I realized at my gig last night, for the thousandth time, how much I miss my friends and socializing in general and how much I need to make it a priority in life for my own sanity - but oh, it's just so impossible!! When it comes to dancing you just never know when the fun nights are going to be; it's such a crapshoot. And I have been arranging fun things to do in December for the holidays (a fancy night at a restaurant with friends, a comedy show), but it all COSTS. That is a major downside of not having the money I thought I'd have right now - a, I can't have B in some part time preschool, which I would totally do if I could afford it, and b, I don't feel comfortable paying a babysitter for nights out "just because". My mental state is suffering because of it. And I just don't see it getting better anytime soon. The bigger I get the less enjoyable dancing will be; then there's the whole newborn phase where it's not really feasible to go out at night much...and there will be no more money than I have now; in fact there will be less, as the hospital bills roll in. So unfortunately whatever I'm experiencing now as far as loneliness and alienation is only going to get worse, and for a long time - like, realistically a year, assuming I recover somewhat financially after the next event. So, I'm a bit stuck. I desperately want to participate more in nighttime adult activities but simply can't afford the babysitting fees; yet sitting at home all bitter and bored is really doing a number on me. What to do?
At least I have the band. It's the one thing I do that actually pays, and almost always involves dancing and seeing friends while technically working, which is great. Not to mention zero guilt because I always make money on top of the babysitting fees (well, almost always). I had a blast at our gig last night; it was SO rejuvenating. I wish that happened every weekend.
I keep telling myself that this feeling of being trapped at home and "missing out" will fade, or at least, that it's only temporary - soon enough I won't be pregnant and tired and uncomfortable anymore, and the kids will only get older and more self-sufficient, and money will improve, and the things I'm missing aren't that great anyway. And all of these things are true. I just wish I could do a better job of arranging social outings for myself and for me & B. Having several days in a row with nothing planned is just brutal. I definitely need to work on that. Although maybe today was a bit much.