The good thing about understanding depression is knowing that it will pass and you'll feel normal again. The bad thing about understanding depression is knowing that no matter how good you feel, depression will rear its ugly head again sooner or later.
Lately I've been looking at all of my married child-free friends' posts on FB and thinking maybe they're on to something. They get to take awesome vacations, live in tidy houses, dress nicely, indulge in pampering and self-care and quiet to their hearts' content. And still have plenty of love and companionship and a plan to (hopefully) not be alone in their old age. Sounds pretty good to me.
The last few days of this seemingly endless "vacation" I have felt like crying pretty much all day every day and have been waking up with no desire to start the day. I feel like I can't stand one more minute of:
Sticky hands with black fingernails they refuse to let me trim
Being kicked to death as I try to change them
Both kids being cranky whiny hot messes in the morning as I'm trying to get them changed/dressed/fed/teeth brushed/etc
Wiping, constantly wiping every surface and floor in this house
Refilling sippy cups
Loading/unloading the dishwasher
Laundry that never ends
Garbage cans and diaper pails that are always spilling over
A three year old who screams and hits when I try to gently cajole him into using the potty, then runs into the living room and pees all over the carpet
A three year old who contradicts everything I say
A three year old who refuses to eat anything, ever, and is currently skin and bones
A three year old, in general
I am just so fed up and over all of it. I feel like I have the exhaustion of Methuselah, but none of the "breaks" I arrange for myself seem to make any difference. They spent a whole day on Saturday at the "baby kennel" while I hung out with friends - a luxury most mothers could scarecely dream of - and yet I was still exhausted.
I think even a week on the beach in Hawaii by myself would not be enough. Nothing would be enough.
Theo is pretty easy and low-key. He's a great eater, sleeper, and all-around great kid. His presence has not added much stress to my life other than just more physical wrangling. And Bobby - bless 'im - is a good boy in general. I do love him - heck, I even like him - but, you know, three. The amount of mental and verbal gymnastics I have to go through all day every day just for the most basic things - getting dressed, putting shoes on, eating lunch, taking a bath, peeing, etcetc. Yesterday a simple day at home with The Boyfriend doing some home repairs left me so emotionally drained that I ended the day throwing things and swearing after B pissed on the carpet after refusing to use the potty and then refused to brush his teeth. Moments like that, and knowing how many thousands like it I still have ahead of me, fill me with despair. And this is with everything going well - business on track, healthy kids, nice relationship, roof over my head, etc. What would I do if even one of those things changed? Cease functioning entirely?
Anyway. All of this is just depression talking, and I know that. Soon - maybe even tomorrow - I'll feel differently, and these things that seem so insurmountable now will appear manageable. In just a week B starts school every day and that is going to be huge.
But at this moment I feel really shitty and overwhelmed and fed up. I can admit that. All I want is the kids to go to bed so I can watch Downton Abbey and put on the kettle and a nice fire. Then see what tomorrow brings.