He was FURIOUS.
He said, "you pull this crap on my daughter's frickin' birthday???"
I told him I hadn't heard from him for days, he left my last texts unanswered, what was I supposed to think?
He went on. Told me I was insecure and that's his one deal breaker, went on and on about how dare I mess with his time with his daughter like this, etc etc. All I could do was shame-facedly apologize and back pedal. I groveled. It was humiliating.
But there was no point. He was done with me. I blew it. With one stupid text.
BUT. What, exactly, did I blow? Well, probably something that would have made me feel neglected and frustrated. All of our contact, except the first one, had been initiated by me. Every text, every call, both dates. All me. Which doesn't make you feel good even when the person seems to be on board with whatever you're offering. He told me that his ex- is trying to ramp up his custody so that he would have his daughter part of every weekend and several weeknights. For me, I can get a sitter any old time and pop out to see someone. A guilt-ridden divorced dad is not getting a sitter even if the child is asleep. So he'd be unavailable pretty much most of the time. I would be his lowest priority in life. Is that what I want? No it is not.
Sure, I overreacted to not hearing from him in a couple of days. But keep in mind he never left me hanging like that, ever. He was always right on it when I texted him and we'd go on to have a nice long conversation, even with his daughter there. Not answering three texts and no contact for three days? I think that's cause for some concern, no? Especially when the plan is to come over and sleep with me! I guarantee he would not have contacted me today or tomorrow because of the daughter's birthday party. How would I have felt after almost a week of no contact?
My sister pointed out that it was kind of alarming how angry he was, how rigid and unforgiving. It seems like every time I talked to him he was drinking and sad and frustrated about something, almost always having to do with the ex- and his daughter. I think his life is kind of messy. He's definitely an obsessive control freak like me. My sister pointed out two obsessive control freaks are not a good match. She's so right.
So, I don't think this man would have brought me anything but misery. So often those matches that are all hot and heavy at first go down that road - this has pretty much always been the case for me. I definitely was drawn to him by a variety of factors - our shared history, shared cultural references, shared parenting experience, and his physical desire for me was awesome. But yeah, little red flags...the drinking, the obsessive working out (he does this culty group workout thing that kind of takes over your life), the messy marriage breakup, the disapproving parents...I was asking myself all day long why I sent that stupid text, but I think really I was like a captured animal chewing off her leg to free herself. I'm not an idiot. I knew if I sent that it would be the end, and it was.
My evening so far has consisted of a man who chatted me up online and then abruptly stopped talking to me when I told him how young my kids are, and a guy who gave me his number earlier so we could chat tonight who has not answered my text.
La lucha continua, huh?