This is a journal entry from last night. I go to a monthly film group (started off as a screenwriting group, but since none of us have written any screenplays in about fifteen years, it is now a “movie appreciation group”).
3/30/11 10:22 PM
Just got back from seeing The Adjustment Bureau which was the assigned movie for the group this month. I have to say that even though I didn’t much care for the movie (kind of corny and clichéd to say the least), the topic was amazingly spot on, so much so that I found myself crying during the end titles.
It was all about free will vs. fate (boy, what a tired topic that is!) and one couple’s bold attempt to change their fate – so bold that the Chairman (God) decides to grant their wish by rewriting their fates for them. Now, as mentioned, this is all very silly and not at all anything I believe in. But it did make me think about my current struggle. As in, everything in my life has led me down the path of loneliness and childlessness – from my absent father to my man-hating mother and her many marriages to my multitudinous pointless dating experiences to my ending up sequestered off in this dance world in which there are no suitable men anywhere to be found. If I just sat here and took it, yes, this is exactly what my life would be forever – alone in this house, running the camp year after year. And again, that’s not so terrible. Some people should be so lucky to have a successful business, a house they own, and a great group of friends. BUT we all know I want more than that, and yet fate is not allowing it. I feel like fate has been telling me, “No, you’re not allowed to get married. You’re not allowed to meet a nice man. You’re not allowed to have love in your life. All of your friends will get this but you won’t. You won’t be allowed to have a nice family. You’re cursed.” And yet I’ve found a loophole in the “system” that is trying to keep me down, and I’m fighting for my rights here. I’ve found a way to have a family without a man in tow. And now fate is throwing me a curveball by having my reproductive system not be in working order. And you know what? I’m going to fight that, too. I’m going to fight until I get what I want, I don’t care what crappy path I’ve been headed down my whole life, ever since I was born to the people I was born to. Fuck that. I get to do what I want now.