Friday, June 28, 2013

Are you made of stone?

Some of you may be wondering why I'm not freaking out during this two week wait. The truth is I am - and I'm not.

I mean, really, there's nothing I can do but wait. Any tests now will only be negative, which could be true for several more days (or forever). I will probably take one for fun Sunday night - I got the faintest whisper of a line the night of 9 dpo with B, although by then I kind of knew anyway because all food was suddenly repulsive to me and the house smelled like garbage. I will test again Monday morning - but if it's still negative then, I may be out, although not necessarily. Period due Weds. So Monday-Wednesday are going to be the big days for me. 

How do I feel? Zero symptoms. No bloating/cramping/spotting/nausea/fatigue/breast tenderness. But I never felt any of that stuff at this time before, either. Remember, that baby has to dig in first, then it takes a while for those hormones to kick in and make you want to toss your cookies. Even if something is afoot, my body is blissfully ignorant of it right now. 

How do I feel emotionally? Well, pretty good. I mean there is a cockiness to my positivity - I keep asking myself, how could this possibly not work? But that's dangerous. I keep asking myself, how will you feel if this turns up negative? Maddeningly, frustratingly, inexplicably negative? When the timing was so perfect and I've already had a baby and I'm not that old yet, dammit? I think I'll be pretty gutted, even if it means that I can enjoy my Florida trip in July without fear of illness and maybe even get through my event with no sickness, and avoid having two kid birthdays right on top of each other. 

But a failure this time will bring back that ugly old feeling that most people who read this have probably known - that feeling of, what if I'm not successful? What if this never happens for me? What if I just have to walk away and tell all those people who know I'm trying that I couldn't do it? What if I have to have that moment of wondering what if I'd done an HSG, what if I'd done some mild injectables...maybe the dream of another baby could have been realized, instead of giving up? 

Really, though, it's SO different when there's already a baby. I don't at all feel that terrible sick feeling of "the universe hates me - it will never let me be happy", because as discussed I just don't feel like that anymore. The proof that the universe does not hate me is sleeping in the other room. 

So, I'm not successful. I can enjoy the peace and leisure a one child family can have. We can travel. B can have lots of fun activities, like that atheist summer camp I heard about. I can get rid of all the baby stuff. I don't have to change my will or life insurance. I don't have to have two children in preschool at once. B can be my one and only, my special little guy. 

It's not so terrible. Not at all. But here I am about to put my body through these baby making olympics one more time just so B can have a little buddy, someone other than mom. I do believe this is best for him. However, there are so many hurdles before this happens.

Getting a positive pregnancy test
Still having a positive pregnancy test a week later
Surviving the viability ultrasound, hearing that heartbeat
Surviving the first trimester
Surviving all the genetic tests
Surviving until viability day (24 weeks)
Surviving the third trimester 
Surviving the birth
Surviving those first vital days

That's a lot. But these are risks every woman takes, and every one of us survived ourselves to make it here. 

So, we wait. Sometimes I forget about it, sometimes thinking about testing sends a jolt of adrenaline through my body. It's exciting and scary, all at once. I'm afraid of so many things. But as mentioned, being afraid is not a good enough reason not to at least try.


  1. Try 8 perfectly timed but failed IUIs, post-HSG and injectibles...that's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wanted to scream at the universe, "Please just tell me what's going wrong!!" Thankfully I hadn't told anyone in real life I was TTC, so I didn't have to face them when "quitting".

    I am thoroughly impressed by all you mamas who get pregnant at all, especially on tries 1-3. So many things have to go just right, I got to the point where I was the total opposite of you. Instead of wondering how it couldn't work, I was wondering how on earth it could ever work.

    Anyway, I'm wishing you luck and sanity over the next 5 days. :)

  2. It get this. I really do. Wishing you the very best on your journey.
    PS. Great photo!