What's for afters?

Any fan of Monty Python knows the answer to this question is "rat tart". However, I'm not talking about dessert, I'm talking about what will it be like to not be pregnant anymore...?

I found myself today engaged in one of my favorite activities which is Making Plans. Things I want to do with the house, my personal style, activities. Then I had to remind myself that I will be nothing but a sleep deprived milk and diapering machine for months. But this may or may not be true - the first couple of months, sure, but eventually real life must resume. He'll need me a little less, I'll have my new mom chops going, and maybe, just maybe, I'll start thinking about something other than keeping him alive. Or maybe not. The all-consuming nature of motherhood is something I have yet to experience so who knows. But for now I'm still technically the childless swinging single chick and I can still look at a magazine and go, "oooh, I'm totally wearing skirts like that this summer." I can still fantasize about building into my attic or the next trip to Kauai.

I feel like I've been pregnant for so long that honestly the thought of not being kind of scares me a little. Will I feel empty? Will I be scared to share my boy with the world when I'm used to having him all to myself? And even darker down that road - am I going to miss all the attention I've been getting?

I have this image of myself being this totally fabulous, put together, competent new mom, and I so want that, but I also don't want to set myself up for feelings of failure and disappointment. Nobody's perfect, and I'm guessing especially single mothers like myself with zero experience with kids or babies probably have a tough time in the beginning just learning the ropes. Even getting my dog, my first non-bird pet, was challenging. I'll never forget when the rescue people left and it was just me and this tiny dog staring blankly at each other, and I said, "so...what's goin' on?" Will I look at my newborn son with the little plastic thingee on his navel and say, "how 'bout those Knicks?" I might!

Last night was my last singing gig and it was very difficult. It was physically demanding (singing is hard right now. - zero lung capacity and no room for the diaphragm) and the night's promoter, a close friend, wanted to make the whole night about my pregnancy and how I could go into labor at any minute, so that's pretty much all I heard all night. Thank God for the self-centered single friends who still wanted to chat about dancer gossip and their work dramas! As much as I appreciated the well wishes from everyone I was just really uncomfortable and cranky and started to feel kind of awkward with all that attention focused on me. As I was driving home I was thinking how much I just want to sit at home alone for two weeks and not be intruded upon. It was exhausting.

So for now I picture myself sometime this summer with a healthy, thriving baby boy, a deliciously thin body, a crisp white button up shirt and a flowy skirt, looking and feeling fabulous. But if I can just have the healthy boy and none of the other things, that works, too. The rest will have to wait...for afters.