Sunday, January 11, 2015

The stories we tell ourselves

Had a really scary incident last night. Bobby woke up screaming just about every hour on the hour. The first time I asked if his tummy hurt and he said yes, so rather than have him throw up all over his bed and soft toys I shuffled him into the bathroom where he got much more upset and started screaming "I don't! I don't!" I rubbed his back and told him I was there and I know being sick is yucky. He got more and more upset and started writhing around and I had a moment of absolute adrenalin-spiked panic: ohmygod my son is dying right in front of me! Will we make it to an emergency room? I thought burst appendix, meningitis??? My mother was right about one thing - it's so scary when your children are too little to tell you what's wrong. On the verge of waking the baby and throwing him into the carrier and dragging us all to the ER in our pjs...suddenly B seemed to settle down. And just wanted a hug. I asked him if he wanted to lie down and he said yes, so I put him back in bed and lay down next to him until he fell asleep. He woke up about six times after this. And never threw up or did anything else. I didn't sleep. At all.

The next morning I discovered the culprit. Hard, rock-like poop. Fuck me.

We're going to have to work on this kid's diet a little. 

Went to my "atheist church" for the second time today. I wanted to hear the speaker who was a guy who was a Seventh Day Adventist preacher who decided to try being an atheist for a year and never went back. I was hoping he'd talk in depth about that, but didn't - he spoke instead about discovering the story you've been told, whether it be your religious story or The American Dream or anything else, is in fact a lie, and how to cope with that.

Other than discovering my religion was a lie, I'd have to say the other big lie of my life was The Nuclear Family. Finding the perfect guy and having the perfect family. I still deal with the fallout of this (no pun intended) and will forever, as will any SMC who did not set out to pursue this path as Plan A (some women actually always wanted to be single parents but I believe they are extremely rare). I think most people find The Nuclear Family to be a lie - anyone who divorces, gets cheated on, or just is perpetually unhappy in their new role as spouse and parent. So, what's the point of a belief system that excludes tons of people - those who choose not or can't have children, those who choose to have children alone or end up alone with children, the gay??? I don't want to be a part of that. I'm kind of proud I'm not, honestly, scary midnight bathroom episodes notwithstanding.


  1. Scary for sure. It's the worst when they can't tell you what is wrong. E started complaining her butt hurt & I automatically became fearful she was being molested...turns our the hard poop was the culprit there too.

  2. Carys also was constipated for several weeks last fall right after our move (or more like you describe, hard poop - b/c she was going plenty, I just figured out that it was making her stomach hurt). She also was waking up at night and saying her tummy and back hurt. I cut out most dairy and gave her lots of craisins, raisins and fresh fruit, and it cleared up. I agree we shouldn't idolize the nuclear family (like we as a society tend to do, though less and less I think). But damn I sure could use some regular help, someone else who cares about these kids as much as I do, and some adult companionship...

  3. Ugh! Every time I type a comment here, it seems to disappear.

    Nutshell re-type:

    I have been saying for a while now that I look forward to the day that Evelyn can communicate with me and tell me what's wrong, where it hurts, etc...This whole lack of communication thing is so frustrating for both of us.

    Also - I hope you get the constipation thing sorted. I really felt your fear when reading about the bathroom episode. You poor thing! I hope you got some good sleep the following night.