I know many of you envy my ability to be B's sole caretaker. Hey, I envy myself! It's a gift, it really is. But it's not without its own challenges. Louis CK did a great bit in his last special about how great divorce is and how only seeing his kids half the time makes him a much better dad - that anyone can be a great dad half the week. That's so true. I think about how much harder I'd try if I only saw B at evenings and weekends - how our time together would be so much more precious instead of something to "count down" every day. Often during our day I think "if only I made a game out of this thing he hates (wiping his face and hands, changing diaper, putting on pants and shoes, getting into carseat or stroller) , I could make it fun and not a scream fest," but honestly - half the time I just don't have the energy to make up a song and game for every little thing we do all day. A lot of the time I do - and I'm quite proud of myself when I manage to distract him out of a fit by dancing him around and showing him things around the house. But sometimes I just can't deal. The other day he was doing his usual strain and push up to standing in his high chair which drives me nuts, and rather than coaxing him back to sit I just grabbed his feet and pulled him back into the chair while saying, "SIT your BUTT DOWN." Not one of my better moments. But not one of my worst, either.
So I'm not saying I think our lives would be better if I worked. It would be different, though, if someone (or some group) did half the feeding/changing/napping/entertaining. That will come soon enough with preschool. Woo-hoo!
In other news, still no AF. I called the clinic today to see if they'd put me on Provera. They asked when I weaned and said it really should be right around the corner - like, in the next week. So we agreed that if she doesn't show by next Monday we'll try Provera. I can live with that. I'm not sure where this puts me as far as my first chance to try and how many tries before I have to shut down in September. It does make me edgy. And the idea of even if it works ending up with a very new, fragile pregnancy during my event (and possibly being very, very sick) does not thrill me. But here we are - still no period, and my event less than three months away, and turning 41 next month. I'm up against it, for sure.