camping food, however. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_cd9d_fb5e_e2c5_69f6" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1ADcymXjDG0JcKMUVyqzSbaG3gKjjbO64" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-65369851802162280382024-03-08T16:59:00.001-08:002024-03-08T16:59:22.007-08:00Birthday seasonBoth boys got glowing reports from their teachers this week, phew. The only criticisms were Theo needs to expand a little more when he writes (he tends to do the bare minimum), and Bobby needs to expand a little more when he speaks. Bobby’s teacher in particular has noticed that Bobby’s in this friend group of two other kids who tend to influence each other - sometimes out of really trying in class. Knowing one of these other kids, this doesn’t surprise me. This particular kid was in Bobby’s kindergarten class and bullied another kid who was on the spectrum so brutally that he left school. I’ve always looked at this kid askance after finding this out. I’m curious if he’ll be at Bobby’s (proposed) Jr high. We shall see. <div><br></div><div>But it was a relief to find out both kids are doing well, academically as well as socially. I feel like they’re in good hands with their current teachers, and that it’s been a good year for them. Of course, this is Bobby’s last year of having one teacher, so this era comes to a close soon. It’s weird to think of Theo being at this school for two more years, by himself. I’m going to do my best not to completely check out of this school emotionally after Bobby leaves, which is something I have a tendency to do when it comes to transitioning to new places. Theo still needs me to be present for whatever is going on for him in 5th and 6th grade, even when Bobby’s new life as a junior high schooler will be a big learning curve for us all.</div><div><br></div><div>Theo turns ten in just a few days. It’s weird to think I can no longer call myself “a mother of young children”. They’re more or less “tweens” now - not little, but not grown, either. Neither have had any dramatic growth spurts. They’re both still shorter than me, with smaller feet, and are still very much children, with tunnel vision for everything video games, zero interest in girls, and mainly focused on how to get more candy and not have to do homework. Their room is still full of stuffies and impossibly outgrown childhood furniture (this is a project I desperately need to tackle, but am overwhelmed by). </div><div><br></div><div>Tonight we finally celebrate the H’s birthday at an as yet undetermined restaurant. I had reservations on his actual birthday on Tuesday, but as is typical, he had me cancel it because he had to work. I felt some type of way about that, but almost immediately two major earthquakes took over my business life. One was, despite what I’d been told and had come to believe, the shenanigans with the hotel have returned to haunt me - once again, we’re six months out, my room block has sold out, and the hotel will only add more rooms if they can charge almost $100 extra per night above my group rate. So much for “working with me”. I went on a mad rant to my contact over there, and talked it over with several friends, but determined a few things I’m just going to have to live with, mainly, that they are under zero obligation, contractually, to provide me with more cut rate rooms. Yes, in the past they’ve always given me more rooms with zero qualms, so that’s what I’m used to, but everything has changed post-pandemic. And even pre-pandemic, honestly, since they did a major renovation in 2019 (and almost didn’t finish in time, leaving me with no ballroom space potentially, lest we forget that dumpster fire) and I think had been positioning themselves to be a luxury hotel even back then. My days of cheap rooms and an accommodating staff were numbered even then but I didn’t know it. I don’t have much choice at this point but to do what I ended up doing last year, which was just be honest and tell people we’re sold out and I can’t help. Honestly, people got it. I do feel that not having affordable rooms impacted my turnout - and I’m worried that will negatively affect me again this year - but I also can’t in good conscience offer up rooms at $100 more a night and expect people not to freak out. And they were only willing to give me 30 more rooms at that rate, so what’s the point? So after losing my mind for a few days, I’ve decided I’m just going to post that our block is sold out and that’s it. Everyone’s just going to have to figure it out. </div><div><br></div><div>In the meantime, in a moment of spite, I made an appointment for next Monday to tour the Hyatt next door. They’ve been courting me for some time, and even though I’m 90% sure the space won’t work for me, I feel I owe it to myself to explore options. Also, it will be educational for me to see what the going offer is from hotels these days, so I have realistic expectations. At this point I feel like my head is stuck in 2015 and I need to accept that this whole business model has changed, and not for the better. I’m also under the gun to re-negotiate my 2025 contract at my current hotel to add Thursday night, and I might as well work on upcoming years at the same time, and I want to know what to expect and if there are or aren’t better deals out there. I feel like I’m in a long-term marriage and am feeling unappreciated and looking to step out - only to, most likely, discover that there’s nothing better out there. That’s my prediction. But I have to try so I can at least say I did.</div><div><br></div><div>The other big earthquake is <i>yet another </i>dancer I had trusted and thought was a good guy (well, to be honest, I felt like he could go either way) has been accused of SA and various other problematic behaviors at my event and others, and there’s a group of us trying to figure out how to handle it, which has taken all of our time and emotional energy the last few days. How it affects me is I have to figure out how to handle his potential attendance at my event (he already paid), and he’s running an event that my band is playing in a couple of months and I have to decide if we should pull out (probably). It’s a huge mess, and my heart goes out to the women who have watched us all embrace him and help him and give him special recognition when the whole time he was just a creep (with an alcohol problem, which I knew nothing about). It must have been so infuriating. Well, this guy knows how to present his best self to certain people. I’m wary of men like that these days - because I’m the one with all the power, these guys tend to love bomb me to get me on their side so when all the allegations come out I’ll back them. Joke’s on them - I’m well versed in narcissistic behavior and cult tactics, so when the allegations inevitably come to light, I believe the accusers. I wish I had had this knowledge years ago, but at least I have it now.</div><div><br></div><div>This weekend’s singing gig is going to be extremely stressful because of his presence and a few other factors - I’m just going to take a deep breath, pull up my big girl panties, make some memes, and get through it. One step at a time. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_5d11_ded6_f928_cce1" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1AZ4OYLdJjKgXUOdWFLYsHrxg59xsfCrh" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-55826112909886780062024-03-04T09:40:00.001-08:002024-03-04T09:40:44.665-08:00A blast from the pastThis weekend we went out to the desert for our usual r&r and to get some projects done, mainly to paint and protect the raw wood of our outhouse and new overhang before the elements get to them. I like to think of our time there as a throwback to a simpler time (despite capitulating and allowing a tv, which, to be honest, has been a godsend keeping the kids occupied while the H and I work). <div><br></div><div>Unfortunately, this weekend that “simpler time” involved having a sick kid with no running water, toilet, or decent supply of food. It also involved a massive wind storm that kept us trapped indoors and unable to do anything Saturday. Poor Theo woke up Saturday morning complaining of a stomach ache - oddly, Bobby had had a stomach ache all last week, to the point of even spending time in the nurse’s office at school one day - but nothing came of Bobby’s so I assumed it was just an odd coincidence. However, Theo started throwing up later in the morning. Thankfully I keep lots of enamel basins around, so no mess was made, but it was gnarly. I was worried and wondering if we should just head home, but the wind storm made that prospect pretty scary, too, so we didn’t know what to do. That night he complained his legs were hurting and crawled into bed with us; he was running a light fever. I googled for symptoms but couldn’t find anything that related to these things - and by the morning he was fine. The wind had stopped and we somehow managed to get two days’ worth of projects done in one - rubbing linseed oil into the wood of the outhouse and then priming and painting the overhang wood, plus hanging our sign and putting a rope on the security door so the wind doesn’t slam it into the window every time it’s open.</div><div><br></div><div>Now I’m holding my breath that whatever Theo had is not a virus we’re all going to catch one by one. The H said his stomach was messed up last week, too. Is it possible for once the reverse has happened and I’m the only one <i>not </i>to get sick? Is it covid? Was it food poisoning from the sketchy Farmer’s where we got dinner Friday night in Rialto? I’m gonna wait until Wednesday and see if we’re all in the clear. </div><div><br></div><div>We can’t go back until April, and that bums me out. However, right now April and May weekends are wide open for visits, and that’s an excellent time to go. I’m hoping we can tackle a shower then - that would be a huge upgrade. But I’m pleased to say I was able to do my little bird bath all winter with no issues, and also we never once needed the heater, even when temps fell below 40°. So these are good things to know going forward. </div><div><br></div><div>It occurred to me on this trip that I need to pay more attention to our spring break trip coming up at the end of the month - I rented an rv last fall, and booked two nights at a special Death Valley star camp, but beyond that I’ve left us with just some boondocking and no actual activities. While it’ll take us out of our way quite a bit, I’m considering booking a stay at the hot springs rv park we stayed at a couple of years ago - it has an amazing warm pool we can swim in at night, and they rent atvs which is something we’ve been wanting to try for ages. If it were just me, I’d be content to boondock in the Mojave National Preserve and stare into space for hours; but these boys need more stimulation. I don’t want them to be bored and hate these trips. They’re already complaining about going to our cabin (well, Theo is - I think Bobby’s more content with peace and quiet), which was something I had dreaded. So I may fork out a few hundred extra $$ just to give us a pool to enjoy and a fun day on an atv (availability pending of course). </div><div><br></div><div>This week is parent teacher conferences again (their old school only did one of these, in November) and I’m interested to see if the boys will still get glowing reports. It also means early pick ups all week, so I’ve had to juggle some things. Headed to my second strength training class today. Hope it goes as well as the last one.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_3e52_74f8_9ba2_6796" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1g2EqjyR1bML3aj-cIxHKK1IrbPYtSFAN" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-23673133585867620222024-02-29T15:27:00.001-08:002024-02-29T15:27:49.310-08:00Getting in the grooveI re-joined the Y last week. I hadn’t been there since a short time before the pandemic shut everything down - I closed my account because I hadn’t been using it enough; little did I know what was coming in just weeks (I feel like every February/early March for a while is going to be full of triggering “little did we know what was about to happen” vibes). Back in the day it had been a perfect place for me and my preschooler (Theo) - free child care for an hour while I worked out. But once both kids were in school it became a needless expense. <div><br></div><div>However, years later, things have changed. I desperately need to get active and start building muscle at my age. Also doing the podcast about my former culty religion reminded me how easy it is for me to get disconnected from my body, and I want to change that. I heard once an older lady say that exercise is one thing she never compromises on - that it always takes priority over everything else. I do want to be a healthy older person, who’s strong and capable. So after discovering that my home Y never has any availability in their classes or pool, I decided to look into the newly renovated Hollywood Y. I went there on Tuesday for a yoga class that went well, and did strength training today, which also went well. Unsurprisingly most of the people in the classes were elderly women, so that’s right about my speed.</div><div><br></div><div>It’s funny, building new habits. The long drive, the parking, the gym bag, the classroom etiquette - these are all things I way over analyze and stress out about. It’s hard to look at this gym and accept that it <i>has </i>to become your second home; this is a huge new thing in your life. You’re going to spend a lot of time here. Today since I had to kill some time, I brought a full gym bag and showered and enjoyed the sauna for a few minutes. At some point I may look into swimming some laps. On the way home I bought extra toiletries and flip flops and other random things so I don’t have to keep packing and unpacking. I plan to take classes there 2-3 times a week and walk the other days. </div><div><br></div><div>I have no illusions that this will magically make me skinny. I know it won’t. But right now I’m just focusing on building a new habit and re-acquainting myself with my body, building muscle, getting stronger. That’s step one. The weight stuff, the food stuff, I’ll tackle later - preferably once the March gauntlet of three family birthdays and a week in an RV for spring break are behind me. </div><div><br></div><div>I did my taxes yesterday, with good results. I didn’t owe much more than I’d pre-paid, and my accountant gave me a good strategy for a tax shelter that will also double as saving for kids’ college, something I’ve been fretting over for some time. I also got a better picture of what this event <i>actually </i>costs to run (I was shockingly accurate, it turns out). With taxes behind me, I can officially put 2023 to bed. </div><div><br></div><div>2023, honestly, kinda sucked. Remembering the massive amount of stress I had this time last year - our wish to bury our elderly friend with some dignity having gone horribly wrong, the hotel stonewalling me and causing me to do countless hours of research in case I had to move (all fruitless), our desert cabin unfinished and in limbo, my credit card company withholding funds, losing customers over unavailable hotel rooms, slow signups leading me to believe I needed to prepare to be broke again…just too much. Already this year is off to a <i>much </i>better start. Very grateful for that. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_9312_7217_6d7a_2f8b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1vVBf4qW0MA0ir003W85aosWzSvifh7dm" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-73058686743871201742024-02-20T15:52:00.001-08:002024-02-20T15:52:32.180-08:00Desert visit We had an idyllic visit to the desert last weekend. It’s funny how one small change - the overhang, plus the hanging chair hammocks I bought three years ago - can be so magical. Suddenly the place is becoming as I’d pictured it in spring of 2021.<div><br></div><div><img id="id_203f_5cae_c85e_7d90" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1HzBJHpcZvc6ZYek2uovL8UKzVy0j_TbI" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_79a8_ace6_eed9_b18b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/17CDj6VkdrW5CkNue34NdAf9DSnDQkPEf" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br>It’s still a little chilly at night, but daytimes are t shirt weather, even in February. And we haven’t had to use the heater at all, which says to me the average winter visit out there will easily be survived without using the heater or wood burning stove. Next we still need to figure out our water situation. That’ll be the spring project, that hopefully won’t cost anything. </div><div><br></div><div>The boys loved swinging in the chair hammocks, which made me happy. Anything to get these kids off screens, right?</div><div><br></div><div>Speaking of screens, because Bobby is taking a game design class after school starting this Thursday, I had to buy him a laptop, something I had hoped to put off a little longer. But the fact is, he’s turning twelve in a month, he’s starting seventh grade in the summer, and he’s gotten really into making music on his iPad, which has its limits. So tonight we’ll give him his early birthday present and I’m sure he’ll be delighted, since he’s been campaigning hard for it for several months. I installed some parental software on it that will hopefully block the gnarlier adult content. Of course he wants a phone, too, but I’m putting that off as long as I can.</div><div><br></div><div>Now we’re scrambling to think of something equally awesome for Theo’s tenth birthday in three weeks. He has no ideas for us, and we have no ideas for him. He’s always so hard to buy for. Here’s hoping I come up with something good. </div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-89999832057072233662024-02-13T14:48:00.001-08:002024-02-13T14:48:48.002-08:00Independent kidsBobby is on day two of his Catalina 6th grade trip, and tonight Theo’s 4th grade class is going to see The Wiz and won’t be home until 11 pm or so. I’ll be alone in the house on a weeknight, which pretty much never happens. Maybe I should sneak out and have dinner with a friend or something.<div><br></div><div>I survived the band trip to Munich, and it was pretty much what I expected. Since we hadn’t been in Europe since 2019, people were really excited to see us (many had never seen us and only knew us from our two decades of CD releases), so there was a certain rock star vibe about the gig, while at the same time the three day festival was also a massive pain in the ass. While everything went smoothly, it was very physically demanding - we alternated stages with many other bands, so there was a ton of packing up and moving over and over again in one night, plus a lot of waiting around, and the venues were often a long walk from our hotel on crowded, construction-filled sidewalks. I was in charge of the band’s suitcase full of 50 lbs of charts, which meant lots of hauling this suitcase over cobblestone streets in the cold while also in a vintage dress and questionable shoes, then struggling through packed, sweaty crowds up and down stairs and through extremely heavy doors to get to the next stage. The last two nights were also extremely late, ending Sunday night at about 4 AM and then having to get up at 8 AM for our flight (and having to find our way to the airport using public transport, so again, hauling giant heavy suitcases up and down stairs, down uneven streets with tons of pedestrians and bicycles, etc etc). Anyway, suffice it to say it was <i>exhausting </i>and I’m <i>extremely </i>glad it’s over. I knew it was going to be like that, hence my creeping dread in the weeks leading up to it. Thankfully everything went well here - Bobby made it to his trip take off on time, kids got to and from school each day, and the H didn’t leave the house a mess for me when I got home. Our next big band trip isn’t until July when things won’t be anywhere near as complicated as far as kids doing school stuff. So that’s a relief.</div><div><br></div><div>Now I focus on final tax calculations before my appointment in two weeks, cleaning up the mess left after my Feb 1st contest registration opening, and trying to get more participants for my podcast (I’m officially out of interviewees). </div><div><br></div><div>My contest registration went well except that the system did not honor pre-set limits on registrations for some reason - thankfully I was monitoring it and shut each contest down when I saw they were selling over the limits; but the damage is done. I currently have 17 showcase routines when we only have time for 12, and several other contests have similar issues. I know with people dropping out we should be fine by the time the event rolls around, but it gives me no wiggle room to let in scholarship folks or volunteers or anyone else who doesn’t sign up using normal channels. I’ve addressed the issue of the system failure with the registration company but as of yet have heard nothing. I’m considering switching companies next year because their customer service is pretty non-existent. </div><div><br></div><div>After seeing how quickly the contests sold out (some in just minutes - we’re back to pre-pandemic levels on that, finally), and facing a couple of other dilemmas such as not having time for the now very important cultural panels, I’m considering a radical step, which is adding a day to the event moving forward. Right now we start on Friday night; I’d like to start Thursday night instead. I crunched some numbers and although it will cost more, it isn’t prohibitively expensive. While I personally loathe the idea of being there an extra night and day, I also think taking the pressure off our current over-packed schedule would make the time I am there less stressful. It will also allow me to have ample time for the cultural presentations, decent meal breaks, and allow me to add in a few contests that will help allow more participation (we desperately need intermediate level contests, not just Am and Advanced). I don’t intend to raise prices, so I would hope despite the inconvenience of having to stay an extra night at the hotel and take another day off work that people will be into it. The only people I haven’t consulted are the hotel, so it’s not confirmed yet. But I’m hoping I can implement this for 2025. It’s going to be a big change - it’s probably been more than 20 years since I added a day to this event. I guess needing to expand isn’t a bad thing, right? A year ago I thought I’d have to cut everything back! Just goes to show how unpredictable this industry is. </div><div><br></div><div>Here’s a picture of our desert place with the front overhang that was installed while I was away.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_430_e2ab_62aa_6d6f" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1WqzxxCd_oufpmOquE-Mbkw12GiLBjL_d" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-77800504947188038722024-01-28T13:11:00.001-08:002024-01-28T13:11:47.792-08:00January is cooking along Lots of stuff going on. I’m pleased to say we now have a staircase at the cabin - the new contractor I found in a desert group has (I think?) worked out great. I’ll withhold judgment until I see it in person, but we left keys out there and he worked on it the last couple of days, finishing up yesterday. He’s the first contractor who didn’t ask for a deposit and said we could pay half until we inspected it for ourselves. <div><br></div><div><img id="id_db58_b83b_6153_1d3e" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1LNFxa_8jqM9ltwQIu3D4k-h8iMVR0Rz9" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br>No more climbing a metal ladder up to the bedrooms. I’m going to see if he can start an overhang for us next week. It would be great to have a place to be outside in the shade. Last weekend I was enjoying a hammock until it started raining - it would be nice to be able to enjoy the outdoors even in a light rain. It’s kind of hilarious that we’re doing all these non-essential projects and we don’t even have a shower or sink yet. I guess that just shows where our priorities are. </div><div><br></div><div>I’m hustling to get my website updated before the “hard opening” on Thursday. The frustrating part is I have the information, I just don’t have the technical savvy now that Wordpress changed their whole system and doing simple things like embedding photos has become stupidly complicated. I plan on spending this afternoon wrestling with it. I’m determined to finish today.</div><div><br></div><div>I also have been tirelessly trying to track down contact info for all the kids’ friends to invite them to their joint trampoline park party on March 17. I have to find this info for kids from both the old and new schools. Apparently no contact sheet was put together for Theo’s 4th grade class - so we may be relegated to completely unreliable paper invites handed out at school again. Honestly, it’s not the end of the world this time - the party is already way too big with Bobby’s friends that I know will all show, so if Theo just has a few kids from his old school, he’ll be happy with that. With Bobby turning 13 next year and starting junior high, I figure this may be the last kiddie party he’ll be interested in having, so I’m trying to embrace the chaos and enjoy the end of this era. </div><div><br></div><div>Speaking of new schools, we find out in March if Bobby got into the gifted program at the jr/sr high. With all his points, I can’t imagine he won’t, but I need to be prepared that it might randomly be a year with tons of kids applying and he just won’t make the cut. It’s going to be such a big change for us this summer. Not just a whole new school but a whole new way of being at school - having to move to different classrooms each period, kids in different schools for the first time since 2018…it’s going to be wild. </div><div><br></div><div>For me, I’m counting down to my band’s Germany trip a week from Wednesday. I’m worried about several things on this trip, not the least of which is leaving Bobby’s 6th grade class trip in the hands of the H while I’m on another continent. There’s so much I need to have in place before I go, between the kids, my event, taxes, and my podcast. Just crossing fingers I can keep it all together. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_6b3c_5256_722c_1688" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/d/1MLKpPUhuTX7p5wbyojc574T-koRe2b4d" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-30782649817903304702024-01-16T09:12:00.001-08:002024-01-16T09:12:54.198-08:00Long weekendI had a long weekend - that wasn’t meant to be. There’s a local dance camp similar to mine that my orchestra plays every year - I typically sing on Friday and Saturday nights and don’t really attend or think about it otherwise. But for some reason this year I really decided to lean in, and had lunches and dinners with visiting dancers all weekend, and went to dance Sunday night just for my own enjoyment as well, which is something I almost never do. But because I had so many friends there I knew I’d have a lot of dances and a good time, and I did. It meant staying out until at least 2 AM every night, so I am officially bushed. I’m kind of not sorry today’s podcast interview got canceled due to the interviewee getting covid - I can use the downtime.<div><br></div><div>I’m so glad I invested in a couple of new heavy winter coats for the boys - usually in LA you can get away with just light hoodies all winter - but the last few winters have been exceptionally cold; when I drop the kids in the morning and they have to hang around the schoolyard for 15-20 minutes, it’s anywhere from 38-45 degrees; even the warmest daytime temperatures never breach 65. I know this is laughable to non-Californians, but when you have no warm clothes and live in an un-insulated house, you’re just cold all the time. I even bought the boys thermal underwear. This has been all of January so far with no signs of relenting. I hate it. </div><div><br></div><div>I had a bit of an identity crisis over the weekend - part of it was, singing with the orchestra is stressful because I only do it a couple of times a year so I don’t know the songs very well, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, once again, none of my clothes fit. I had bought a gown mostly in my size for the occasion, but it was in terrible shape, so even after repairing it extensively, when I put it on for the gig, yet another seam split spectacularly and I had to sew it up while on my body as I was walking out the door, and I left a sea of jettisoned sequins everywhere I went. I doubt I’ll be able to wear it again, but that and an unflattering blue dress were literally the only ones in my closet that currently fit, so I had no choice. It never helps, on these gigs, when all the photographers insist on taking these incredibly unflattering low-angle shots of me on stage, which do everything to emphasize my double chin and pot belly with cavernous belly button indentation. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I got a cold sore from the stress of it all. </div><div><br></div><div>Thankfully lots of good conversation and connecting with people I hadn’t seen in a while helped quell my anxiety about my body and my aging and my painful arthritic toe and all the other unpleasantness going on for me physically. I had a really swell time Sunday night and it was the first time I got a window into the fun most people are having at my own event, which for me is just a giant stress ball. </div><div><br></div><div>I embarked on an experiment last week that so far isn’t going great but I’m going to give it this week before I make a determination. I discovered that psyllium husk, a natural fiber supplement, can help aid in weight loss in that it helps you to feel full, so that it’s somewhat touted as the poor man’s Ozempic. I bought some and started taking small doses which I’ve ramped up to full doses over a few days to see if it cuts my constant hunger cravings. The only danger in it - and it’s a big one - is it could cause intestinal blockage if you don’t take enough water with it. That scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had issues with being “regular” so I don’t really need the fiber. So far I’ve seen no effects negative or positive, which is about what I expected. But my eating/sleeping schedule has been so off for the last four days that I want to wait until things are normal again before I decide if it’s working or not. My diet attempts so far for the last three weeks have failed miserably, and yet I’ve been constantly hungry and miserable. I keep thinking there’s got to be some magic bullet out there that will finally keep me at a healthy weight for the rest of my life, but I’m just not finding it. Honestly the 5:2 diet was the most effective thing I’ve ever done, and lasted a long time. When the pandemic started and I was on the 5:2, I was at 140, and stayed there for at least a year and a half before I stopped. I would kill to be even close to that weight again. Maybe I should just do that. I don’t know. At the moment, feeling very discouraged.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_f1b0_f410_a8b_10bb" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AEYmBYROYqF8Q4EtSi4bwZrmJkz9XzZgiDPtl6MnCl1qmh5V942VFvp9QOsRZKcIzeZS0iyYGuHuHFUBrlG-N07PCQile6OzrA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-24875063257237391432024-01-07T11:27:00.001-08:002024-01-07T11:27:19.325-08:00Fears and loathingsI don’t think I’m alone in having a lot of dread about this upcoming year. It’s an election year, and the odds of Trump being elected are higher now than ever, thanks to anger at Biden over his response to the Hamas attacks and a blatant unwillingness to recognize all the good he’s done. Memories are short - it’s now been eight long years since 2016 - and I can see especially young people forgetting that their staying home or protest vote for a 3rd party will, in fact, elect Trump, and end democracy as we know it. I can’t live through another Trump presidency. I can’t. Suddenly California seceding doesn’t sound so terrible. As I was saying to a friend yesterday, there’s no guarantee that the United States will last forever, not in its current form. We like to think it’s immutable and eternal, but it’s not. Look at Europe. Sliced and diced a million different ways, especially in the last 70 years. We’re not used to that sort of transitory existence, but we may have to get used to it. Either way, I’m full of anxiety about what’s going to happen this fall.<div><br></div><div>We had a pretty sizable earthquake Friday morning, which was listed as a “pre-shock” and warnings of the high likelihood of a major quake in the next 72 hours. I was horrified. It doesn’t help that in just about a week we’ll hit the 30th anniversary of the Northridge quake, which for me was massive and life changing. I haven’t slept well since Friday, and plans to leave the kids home alone briefly have been scrapped (they’ll go to the H’s work and I’ll pick them up later). It’s hard not to think of how awful everything will be if there’s a quake large enough to render this house unlivable - I have state-sponsored earthquake insurance, but the deductible is high, and our whole lives would be upended for a year or more, and what would we do with all our stuff if the house wasn’t securable? What about the kids’ school? What about the hotel where I hold my event - what if something happens to that? It’s all too horrible to even think about. And yet, while not being probable, it is, in fact, possible. I just can’t.</div><div><br></div><div>So I think it’s fair to say I’m not entering this year with a lot of optimism or enthusiasm, but I’m entering it anyway because I have no choice. Kids return to school tomorrow, and in two months we’ll know if Bobby got into the gifted program at his school or choice, and if Theo got into the gifted program at his current school. I’ve got lots of podcast interviews lined up - there’s been some unexpected momentum lately - and am considering getting a new computer to facilitate this activity. I submitted all the grant audit paperwork on Friday, so now we wait. I’ve started the reams of tax work that will take up the next two months, and am moving forward with my event planning finally. I hope to have everything settled by the time I do the price increase on Feb 1. There’s a lot to do coming up. Maybe this will keep me from my doomsday fears for a while.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_89b1_7dc_c83b_432e" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AEYmBYQi2eFtTf4tyfvD2sewH_Gz67wyCuZEL4H3hJBG7mGvHA4bqF5qZ6Riy0G1z-lDsGNDKjr1AWY4wpCErGIinYqCJswD" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-75950575759061963362024-01-03T09:14:00.001-08:002024-01-03T09:14:40.075-08:002024, here we goIt’s the final week of winter break. I have to say, with kids old enough to entertain themselves all day, these long breaks aren’t what they used to be - I used to stare down these lengthy non-school periods with sheer terror; however now, other than becoming a full time cook and house cleaner and having no alone time, they’re not so bad. Being able to malinger in bed well past 9 AM pretty much makes up for the unpleasant parts.<div><br></div><div>So here’s the truth about my Christmas travels. Everything went well. We did Christmas on the 23rd, presents were received well (H got me a band t shirt, compass, pocket knife, and fancy hair dryer, all of which were great), then headed to Florida on Christmas Eve. We arrived late that night, then did a four hour drive north to my cousin’s new place in Saint Augustine on Christmas Day. Here was the biggest gathering of remaining family in quite some time - both cousins, kids, and step aunt - and it was lovely and full of warm moments. We all watched Spinal Tap that night and had a blast. Then we spent the remaining week at my sister’s place until Jan 1 when we flew home.</div><div><br></div><div>Here’s the thing, though - I felt lousy for most of it. Again I don’t know if it’s my age, weight, menopause, or what, but I was exhausted, bloated, and out of sorts the whole time. Up until the end I barely slept, my whole body was puffy and uncomfortable, and I just felt like a giant beached whale the whole time. It didn’t help that the weather was cold and rainy and grey, so activities were limited. We finally got one chilly beach day in on our final day, but mostly we sat around and tried to figure out what to make for dinner. Meal planning and cleanup was a constant annoyance, as it had to happen three times a day, for six people. Boy, did I not understand the burden on my grandmother on all those long family visits! No wonder she savagely crunched popcorn every night in front of the TV (after lighting up a Virginia Slim was no longer allowed by her doctor).</div><div><br></div><div>So basically, nothing (other than the weather) was wrong, I just felt wrong. And most of this was, of course, my disgust with myself for how much weight I’ve gained and how much work it’s going to take to get it off. Every bite of food was fraught with guilt and shame, even though for the most part I wasn’t stuffing myself or particularly overeating. I hate that I’m in this endless loop of feeling bad about my body - it goes against everything I stand for - but there it is. How can you not feel bad when for forty years you were effortlessly thin and then suddenly balloon up to an unhealthy weight and then spend years losing and regaining the same ten pounds, while all the while slowly gaining twenty pounds in the process so your starting point gets higher and higher and getting to any kind of healthy weight gets more and more difficult? And staying there sucks, because the fact is, to be thin in your 50s means being hungry, and being hungry sucks? Anyway. I could go on and on. At one point at 2 AM I panic signed up for some Facebook-promoted weight loss program for $70 and then immediately regretted it - it’s just a meal plan full of food I don’t want to make and the same calorie restriction I could just do on my own. I know how to lose weight. And I must, because I’m officially getting unhealthy. But boy do I hate it. I’m not motivated, but I know I have to reduce calories and get up and get moving, for myself mentally if not physically. I’m sick of good times being ruined because I feel lousy and tired and bloated and none of my clothes fit. There’s an easy solution to this, I just have to do it. Diet started yesterday. </div><div><br></div><div>I came home to a dead car battery and I can’t even get into the car to pop the hood to get jumped because my lock is broken from an attempted break in, so this morning the H will try to pry it open with a screwdriver to jump it, and if he can’t, I have to have it towed to the dealer to have them switch out the lock. So that’s potentially my day shot. Still looming over me is the fact that the deadline for uploading the grant paperwork is Saturday. I got it all put together before I left, but wanted to save it for uploading later in case I wanted to make any changes or missed something. The amount of terror over this grant audit has been a huge cloud over my head for the last month - pretty much ruined my Christmas season because of the stress - so I’m looking forward to getting that done. Once the car’s fixed. Sigh. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_aa36_e62c_6eae_e3fc" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AEYmBYQdtrWqUV-82Vc-ViibkGYbIhuwcaxJ2JEM_xcglbYolMc5aFfSCnIuS0XoXz736SRzhjWQ2xsatG2kT6reEJRFlq_dMA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-55498602969090065372023-12-18T10:08:00.001-08:002023-12-18T10:08:07.267-08:00Break!We had a pleasant weekend in the desert, the first of the kind I’d been dreaming of since I bought the place, in which we just had to pack some clothes and a cooler and head out - rather than having to bring half the house every time. We didn’t do much - met with a new contractor to see about a porch and a staircase, ate a lot of expensive restaurant food, and were generally foggy and dehydrated. <div><br></div><div>The new contractor that I found in a local group was a funny guy - Ken doll handsome and with adhd characteristics; talked our ears off for two hours while I kept trying to loop him back to taking actual measurements and talking about materials. He had a good idea for the staircase - right now we’re still using a ladder to climb up to the top floor. His idea was to have stairs going sideways along the back wall which is way better than just building a sturdier ladder. The H didn’t like him, but seems ok with continuing - we should get a bid shortly. As always I don’t know what to think of this guy, but I do know we don’t really have a choice and it would be nice to get these final projects finished even though I technically can’t afford it. Also as always he pointed out all the things the previous contractors did wrong. They love doing that. Sigh. </div><div><br></div><div>One good discovery is that the insulation is doing a bang up job - even with the temps dropping to the low 40s at night, we never needed the heater. The upstairs stayed toasty from the all day radiant heat from the sun, and good bedding meant we were never cold. I know it can get a bit colder out there - it was high 60s during the day and 40s at night and I know it can be 50s in the day and 30s at night, but at least most of the time it won’t get that cold, and we probably only have three more winter visits at most before the glorious spring comes again. </div><div><br></div><div>It’s Monday of the first week off school and I’m a bit panicked about everything that has to happen this week - mainly the grant paperwork - but I keep telling myself it’ll all get done. I have to do two podcast interviews and edit those and tee them up for release while I’m gone; wrap all the presents (when kids go to bed); make candy; prepare for our trip (laundry, packing, use up food, etc); get my hair done; find something for us to do all day on Thursday while the cleaning lady is here and it’s raining all day; get groceries; go to the bank to deposit cash from our last band gig; make breakfast, lunch and dinner each day and clean up after; and, of course, grant paperwork. Why am I blogging right now instead of starting? Procrastination - but I’m going to blame it on the fact that the H is monopolizing the bathroom so I can’t get up and start my day. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_8726_5c35_d63a_59de" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AEYmBYTmfAIuuDiDGgBcO4C7Y108UbKGuj_eYXsOt_pKw-dVm5sIwqoufeAM_27hrOxAw7LwW9SA0Kka4J5BNROuZneAMhjj8g" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-13044810151127891002023-12-13T11:21:00.001-08:002023-12-13T11:21:19.135-08:00Final week of schoolTwo more days of school and then I (we) get to sleep in for three weeks (mostly). I’m inordinately excited about this. I know Bobby, my fellow night owl, feels the same.<div><br></div><div>We’re lagging on Christmas presents this year. Bobby has made an expansive list, which is very helpful, but Theo has no idea what he wants, and we have no idea, either. We did trade their untouched Nintendo switch for a second used VR headset, but we need to supplement with other small things and we’re at a loss. Bobby asked for sunglasses and a drink cooler and I figured both boys could use those things so I ordered them for both, and I also got some books and impulse bought a Lego chess set. But time is running out - we leave for Florida a week from Sunday so our Christmas will have to be Saturday, and all of these things have to be bought, shipped, and wrapped. I also haven’t even begun the candy making I normally do at this time - mostly because there’s no rush, I don’t need to give any out until next week, and next week is pretty empty while this week is pretty full. It’ll all fall into place I’m sure, but right now it’s still up in the air.</div><div><br></div><div>This week I’m just allowing myself to enjoy my last moments of solitude before the three week onslaught of family time, which for much of it involves cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for at least three people every day, which I despise doing. My whole life becomes food prep and kitchen cleaning and it sucks up pretty much all of my time. Not to mention having to monitor kids actually changing their underwear and brushing their teeth and the constant, pulsating guilt of knowing the kids are on screens too much and I really should be arranging fun and enriching activities for us but I just don’t have it in me to be fun coordinator anymore after twelve years of parenting. Don’t get me wrong - I’m actually looking forward to the school break. But I am experiencing a certain amount of existential dread regarding what I’m actually going to do with these kids all day every day.</div><div><br></div><div>I had a big nothing of a corporate gig last night that paid ridiculously well, then tonight is the real marathon in that we have to drive to San Diego and back. I probably won’t be home before 3 AM, which is scary. I promised myself last time we did this gig that we should stay at a hotel rather than try to drive home - but here we are. The H will take the kids to school in the morning. And I’ll probably need all day to recover. The good news is, it’s (almost) the last of the gauntlet of Christmas gigs (one more easy and fun one next Friday). </div><div><br></div><div>Looming ever above my head is my grant review which I have not tackled other than reaching out to my accountant for help. He wrote up a chart of accounts for me - that’s one thing done - but someone else in his office has to do a year’s worth of bank reconciliation, and I haven’t heard from that person. I also have a ton of work to do myself, but I’ve been forcing myself to wait until next week so I don’t rush it and can take the time to focus. I’m so terrified of this whole process - I know they’re going to demand some money back, but how much is the question, and when, and will this ruin my life or not. It’s so scary I just have to put it out of my mind every time I think about it. There’s no way out but through, so next week I just have to be a big brave girl and sit down and tackle it piece by piece until it’s done. I desperately want to get this handled before I leave, but the accounting stuff unfortunately I don’t have a lot of control over.</div><div><br></div><div>Period showed up three weeks late all nonchalant like the brunch guest as the check arrives, with a Starbucks in one hand and phone in the other, not understanding why everyone’s annoyed. I wouldn’t mind if it was consistently late - fewer periods is of course better - but I’ve entered the age of inconsistency; for all I know I’ll get another one in two weeks, then another a month after that, and another six weeks after that. Sigh. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_81d1_6e4f_d20c_9d2a" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AEYmBYRRfabR8FxUHIijLWnvYZ0ZURu81oudgnbelOjrqy-x34HfaMyVoXuZUXawl7cSMUHWCC0-HLFImqzcct9-dFMXlAYMJg" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-51699593563345860492023-12-06T10:18:00.001-08:002023-12-06T10:18:39.711-08:00DecoratedWe did the Christmas decorating this weekend, and I don’t know if it’s age finally catching up with both of us, post-two time covid infection exhaustion or menopause for me, but it knocked both of us out and I hate to admit it but I didn’t enjoy it at all. I just wanted to be done, but between the tree buying and decorating, light hanging and living room decorating, it pretty much took the entire day, and halfway through I was officially done. I did, however, enjoy that the kids seemed to get a kick out of looking at our old familiar ornaments and hanging them, and that was delightful. I do have some Christmas-loving kids, and I’m here for it. The H badly injured his knee putting lights on the house and has been stressed out and limping around all week, worrying about work and not letting it heal. <div><br></div><div>I had an odd weekend of emotional upsets that I’m still not recovered from. Sunday I had a very stressful gig in which we played for a fellow dancer’s memorial service, and there were several people there that I can’t stand who normally I can avoid, but, you know, funerals, where everyone comes out whether you want to see them or not. I just hid backstage when I wasn’t singing, so I couldn’t socialize or really be present, and I felt guilty about that, but I also knew the people I didn’t want to deal with would 100% approach me if I made myself available (one finally just barged backstage “to say hello”). So it was basically four hours of torture. Then - and this sounds petty, but hear me out - the goth festival I’ve been waiting to hear an announcement for suddenly put up next year’s lineup, and…apparently it’s now a lame 80s Top 40 festival, because that’s where the money is. I was, and am, absolutely gutted. I feel like I was enjoying a seance in a cemetery and then some cheerleaders showed up. I posted my dismay on the festival’s group (I wasn’t alone in this), got relentlessly attacked and laughed at until I had to block some guy and leave, and then spent the rest of the night trying to calm the adrenaline surging through my body. Once again, the jocks and cheerleaders ruin everything. </div><div><br></div><div>I also am starting to feel like, as much as I’m enjoying the work and feel like I’m doing something important, doing this podcast is kind of fucking with my mental health. It’s digging up a lot of ugly memories and making me feel like a broken person, which I’m not. I think I’m going to just do a couple more interviews this month - one today, one in a couple of weeks - and give myself a break for the holidays. I need to get some distance from it. Then regroup in January and start up again until I’ve made my way through all the people that wanted to talk to me, which could only be a few more at this point. But since I can schedule episodes for whenever, I definitely have enough to fill up December. Then I may find I’m done with the whole project. We’ll see. </div><div><br></div><div>My period is now nearly three weeks late. I’ve been through this before during this year, but I don’t think I’ve ever gone quite this long. I feel the same sense of uncertainty that I had as a young girl, waiting for it to appear - when will I get it? What if I never get it? What if it stains my clothes and everyone laughs at me (I saw Carrie too many times)? Now I have similar but opppsite questions - when will I get it? What if I never get it again? What if it stains my clothes and everyone laughs at me? I always secretly hope my period will just stop appearing and I won’t have any other symptoms - a friend had this experience - but considering how much my mother suffered and how my sister dealt with hot flashes for years, this scenario is fairly unlikely. So for now I just play the waiting game. My prediction is I will get it sometime in the next couple of weeks, and I’ll continue to have irregular periods for a few more months or a year still. We shall see. Other than rapidly gaining weight and a fair amount of bloating and cramping, I feel fine. Exhausted all the time, but fine. Welcome to life in your 50s. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_be7e_5bed_d24b_3978" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaCWjZNgYEcvmM-NinoBL1q1rZhfgslhXpo0kTA02IEwWYlaqYecjpOju2vJ140txUEQuGzDFmk4r3La9CPfXRGYSw87IQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-51266329909893090242023-12-01T09:30:00.001-08:002023-12-01T09:31:00.025-08:00Back in the Groove Two more weeks until winter break! I feel like the time is dragging and flying all at once. We were too exhausted to decorate for Christmas last weekend as I’d planned, so we agreed to wait until tomorrow. It does not feel Christmas-y yet because of this. <div><br></div><div>The kids’ new school does not do any kind of holiday program, which is bizarre. I’m so used to kids practicing Christmas carols and having to get together white shirts and red sweaters and things. I have to admit I’m kind of bummed. The only thing I can guess is after covid shutdowns the teachers rebelled and said they’re not doing it anymore. I can’t blame them. I’m sure coordinating all that is a huge pain in the ass. </div><div><br></div><div>Since I *think* the H has finally grasped the concept of not buying the kids mountains of toys they’ll never use, I think we’re on board to have a small Christmas list this year. He wisely traded the kids’ unused Switch for a second used VR, since that’s pretty much the only thing they use now and not fighting over the one we have would be great. I think we’ll just get a few small things and then that’s it. I think this is a good plan. I impulse bought a Lego chess set which I’m kind of regretting now. </div><div><br></div><div>My life has become completely consumed by my podcast work, and I’m not mad at it, except that it’s made me largely forget about any event organizing I should be doing (hiring teachers and musicians, updating the website, advertising - every week these things are in my calendar and every week I push them forward to the next week), and I’ve also pretty much stopped exercising entirely, and it shows. I made a promise to myself to get back to walking at least three times a week starting Monday. The weather is cool, I can always go after picking up kids from school, I have no excuse. BUT I just feel like I’m in this flurry of activity to get as much content going as possible; I’ve announced the podcast’s existence in the two relevant FB groups, so now the pressure is on to consistently produce shows. And I think I can continue to do this through December. However…last night I went back through the threads in which people had expressed interest in being on the show, and realized I’m through about half of them. There is, in fact, a finite number of people who would want to do this; it’s a tiny religion, most people who left don’t feel a need to talk about it because they didn’t have a bad experience, many people aren’t interested in being on podcasts, and those who are just may not be able to find the time. So I have a lot of factors against me. I knew most likely this podcast could only be a “limited series” of twenty or so episodes, but I kind of hoped I could continue for a bit longer. If I run out of people to talk to I can certainly re-edit the current long episodes into more digestible “highlight” versions of a half hour or less; that’ll keep me busy. And I’d still like to explore putting shorts on TikTok in an attempt to get more visibility (my listeners/viewership is still very low). But as of right now, recording, editing, and uploading these long videos takes entire days of my time, often 8-10 hours, which is a lot, and causes me to neglect other things. Still, I think it’s important enough that I feel compelled to push forward. </div><div><br></div><div>Our band didn’t get hired for Knott’s this year, but we still have four other gigs in the next two weeks, most of which involve long, late night drives (Santa Barbara, San Diego, Irvine). We are on for Germany in February which means I’m going to miss Bobby’s send off to Catalina for his 6th grade trip, which sucks. But I think 2024 is the return of international travel for us, and I’m thrilled.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_7804_bbde_56cf_5bf9" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBwr2uhPlNZRVvskB5DAZkz6d_qnEbS-8jsLS8QZwrxnvkrACxgWGwFD6vxlOtK6k_j0QNV-jzHouQkkeG4KycqgeWt" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-51284040920731413222023-11-24T09:50:00.001-08:002023-11-24T09:50:48.197-08:00The big moveThis week we made the big move to the cabin (just stuff, not ourselves, of course). It was a moment I’ve been dreaming of since I first put in an offer on the property in March of 2021. There were many times I thought we’d never get here, between getting ripped off by the first contractor to not being able to find another one for months or years. But this week I was finally able to get a U-Haul and move all the crap I’d been collecting out of the attic, plus unused furniture from the shed, and fill in the gaps at ikea (mattresses, bedding). It was a delicate balance of timing everything just right - picking up the U-Haul, getting movers to help get stuff down our stairs, picking up items at ikea (picking out the bedding took hours and was so ridiculously complicated I thought we were all going to lose our minds), then the H took the U-Haul to Orange County to pick up some water tanks a client had gifted him, while I drove the kids FOUR miserable hours in holiday traffic out to our place. When the H arrived he accidentally backed the U-Haul into soft sand and got stuck, which prompted a crazed attempt at digging/trenching out in the middle of the night and well into the next day, only to give up and hire a tow which cost $350. Then we had a four hour round trip to drop the U-Haul (ah, remote places). Then we had several pieces of furniture to build in two days before it was time to leave. To say it was exhausting was an understatement. I feel like I’ve never been so physically drained in my entire life. Thankfully the H thrives on hard physical labor - and I often thought how I never in a million years would have attempted this as a single woman. I would do other things in the desert - camp, or stay at airbnbs - but not try to have our own place. It’s just too hard. <div><br></div><div>The drag was the boys had nothing to do the whole time. They could only be enlisted to help a certain amount; there’s a point at which they get bored or make the task take longer than it should. So even though we brought bags of board games, other than one game of monopoly, they refused to play any of them, instead begging to play on my phone (something I’ve never allowed - until now), tearing the place apart using the new beds as trampolines, throwing stuffed animals at each other, or whining about how bored they are. That part was a misery for me. Since the H was mostly engaged in building things by himself, I was mostly bored along with the kids or cleaning while dealing with the sensory overload of kids whining or screaming and throwing things and making loud explosive noises, all in 200 square feet. </div><div><br></div><div>Why did the kids not play outside or wander and explore, you ask? Because it’s “boring”. I’ve realized kids today, since they have the option of video games somewhere in their life, will never be satisfied with just wandering and exploring like we were, because we had no choice. And I’m sure we did a fair amount of whining, too. I hate that so far nearly all of our trips have been a huge drag for the kids - we’ve always been working on projects out there, mostly ones the kids can’t help with, so they associate the cabin with being bored and being away from their video games. I hate that video games have ruined kids this way, but I suppose TV did the same in the 50s; I imagine parents raised in the 20s and 30s had the same complaint about their baby boomer children - why can’t they just entertain themselves by playing kick the can or whittling a stick like we did? Because there’s something far more interesting out there, and if you withhold it you make your kids out of step with all their peers, and time marches on whether you want it to or not. And so it goes. </div><div><br></div><div>So we had an exhausting, while productive, week, which we all agreed was a success despite the difficulties. Then we had the special Thanksgiving treat I had planned that I was so proud of - dinner at the top of the Palm Springs aerial tramway - the H had wanted to take that tram for ages, and I thought this combo of the tram plus dinner would be magical. Omg did it suck. First, as we were driving to it as the sun was setting, the H bitched endlessly about how pointless it was going to be to ride up in the dark, to the point where I was on the verge of snapping at him - but it turned out he was right; it <i>was </i>pretty pointless to ride up in the dark, after an extremely long wait sitting on the floor in a cramped waiting room. Then we waited on line for what felt like hours in a cramped cafeteria to get our food, then had a horrible panicked fight for tables since there was only seating for about 10% of the people. It was a nightmare. And not surprisingly the food was mediocre at best. Then another loooong wait for the tram back - waaay too much standing for me, I haven’t even recovered from that music festival last weekend - and a blurry drive home after which we all collapsed into our beds. At least we had a good laugh over how awful it was; better in concept. At one point Bobby asked why we can’t have just “normal” Thanksgivings - I told him because what he considers “normal Thanksgiving” involves all the women working their asses off while the men sit around and enjoy themselves, and I’m not doing that anymore. The truth, of course, is a lot more complicated - the fact is I actually enjoy hosting meals for people (as long as someone else does the meat part) and the complicated game of planning and timing all the dishes just right, but sadly I can’t stand the H’s sister and if I host I’d have to invite her, and I just don’t ever want to have to do that again. So, that’s why the years of traveling Thanksgivings. Last year I tried to do a big meal for Christmas, and honestly, that sucked too - nothing I made was really any good, and I can’t stand that heavy American food anyway. But I have to admit, as far as Thanksgivings go, this was by far the worst - productive and important, but a complete bust as far as the actual holiday. Still, at least we had a good laugh about how bad it was. We manage to maintain our sense of humor in these situations. </div><div><br></div><div>Here’s some shots of our place with the furniture in it - our crap is still all over the place so it looks crowded and messy, but eventually we’ll have curtains and things on the walls and it’ll look nice (I hope).</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_852e_db65_7ba_de51" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaDqqpQdJ6iCTwKq-EnFmBeiEntS6wOqBhz8EcG_uCK0ioIj2u_lzhV85MASKfYjHfBm2D615DlxnzFNehuIgEk8xTd7Aw" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_1a29_cd1a_5eee_75d6" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBnsApax6ds4BJ8zTvGYSDElJ9EPZtdi5ltapdUW_7ZFGUA74YB7XsKpMtQWolfRnbQZt8sAAp93guL6ipl461I2SXP4g" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b0c3_7c04_6817_849e" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaDiJEyujj6OpS_iSz4Av4hn0l6nQPY-sVIthHLvIBTEOEYp92KWJVGpz7OAHh9H8xWHwcjylCEHS4oDTny3TA1vpLv2QA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_abe6_7673_8979_569" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaDxVYa4hILEITRSqBk1a1A7mLgpZAqXhsmOF1Gx5QPWDuF4qh5nFOmn6GSQtP-zgdrfHLayHbtrwGq97kkRM7zTrsFb4A" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-79467993599064344372023-11-14T21:11:00.001-08:002023-11-14T21:11:40.251-08:00Last weekend in an unfurnished cabinLast weekend was the last time we spent in an unfurnished cabin - at last, the moment I’ve waited for for 2 1/2 years, moving furniture into the cabin, is upon us. Next Monday we pick up the U-Haul, meet some movers at our house, move a few items from our shed, head to ikea to pick up a bed and a couch and mattresses and bedding, head to Lake Forest where a friend of the H has donated us a couple of water tanks, and then finally drive out to the cabin. We’ll spend the next three days assembling things and returning the U-Haul, get Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant at the top of the gondolas in Palm Springs, head home, and then I have a gig Friday night and we’ll do Christmas lights and tree shopping over the weekend and then that’s that. We’ll have a real little home out there, ready to host us whenever we want. <div><br></div><div>We used the little propane heater last weekend at night when it dropped below 50°, and I have to say the difference of having insulation now is palpable; even on the lowest setting it heated the whole upstairs in minutes and we had to open all the windows. I don’t think staying warm out there in winter is going to be an issue. </div><div><br></div><div>The move is going to be difficult and tiring and I’m definitely dreading it. A lot has to happen in a short amount of time, and there are a lot of unknowns - extracting the furniture from the back of the shed is going to be tough, especially taking apart a large Hoosier which I’m not sure will be possible; the items we want to get at ikea are low in stock and I don’t really know what to do if they sell out before we get there (they can only hold them 24 hours apparently); I don’t know how big these tanks are and they’re way out of our way; and I don’t know how frustrating it’s going to be to try to assemble multiple complicated pieces of furniture with two kids whining about how bored they are the whole time. I’m worried the H and I are going to snap at each other like we did on our anniversary. I just don’t want this to be a bad experience - this should be a happy time, after all. I’ve wanted this moment for so long and we’ve been through so much to get here. But boy is it going to be tiring. I just hope it goes smoothly. And also that projected massive winter storms don’t flood the place and ruin everything. We still don’t have a working shower or semblance of a sink - I’ve been doing sponge baths in a basin with water heated on our little propane cooker, and washing dishes squatting on the floor in a bigger basin. Getting these things in place will make it a lot more comfortable for us, and me, and make it more appealing to invite people. I’m hoping to do some friend visits in the winter when I know I’ll have a lot of free weekends. </div><div><br></div><div>On last weekend’s visit, we did a quick jaunt into Joshua Tree National Park. The boys sure do love rock scrambling. I have a book of JTNP hikes, and I’m excited to branch out a little and do some more difficult stuff there, more off the beaten path. I’ve asked for a compass for Christmas. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_8c30_e04_e6d7_4138" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaCn6n4PvX-g2l0OYwH23zMDl6q247Zl7fnDSU25xIEbqKT8y4A9bL02kWXF4o_-JUQ4zoniWFhlV3-Wl_Mm0VDRiTCY" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br>This week is a week of half days due to parent-teacher conferences; I’m picking up the boys at about 12:45 each day. I’ve never dealt with this before since every previous year they were in after school care until normal times. I had Theo’s conference yesterday - as usual, good reports. He’s a good kid, gets along well with others, does well in math. His writing and reading isn’t his strong point - the teacher noticed he really doesn’t like to read, and says he hopes he can kick start a love of reading next semester when they tackle some Percy Jackson books. I hope so, too. Bobby used to be an avid reader but is less of one now - I mean really, books are no competition for the internet. I hardly know any adults - certainly any male adults - that actually like to read or do it regularly. Is there a future for reading fiction written on paper? Sometimes I wonder.</div><div><br></div><div>We’ve decided to take Bobby to the Darker Waves concert on Saturday - it’s going to be challenging. A long day at the beach in crowds, and now it appears it’s going to be raining. We’re taking a chance in bringing him - he might hate it and be miserable - but I had a spare ticket and thought this would be a good stretch for him; if nothing else, someday he’ll be able to tell people when he was 11 his parents took him to see Devo and The Psychedelic Furs and OMD and New Order; not many people his age will have had that experience. Theo, who couldn’t care less, will stay home with the babysitter and get the VR all to himself. Win/win?</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_b43_3560_97cd_ce9b" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaAbubxwdXje-hl3D3NWtFxKR7NqQxc-jyBgeaHnntr6EFY_EsKm4EC9NcLaZSYreCSCQ4bVg6txnsZff7x4EA70ZIaP" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-64767964921392351292023-11-10T09:54:00.001-08:002023-11-10T09:54:33.091-08:00My podcast is up!This week has been a whirlwind of activity as my long-thought about podcast finally “launched”. I say launched in quotes because probably only me, my sister, and a couple of close friends have actually listened to it. But STILL.<div><br></div><div>My podcast is called Leaving Christian Science, and I’m filming them on zoom and then posting to YouTube and then audio versions to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. The YouTube link is here: <a href="https://youtube.com/@LeavingChristianSciencePodcast?si=wfugkalCGIDWdDvR">https://youtube.com/@LeavingChristianSciencePodcast?si=wfugkalCGIDWdDvR</a></div><div><br></div><div>and IG handle is @leavingcspod</div><div><br></div><div>Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s how it’s been for me: it’s been a steep learning curve, that I’m still climbing, and that was very intimidating at first. I had to find an editing program (thankfully there’s always a basic one on computers now, and I have years of editing experience from making my event DVDs, so the actual process of editing was a snap), find a voice recording program, find royalty-free music (after multiple requests, my bandleader never followed through, so I gave up. I’m really happy with what I found, though), navigate starting a YouTube channel and Spotify and Apple podcast accounts, start an IG account (by far the most intimidating to me, and still is). It’s been a lot, but I believe in the work enough that I just made myself push through. I now have two episodes published and a few short clip videos, which I had a blast putting together. I’ll definitely do more of these, since I realize a ninety minute podcast isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and they’d rather just have the highlights. </div><div><br></div><div>So what is it, exactly, and what do I want from it? I mean naturally I’d like it if I had a decent community of listeners and was able to help people - ex-CS or not - I don’t want it to just sit there ignored. But I don’t expect to make money on it nor make it into a “hit” - I really just want it to be a resource for people. I personally enjoy long form conversational podcasts - I listen to one by ex-Scientologist Jon Atack every week in which he just has conversations with smart friends, and I always learn something new. I haven’t posted it in the ex-CS Facebook group yet - I want to make sure I have enough content so people don’t click on it and then forget about it because there’s not enough there to hold people’s interest. So I figure I’ll wait until I have one more podcast up and then put it more out there. </div><div><br></div><div>The funny thing has been working this kind of project around family life, especially when family life involves other people using up the wifi bandwidth and making lots of noise, both things that are terrible for two hour zoom recordings. For my second interview, I set myself up in the attic and told the boys to stay off the VR (much to their despair). I’m going to have to interview people when they’re available, and it’s rarely going to be in that tiny window between the H leaving for work (11 AM) and me having to pick up the boys from school (now 2 PM). So the attic, originally intended as a playspace, may soon be my podcasting studio.</div><div><br></div><div>I feel good and revitalized and slightly frantic. We’re leaving for the desert today and I’m a little miffed I can’t spend my day contacting potential interviewees or working on more clips or developing the IG page that literally nobody looks at. But I feel inspired, which is a great feeling. I once heard a quote that “you’re not depressed, you’re just uninspired”, and for me often this is the case. Unless you’re doing something that inspires you, sometimes it can mimic depression, that blah feeling of just not being interested in anything. </div><div><br></div><div>One super cool thing that happened was, when I set up the IG page, I figured I would start by following my favorite cult podcasts. Out of nowhere, my favorite anti-cult activist, Janja Lalich, started following me (I hadn’t followed her so she must have just seen me float by). I had to message her to say thanks for the follow, and she said you’re welcome, and then I told her I was watching her in the Twin Flames documentary and that I enjoy her work, and she said thanks. Omg! Janja Lalich and I had a conversation! Ahhhhh! </div><div><br></div><div>So I’ve got my work cut out for me - the next couple of weeks will be difficult with the boys home by 1 each day due to parent-teacher conferences, and the week after being Thanksgiving break. I hope I can get two interviews in this week so I can at least have *some* content available to publish while I can’t create anymore. The holidays in general will be challenging time-wise, as I imagine a lot of people won’t be available for interviews, either. So the pace may slow down for a few weeks. But in the meantime, I’ve created this thing, and it’s out there, and I'm very proud of it.</div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_d036_943f_49ef_b387" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaCVnmB2qVPAdSLQdyS8hFMrFjfyHxJgZPBsi8aKjBFJQzTG0YEHfQNlg1w7yA-yM0q9taIuJi6j-zevUe0c0VKyhk-3CQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-89881690059869270262023-11-01T08:44:00.001-07:002023-11-01T08:44:17.304-07:00Hallowe’enIt was a fully inflatable Halloween as both boys chose blow up costumes - Theo as a space rocket kid and Bobby as a gorilla. Clearly, I went as a chicken (non-inflatable).<div><br></div><div>Neither inflatable costume popped or slowly deflated like Theo’s dinosaur one last year, but Bobby, at least, decided he didn’t want an inflatable costume next year. He couldn’t see all night and moving around was difficult. I always imagined we’d be the kind of family to make our own clever costumes every year, but that’s yet another thing I’ve let go. For some reason Halloween always sneaks up on me, plus the fact that the kids actively don’t WANT clever homemade costumes. If they ever came to me with an idea and wanted me to implement it for them, I’d be all in. But they just aren’t those kinds of kids. I told Bobby yesterday how when I was (about) his age I went as a “bag lady”. Yes, that was the 80s, in which it was socially acceptable to wear a costume depicting homelessness for humor. I told him one of the most common kids’ costumes when I was a kid was to dress up as a “hobo”. My how times have changed.</div><div><br></div><div>I’m glad the kids are still invested in Halloween - for me, the fun ended around 11 or 12. But as I’ve said many times, I feel like kids these days are less in a hurry to grow up. Also, many child-like things - playing games, dressing up, having stuffies and toys - are no longer solely for small children. There were plenty of teenagers out last night, and not just to cause havoc like when I was young. They may have been high AF, but at least they were dressed up and having a good time. </div><div><br></div><div>Today I dismantle the Halloween decorations, put away the costumes, make a promise to myself that for the first time ever I won’t spend the entire month of November slowly pilfering the boys’ candy, and settle in to the new month. I finally got flights to FL for Christmas by the hybrid method - flying there on Jet Blue and flying back on Alaska. It was the only way to not be stuck with a 6 AM flight returning. That’s a huge load off my mind. All of the holidays are now accounted for. Phew. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_8d58_e92_85c2_e158" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBe9ycs2cZnJ4rtEdD73UDW19zstoSaRmmyHSluBUexiBWxCDkebeb5_oImsyIEuaDTi7xr8iVaiPmHqt11GqUcgE4ioA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-42920444666449805962023-10-30T09:47:00.001-07:002023-10-30T09:47:52.515-07:00Tributes This weekend we went back to our wedding and camping space to pay tribute to the man who bought the land some 40 years ago and set it up as a place for lost souls to wander and live and find themselves. He died earlier this year - we only met him once, briefly, the weekend before the wedding. When we explained who we were and said we were getting married there the next weekend, he said, “don’t do it!” Ha ha. Anyway, I got notified on FB that they were doing a celebration of life this last Saturday, so we went. <div><br></div><div>It was about what I expected - a rag-tag band of random people, some hippies, some raver types, some older conservative folks that must have been family, and people hard to figure out like us. There were only a couple of other kids there. But we listened to the tributes and wandered around the space and shared some food. We would have stayed longer but it was wicked cold - intense, biting winds blowing, and even the scarves and gloves and winter coats weren’t enough. I didn’t know the man beyond that one meeting, but I found myself getting quite emotional more than once. Maybe it was that church-like feeling of people coming together to celebrate something; maybe it was the beautiful full moon rising over the hill that took my breath away, maybe it was the sound of the wind skidding over the boulders. I don’t know - but that place is really special. How many places exist like that in the world - beautiful places just set up by some guy, not connected to any business or government agency? I’m not sure what’ll happen to it now that he’s gone, and it didn’t feel polite to ask, but I’m hoping since it’s a 501c3 and set up for paid campsites and things like that that it’ll continue as before. That’s one non-profit I would get involved in, if they were ever looking for people to help.</div><div><br></div><div>Friday I helped out at the boys’ Harvest Festival, and it was just as nuts as I’d anticipated - I just got thrown into the fire making sno cones for long lines of people with little or no guidance. For an hour I ground ice, packed serving cones, refilled syrup bottles, and took orders when that person wandered off. A couple of the moms chatted with me when we could - I could tell they were craving connection, too - but the work was so fast paced and relentless that there wasn’t much room for socializing. Picture The Bear - sno cone edition.</div><div><br></div><div>The boys had fun in their costumes and running around with their friends, but it’s weird to think this is Bobby’s first and last experience at this school. Maybe I’m projecting my own weirdness on to him but I feel like he’s not really committed to this place, either, knowing it’s just a way station. Of course, it’s hard to tell with an eleven-year-old boy. If I were to ask him about this I’m sure he’d just shrug. We always tell him he can come to us with anything and talk to us about anything - but I also know that he won’t, and perhaps, shouldn’t. I would have been mortified to talk to my mother about any of the things swirling around for me at that age; of course, my mother wasn’t very approachable for a variety of reasons, but honestly I probably think I am but actually am not, just as she probably thought she was but actually wasn’t. I also think kids, especially at that age, probably want to figure things out for themselves and have some privacy and separation from their mothers. I respect that. </div><div><br></div><div>Much talk about junior high school selection, and I think some of the other parents are finding out the hard way that, if you chose to keep your kid in elementary school for 6th grade, the chances of being admitted to any of the top schools for 7th are pretty much nil. I don’t know why they didn’t know this - I certainly did - but I’m seeing it slowly dawn on some of them. It’s also validating to hear that other parents are concerned about long commutes in rush hour traffic. Quality of life is important, and three to four hours of driving back and forth a day just isn’t worth it in my book. All of this to say, I’m feeling more confident in my choice to just choose the local jr/sr high (Plan A). We don’t find out until March if he actually made it in or not, but even if he didn’t make it in to the actual gifted program, I think I’d still get a permit for the regular school. </div><div><br></div><div>Tomorrow is Halloween which means the end of the first part of the holiday trifecta. This is actually the simplest one, tbh. Thanksgiving involves the big move of furniture out to the cabin, which will be very complicated and expensive. I did manage to get us tickets to Thanksgiving dinner up at the top of the mountain in Palm Springs - the H is always wanting us to ride the gondolas up there, so hopefully this will be a welcome surprise. Then Christmas has been a bit fraught and I’m stressed out that I still don’t have travel plans locked down - we’re supposed to go to Florida, but tickets are sky high, so my sister and I are vigilantly watching prices. Hopefully we can lock something down soon. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_d7a0_52ba_ecb4_676f" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBybZ8LAeT2XMGiR098fLoF8jz13uZgmPpJIaEH9UPpNN3jUXN2G2hrlFOLb9iEH27VJMuD-SZTYcT0mOylcFlPITyoMw" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b73_f1e0_cf26_ef5f" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaDwjuVxk640ke-eOgyJbvJSDsZWj5QipI2870o-K4I4Fh8KQl-wutfEoXAFh5ItETOAo8a715Xzjy6F2_qXRjKY36uL" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_5d4e_b8a9_f31_bc8d" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaCzThZdhoXYExVqdL_pddCT0qkCw0Tx2bmLLPDvPrjSVh6ZT2aXSDGa5K_T4nTPokYlrrPUZTsPO11xoqznVS2nG_AVug" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><img id="id_b07f_9fb4_763a_89dd" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaB1gJVJW4_1uXUxnAiM_4y-HUPPyAkNSYR2Q3w6Cuq4VvkQ7dfm4XiJRXgoQQ4wiFhkGKWc8WvsV8bSz7Xw6ECrW9XS" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-42356338592141745942023-10-23T12:15:00.001-07:002023-10-23T12:15:14.267-07:00Pumpkin patchin’I had worried that the kids were getting too old for the annual pumpkin patch visit, but we went yesterday with the donor siblings as has become our tradition, and had a thoroughly great time. <div><br></div><div>It started a bit messy as Bobby woke up with a fever and was lethargic and didn’t want to eat anything, and the H also said he felt achy and foggy-brained. Tested for covid - negative. Also one of the moms couldn’t make it due to work, so it was just two moms and three kids, which, unsurprisingly, was a lot more manageable. It’s odd to occasionally have a peek at what life would have been with only one child and no husband. Very, very different, as it turns out. </div><div><br></div><div>I kept Bobby home from school today as a precaution. It was also the first day of my three-day stint volunteering for the safety valet drop off; apparently at this school every classroom asks every parent to volunteer at least three days. I was (and am) happy to help out (anything but being booster club treasurer - lol), but of course as an introvert it was a little excruciating. It was typical of my school volunteering experiences: I show up far too early and am the only one there for a good 15 minutes; because I’m the only adult, people start asking questions and beginning the responsibilities even though I have no idea what’s going on and I just have to jump in and act like I know what I’m doing; nobody really explains anything so I just go with it, then in a rush it’s all over. At least having used the safety valet every day myself, I already knew the concept of waving the cars down to the end of the line, opening the doors, saying good morning, etc. The family dynamics were interesting. The parents who don’t look at me or say anything to me are the ones with kids who don’t look at me or say anything to me; the ones who are friendly and personable and make eye contact have kids who do the same. One particularly delightful little boy who gave me a huge smile and “good morning!” had a mother who also was very friendly. Funny how that works. </div><div><br></div><div>Two more days of volunteering, and for sure we’re leaving later after today. Then on Friday I’m working Theo’s class’s snow cone booth at the harvest festival for an hour; over the weekend we’re headed to the desert to have a cabin visit and attend the memorial of the man who ran the location where we got married, which should involve some pot luck items on my part; on Halloween we’ve been invited to a party which also involves pot luck items on my part. So there’s a lot of non-work related labor coming up soon. I bought the most ridiculous chicken costume I could find for Halloween - I find it’s just better when I’m wearing something silly. With the kids older and less maintenance on Halloween I feel like I have more freedom to participate. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_d1fc_3104_b7c6_f1db" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBRKdl1QbnDxtRjA9wupxifMVtgGzIzzt2mXGasXZhMcmbeNDQHSUU5ybdsNyr5CMCzqvh6Sq4NH4W3UAyIOcrHMuWNVA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-23251538985877779032023-10-16T12:22:00.001-07:002023-10-16T12:22:47.727-07:00ActivitiesI took the kids to see The Muppets Take Manhattan at our new neighborhood revival house on Sunday. The night before we went to a puppet show. I’m glad the kids are still into things like this; Bobby, especially, absolutely loves puppets. I’m curious if he’s going to grow into a hardened, jaded middle schooler who thinks everything is uncool. Or have the generations changed and kids aren’t in such a rush to grow up anymore…? This is the question that plagues me, and only time will tell. I would *think* that Bobby is enough of an iconoclast that he won’t be subject to peer pressure; Theo, I’m not so sure. I personally was not subject to peer pressure and always did what I wanted. We shall see.<div><br></div><div>Bobby’s armpits have started smelling - I looked at him and said, “are things starting to happen?” and he said yes, that plus some other stuff. I’m going to get him some deodorant today. I gave him a quick lesson on how to most effectively use it (because no one ever explains anything to kids). He still seems like a little boy to me, but that’s probably just my mom lens and the fact that I see him all day so I don’t see him actively growing. I’m trying to push him intellectually - I had him watch Religulous with me and explained how this movie was so instrumental to me when I was struggling with belief in god; I’m trying to talk him into seeing my favorite 60s Japanese art/horror movie, Onibaba, at the revival theater next week, but I don’t think he’ll go only because he doesn’t like horror. </div><div><br></div><div>It occurred to me that in just over two years he’ll be the age I was when I stopped living with my mother and moved in with my sister at fourteen. I thought I was <i>so </i>mature and grown up, like all fourteen-year-olds do. I think when I finally see my fourteen year old child and realize just how young he actually is, I’ll be really horrified that my mother thought it was a good idea for me to essentially be on my own at that age. She got a lot of criticism about it and was always very defensive about it, and as the dutiful daughter I defended her, too. It was fine, I said. Nothing bad happened, I said. And nothing did, not really, but it definitely shaped me in such a way that probably didn’t help me later in life - being hyper vigilant, isolating, being afraid to ask for help, etc etc. Well. The good thing is my sons will have an in-house mother through their teen years whether they want one or not, ha ha! </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_8b51_d1ff_fd7a_d5bb" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaAF4-0JfS06GwqV0hqPfHwdQIiEoHOsW80xkvuHFEuiRivlBfMpHAsOZ8cJ0-db4Dn4WV-qbrbm3hG06xR4KLCHHJg1kA" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2688810272914203813.post-77805213815866772112023-10-10T11:37:00.001-07:002023-10-10T11:37:55.415-07:00Gauntlet survived I have survived the gauntlet of weekend travel gigs - Chicago two weekends ago, and Eureka (northern CA) this weekend. To celebrate I went to the doctor early this morning and had my boobs smashed, blood drawn, and an X ray on my very painful big toe that’s made it increasingly difficult to walk for several months, to the point where I’m pretty incapacitated. Why have I not dealt with this before? Tune in to my new podcast to find out, coming next month.<div><br></div><div>This weekend was a jazz festival - a very rare occurrence for us as we normally play dances (my preferred method) - one which we actually blew a chance to play some years ago. This was before my bandleader got help for his adhd and he never answered any calls or emails from the organizer; a groveling apology later and we were hired for this year. There were many positive things about it - some friends came, so it was fun spending time with them; the mostly elderly audience was very receptive; I enjoyed time walking around the quaint little Victorian town by myself and shopping when I was stranded with no car. But. I can honestly say the whole experience kind of bummed me out, and not for the reasons you’d think. Mostly, it was being in this charming little town that has clearly been completely wiped out by meth and opioids - the meth zombies were literally everywhere, and there was a constant feeling of menace everywhere we went - it was actually pretty shocking. I mean, the desert is like this, too, but for some reason that feels different to me; when I think about the desert areas we go to, I think about interesting people moving out there to do interesting things. I suppose people do that in this town, too…I don’t know. Maybe it was the combination of PNW rain and fog plus meth that had me just feeling gross. It was like living in the movie River’s Edge. I couldn’t wait to get back to cloyingly sunny happy Los Angeles, I gotta be honest. Anyway, most likely we’ll be invited back, so I guess I’d better get over it. </div><div><br></div><div>There’s a whole circuit of these small town jazz festivals that most of these guys (and they are all pretty much white guys, let’s be honest) go to. Technically we should be in that loop, but for me, I have zero interest. I spent some time last night ineffectively explaining this to the H. I don’t know how to explain how not fun these situations are for me. There’s a lot of sitting around and waiting, followed by frantic setting up and breaking down and terrible sound because there’s no time for sound checks. And I’m not a “real” musician like these other folks - the concept of jamming out doesn’t really apply to me, as the girl singer, and one who has zero interest in inserting herself into other people’s spaces (and it is a completely white male space, which, as much as these guys are all neurodivergent nerdy types and therefore mostly lacking in bro-y toxic masculinity, I still don’t feel comfortable there). So I find it mostly isolating and boring. At least at a dance event I know everyone, can maybe dance a little, or make small talk with like-minded people. I don’t know. It all just makes me want to run away and watch Korean dating shows on my phone. </div><div><br></div><div>The boys seemed to have survived their weekend of farting and burping and making messes with dad in control; I won’t be leaving them again for some time. It’s a relief, because these trips make it hard to focus on anything at home. The boys have their own doctor appointments next week (after Theo’s urgent care trip for the flu last year, we’re getting flu shots this time, dammit), and I need to start a few house cleaning projects (it’s time for a kid clothing cull and game closet cull). Fall is here and I’m digging it. Especially SoCal fall which means it still occasionally dips into the 90s. I’m here for it. </div><div><br></div><div><img id="id_76bd_9b75_9f56_1ae9" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/drive-viewer/AK7aPaBOaKvphYyqEzn_DF21tf--b1nLiM7Of7L7_-66mzZqKZdX9oxBr7qEjV81mdno4S4l4nS1YEh5-Brj1ujFw4K_i99UVQ" alt="" title="" tooltip="" style="width: 298px; height: auto;"><br><br><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>wottadollhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16527435736562324563noreply@blogger.com0