I rarely notice how many posts I've written, but I can't ignore 500! Wow! I know I've been a real posting machine lately; I think it's become habit, like journaling, just something I have to do every day whether I have anything of import to say or not. Thanks for reading along!
It's funny how much talk of additional babies has been going on recently. It's all over my March 2012 babies board - probably because so many of the gals on there are pregnant again. Then as noted it's being discussed on my SMC Facebook group. Then last night I got home and found someone had commented on my one and only old ultrasound picture on Facebook, which put it back in the newsfeed, which immediately prompted a bunch of people to excitedly comment that I was pregnant again (I guess some people don't realize to have a detailed 4D ultrasound pic like that you have to be pretty far along, and showing). Then last night I had dinner with a couple where the wife was pregnant with number two, and when I said my 40 years was the main factor in not trying for another, she said, "well, I'm 41!" So much for that argument!
I still know one child only is the right decision for B & me. I really have no desire to have two little kids running around here. And the thought of pregnancy nausea, third trimester misery, and (gulp) labor fills me with loathing. Still. It's just so damned final, like a death. No more children. No little red headed buddy for Bumpus. I am still just young enough that I *could* have a healthy baby, just maybe. In a couple of years this will not be the case. But now, at 40? It's possible. And yet I'm closing that door. Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I just make that choice and never look back? I swear this second baby thing is a harder choice than the first baby thing. When I saw all that chatter on FB about me having another baby it made me start to think something was in the air to make me change my mind. But then I got out of my old magical thinking habits and reminded myself all the commenters were younger, married women who think it would be swell if I had another cute little baby. They don't have to lie on the bathroom floor for three months sick, they don't have to have pre-eclampsia and be bullied for weeks into inducing early and then spend years fighting the hospital bills, they don't have to try to nurse a cranky newborn while their neglected toddler tears the house apart. See? Not looking so cute now, does it?
Yet every life choice means closing a door on another choice. For example, I can't live in NY and LA at the same time. I'll never be a young glowy bride. I have a house with an amazing view and privacy from the street - but I also have to haul all my crap up three flights of stairs to get that privacy. Choices, choices!
Yet just like people who choose to be childless, I will spend my entire life defending my decision to have just one child. "How come you never had another? Didn't you want Bobby to have a sibling?" I don't know how to politely say I didn't want another because it's freaking HARD. Because pregnancy and labor is scary and painful. Because with one child I still have a sense of who I am; I'm afraid with two I'll disappear entirely. Because most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm scared. That's why. "But don't you want your son to have a little playmate?" Sigh.