Heartburn

I had one of those nights last night where I was up a lot.  I made the mistake of not drinking much water throughout the day and then trying to make up for it by drinking a lot right before bed, which then meant I had to get up about five times to pee.  Oh, and take Tums, because I’ve been just wracked with heartburn lately (no doubt a result of the big pot of spaghetti and vegan meat balls I made a few days ago).  As symptoms go, the heartburn has not been a major problem for me – but it has been unpleasant, I won’t lie.  Mainly I’m just sick of the fruity, chalky Tums, especially when I have to take them after I’ve brushed my teeth.  I can’t believe some non-pregnant people have to deal with this all of the time!  I feel like an old man with my formerly huge economy sized Tums container by my bedside, now barely half full.  I thought for sure I’d have that bottle for years.  Not so much!

Speaking of old men, went to visit my ailing 94-year-old friend Saturday.  It was not as emotional as I’d expected – for a variety of reasons.  I think I shut myself down a little bit because a) his wife was distraught enough and I wanted to be strong and positive for her, and b) I know when he actually does go (could be any day now, really) that will be the big moment to release the floodgates, not now.  But also I feel fairly rational about it all – I mean, he’s lead a wonderful, long life.  He’s so loved and respected in our community, and is surrounded by family and friends.  It’s sad that he’s had dementia for years and so probably doesn’t know how loved he is, and I certainly don’t like the fact that he appears to be physically suffering a bit.  But really, isn’t this what we all want, to have a family and a community of friends and to live well into our 90s?  I know I do!

So we’re all on pins and needles a bit waiting for “the call”.  You never know how this stuff is going to go – although in his case it would be a miracle if he made it more than a few months, since he’s been released to hospice care and now it’s all about just making him comfortable.  For all the elderly people I know in the dance world it’s completely amazing to me that I’ve only experienced a few deaths – about four in the last ten years or so.  I guess dancing does keep you young, since most of these guys and gals made it to their mid-nineties.  It’s always very emotional and hard, but I accept that it’s part of life. 

With all the work-related blog posts lately, I have been having my usual series of “having to return to some crappy job” nightmares over the last few days.  Some people dream of being back at high school with no clothes on; my nightmare of choice appears to be having to go back to some crummy retail job, and not remembering how to work the computers or cash registers, and all the customers piling up and getting mad at me.  Had a doozy last night.  They always leave me shaken and in a bad mood.  I guess there are so many people around me, in real life and in blog world, who are having a rough time with their work right now, and I SO know that feeling.  I remember my last job I used to have horrible insomnia and panic attacks every Sunday night because I hated it so much and was so dreading the week ahead.  And we’re in a unique position in this economy because people feel trapped in bad situations, and/or feel like they can’t complain because they should “be grateful to have a job at all”.  Which to me smacks a little bit of “being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone.”  I guess what I’m trying to say is I SO empathize with anyone struggling in their job right now!  I’ve been there and could be there again at any time.  It’s that fear that keeps me on my toes whether I’m awake (or asleep, apparently).

For me, my job involves getting set up for opening of registration for my event on Feb 1^st.  So there will be a big flurry of activity the next couple of weeks, which I am dreading because a lot of it is new territory for me – setting up an ad on Facebook and working social media for all it’s worth (I suck at this), making sure my new online registration page actually works, jazzing up my website (I suck at this, too), and in general trying to raise some level of enthusiasm and excitement for my event which I have pretty much ignored since the holidays hit.  I wish I could afford to pay people to do this stuff for me, but I can’t.  I also discovered that although this is my 15^th anniversary of the event, a much bigger event at the same time is having their 30^th anniversary, and there’s tons of buzz about this, so I’m feeling a little threatened.  I keep reminding myself that this event is in Sweden and not everyone has the means to go to that, and it only appeals to a certain audience which is not necessarily my audience.  But I already feel a little eclipsed, and that’s it’s going to be a real uphill battle to daily try to convince people to come to my event and not go to their event.  Sigh.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of all this I have this little thing called “having a baby” coming up in about 2 ½ months.  Help!