Yes, I am completely overcome by money worries, to the point of utter paralysis. I need some relief. And last night I think I came up with a temporary solution. The sad thing is it solves nothing - in fact, puts me in a worse position than I'm in now. But it'll make me FEEL better. And we all know economics is largely about feelings - consumer confidence, panics on Wall Street. So I've decided to pay this month's $13,000 credit card bill with my business line of credit that has a very low interest rate, retaining my existing money in the bank for living expenses and hospital bills, and just slowly pay down the line of credit over time, as I've done twice before. Because the rent's too damn high.
I've discovered I just don't have the guts to live debt free but with an empty bank account. It's causing me so much stress I can't even function. Today I nearly had a heart attack when I realized I had to shell out for a $9 bottle of olive oil. This is not good.
So, I go heavily into debt. So I rack up interest. I just have to pretend it's part of my monthly bills, the way people do with their school loans (I have none), or the way I currently do with the $100,000 I owe because of my New Orleans debacle (having bought an investment property there days before Katrina struck). It's easier to forget about debt and pay it down slowly than it is to watch your bank account dwindle to nothing knowing income isn't coming for months.
So, this all was an interesting psychological experiment, and one I'll remember for the future. There are times when aggressively paying down debt doesn't make sense - not when it leaves you utterly broke. Not when the rent's too damn high.
I still have boxes piled in my dining room from the event. I can't bring myself to go through them and file everything away, ready for the new year, because there are too many loose threads dangling still. Negotiations continue with the hotel. I still owe some money to various people. People still haven't cashed their checks, giving the illusion that I have more money than I actually do. Nothing is completed; everything is still dragging on. I feel very unsettled.
14 weeks today.