To be honest, the words "break up" were never actually used; I spent the day after with no contact wondering what was actually happening - is he still going to hang with the kids this weekend when I'm out of town? Are we still going to Hawaii? Are we on a break? Are we done? Are we friends? What???
Yesterday's silence was entirely trumped by today's barrage of texts - some good, some not so good. He feels I don't trust that he's actually going to do the things he said he would - and he's right; I mean, show me a sign and then maybe I'll believe, huh? I didn't say these things. But he did come across as pretty defensive and accusatory a bit, as if I've done something wrong. Says he really wishes I'd said something about all these things I don't like about him, earlier. I did debate about this for ages as you know. Up until now I just didn't feel like I had the right. Well. So we spent the day going back and forth about if we should break up entirely or just take a break for perspective. Still not sure where we're at.
I'll be brutally honest with you people. I believe we should break up and never see each other again. For all his lovely qualities, he is exhausting and probably not that great for me for all the stress and anxiety he causes. But I just don't have the balls to make a clean break, not at this moment. I am way too emotional and I just can't face it. It's just too sad. He is a good man. Nobody is ever going to be perfect. I know I can always count on him to be fiercely loyal, to protect and care for us, to put us first. It was nice to know I was a priority in someone's life. It's hard to let that go.
It's complicated.
Thank GOD I get to escape to Boston this weekend to be with my dance peeps, meet a fellow blogger, and see my extended family who I haven't seen since Bobby was a baby. I think connecting with my blood relatives who know everything about me and really understand me is going to be tremendously healing.
In the meantime, thank God for awesome single girlfriends! I got a friend to come to Hawaii with me. She is stoked as she says she was just thinking she really needs a vacation. A half hour on the phone with United and I got his ticket refunded and rebooked in her name (with a $200 fee which he offered to pay) and we're off. So excited. I'm bummed I won't get to have hot sex all weekend, but something tells me she and I will have a much better trip than he and I would have had.
In other news, other than a few finishing touches, my awesome blue half bathroom is done. For the first time ever in my life I can use the term "the other bathroom". Yippee!!
No advice but as always, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I was never one that could do a clean break... until the last couple when yes, I found the clean break was less painful. But it's hard, too.
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at your comment, though, about blood relatives who "know everything about me and understand me." This isn't necessarily how I would have predicted you would describe your family. Mine either, for that matter.