The last day for 38

It’s my last day of being 38.  Despite all that’s happened, I still feel like 38 is a good age to be – you really come into your own, you’re not young anymore, but you’re young enough.  39 just sounds like the age you pretend to be when you’re really a decade older. 

Yesterday I broke down and went to the new Dollar Tree on Figueroa.  I’d heard lots of good things about their $1 pregnancy tests and figured what the hell, with the week coming up the way it’s going to be, I might as well test every day or every other day and do it cheaply, rather than spend $50 on four tests, I can spend $6 on 6.  So I bought them and did one when I got home (of course negative).  I seem to have lost all of my “symptoms”, too – no more pulling in my abdomen, no more sore boobs, no more heavy bloated feeling.  Becoming more and more convinced that this try just didn’t work.  Preparing myself for the reality of getting ready to try one more time in August.  Have no idea how I’m going to pay for all that.

Hit me this morning that when I see my friends at The Lion again I need to at least ASK if they filled that position.  I’m sure they did by now – but you never know.  I think it’s ok to admit to the guys that I had a HORRIBLE year and I need help, and if they hear of anything, to let me know.  Not that I’m thrilled at the idea of full time work, but do I really have a choice?  Somehow I think this is smarter than just living on credit half the year in the vague hopes that next year improves, which it may not.

Then there’s the whole baby thing.  How can I knowingly take on a job when I’m trying to get pregnant?  How will I be able to run out for those last minute ultrasounds and IUIs, much less actually get pregnant and have the baby?  I suppose the hope would be that I’d just work until the baby was born and then quit.  That sucks, though, and makes me feel dishonest and like a user.  But then again there may never be a baby, so who am I kidding? 

The real dilemma though is finding a job at all, which is extremely unlikely.  Boy would it take the pressure off, though.  I have to admit the idea of sitting around here all fall with no video to edit, all alone, probably not pregnant, with literally no money in the bank, makes me cringe.  Suddenly the idea of having a job to get up and go to every day, to be around people, to have the security of health care and a paycheck coming in, sounds a lot more appealing than the alternative.  Yes, if they told me that job was still open I would seriously consider taking it.  I can no longer fool myself that I will “do ok” or “just squeak by” this year.  One person signed up yesterday, and that person was a Hall of Famer so now I have to refund his money (he obviously didn't know one of the perqs of being a Hall of Famer is free entrance for life).  The weekend will no doubt be totally dead for sign ups as it always is, and then who knows what the three available days next week will be like – I’m sure I’ll get some people, but it could be anywhere from 5 people to 50.  Either way it’s not enough.

Came home to a call from one of my main vendors telling me they’re not coming this year.  That’s another $1000 down the toilet.

I feel like calling my Lion friend right now but I suppose that’s jumping the gun a bit.  I probably shouldn’t embarrass myself – but I embarrass myself all the time, who cares?  If they tell me it’s open and it’s mine if I want it maybe I can relax a little and go into the event not as stressed.  It’s worth considering.  But I can’t imagine it’s still available after all these months.  Surely some other desperate soul snapped it up by now!

I guess two things need to happen before I call or e-mail anyone about this job.  I need to see if I’m pregnant, and I need to see how next week goes as far as sign ups (and see the end result of the event, period).  THEN I can ask about jobs – one week isn’t going to make any difference.  They’ve either filled it or they haven’t.  I think I’m just going to have to go into the event not knowing if a job is available for me.  Unless I change my mind of course.

So today is non-stop yard work day, plus singing later.  Tomorrow is my party.  And I’ll either show up pregnant or not pregnant in the morning, although with already a negative test under my belt my expectations are pretty low.  I’ll try not to let that send me into a funk tomorrow.