Today I had a really nice visit with fellow Smc Jen and her twins. Two women and four kids in public and we managed! It was the kind of day where everything went so well I had to ask myself, "huh, just a few days ago I wanted to drive off a cliff. What was that all about?" But giving respect to where I was a few days ago, yeah. Days with toddlers can be real hit or miss. Sometimes your family life looks like you always dreamed it would, and sometimes it looks how you always feared it might.
Speaking of fears, I've had a return of my odd anxiety choking disorder thing where I'm minding my business eating something and all of a sudden it's like I forget how to swallow and my throat clamps shut and I start panicking and choking. Fun times, huh? I can manage it by slowing down, relaxing, and talking myself through the mechanics of each swallow. But it is a gauge of how much anxiety is in my life, even buried. Obviously something heavy is going on with me if that's popping up again.
I am also having irrational fears. I am terrified some crazed gunman is going to barge into B's school and start shooting. I know I shouldn't even be saying this, but I know my saying it is not going to magically cause it to happen (despite what my former religion claims). I look at the one woman opening and closing the gate for the children and think, "anybody could just shoot her and then head right in and kill everybody". And this is entirely true. But as with everything in life, you just have to weigh the odds of that happening and remind yourself that it's very, very unlikely, aka not worth worrying about. I suppose all of this started last week when I saw multiple Facebook posts about a "mentally unstable" man wearing fatigues and a grenade belt lurking around my sons' future elementary school, who has been confronted by the police, but is still making appearances. If my kids were in that school right now I'd be absolutely terrified. I'd be tempted to shoot him when nobody was looking and save the school a potential horrendous tragedy. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that thought. So naturally I start thinking about B's preschool, which is very large and well known, and the unsavory characters that always loiter around because of the homeless outreach program right next door, and, yeah. Suddenly my throat doesn't so much feel like swallowing.