The Day Before

I haven’t written in the last couple of days because I’ve been too sick.  Sick, sick, sick.  It’s a bit of a nightmare, I won’t lie.  Constantly asking myself why I risked the chance of being this sick before & during my event.  But really I had no way of knowing what it would be like – I mean, technically I haven’t even missed my period yet!!!  Does being this sick this early mean the hormones are good and strong and it’ll be a healthy pregnancy?  God, I hope so.  To go through this hell just for another loss would be pretty horrendous.

So far what seems to (sort of) help is Sprite, rice cakes, string cheese, and lentil soup.  I have noticed if I hop right out of bed and start doing stuff it takes my mind off how awful I feel – and it’s good because there’s tons to do right now.  Hopefully this will hold over during my event in which there is plenty to hop out of bed for and always something to do.  Can’t even imagine what being at my event is going to be like, feeling like this, when I have to do things that are so hard right now, like brush my teeth and put on makeup and hide how awful I feel from (nearly) everyone.  I do have odd moments when I feel almost normal – last night I got home from dancing with a sudden appetite and actually ate something with enjoyment, which was so wonderful…but then made me panic that the “pregnancy symptoms” had gone away which could only mean I was starting to lose the pregnancy.  But woke up queasy as hell this morning, so, nope, it’s still in there.  I am going to treasure those moments of feeling well.  They seem to come in the evenings (sometimes) which is convenient for me because the evenings at my event are the most stressful – I have to run contests, sing, and basically run interference for some 500+ people for several hours, while in heels and a 1930’s gown.  Nope.  Not looking forward to it one bit – except looking forward to it being over and being able to relax and think about the pregnancy, which I haven’t really been able to do yet other than curse how awful I feel.  Would be nice to be able to experience some joy about it, but right now it’s all about my event, how little (or no) money I’m making, and how sick I feel. 

So ladies, you won’t hear from me for a while.  Next week I’ll come up for air, and hopefully I’ll have good stories for you – that I’m still pregnant, the money came up better than I thought, and I survived the event.  This is my hope for myself for next week.  Just taking it one step at a time right now.