Monday, February 3, 2014

Feels like the first tri

Anxiety? Check. Fear of my health and the baby's health? Check. Sleeplessness? Check. Obsessive wiping? Check. You would think all of these things would be confined to the first few weeks of pregnancy. Unfortunately I have experienced all of this in the last two days, just shy of 35 weeks.

Got through the night with nothing horrendous happening, only to wake up to more spotting much of the early part of the day. I say "wake up" but I'm not really sure I ever slept. So I felt like crap all day - exhausted, legs like lead, slightly nauseated; symptoms of something happening or just a result of being almost nine months pregnant and being full of anxiety? Who knows?

It didn't help that we had no plans so I just drove around aimlessly hoping B would nap (he didn't), then decided to spend the afternoon in bed. Of course obsessively getting up to pee and wipe - sometimes finding blood, sometimes not. Every minute debating on whether I should just get my butt back to L&D since nothing seemed to have changed. I called the doula. Of course nobody can tell you what to do in a case like this - the only proper answer is always, "well, go get checked out if you want peace of mind." She did say that this is fairly common and she's never had a case of spotting at this point meaning anything - especially with no dilation, no placenta issues, etc. 

But really the only thing that's made me feel better is the fact that there's been no more new blood in several hours. That's all I want. I just want it to stop so I can get back to my life, get back to work, and get back to believing I'm having a normal, healthy pregnancy. I just want it to go away and not come back.

At one point during my lengthy afternoon lie down, B climbed up next to me and, you guessed it, slapped me so hard on the face that I saw stars. It fucking hurt. I said no hitting, don't do that, it hurts, etc etc. And he just laughed and tried to hit me again. And you know what I did? I burst into tears. Just the shock of being hit so hard like that after all this pent up fear and anxiety and I just couldn't handle it. I've heard sometimes crying and making a big deal out of being hurt can actually be the right thing to do with kids this age since otherwise they don't get it. He did start crying, too, and followed me into the bathroom where I of course went to wipe. I can't say he got it that he hurt me...but I'm not sorry I cried. All of this is just a little too much. 

So, I have now had I believe three major sobbing meltdowns during this pregnancy - the Pink Floyd-fueled car sob when I was so afraid of giving birth again; the recent please don't let me hit this child breakdown, and now this one. Well, I give myself permission. Pregnant women cry about all sorts of things. I think crying over a very real fear that something is going wrong with your late term pregnancy is just as valid as crying because your husband made you "ugly" tuna fish sandwiches, no?


  1. I cried a lot while I was pregnant. I think only three times (and valid times) is great!

    I am sorry B nailed you. I got nailed with a hard plastic toy the other day and I know Aidan didn't get it. I didn't even see it coming, so there was no way to encourage gentleness first (he does get that concept).

    Hang in there. Once we are germ free, if you need a place to head someday, send me a text.

  2. Absolutely you are entitled to cry! As much as you want to, sister! But certainly when you are freaked out and spotting and your toddler wallops you.

    I bet it made an impression on him! Maybe he won't do it again (today). Poor guy, I'm sure he's confused about why Mommy's lying in bed. It's a stressful time for both of you.

    Hang in there, Mama. 35 weeks is fantastic! Of course you don't want Bumpus to come yet but you don't have to panic about that in the same way as first trimester. Just keep reminding yourself that your cervix was totally closed!

  3. He can probably sense your anxiety and doesn't understand it. I use to do the crying thing with the dogs when they'd nip so they'd learn biting hurt, maybe it works with kids too.

    Hang in there. You've done great so far and there's only a little bit left. I know the spotting can lead to a lot of fear and anxiety. Try to remember that other than that you are having a healthy normal pregnancy.