Friday, October 3, 2014

New phases and new concerns

There have been a couple of big changes in our little lives in the past few days. One is that Bobby is using the potty about once a day, usually before bed, at his request. The other is Theo is sitting up and pretty much crawling. Which means Bobby is interacting with him much more - giving him toys, talking to him, wanting to play with him. These are all really cool things that make me happy.

Today I had a really nice visit with fellow Smc Jen and her twins. Two women and four kids in public and we managed! It was the kind of day where everything went so well I had to ask myself, "huh, just a few days ago I wanted to drive off a cliff. What was that all about?" But giving respect to where I was a few days ago, yeah. Days with toddlers can be real hit or miss. Sometimes your family life looks like you always dreamed it would, and sometimes it looks how you always feared it might.

Speaking of fears, I've had a return of my odd anxiety choking disorder thing where I'm minding my business eating something and all of a sudden it's like I forget how to swallow and my throat clamps shut and I start panicking and choking. Fun times, huh? I can manage it by slowing down, relaxing, and talking myself through the mechanics of each swallow. But it is a gauge of how much anxiety is in my life, even buried. Obviously something heavy is going on with me if that's popping up again.

I am also having irrational fears. I am terrified some crazed gunman is going to barge into B's school and start shooting. I know I shouldn't even be saying this, but I know my saying it is not going to magically cause it to happen (despite what my former religion claims). I look at the one woman opening and closing the gate for the children and think, "anybody could  just shoot her and then head right in and kill everybody". And this is entirely true. But as with everything in life, you just have to weigh the odds of that happening and remind yourself that it's very, very unlikely, aka not worth worrying about. I suppose all of this started last week when I saw multiple Facebook posts about a "mentally unstable" man wearing fatigues and a grenade belt lurking around my sons' future elementary school, who has been confronted by the police, but is still making appearances. If my kids were in that school right now I'd be absolutely terrified. I'd be tempted to shoot him when nobody was looking and save the school a potential horrendous tragedy. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that thought. So naturally I start thinking about B's preschool, which is very large and well known, and the unsavory characters that always loiter around because of the homeless outreach program right next door, and, yeah. Suddenly my throat doesn't so much feel like swallowing.


  1. I can really relate to what you said about fears. I overwhelm myself with fear of what ifs & have to say to myself, "STOP!" For me, it's because everything is so good I'm fearful of when the bottom will drop out.

    Yeah for B showing his own interest in potty training!! I have a feeling this will be a smooth transition totally led by him & you just have to go with the pun intended :/

  2. They have a preschool right next to a homeless outreach program? Wtf?! Hello! Never, ever should that be. Can you contact the city and maybe other parents and see about changing that-maybe moving the homeless place? It needs to be somewhere else.

  3. Being a mom means no fear is irrational. Yes, anxiety and obsession are bad for us and get in the way of living but being aware of and afraid of things that can hurt our kids is how mothers made sure the human race survived up to this point.