Friday, July 26, 2013

7 weeks

It's a gloomy, rainy day here in SoCal, but I'm kind of digging it. This time of year is almost always relentlessly hot and sunny, so I'm enjoying the change.

Feeling pretty good today. Have been consistently on the 2s as far as nausea - feeling a little icky, but basically functional - which is amazing considering how awful I felt at this point last time. Every good day is a gift at this point.

Don't let my optimism fool you, though - it's been a rough couple of days emotionally. It may be entirely hormone related, but I had sunk into a bit of a depression. I found myself having those awful downward-spiraling thoughts - that I'm not going to make it financially, that I'm being a shitty, checked-out parent, that I'm totally incapable of raising two kids on my own and this was all a huge mistake. Yes. I've had those thoughts. But, that's me on my worst days. The rest of the time I feel like I'm doing a great job keeping everything together, that things will turn around financially or may not even be as dire as they appear at the moment, that two kids isn't going to be as hard as I think. And so it goes.

I made my last, giant payment on my sewer line bill today, so I am technically free of all non-house or car debt. This sounds good but means nothing when you consider I just robbed from tomorrow to pay for today. But in the final analysis it made more sense to just take the money I have now to pay that off so I don't rack up any more interest; then when I have to use that line of credit to live on in a few months, it'll be there for me. I keep saying to myself I'll just live cheaply all year and maybe I'll make it - no traveling, no construction, no major purchases - but then it hits me like a ton of bricks: oh right, I'm going to GIVE BIRTH next year, which could run me another $7000 in hospital bills, or worse, AND I really, really need to build B his own room before the baby comes so his sleep won't be disturbed. And that should cost several thousand dollars as well. I can just skip that - but I think it would be just hellish having all three of us in one bedroom, with the baby screaming all night and waking up B and making him scream. Honestly it's worth it to me to go far into debt to make sure that scenario never happens. Those first weeks are going to be hard enough; I feel like I need to do everything I can to ease the transition for everyone. 

I was able to replace the guy who canceled out on me - at considerable cost, of course - he called and left a message yesterday; I haven't listened to it. I'm sure he's trying to make sure I'm not mad at him. But at this moment I just don't have it in me to say, "don't worry, it's cool" because it's SO not. But I don't want to lash out in anger, either. So I do nothing. And so it goes.

1 comment:

  1. It's too bad the guy who cancelled couldn't have given you more notice (and too bad his reasons for bailing are emotionally selfish.)

    So glad to hear you've been at 2s. :) On the occasional day I'm nauseous or have a headache, I absolutely can't fathom 2 kids. But when I fell better, I start thinking 3 would be doable. Ha!