Thursday, April 30, 2015

It's not you...

I have been debating all day about whether to write today or wait until I feel better. But my stance with this blog is to put it all out there so people feel less alone in their own craziness. I feel like the people who prefer to present a perfect life online only make the rest of us feel crappy about ours, whereas those of us who put our weaknesses and bad moments out there help people feel better. Here's hoping this helps someone.

I had hoped that if The Love Interest rejected me that I would be able to "walk it off" and hold my head high and just be proud of myself and not take it personally. And some of this is true - I am proud of myself and I know his rejection of me 100% has nothing to do with me, my attractiveness, my worth as a person, etc. But oh boy am I having a hard time shaking this off.

The truth is, I feel horrible.

I feel physically sick - nauseated, no appetite, like I have a brick in my stomach, my legs and arms feel weak and I'm dizzy when I stand up. And today I kept bursting into tears at random moments. I haven't slept and everything depresses me. I've only been able to listen to loud, raucous music because anything even the slightest bit sentimental makes me want to cry. I feel completely, utterly heartbroken.

The thing I can't stop thinking about is how happy I would have been right now had it gone another way. Had he said he felt the same way and was happy about my coming out with it like I did, I would just be over the moon right now. I would be thrilled and relieved and ecstatic. Instead, I feel like this. And it went horribly. Apart from me being an idiot and saying or doing something I regretted, it kind of couldn't have gone worse. You should have seen just how pained and embarrassed he was. He couldn't get away from me fast enough. It was awful.

And it's all so maddening and confusing. You like me, you're attracted to me, but you don't want to be with me. Huh? I did call our mutual friend and he was entirely unhelpful. He had heard nothing about it - so clearly my LI had not mentioned our hanging out to even his closest friend - and all he could say was, "well, it sounds like you were both being honest." He could offer me no insight into this guy's relationships or where he's at now with this stuff; he says they haven't talked about things like this in a long time. He did say he admired my huge brass balls, though. So there's that.

All my friends, including my very supportive book club last night, are disappointed and befuddled and annoyed for me. Which feels good, so at least I know I'm not the only one sitting here going, "what the fuck???" I did talk to one of my single friends who told me over the years she's had several men do to her what I just did, and she reacted the same way - shocked, embarrassed, ran away - and said she just didn't want to do what it took to be in, and maintain, a relationship, and now is wondering if some of these guys were "the one that got away". I'm sure this is this guy's issue - he finds me appealing enough but just doesn't want to make the fucking effort. Great.

So, I wondered what it would be like after our dinner, and now I know. Much like I used to stand over my sleeping newborn babies and say to myself, "now I know." I've walked over a threshold with this guy after twenty years, and now I'm on the other side. And in this case, the other side sucks.

I think my advice would be to anyone attempting to turn a friendship into a relationship in which the other person has never even slightly indicated any interest, don't. Your gut is always right. Your heart is not.


  1. I'll preface my comment by saying I am, apparently, bad at relationships and don't really know what I'm talking about. Random thoughts: 1. I'm sorry you are feeling bad but think it's totally normal and you shouldn't feel bad about that. You had a lot of hopes for this to work out and you care about this guy. 2. You really do need to give yourself props for going after this, for being up-front with him - it took confidence and guts and you really do need to be proud of yourself for that. 3. It really is good that he didn't just jump in for fun, sex, whatever for a while, knowing deeper inside he wasn't really interested - be glad that didn't happen. 4. Who knows why he doesn't feel that way? Maybe it's because you have young kids, maybe something else. Don't wonder about it because it in no way reflects on your attractiveness, appeal, what-have-you. I'm sorry you got a BFN -- it truly sucks. I admire you and hope you are feeling a bit more positive about it sooner rather than later.

  2. I'm so sorry that it didn't go well and that you're feeling so blue about it. Props to you for having the balls to say what you feel though. As I'm sure your friends have told you, it's his loss. You're a strong, beautiful woman and he should feel honored that you feel any affection for him at all. I hope you feel better soon.

  3. Oh I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! I know you know the issue is with him but that doesn't stop you from feeling the way you do. I just hope a little more time will help you feel better!! And once again, I admire you for putting yourself out there.

  4. I had to reread you post after I read Claire's comment about BFN! Isn't that funny that I automatically think of a pregnancy test! Haha! I thought I had missed something really, really big! As far as the guy, you were going to have this heartbreak whether you told him when you did or one month from now. Be glad you told him sooner rather than later because it would have been much harder. Sometimes I wonder if being a SMC can be intimidating for guys... we are strong women who clearly don't need a man, and we have our kids 24/7. This too shall pass...

  5. Ugh. I have been there, and that physical reaction you are having is like nothing else. Just awful. I admire you for putting yourself out there. i dont least you know you can still have feelings and want a relationship? M is almost 4, and I feel so deadened to that now - except in my dreams. You gave it a shot. It didn't work. You've still got 2 beautiful sons, run your own business, and are a total hottie. What's this guy got? :)

  6. Maybe you didn't realize you had your hopes up as much as you did. Maybe it's due to lack of sleep. But regardless of the reason you're feeling this way? It's normal! SOOOOO normal! Sucks, but there it is. Hopefully, and likely, with some time, it'll get better.

    And now you can bring up your boys to not be so embarrassed at times such as these, and run away. With you - Ms. Brass Balls - as their mother, no way they'd do such a thing!

    Thinking of you, and hoping you're feeling better with time.

  7. I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt. Of course you're disappointed, you had hopes for this guy & what could be. You were brave enough to put yourself out there & should be proud of that but on the other hand don't beat yourself up for your feelings for how it turned out. Allow yourself to mourn those hopes you'd had for him.

  8. I'm so proud of you (does that sound too condescending? I hope not) for putting it out there. You are awesome!

    I'm sorry he wasn't interested. As you know intellectually, it doesn't mean anything about you. He's a jury of one. He wasn't into you "that way" but it doesn't mean you aren't awesome, hot, brilliant, strong, beautiful, talented, etc. It just means you don't ring this particular bell in that particular way.

    Being vulnerable is so hard and sometimes, like this, so painful. But I'm so glad you got the wondering out of the way. And some guys put themselves out there all the time. Rarer for us girls. But I wonder if that means it gets less painful with subsequent times.

    I hope you will keep putting it out there.