Wednesday, June 5, 2013

CD 1...?

I've been having very familiar crampy feelings all day, and have been obsessively wiping, even in the car-! (I know, I know. I made sure no one was looking). Just now there was the faintest tinge of pink. I think something's happening here! Could this be CD 1, my first CD 1 since June of 2011...? Boy would it be great to get this show on the road. Unfortunately my fertility calendar says my July ovulation will be exactly when I'm out of town, so if June's a bust, July will be, too. But again, getting ahead of myself. Let's see if this actually materializes into a real period and not just a few hours of bleeding like last time. Then we can take it from there.

Last night I watched the documentary Making Grace for a second time; I believe the first time was when I was either about to start trying or already trying. It's about a lesbian couple pursuing motherhood via donor. There's a lot that doesn't apply to us SMC types - relationship issues, anti-gay prejudice, etc - but SO much that does. It's amazing to watch now being on the other side. The frustration of trying to get pregnant but not succeeding. The fear of aging reproductive parts. The donor selection. The telling friends and family, especially those with kids. Even down to watching the poor woman shake uncontrollably while on pitocin - ugh! I remember it well. I can't believe I'm here again, a place for so long I thought I'd never be. I still look at B and think of him as an only child - just me and him, buddies. But if I get my way that won't be our story. It's crazy how you can rewrite the story of your life, and someone else's life, just like that. Or try to, anyway!

I met another older couple over the weekend who, upon hearing my story, told me theirs - that they tried and tried to have kids but weren't successful; that she was already 45. Her niece offered her eggs, but then the woman was found to have seven pounds of fibroids in her uterus and could not carry a baby anyway. So they weighed the chances after surgery and the costs and decided it just wasn't worth it. Another amazing and sad story I probably never would have known had I not had a story of my own to tell.

I toured a local preschool today. I'm so confused about what's the right thing to do - everyone has different rates and policies, and they all have long wait lists. This one is not expensive but not cheap - the difference is their costs are based on a full day rather than just 2-3 hours. So factoring that in, they're way more affordable than most others. But do I really need my 18 month old or two year old to be "somewhere" from say 9-5 twice a week? Is it worth saving $100 or so to have him somewhere twice a week for only three hours a day? It seems like a ripoff to me (I mean, what the hell can I get done in three hours? One hour will just be driving back and forth!). But will he be ready to be away from me that long...? I suppose it's good to at least have the option of a longer day, right? I'll put myself on the wait list. We may not even ever get in to this place. But any advice/experience with this would be appreciated.

When I think about spending nearly $500 a month for just a couple of days of childcare a week, when I don't technically need it, it makes me cringe. And lately I've been thinking I may not be able to pull that money out of my ass after all - I checked my bank account last night and am in a slight bit of a panic. I know people are going to sign up for my event eventually - they have to, right? - but it continues to be dead as a doornail, even with my price increase just a month away. Compared to this far out from the event last year, last year I was doing way better. It makes me wonder if that big push I had back in Feb was kind of it for the early birds. As predicted, that money lasted me until my June mortgage, and no farther. So here I am just after June 1st and I have literally no money in the bank. This time last year (adjusted for the event's date change) I had $7000. So, not good. Not good at all. 

My price increase day is July 10, so all will be revealed shortly. A lot is going to happen in the next few weeks! For now I'm just trying to not panic (too much), breathe, and carry on.


  1. Good luck with cycling and the event.

    Is the ball pit a big hit? I have thought about getting a kiddie pool and some balls.

  2. I don't blame you for being nervous! Have you thought about doing lessons or some other type of freelance in between gigs? Might give you some peace of mind.

  3. Hoping your event registration picks up!