And that place is huge. He talks a lot about our future - in somewhat guarded tones, because he doesn't want to freak me out - which is both thrilling and scary. Have I felt like I had a future with someone before and had it all fall apart horribly? Yes. Am I cautious now because of that? No. You only live once, you know? I say just go with your feelings, freely and without fear, dance like nobody's looking, and if it doesn't work out, fuck it. At least you had an interesting experience.
In one of my book clubs someone posited the question, would you rather be a 40 year old grandmother or a 40 year old virgin? I went for grandmother. I was quite shocked anyone would choose virgin, but quite a few people did. I think your answer to this question says a lot about your approach to life.
So what will happen with this guy? Who the hell knows? I feel nothing but good things about him right now, and see a bright future. But I have felt this way about other people before, absolutely. Has he? He says no, that even with his two ex wives he didn't feel the way he does about me. Is he full of shit? I'd like to think not.
It's funny that the things that trouble me are the little stupid things and not the big things. I have zero concerns about introducing him to the kids at some point, for example. But I am concerned about him potentially living here and where all our shit is going to go and what the hell I'm going to cook for him and am I going to be stuck doing his laundry and being a maid. Those things trouble me a lot because I know what happens when men and women get together - the woman just turns into a free housekeeper. I already have to do the work of three people and that is quite enough, thank you very much.
These are the things I think about.
For today I am up in the play space with the kids (the best I can manage after three hours' sleep and on this triple-digit day) and then later tonight he's taking me out. I'm just going to take this one day at a time and try not to sweat the small stuff.