Sunday, June 3, 2012

The dark side

Ok, I've read a couple of very honest posts just now and feel like I, too, should come out of the closet about a couple of things. Don't worry, I'm not depressed (I don't think) and things are still going generally well around here. But I just wanted to mention some things that have been going on.

One thing that hit me the other day is that I've had this frenzy of activity lately - I absolutely must spend the day running around doing errands, and the more the better. I find myself bummed out when it's time to come home. Why? Because when I'm home I'm on the job. When we're out he's in the carrier and sleeps, or we're in the car and he just has to work past whatever mood he's in without my help. But at home, well, evenings are just darned near intolerable. He just fusses and fusses and fusses, and the only thing I can do is let him munch on my nipples all night, which is excruciatingly painful. And for the record, no, putting him in the carrier at home doesn't work because he just squirms and cries and wants to get out. Believe me, I've tried everything, but the only thing that works is constant nursing. And it sucks, no pun intended. So every day as five PM approaches I feel this sick feeling of dread.

Yesterday I was all proud of myself because after a little finagling I finally got the baby to nurse without the nipple shield. I was shocked and delighted. However later that night I tried it again and it was so painful - the first time wasn't so great, either - that I started using the shield again. It turns out the pain I get from nursing with it is in fact less than the pain I get without it. And I have to admit this news made me kind of bummed out. All this time I thought if I just weaned from the shield it wouldn't hurt anymore, and now I know this isn't true. So, now what? Well, at least with this knowledge maybe I can hit up my old LC for some help. But if she says I need to get him to change his latch at this stage I'm going to scream. Because honestly I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to breastfeed if I'm going to be in constant 24 hour pain like this. And no, pumping does not help, and trying to find time to pump when you're your baby's round the clock caregiver is almost impossible and a source of constant annoyance for me. So if one more person tells me I need to pump and breastfeed I'm going to punch them in the throat.

I think the pain is what's getting to me. Because I'm having these PPD-like thoughts that aren't rational - that if I were so sad about my aunt dying couldn't I have just made a memorial for her like a normal person, why did I have to have a baby? And feeling like everything about having kids is so caveman like and barbaric - that any sane, educated person would never do this to themselves. Physically, I mean. The whole pregnancy and labor part is so ancient and animalistic and nasty - we've sanitized and improved every aspect of our lives, but pregnancy and labor are still the same - just scary and dangerous and messy. I feel a trend among my fellow pregnant SMC bloggers that they're all sort of having the feeling that this isn't what they expected. I know I felt that way, especially with how sick I was for so long. But at the time I was so determined to not have another miscarriage and to "pull this off" that I rarely let myself think dark things like "I wish I'd never done this". But I think now that the dust has settled those odd thoughts are kind of creeping in.

It's not at all that I look at my beautiful baby son and wish he weren't here, nor do I really wish my old life back. I mean, I did all this for a reason, and a compelling enough reason that I put myself through all that fertility crap and spent all that money willingly, when I could have quit any time. But I'll be honest in that I dread the future. He's so little and cute and manageable now - portable and easy. I look at the mothers of toddlers and they all look harried and miserable. I am in terror of the day when he starts breaking things and making messes and has to be watched every second; when he starts saying no and being bratty and I have to actually parent him, as opposed to the relatively easy task of just feeding and changing and watching him smile and be adorable. What will I do when he's not so adorable? Is this what happens to women like my mother? When the kids start really being kids and having their own will she just turns off? Will this happen to me?

Last night I left the baby with an older couple while their son and his wife and I went to a comedy show. We were gone four hours and I'd left a bottle. When I got back the mother was walking around with the baby, and although he wasn't crying at the time, she looked freaked out and handed him off right away saying. "he's really hungry, that bottle wasn't enough," which instantly made me feel extremely guilty and like a bad mother. They all left within seconds and I frantically whipped out a boob, only to find him not that interested in eating. But I saw something in that woman's face that haunted me. It was the look of "this isn't as fun as I thought it would be." And I guess I have to admit that sometimes - though not all of the time - I think that, too.

5 comments:

  1. Firstly, a big HUG sister!

    What an open and honest post too - that to me suggests great strength lies within you.

    Tou are in the time of your baby's life where the newness has worn off and the fatigue and montony is setting in. It's normal, and it will pass - before you know it (like in the next few weeks)

    Re the nipples: I would see your LC if you have the chance. She may be able to offer new advice now as your baby is a little older. I know people aren't supposed to say this because we all have to say breast is best, so I will say it in case no one else does but if it really is causing you so much trouble and getting you down so much, perhaps it is time to stop - you have fed for the most important early weeks. You cant say you havent tried your hardest. I think the pressure to breastfeed can be too much for some women who find it hard/painful, I know we need to encourage everyone to give it a go and change attitudes towards it so that is becomes socially acceatble again, but lets not send women who find it hard and painful into a state of depression over it. I was lucky and after a few days it went well for me, but I have several friends who weren't so lucky. They all tried for varying lengths of time and when they eventually decided enough was enough, most found it a huge relief (if a lot more hassle having to make bottles and stuff!)

    Get support form your LC though. You dont want to go into PPD from the 'guilt'. But if it's really making you so unhappy you have to weigh it up. Your baby needs a happy mummy.

    As for worrying about when he gets older - don't. As they get older and more interactive they are even cuter. It amazes me still what BB can get away with and how I don't mind. He spewed on my lap top once, and he recently broke a lamp. I was amazed at how unbothered I was. I just look at him and tell him he's lucky he's so cute.

    Hang in there, it will all be better in a few weeks

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  2. My son grunts and growls all morning, starting at about 6am till we wake up. My last few precious hours of sleep and I'm kept awake! He isn't hungry and his diaper isn't dirty, so I have no idea what's causing it. If we haven't worked through this by the time I have to go back to work, I will know that dread you're talking about all too well. Thanks for being honest.

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  3. As always, huge kudos to you for being so honest. Breastfeeding & continuing to do so is a personal choice that no one can make but you. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself tho because if you decide to stop there is no shame in it AT ALL. Do the benefits of BF out weigh the pain you're suffering?

    I'm gonna break my golden rule & actually offer some advice...I deserve a punch in the throat for it, I know, but is it possible that Robert has gas issues? With Elena, she was comfort nursing similar to what you described which started a vicious cycle...she'd nurse, get gassy, nurse for comfort, get more gassy...it went against everything I believed but I caved to using a soother & would wait at least 1 hour between feeds...I also began drinking fennel tea & gave Elena organic (alcohol free) Gripe water that also contained fennel. All of these things, I read, reduce gas...also helping her expel it by doing bicycle legs & bouncing a lot all seemed to turn a corner for us...so was just wondering if your evenings could be caused by gas, which is a symptom I read about during this time. Okay, commence punching me in the throat, I deserve it since you've probably ruled this out already.

    As for the other stuff, I have often said in my head, never aloud, "What have I done? Why did I do this?" & am ripped with guilt whenever I do. The good news is, at least for me, I find things keep getting easier as Elena gets older, sure we still have rough patches, like lately & her refusal to sleep, but for the most part it does keep getting easier. But you know what, now that I think about it, the hard stuff of one phase goes away but is often replaced with a new challenge but I think it's the success of overcoming each challenge that gives me more confidence to face the new ones...hang in there.

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  4. I really appreciate your honesty. I have no advice or answers because I am not a mom but I do want to say that I think you are doing wonderfully.

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  5. Oh, I'm SO glad you posted about this! I'm so, so, so afraid of having those thoughts of regret, of why did I do this... I kind of already have, in a way, and my baby's not even born yet! It's just nice to know I'm not alone... and please know that you aren't, either.

    I had breast reduction surgery 12 years ago, and may or may not be able to breastfeed, or to breastfeed fully. I certainly intend to try, but I'm not going to kill myself over it. Just a thought.

    Hang in there. Sounds like things should be looking up soon. You're doing a GREAT job!!!

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