Thursday, July 11, 2013

5 weeks

Five weeks tomorrow. This is the point at which I had my first loss. Somehow you always think if you can just make it past that point, everything will be ok, which is so not true. But I know I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief. I made it past those first two weeks of pregnancy where everything is happening so fast and is so fragile. The baby is going to start to look like a baby now. We've moved into fetus territory.

Yesterday I confided in a friend from one of my meet up groups that "I'm having another baby." I never, ever pictured those words coming out of my mouth, ever. Certainly not when I was in the worst of my despair over having any babies at all; and certainly not picturing it like this: a single woman, with one adorable little red headed boy, and me looking like this, and my house looking like this, and our lives being like this. Never would have pictured it. And yet here we are - this is our life. And the life of just mom and Bobby has changed, too. There's going to be another one. Another one!!!

You just never know how something is going to feel until you're right in the middle of it. I wondered what me as a mother would be like - and I'm delighted to report I like me as a mother; I like that I can still have an edge and a sense of humor and still be "me". I like that I don't feel overwhelmed (yet!), that I have no regrets. These are all things I worried about a lot. Not liking myself as a mother. Not recognizing myself. Not liking what I'd "become". And all of these things may yet happen. Who knows what two kids will be like? Who knows what two older, more independent kids will be like? I'll only know when I get there. But I think it will at least be similar to this.

Is this good feeling a result of being older and more self-realized? Is it a result of being single? I think both are at least a little true. I think living with another adult and all the compromise that involves must be a lot more life changing than having a baby; I know that sounds dumb, but hear me out. When people get married, they usually: move into a new, shared space; accept new family members and all that entails; adjust their sleeping/eating/private time; change some friend relationships; change their single behavior. It seems a lot more invasive to me. Not that it's bad - you do those things willingly of course - but with a kid, you're still the one in control. You give up a lot but you don't have another adult requiring it. Does that make any sense? 

So once again I just feel very suited to being a single parent. It's not for everyone, to be sure, and there are certain things you and your children will miss out on. But considering how many people end up single who didn't start out that way, I'd much rather have gone this route.


  1. Who knows, maybe things are just going to totally different - and better - with this pregnancy! And I hear you about the single mother stuff. I'd much rather have *chosen* to do it this way, than to end up this way not by choice. I kind of like being a single mom most of the time. Of course, I don't know any different! But still.

    I hope things continue going smoothly for you during this pregnancy.

  2. Does Bumpus push the highchair and chairs around the room too? Every time I go into the kitchen the chairs have been moved to some strange arrangement!

  3. I think a lot of people are surprised that I wouldn't want to share my life with a partner yet am willing to raise a child (or they think I don't understand the commitment/sacrifice/other-person-ness of having a child). But it really does come down to the role each requires me to play, which you touched on. Caregiver is the role that suits me, whereas equal partner does not. I think we're so lucky to have means to discover that.

  4. I hear you about being single. I'm not sure I'm the marrying/partner type. I have so much freedom and I don't want to give that up.