It's been an odd week. Over the weekend I got the wild hair to have a serious sit down with The Boyfriend; a possible relationship-ender. Which has sent me into a maelstrom of mixed feelings and second guessing. And then he ended up having the worst week of his life at work - everyone calling in sick and him having to manage on his own, working until almost midnight every night and miserable. He's gone home every night. So, not a good time to confront him. And now it's Valentine's Day in two days. Sigh. There's just never a good time to have "the talk".
Number one is I have to tell him he has to make a plan to quit smoking, or I'm out. He has many unhealthy, compulsive habits, but this is by far the worst as it directly affects me and my kids. Next is the all-day guzzling of energy drinks. Then it's the compulsive shopping and bad financial habits. He finally got health insurance at the end of the year, and I was excited to have him finally have a thorough checkup and get his teeth looked at - only to cancel it before it even started because he "can't afford it", yet every time we go anywhere he insists on spending hours in the gift shop to buy the boys tons of plastic crap they don't need, and throws away way more than he'd be spending on health insurance on cigarettes and energy drinks each day. It's infuriating. I had convinced myself that until we were living together or married that these were his problems and not mine...but now, seven months in, I'm questioning if I even should be contemplating a future with someone who has such an addictive, compulsive nature. It scares the crap out of me, truth be told.
And it's such a shame because he is a really good man. Good character, good brain, excellent with the kids. He's not perfect; nor am I, or anyone. But I just don't think I can live with his flaws. If he can't quit smoking and stay quit I just don't think I can go on. I have no idea how he's going to react to this. I brought it up once via text when we first started dating and he was kind of weird and defensive...and I resolved to not bring it up again so as not to be a nag. But the time has come. He'll either love me enough to quit and get healthy for us, or he won't and I'll move on. And that's that.
Ugh, I had to tell a guy he needed to quit and we ended up breaking up after a fight during his first week off cigarettes. Quitting can make them super irritable, so be forewarned. I would have given my ex a pass, except the stuff he said during our fight was incredibly racist and I feared it was the real him showing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
There just never is a good time to have a relationship talk, is there? While I agree that smoking is a terrible habit and he should stop, it's much easier said than done. I really think that for the most part people don't believe just how addictive cigarettes really are. My father struggled with quitting for decades before finally kicking the habit with the help of hypnosis. My dad is one tough cookie but those cigs kept his balls in a vice for years. Is it possible that your guy has tried to quit and failed many times before even meeting you so now it really is a sore subject for him? Should he quit? Absolutely. And the kids shouldn't be anywhere near it, but not being able to quit doesn't make him a horrible person.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say about finances. As someone that made some really crappy financial decisions in my 20s I don't feel like I should say anything about how other people manage their money. Any chance the two of you could stay together but keep finances separate? My partner and I do, we each have personal accounts for our own spending and we have a "house" account that all the joint bills are paid out of (utilities, food, etc.) We each put half the cost of the monthly expenses into the "house" account and whatever is left goes into our personal accounts to do with as we please (things for our kids, cell phone bills, car insurance, clothes, etc.) That way as long as he has put his portion of the monthly bills into the account you don't have to worry about the rest of his spending. Roll his health insurance in as a monthly expense..he probably won't notice ;-)
Well, I don't think she said that if he can't quit, he's a horrible person. Just that she can't live with a smoker. Especially because of her two kids. And I absolutely agree.
DeleteI also agree that quitting can be super hard and he might be super grouchy and also that he might need a lot of support.
But also that your kids are worth it.
And also that he needs to have health insurance. And maybe you can bill it as "I don't want you to spend money on the boys if you don't have enough to take care of yourself. Your health and longevity are worth so much more to us than toys from a gift shop." Or words to that effect. So hopefully it doesnt' sound critical as much as appreciative of his generosity while also making your priorities clear.
I'm sorry you have to have this really tough talk. I wouldn't have even considered dating a smoker, but I guess that is close minded of me. Hopefully he can make it happen.
i actually was a smoker briefly, for about a year. And I had a boyfriend who hated it but never told me until after I quit. And I wished he had. Maybe I would have quit sooner. But maybe I wasn't a real smoker, either. Not truly addicted. I don't know. I guess it was hard but if you truly make up your mind to do something, you can do anything.