Friday he came over to "watch a movie". He showed up with a giant, beautiful flower arrangement (awwwwww). The movie (Going Clear) turned out to be corrupted on my dvr so we made out instead. I didn't want him to leave so I asked if he'd stay over if it was ok if we just cuddled. He did and we did.
Honestly - I was a ball of anxiety that day before he came over. I became absolutely obsessed with thoughts of my last "relationship" before I decided to go the Smc route. It was the last time something went from 0-60 like this, the last time someone was so attentive and did and said all the right things...only to have it crash and burn just a few weeks later when I realized this person was a lazy, entitled sociopath who would have sucked the life out of me had I not cut it off at the pass. All I could think about was, is this guy going to be the same? Is he going to be another horrible let down? Or even darker thoughts - is he a rapist? Is he a child molester? What am I getting into???
I sometimes have issues with anxiety. I've mentioned that, right?
Anyway. As soon as I saw his sweet face coming up the stairs I just knew everything would be ok. We talked all night, got no sleep, and then the next day I did kid stuff while he went to work and then he took me to a Chemical Brothers concert where I did not, despite my fears, have a panic attack, and then he stayed over again but it was so freaking late by the time we got home that we both just collapsed in bed and slept.
But then last night after he worked again and I had a pleasant day at a kid's birthday party on the beach, he came over and we totally did it. And it hurt and I was off my game having not experienced sex with another person in the room since 2010. But that's to be expected, and it was actually a lovely experience despite how anxious I was about it
It kind of reminded me of my first time at the old age of 20. It hurt and was kind of awkward for me but I was with someone I really liked and felt really safe with, so it was ok. That feeling safe thing is very important.
Later he grabbed my hand and told me he adored me. He's a very special guy. He really is.
How did we manage all this with the kids in the house? Well, they slept through everything and he would leave in the morning before they got up. It's far from ideal, but really, what are our options?
It's fascinating to be with a "real man" who has tons of relationship experiences and is so open about his feelings. I can see how many women would find this off putting - he can be very feminine that way - but luckily for him, I don't. Perhaps being raised on 70s and 80s androgynous rock stars has some benefit after all.
So, what now? Well, we have yet to really state we're in a relationship but I know that's just around the corner, just like the jettisoning of other daters was. And introducing the kids? No idea. All in due time. No rush.
We have all the time in the world.