Thursday, April 12, 2012

Tea for Two

It comes as a big surprise to me that since my son was born I've spent a lot of time thinking about baby #2 - and basically thinking about giving up the dream of baby #2. I think I am starting to make peace with this decision. I think.

Mainly as you know I just can't go through with another labor experience like that. Not for a million, trillion dollars. And nobody can guarantee I won't have a similar (or far worse) experience next time. If I were a younger woman I might feel differently - but somehow I can't believe I'd develop pre-e at a healthy 39 and not at 41 or 42. I feel SO lucky that my baby was full term and perfectly healthy despite everything; I feel like I dodged a major bullet, actually, as he side stepped all potential issues from the very beginning. I never had to worry about him. I can't even imagine what moms go through with babies with major health issues. There but for the grace of God, you know?

Then there's practical stuff - money, being single. I think for me to have two children I would need one of two things - either a partner of some kind, or enough money to hire lots of help. There's no way I could handle two children in my current condition, no way. It's hard enough handling a newborn and a high maintenance dog!

But with this decision comes the death of a dream, and I am working through that. So, I'll never have a little girl to play with my dolls. Robert will never have a full sibling. I won't get that perfect two kid family like all my friends. I'll never be pregnant again, which believe it or not, is sad to me. I do kind of miss it (the middle part, anyway). But there is a certain freedom in knowing I only have to go through all of this once - no more fertility stuff, no fear of miscarriage or birth defects, no morning sickness, no labor. And no trying to come up with the money for all this - from now on it's just spending money on Robert's needs, not a new pregnancy. I may even get a new health insurance policy for myself without maternity coverage to save some money. Then I'll have to release those four vials of sperm I reserved. They have not charged me storage yet - they said they would send a bill in March, but as of right now I've gotten nothing. I hope they just made a clerical error so I don't have to make that decision right this second...but as soon as that bill shows up I'm going to have to commit to this No #2 thing because there's no way I can shell out more thousands for storage. It's bad enough I can't get my nearly $3000 for sperm back.

Still, I look at my boy and definitely feel like he's enough, and quite enjoy that he gets to be my sole focus. It does feel right to me, and that's what I had hoped - that once he was here I'd feel like he was all I needed to feel like a family. But I guess it's ok to mourn the dream of a bigger family. I think for me time just really ran out. If I were even a couple of years younger I'd feel more confident that I could turn everything around and have a totally different birth experience next time - but not moving into my forties, no. I see very bad things if I choose to pursue a second pregnancy after how things went this time.

In the meantime, I get to have this, and if that isn't a miracle I don't know what is:

1 comment:

  1. I'm seeing more of you in him now.

    It's amazing to me how you can write what I'm feeling but seems too jumbled in my head to express in any coherent way. T42 is a difficult subject for me & an impossibility I need to accept.

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