Taking a break from relentless paperwork and organizing to write a quick note. It’s nice to sit back at times like this and remember there’s something else going on in my life other than work – there might be a little baby in me. Or if not, in three weeks I get to try again. Is this the advantage of children, that they give you something else in your life other than work, that they give you something that’s private, that’s yours? I am still haunted by Diane Sawyer’s interview of kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard and how when asked how she felt on having her first baby, she said, “I wasn’t alone anymore. I had something that was mine.” I hope I get to have this feeling some day!
Been entertaining myself by occasionally taking a break to obsessively Google early pregnancy symptoms. As you all know, though, everything I am feeling is a direct result of the progesterone, not necessarily any pregnancy. I feel bloated, heavy, slightly nauseated sometimes, constipated, and my boobs are huge and sore. Didn’t have the huge boobs last time. But also last time I had back pain and that weird fever on Day 7, which I didn’t have this time, although I did have a weird tightness in the uterus yesterday whenever I got up or moved oddly. Trying like the dickens to remember if anything felt different on my last negative in April – but I don’t remember really having any symptoms at all back then except for some night sweats (having those, too). But maybe I wasn’t looking back then. Does the similarity between June and now mean I am again pregnant? Who knows! I will admit I’ll feel pretty lied to if all of this just means a BFN this month, I won’t lie.
Trying REALLY hard to pull myself out of this funk and cheer the f up. I feel ok – I mean, I’ve accepted my fate as far as the event turnout this year, and have been wracking my brain for ways to save even more money next year, and/or get out and appeal to more people. Been making lists of all the credit available to me since I know now that short of a miracle I will need it. I am getting myself geared up for my party Sunday and the event after that. I think yoga today will help, as will another nice evening at home alone with the puppy. It will be a non-stop social fest for the next 10 days so any chance I can get to have some much needed alone time will be great.
Trying not to dwell on bad thoughts, but today I had the ugly thought, of all the people who got pregnant around when I did, around the same age, and using the same method, why are they ALL going on to have healthy, happy pregnancies, and I was singled out for heartache? Why me? Why does it seem like I’m always singled out for bad things while everyone else gets everything I want? But asking this is pointless, and denies the very nature of human existence, which is that it is totally unfair and cruel (sometimes), and to expect any different is what really causes unhappiness. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies, Hannah and Her Sisters:
Frederick: “You missed a very dull TV show on Auschwitz. More gruesome film clips, and more puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions. The reason they can never answer the question "How could it possibly happen?" is that it's the wrong question. Given what people are, the question is "Why doesn't it happen more often?"
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