Yesterday I actually enjoyed a meal for the first time since July 16th (officially the last day I didn’t feel sick). Is it possible I’m on the mend…? I woke up with energy, got a lot done, and although had a low-lying film of nausea much of the day, was able to function. Feel the same today, which I hope will continue because I have a lot to do. Lord let this be a sign that the first trimester nightmare is nearly over!!!
So the RE e-mailed me right away and said, of course, to stop at 10 weeks. So I think I’ll make Thursday night my last night of suppositories. What a fabulous moment that’s going to be! No more greasy pantyliners, no more grease spots in the bed, no more being trapped in the bed lying down once it’s in (once I got up to get something to drink, sneezed, and the whole thing shot out of me in clumps…that was fun). I also believe it will help some of these symptoms – especially the extreme fatigue – to not be od’ing on progesterone anymore. Will be interesting to see what I feel like once I’ve had a day or two off.
Been looking back over the last few weeks and ruminating on the changing concerns. For me weeks 4-6 were all about “don’t miscarry, don’t miscarry, don’t miscarry,” especially with the worry of my event being right in the middle. Constant terror of spotting, which never happened this time. Then after week 6 it was all about just making it to the ultrasound to make sure I wasn’t carrying around an empty sac (a huge, and irrational fear of mine). Now I guess I would call this period, weeks 10-12, the Home Stretch. Things can still go wrong, but the odds of that happening lessen every day, and to be honest I’m not too worried about it. I mean, to lose the baby now at 10 weeks, after an ultrasound and a heartbeat, would be just a horrific tragedy. I know it happens all the time, but I really don’t see that in the cards for me at this point. The odds are against it.
Next is the NT screening, which I believe I have in about two weeks. I also am not worried about this. Blood draw and ultrasound. I am looking forward to seeing the bean again, seeing how he’s grown, and hopefully seeing or hearing the heartbeat. I decided to go ahead and do this first round of testing because it’s non-invasive and not risky to the baby. I doubt I’ll continue no matter what the results…but I allow room to change my mind at any time. The weird thing is the genetic counselor told me if the results are good, they never give you the results – they only call you if something’s wrong. She said I can contact her directly and she can then try to get the results for me if I haven’t heard anything and am freaking out – seems like a pretty screwy system. I mean, something that important, dealing with pregnant women who are always freaking out anyway, and they just leave you hanging? I mean, what if they don’t give you the results because of a clerical error? Like that time I waited over an hour for the Zofran and it had been ready for probably 45 minutes? Something tells me if I don’t hear anything I’ll be calling the genetic counselor.
Had another in a series of “donor dreams” last night. In this one I somehow knew the donor’s full name – it had been left out somewhere where I read it – and I was in a classroom and the teacher called out his name and I looked back and there he was! He wasn’t at all how I thought he’d look – he was a big, muscular guy with a face like Oliver Reed, hyper-masculine and apelike. He was also very popular with girls hanging all over him. I forget if in the dream I approached him or not. Can you imagine? “Guess what, I’m a 39-year-old woman and I’m having your baby!” This is why I never wanted to see pictures of the donors (yes, many have adult pictures as well as baby pictures). I mean, we both live in LA, odds are we may actually run into each other at some point. I prefer to be blissfully ignorant. But I do find it interesting that I dream about him occasionally. I think it’s just my body’s way of wanting to connect with the person who’s baby I’m carrying. After all, this tiny thing that’s ruling my life right now is HALF HIM.
I spend a lot of time wondering what the kid is going to look like at various stages of his/her life, how many attributes will be mine and how many will be his. Will I be looking into a mirror when I see this kid, or will I be looking at a stranger? I feel like most people I look like a pretty equal combination of my mother and father – with probably a few great-grandparents thrown in. Then there’s personality stuff. The donor listed himself as “very calm”. Does this mean the anxiety streak will finally be removed from our family line? I sure hope so! Then I think about my last boyfriend and his extreme childhood hyperactivity and ADD and think whew, dodged a bullet there. SO glad I decided NOT to meld my genes with that person.