Thursday, June 2, 2016

Meditations on a year since online dating

I believe it was a year ago today I tentatively dipped my foot back into the online dating pool after a disastrous romantic overture to a male friend was rebuffed (that episode still mortifies me on a daily basis). Right about now I was fielding that avalanche of early respondents - none of which panned out, of course. I would deal with a text rapist, a Cross Fit addict with anger issues, a million unreturned messages and a dozen or so pointless first dates, to finally land on The Boyfriend, or as I used to call him, Blown Out 80s Rockabilly Tatoo. In just a month we celebrate a year together. Which I do believe is a record for me. 

What can I tell other single mothers thinking of getting into online dating? It's kind of the only way to meet people these days, and yet it's a cesspool of rejection, dick pics, and flakes. I did online dating through most of my 30s with zero results, which lead me to becoming an SMC before time ran out. Yet at least 50% of the people I know in relationships met on online dating sites, which means it does work for some people. How can it be so horrid and ineffective and so profoundly positively change your life at the same time? Is it, like everything else in life, just about chance and timing?

Is it like the Lotto - you've got to be in it to win it? What constitutes "winning"? Getting married? Being exclusive? Just finding someone who likes you as much as you like least some of the time? Who knows?

After nearly a year with this person, I can say it's similar to being a parent - there are times when you love the experience, and times when you don't. Only with children you don't have the luxury of breaking up, nor can you expect anything in return. With children there's the burden of the fact that they have unformed brains that can only understand so much; with another adult there's the burden of their lifetime of bad habits and hang ups. And the constant nagging fear that, just as you have the option to opt out at any time without giving a reason, so do they.

I know several people whose spouses suddenly and inexplicably took off after more than a decade of (seemingly) happy marriage. And even the best relationships end with one person dying and the other being left heartbroken. 

Ain't no happiness nowhere.

With all this said, though, as I've mentioned, the BF and I are in a very good place right now, in part due to the fact that the nicotine patch is actually working to help him quit smoking, and in part due to the fact that we've been together so long now that I am starting at last to get "used" to him. I'm not an easy nut to crack, it's true.

Tonight I leave for what could be a bit of a torturous trip to Rochester - overnight flight, play that night, play again the next night and probably stay up all night to get a 6 AM flight back to LA. I have asked the babysitter to keep the kids out that day so I can just come home and sleep. I got away with my short trip to Korea with zero ill effects, but I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky this time.

Then as soon as I get home my house is torn up the entire month of June for more renovations. Hawaii in July can't come soon enough!

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